Night 4 - Rough

I suppose I got a bit confident, and expected a better night last night than the previous ones so went to bed late, and am suffering for it now, considering what sleep we had was extremely broken.

It seemed to go well at first - Isabelle was asleep around 7pm and didn't wake up till midnight - it seems we may be able to rely on a good 5-hour stretch at the start of the night now rather than the 3 hours we used to get. But she was harder to settle at midnight, and then the rest of the night she was very grumbly. She woke lots of times, voiced her dissatisfaction (not crying, but just complaining) and was quite restless.

It may just be part of the process, or it may be that now she is really getting mobile this week she is more unsettled anyway. Ah well, we soldier on.

As well as Isabelle's grumbling, I also had Tamsin nagging me for mummymilk from some unearthly hour ...I kept telling her to shush and go back to sleep but she was restless too so between the two of them I barely slept from maybe 5am onwards. And when I decided to switch the light on and check the time, it was 6.45am (I assumed that Bill had not put the clocks back) and reluctantly gave in and fed her. I later discovered he had put the clocks back so as far as our bodies were concerned it was 7.45am and I had been putting Tamsin off far longer than normal!

And even some education too

We've had quite a good day for a Saturday. Got up and Tamsin produced a book which she wanted me to read, so we came downstairs and read Enid Blyton's version of "The Christmas Story" which has lovely illustrations and I thoroughly enjoyed, although I think Tamsin's concentration wavered considerably at times. I then decided to put some music on, so did dancing and appropriate movements to "I'm a little teapot; Heads Shoulders Knees and Toes; Incy Wincy Spider" and other kiddy favourites - Isabelle loves being danced with! Then breakfast, and some spelling/reading simple words with Letterland flashcards. Then everybody out to walk into town - Bill took the girls to the park while I went to work for a couple of hours to catch up on what I didn't get done during the week. On the way home I went to the toyshop (alone - what bliss!) to buy an outfit for Isabelle's new doll and some birthday cards and wrapping paper.

I got home and since then we've done some pumpkin carving, made and eaten pumpkin soup and generally played. Isabelle has been very mobile today - she really is starting to get going with this strange crawl that she has where she is on one knee and one foot as well as two hands. After spending months shouting at Tamsin for always wanting to take the toy that Isabelle is playing with, today the tables have turned and Isabelle has been chasing Tamsin round trying to grab what she is doing. Tamsin has got very cross!

This evening I have spent far too long browsing unnecessary but interesting blogs, and a little time sorting out a little of our financial mess to try and avoid getting any more late payment fees on the damned credit cards!

Night 3

Improving still! I hardly dare get hopeful and anticipate a full night's sleep yet, but the thought is beginning to lurk! After going off to sleep at about 7.45pm, she didn't wake at all till, can't remember when but certainly after 1am. And this after always previously waking up a maximum of 3 hours after going to sleep. And even when she did wake, it was just for a quick 10-second grumble and then turned over in response to my "shhh....shhh" and went back to sleep. She did that a few more times, until probably around 5am when it got more serious. She cried a bit at that point, but I really don't want to encourage a 5am waking, so Bill took over and settled her really quickly, and she slept till 6.45am when she had a good feed and went back to sleep for another hour. Unfortunately Tamsin also woke at 6.45 and didn't go back to sleep. At this rate, I can anticipate 2 things happening: firstly that soon Tamsin will be in "worst sleeper" category as she still wakes at least twice per night, once to come and get into our bed and next around 5am to nag me for mummymilk; secondly that I will soon be able to move Isabelle out of our room, probably to share with Tamsin, and I won't even get woken by those 10-second grumbles even if there are any.

Today I'm thinking of all those partying and wishing I was with you all, but instead, having had to take the girls with me to work this week due to half-term (and no playschool) and my job-sharer/child-carer being away for a few days, I got virtually no work done and feel I must go in today for a couple of hours and try and finish off a big task that has been hanging around for ages, rather than leave it for Kate to do when she gets back.

Night 2

Exhausting but I think we're making a little progress - she really didn't cry at all to speak of, but had a long wakeful patch in the middle of the night. I don't know what time it started, but she was just awake, rolling around, mumbling and grumbling, for what seemed like hours (and therefore so was I), until she eventually fell asleep using my head as a pillow at about 3.30am. She tried to latch onto my nose and chin a few times but failed :-o ! After that, when she woke again at 5.30am, I decided that was good enough and fed her. She went back to sleep and is still there now ... as indeed all of us were till 8am when the doorbell woke us up!

Night 1 - survived and succeeded!

She wasn't happy about it, but she didn't get fed between 7pm last night and 6.15am this morning. What made me realise she could do it was that when she bit me at bedtime and I stopped feeding her, she cried and screamed for a couple of minutes, and then just stopped! So later on when she cried really hard, I waited it out and sure enough, it never lasted more than 5 minutes. And sometimes Bill did the comforting - which he's very good at. The later part of the night, she didn't even cry very much - mostly just fussing and grizzling and restlessness. That in itself was sufficient to keep us awake for a very large portion of the night, so I'm pretty wrecked this morning and have to go to work, but nevertheless I feel we are making progress in the right direction! Will have to see if I can manage a sneaky nap somewhere in the day.

Actually, during the early hours of the morning when she was just rolling around and grumbling occasionally but it went on and on and on ..... I woke Bill and told him I was losing the will to live, and he sent me into the spare room and took over :-)

And we didn't resort to the Calpol ;-)

Yuck!

I hate myself sometimes. I have been Evil Bitch Mother from Hell again today. This morning Tamsin cried and said "I don't want you to be so grumpy, mummy" and I don't suppose she was too impressed this afternoon when I threatened to dump her dinner on her head if she didn't eat it.

Anyway, bad temper strengthens my resolve sometimes, and Isabelle pushed me too far this evening by biting me 5 times as she had her bedtime feed. She cried and cried after I stopped feeding her but enough is enough. That's it. No more feeding in the night - cold turkey. I am taking up a cup of water for her and some Calpol in case it gets desperate. I cannot go on being woken this often and it having this horrible effect on my mood all day long due to tiredness. Wish me luck!

It must be fixed...

Y'know, with the amount of McVities Chocolate digestives I get through each week, I would have thought I'd have found a lucky half-biscuit by now and be well on my way to a new car or even just a new washing machine and tumble dryer (all these items sorely needed as we are experiencing one of those periodic phases in one's life when everything breaks down at once) with the proceeds of my good fortune .... but no, not a sausage, or, more appropriately, not a crumb of financial luck has come my way yet. Humph.

Anyway, looking on the bright side, Isabelle's Chinese doll arrived this morning, and she's beautiful ;-)

Feeling too lethargic...

...to blog much lately. Waking 6-10 times per night is not good. Blurgh.

My Mum came to stay for a couple of nights, so on Monday we went to Cheltenham for a good shopping session. I got Tamsin's feet measured, she has grown another size, and so I bought her a lovely pair of pale lilac Kickers boots which are gorgeous!

Isabelle is developing an unmissable line in screaming .... :-( She's generally fussier and more unsettled than she was. Probably because she just wants to get moving. She's just (past couple of days) managed a slight bottom-shuffle type of move that gets her a few inches here and there, but really she just wants to walk and is cross if I leave her sitting anywhere instead of holding her up or walking her round.

Tamsin impressed Granny and me by reading all the 3-letter words (with me reading the rest) in a Red Nose Reader which was being sold off at the library - so she'd never had it read to her before and definitely wasn't doing it from memory! There's been other stuff going on too (though not much!) - some Geomags, some lovely painting and drawing including a new breed of dinosaur called a Flippisaurus (because of its flipper!) ... oh and several educational conversations, the topics of which escape my poor tired brain now (Max and Ruby wittering away in the background doesn't help either...).

Oh, and I ordered one of those lovely Chinese dolls following Alison's links - thanks Alison! Someone I know has just been to China to collect their adopted daughter who was also born in November '04, so if Isabelle's going to have a Chinese friend, why not a Chinese doll :-)!

Anyway, I've got to be at work by 11am (with both kids as it's half term so no work will get done :-( ) so I'd better go.

It shouldn't be this difficult...

I'm trying to find a doll for Isabelle's first birthday present. That shouldn't be very difficult, should it? So how come I can't find what I want? I'm looking for a fully vinyl (so it can be bathed) doll with hair (so none of the 'baby' dolls) that is a bit different from the Tiny Tears that I got for Tamsin on her first birthday so they don't get muddled up. Toy shops, catalogues, Ebay .... I'm not finding anything suitable. How ridiculous is that?

Added later: And the other thing I meant to say was, have the rest of you ever heard of 'Reborn' dolls? Those things are weird. People take dolls and fiddle about with them so they are more realistic to look like real babies. Well, excuse me, but for those of us who have held our dead baby, they are just too bizarre and unpleasant for words. Search on Ebay for Reborn dolls if you don't know what I mean. Ugh, they really gave me the creeps.

Busy busy

Had a pretty good day today. Got up and started off with a good browse through the huge DK Animal book looking at anything and everything that took our attention. We then moved on to looking at and attempting a not-by-the-rules game of the new Hieroglyphics game I picked up at the NCT sale on Saturday. We didn't spend long on it, but it introduced Tamsin to the idea that there are other sorts of writing than that which we use now. Then we had breakfast! After a bit of Nick Jr, we went out to the women's group at church, which as ever was excellently supportive, warm and funny. While there Tamsin drew lots of pictures, which led to a potentially embarrassing moment which thankfully I avoided! The first picture she handed me was a square-ish but smiley face, and whispered "That's Annie!". Although I was surprised that Tamsin had picked up on Annie's name, I attempted to catch Annie's eye across the room and show her that Tamsin had drawn a picture of her. However Annie was busy with her son Oliver, so I couldn't get her attention subtly. Tamsin then presented me with another picture and said "That's Clarabel", and shortly afterwards a third picture, saying "That's Thomas"....!!! Phew!

Came home for a quick lunch involving very fresh hen's eggs which were yummy and then out again to HE group. This is just an informal get-together at someone's house, with no special activities laid on, but it's nice to mix anyway. One of the other women, who couldn't make it today, has been saying to me occasionally that it would be good for me to meet one of the other women with 2 girls around Tamsin's age, but we've kept on missing each other. Well, she was there today, but although Tamsin hit it off very nicely especially with her older girl, who is 5 (the younger one is 3), the mum herself seemed either very out-of-sorts, very unfriendly or very depressed, or something. It was really hard work to engage her in any sort of conversation, and she wouldn't look at me or anyone else much, and for most of the time sat looking at the floor giving off unfriendly vibes. I wondered if it was 'me', as I've actually met her briefly before. I was having a stressful time in Tesco's once, with Tamsin being a bit of a handful and Isabelle getting hungry and wailing, so I ended up sitting down on the edge of a bottom shelf near the freezer section and feeding Isabelle. I was hot and bothered and stressed. Then along came this little girl with an unusually shaped bottom lip, and Tamsin looked at her and whispered to me "Why is her lip like that Mummy?". Since having Benjamin I am pretty unphased by physical differences so said in what I thought was a fairly relaxed, normal voice something along the lines of "Oh, I don't know, it's just grown a bit differently", and the Mum looked at me and said in a fairly tight-lipped fashion, "It's a birthmark". I wondered then if she thought we were rude or I'd handled it badly or something, though I couldn't see how, but thinking about it I now think she's just got that sort of demeanour, judging by today's performance. Anyway, I'm going to e-mail the other woman who I know a bit better (the one who wasn't there today) as she lives in the same village as the unfriendly one (trying to avoid using names here!!) to see if she's always like that or if she was just having an off day. It would be a big shame if the only nearby person who is HEing with girls the same age as mine and who Tamsin likes and wants to get together with is an unfriendly or not very nice woman!

Anyway, we came home for a fairly normal tea/Nick Jr/bedtime so thankfully all is peaceful now although I'm knackered, as usual.

Catching up again

I seem to have got out of the habit of blogging lately, mostly due to just not being 'in the mood' for it. Maybe because I feel we're not really doing much. My most productive and energetic times (mentally and physically) are 8am - 11am or noon, and we only actually have one morning a week (Saturday) when we're home at that time. Four mornings a week Tamsin goes to playschool (three of them because I'm at work, one to give me a break), one morning we go out to my women's/young mums support group and Sunday we go to church. So we only really have afternoons, by which stage I'm tired, grumpy and short of ideas or the willingness to put any into action. I have all these resources, books and ideas lying around, and they rarely get touched or looked at.

So, not a great deal to report, except the gathering of more resources. Last Thursday we went to the Library and changed all our books, and chose some interesting ones for Tamsin which, as well as the story books, included "The Age of Industry" (her choice!!), a good age-appropriate book about science which I hope to go through with her and do some of the activities, and a nice one about trees which is really aimed at older kids but has some activities in it that she could do.

On Saturday I went and helped out at the Stratford-on-Avon NCT second-hand sale, which is lots of hard work but means you get first choice of all the stuff on sale. So I grabbed 2 DK videos - Eyewitness Human Machine and Eyewitness Weather, a Hieroglyphics game for if and when we ever do that stage (I'm sure we will), a couple of Usborne books for Isabelle which will also be useful as demonstrators ;-), a cash-register and shopping basket for playing shops with Tamsin, a push-along walker toy for Isabelle, and some other toys and clothes for both of them. Total cost under £35.00. And then I got a parking ticket - £30. :-( Dashed home from the sale, had an hour for us to ooh and ah over all the stuff, and then took Tamsin to her dancing class. Had the teacher questioning me as to why I was staying. All the other parents having taken her strong hint not to stay, but me deciding that Tamsin would still be happier with me there, and also as we are being ecologically friendly by walking there (10-minute walk -v- 1 minute drive) there's no way I'm walking home again and then walking back to pick her up 45 minutes later. It didn't occur to me at the time, but I must ask her *why* she really doesn't want parents to stay. There's certainly nothing dodgy going on and she's a very nice woman and seems totally fine, but I don't see why leaving should be compulsory if you don't want to! I have no intention of leaving until as and when it suits both me and Tamsin. Dashed home from the dancing class, fed Isabelle and then straight out again to do our film showing for the 'Rural Cinema' that Kate and I run once a month.

On Sunday morning I found a red mite in the chicken house, so in the afternoon after church I went off to the Domestic Fowl Trust to stock up on foul chemicals to nuke them! Haven't yet done the application yet, though, which as it involves grabbing each chicken and dusting it all over with powder makes me a little nervous.

This morning I was in a foul mood (hmmm, same as last Monday!) after being woken a zillion times in the night mostly by Isabelle but also by Tamsin. It feels like things are getting worse because some of the time I used to be able to hum or sing Isabelle back to sleep, instead of feeding her, whereas she's now twigged about that and just starts *screaming* if I start humming. So, apart from swearing at her, my only tactic is to give in and feed. I don't know what to do about it. She is still so little, and has very little frame of reference yet, so not being fed when she feels she needs it probably feels like she'll never be fed again, and that's obviously majorly traumatic. If I go into the spare room for a week and leave Bill to sort her out, she might feel that Mummy's abandoned her and is never coming back. But I can't go on feeding her 6-10 times per night. Well, maybe I can, because that's what I did with Tamsin till she was 2.5, but at least in those days I could sleep in the day. So, anyway, I sobbed in the shower about that, and then again some more when I was getting dressed, and Tamsin was very solicitous as she always is when I cry, and went and fetched Daddy and then tissues. Isabelle fell asleep when I drove home from taking Tamsin to playschool, so thankfully I was able to catch a half-an-hour snooze. Thank God, literally, because it totally changed my mood and my outlook on the day.

Then had someone come over for a chat about cloth nappies. She's pregnant for the first time age 39 after infertility and IVF, so am quite anxious for her, but apart from measuring 4 weeks ahead (loads of fluid, or mammoth baby? scan next week will tell) things seem to be going fine so she's just done all her equipment shopping and was ready to get to grips with the nappy issue. I've recently treated myself to a couple more wraps and a fabulous set of multi-coloured and patterned fleece liners, so was able to show her some of that up-to-date stuff as well as the boring plain white I've had since Tamsin.

I've just remembered that one of the reasons I didn't feel like blogging last week was the news that my brother Martin, on his return home to the USA after his trip here 2 weeks ago, was made redundant. Rather a shock, as although the Science Centre he works in had had financial troubles, they'd had some help from the local government and all seemed to be much more secure. But apparently not. But he is an internationally-regarded planetarium astronomer, and offers of support and work/jobs have come in from all over the place almost immediately. He'll be fine, but it's still a bummer of a thing to happen. Esp. when he was just divorced a year ago and doesn't want to leave his kids.

Anyway, I have a ton of tidying up/Usborne parcel to distribute/money to sort out so this will have to be it for now!

A surprisingly good day - EDITED

Yesterday, I woke up like a bear with a sore head, and snarled and snapped at everybody all day long. This morning, I woke up feeling sunny and relaxed. Huh? I would say yesterday was PMS, except there still isn't any 'M' since Isabelle was born. Whatever, it's been nice to have a day when I don't feel like a murderous bitch.

So, the morning started with puzzles, music-making and Schools Radio (instead of the usual Nick Jr). The day definitely goes better when the TV doesn't go on. Then we went off to the women's group at church, where Tamsin and Isabelle stayed happily playing in creche while I was able to go and have a great time in the group. We're really going to build it into something good, I think, as we all get to know each other more deeply, trust each other more and share each others' joys and problems.

Then straight off to the supermarket to pick up some stuff, and home. After lunch, we made a yummy chocolate cake, made butter (at last - a few times I've bought pots of double cream to have a go at this and ended up chucking them away), some drawing (both of us, using our new Usborne 'You can Draw' book), did some Sonlight reading (Yay, only the 3rd time since 'starting' at the beginning of September!!!), some Brio train track and finally a sit-down to watch Bambi, which Tamsin's never seen before. She asked for it to be switched off after Bambi's mother was shot, although not appearing to be particularly upset about it. I'd rather like her to see the rest, though, to discover that all turns out well in the end (it does, doesn't it? I can't remember! I'm assuming it does seeing as it's Disney!).

Edited to add: Forgot to mention that Tamsin's last task of the day before bed was singing the ABC song and putting her magnetic letters on the board in alphabetical order!

Isabelle went up for her afternoon nap but ended up wailing madly instead of falling asleep, so an early night was in order, which worked well for me as I had to get ready to go out and do a talk for the local Rotary Club. Kate and I were doing it jointly, about our work at Fair Shares. I *really* didn't want to do it, although not particularly nervous but just anticipating a very boring evening, but actually it went surprisingly well! I was very impressed by Kate's public speaking, and she seemed to be impressed by mine, as we've never done that sort of thing together before. So we managed to fill a 45-minute slot successfully, with the promise as we left that 'we would probably hear more from them in future', which hopefully means they might raise us some MONEY!

Catching up

Tamsin had a big day out with Grandpa today to go and see Thomas the Tank Engine at a local steam railway. The plan was that Bill and I would get to grips with the house mess .... Hmmmm

To start with, I got stuck in to the corner around my desk with was piled up with all sorts of crap. Bill took Isabelle and the dog out for a walk and Isabelle fell asleep. When he got back, a failure in communication between us ended up in an argument and a major meltdown on my part. Sobbed and sobbed about how I feel I am running flat out everyday to barely keep up, the house is falling into disarray around me, I have no organisation, I regularly fail to make decent meals (and I am a nutritionist!!) am late everywhere and lose and forget things all the time. I'm either spinning around in circles trying (and failing) to get stuff done or I'm collapsing in an exhausted heap. I'm irritable with the children and generally feel I am failing at everything.

Bill once again proved to have marvellously absorbent shoulders and a plan .... We may get somewhere. Watch this space. I continued sorting out *one small corner* of crap under my desk. How come Merry does so much when there's only a baby in the house?

In 'other news', it was great having a visit from my brother Martin who lives in the USA. We realised it was 4 years since we'd last met, 6 years since he was last here visiting me (for Benjamin's funeral...) and it must be donkeys years since we had the chance to chat as much as we did this week. It was good to have him here, but sad to see him go again.

Good day

Started well with a fairly free morning, which these days we don't have except at the weekends. Since I've been sending Tamsin to playschool on Monday mornings so I can have a 'free' morning (with Isabelle only) as well as Wed to Fri mornings so I can work, and we go out to a group on Tuesday mornings, we are very short of days to just get up and chill out, or achieve something at my best time of the day i.e. 8-11am. Anyway, after clearing up a bit and, of course, building track (but managing to keep the TV off) we walked into town for me to drop a few bits and pieces into the charity shop. Bargain of the week, month or year was then discovered with the purchase of a pair of Gucci 'jeans' (soft, stretchy) for £9.99!!!! Not that the label should necessarily be that impressive but they are very well fitting and well made. I buy the majority of my clothes from the charity shop these days, but they're better clothes than I ever had before! I also got Tamsin a lovely wooden jigsaw puzzle and a pop-up toy for Isabelle.

Then after lunch it was off to Gloucester to visit Clare and girls of Playing it by Ear fame. Despite arriving with Isabelle covered in sick due to the yogurt she had just before leaving home not agreeing with her (and me not bringing a change of clothes for her, oops!), Clare was very welcoming and it was really delightful to meet her and her 2 girls. I think we have plenty in common and a reciprocal visit should be made in due course. Isabelle seemed to be particularly impressed with Rosie, laughing and smiling at her quite a bit, and towards the end, after both of them taking quite a while to warm up, Tamsin and Rosie played together hidden behind the sofa. In fact, Tamsin announced on her way home that she really liked that little hidey-hole and wants one of her own in our living room!

Dinner seemed just too big a hurdle to face on getting home, so we had fish and chips.

Tomorrow I have a work meeting in the morning while Tamsin goes to playschool, then home to make some sense of the mess in order to welcome my eldest brother Martin who is staying for a couple of nights during a shortish visit from the USA. Looking forward to that!

What's been going on

Miscellaneous activities, in no particular order:

- Went to see "The Gruffalo" at the theatre in Cheltenham yesterday. Tamsin loved it. She wants to go to the theatre again!

- Done another Usborne book party this afternoon - very low-key and small orders but I'm still practising, so it all helps.

*Pauses, trying madly to think if anything else positive, educational or useful has been done recently - and concludes that no, it hasn't"

Have spent much time agonising over the overwhelming number of things to do and lack of time or energy to do them. Am very peed off with the state of the house, and various other things.

Ah well, think positively. My brother is visiting from the USA this week - staying here Tuesday till Thursday. We haven't seen him for, umm, can't remember how long but a few years I think, so I'm looking forward to that. And tomorrow I am going to blog-bump with the Playing it by Ear crew for the first time!