22nd June

In one way it's a day just like any other. But even after 8 years I can't help giving it a significance - the anniversary of Benjamin's death. I haven't really paid much attention to it today - I didn't even light a candle as I have done in the past. Partly because Jade is always terrified that we're going to have a fire. But as the evening wears on, the memories always grow stronger of that day and night. Rather than dwell, though, on those memories, I just want to set out what he gave me, and what I learned through him being here:

1. He taught me that I am strong. I always had an image of myself as being emotionally weak and unstable, because of the phobia and associated depression I'd had since childhood. But living through the news of his heart defect while I was pregnant, the poor odds in his favour, his short life and his death, taught me that I am indeed a lot stronger than I ever thought I was. I did it - I lived through something I never thought I could cope with - and came out stronger the other side. Nothing else is quite as fearful to me now. I know if I could survive that, I can survive anything.

2. He taught me that children are very, very, very precious. To be honest, I was very ambivalent about motherhood. After I conceived, I was terrified. Wasn't sure I really wanted to do this. The utter, utter joy of having him with us just blew all that away. I am sure I am a better mother because of him.

3. I learned that God really is with me. Isaiah 61 says “He has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted ..... to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” We experienced this, for real. Of course, we grieved for Benjamin. But our overwhelming feeling in the months that followed was just pure joy that he had come to be ours, even for a short time. We felt we had been given a precious gift, far more wonderful than we deserved, and we were full of joy, as well as times of pain.

4. I learned to look more to heaven, and less to earth. I seem to have forgotten this lesson as time has gone on, but every now and then I become aware again just how much more important eternity is than this temporary home. I didn't write the poem below, and I don't know who did, but it speaks so strongly to me:

The day will come when I will stand
At the entrance to that perfect land
And there to greet me will be my son
Who will gently show me the wonders to come
In that place where sunshine never ends,
Where the shining waters flow
Through hills and valleys green
Bathed in a golden glow,
And in those heavenly hills I’ll find
The love and beauty which will always be mine,
And once again a mother I’ll be
To that son I loved so tenderly.

******************************

Some people come into our lives
And go very quickly,
Some people come into our lives
And move our souls to dance.
They awaken us to understand
With their passing whisper of their wisdom.
And make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon,
They stay in our lives for a time,
Leaving footprints in our hearts,
And we are never, ever the same

I didn't write that one either, but Benjamin taught my soul to dance, taught me to love, and taught me about joy. I wouldn't have missed it for the world!