Jade's enjoyed herself at school this afternoon, though with DH taking her rather than me. She arrived at lunchtime and joined in a bit of running around with other kids as long as Bill was in close proximity. He says kids gathered round and were asking lots of questions about her which he answered. Once afternoon school started they had a French lesson, and she was relaxed enough to laugh and enjoy it although not joining in. After that it was a tennis lesson, which she didn't want to join in so she and Bill sat and watched. Then the teacher offered them a pair of racquets and a ball so they played around between them and she had fun a bit separately from the rest of the group. When I got home from work she was still buzzing about it and saying she had a really fun time at school.
It's still impossible to see how she will cope without a parent there, but it's at least good that she's enjoying it so far.
When we got to Brownies I had forgotten a vital item, so asked her to stay there while I rushed home to get it. She was quite happy to do so, and when I got back they were already in their sixes and doing the register, so I stayed away and didn't join her until everybody got into a circle for the next bit. It's definitely time for me to take a step or two back at Brownies and start weaning her off me there.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
School Part 1
It's been a stressful few days. I took Jade to visit her class on Thursday morning, prior to proper enrolment and it was hard going. She of course was withdrawn, very overwhelmed by all the people and the new routine. She got worse over the 2 hours we were there and by the end wouldn't even write her name on a piece of paper. We left the classroom for a bit of respite at one point and she couldn't/wouldn't tell me how she was feeling, but she was on the verge of tears. However she was very interested in all the displays on the walls and we spent some time browsing them and she whispered to me about the things she saw. The final straw was when the teacher asked to speak to me outside the room for a few minutes, and when I went back in Jade was in tears.
I was absolutely kicking myself for not having arranged a visit earlier so she could see what she was letting herself in for. I was overwhelmed by my own anxieties about this not working, and what that might do to her confidence. It seemed just ridiculous to me to expect her in any way to be able to settle in a classroom with 25 other kids and 2 adults when I haven't yet ever left her at Brownies with 9 other girls or at the junior church group with about 4-5 other kids. I was wishing we had made diligent, structured efforts to achieve those hurdles before we set ourselves at this massive goal. At this stage we're not even dealing with selective mutism, but rather with social anxiety and separation anxiety. And I don't have a manual on how to deal with those.
However, we bore in mind that on previous occasions she has had a big reaction to something at the time, and then over the course of the next 12-24 hours has reconsidered her feelings and been able to do the thing she had been refusing to do. So Bill talked to her and she agreed to give it one more try, and later on I talked to her and said how I always hated at least the first month of any new job, because everything was so strange, and you don't know the people, and it's all unfamiliar and you feel uncomfortable, but gradually you get used to it and start to settle in. So she agreed to try it for a month. And the following day she was quite happy to go to the school to buy her official school top with the logo on it, wore it away from the school and didn't want to take it off for ages. She still talked occasionally proudly about 'her' school and was quite happy to give it another go. It gave me an extremely stressful few days, though, and I was feeling completely wretched about the whole thing.
This morning she has quite happily gone into school with me for her first 'proper' morning. She was happily laying out her uniform last night and very keen to look just right, and she agreed that she would try and do the actual work the teacher was asking her to do, and not to sit on my knee during carpet time (or whatever they call it!) but to sit next to me instead. We are going to have to take these tiny steps towards separating from me. She was extremely slow to write anything that she was asked to, and hasn't actually produced any written work, but has written down the question she was going to answer, and her name and date on a couple of exercise books. We've spent a lot of time in a big group with the teacher talking and involving the class in discussion, which of course she won't take part in, and also in a small group of 5 talking about non-fiction books, during which she whispered her answers to me and I told them to the rest of the group.
Whenever it's been appropriate and without boring her rigid with it, I've been talking with her about self-calming tactics like taking 3 deep breaths, telling yourself calming thoughts, and imagining that she is a big strong animal rather than a nervous little girl. I've been looking online for child anxiety management resources and found a couple of interesting looking things that I will probably get once we're into a new month with new salary in the bank. And tomorrow (Tuesday) her class teacher and myself will be in London on a one-day training course on SM. Hopefully this will prevent any future occurrences of the teacher asking Jade in front of the group to answer a question with a nod or a shake of the head. She of course did neither as it was far too much in the spotlight for her.
During my reading up on anxiety management I have been reminded that avoidance of a feared situation just strengthens and strengthens the fear, so helping her to face up to what she fears and to find ways of reducing the anxiety it provokes is the way to go, rather than pulling out and avoiding the situation again. I do still wonder whether we have bitten off rather more than she can chew and maybe there are some children who are never going to cope happily with a school environment and as long as she can be helped to join in smaller groups with less pressure/expectation but still without a parent present that ought to be good enough. So we shall see.
Having spent some time in the classroom now I would love to read John Taylor Gatto about the hidden curriculum of the classroom, to see whether that is really what I see happening there. Certainly I can see some children being subjected to a certain amount of embarrassment and anxiety, although in the midst of lots of positive and interesting stuff too.
Anyway I should be in bed now as I have to be up at 6am so that'll have to do for now.
I was absolutely kicking myself for not having arranged a visit earlier so she could see what she was letting herself in for. I was overwhelmed by my own anxieties about this not working, and what that might do to her confidence. It seemed just ridiculous to me to expect her in any way to be able to settle in a classroom with 25 other kids and 2 adults when I haven't yet ever left her at Brownies with 9 other girls or at the junior church group with about 4-5 other kids. I was wishing we had made diligent, structured efforts to achieve those hurdles before we set ourselves at this massive goal. At this stage we're not even dealing with selective mutism, but rather with social anxiety and separation anxiety. And I don't have a manual on how to deal with those.
However, we bore in mind that on previous occasions she has had a big reaction to something at the time, and then over the course of the next 12-24 hours has reconsidered her feelings and been able to do the thing she had been refusing to do. So Bill talked to her and she agreed to give it one more try, and later on I talked to her and said how I always hated at least the first month of any new job, because everything was so strange, and you don't know the people, and it's all unfamiliar and you feel uncomfortable, but gradually you get used to it and start to settle in. So she agreed to try it for a month. And the following day she was quite happy to go to the school to buy her official school top with the logo on it, wore it away from the school and didn't want to take it off for ages. She still talked occasionally proudly about 'her' school and was quite happy to give it another go. It gave me an extremely stressful few days, though, and I was feeling completely wretched about the whole thing.
This morning she has quite happily gone into school with me for her first 'proper' morning. She was happily laying out her uniform last night and very keen to look just right, and she agreed that she would try and do the actual work the teacher was asking her to do, and not to sit on my knee during carpet time (or whatever they call it!) but to sit next to me instead. We are going to have to take these tiny steps towards separating from me. She was extremely slow to write anything that she was asked to, and hasn't actually produced any written work, but has written down the question she was going to answer, and her name and date on a couple of exercise books. We've spent a lot of time in a big group with the teacher talking and involving the class in discussion, which of course she won't take part in, and also in a small group of 5 talking about non-fiction books, during which she whispered her answers to me and I told them to the rest of the group.
Whenever it's been appropriate and without boring her rigid with it, I've been talking with her about self-calming tactics like taking 3 deep breaths, telling yourself calming thoughts, and imagining that she is a big strong animal rather than a nervous little girl. I've been looking online for child anxiety management resources and found a couple of interesting looking things that I will probably get once we're into a new month with new salary in the bank. And tomorrow (Tuesday) her class teacher and myself will be in London on a one-day training course on SM. Hopefully this will prevent any future occurrences of the teacher asking Jade in front of the group to answer a question with a nod or a shake of the head. She of course did neither as it was far too much in the spotlight for her.
During my reading up on anxiety management I have been reminded that avoidance of a feared situation just strengthens and strengthens the fear, so helping her to face up to what she fears and to find ways of reducing the anxiety it provokes is the way to go, rather than pulling out and avoiding the situation again. I do still wonder whether we have bitten off rather more than she can chew and maybe there are some children who are never going to cope happily with a school environment and as long as she can be helped to join in smaller groups with less pressure/expectation but still without a parent present that ought to be good enough. So we shall see.
Having spent some time in the classroom now I would love to read John Taylor Gatto about the hidden curriculum of the classroom, to see whether that is really what I see happening there. Certainly I can see some children being subjected to a certain amount of embarrassment and anxiety, although in the midst of lots of positive and interesting stuff too.
Anyway I should be in bed now as I have to be up at 6am so that'll have to do for now.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
All change
It's a time of significant change here. Jade will be starting school on Monday 27th. Shannon's playgroup is closing next Thursday, April 30th. And the small charity I work for is having difficulty raising funds for this financial year, and I may lose my job. I am looking round for another one. (And in the middle of all that, we will have Benjamin's 10th birthday to get through).
I don't know whether to laugh or cry about the school thing. I am glad that Jade wants to go, because that in itself shows significant progress emotionally and socially. The school are bending over backwards to make it alright for her, by starting her part-time, me going in with her, the teacher will go on a selective mutism training course with me next Tuesday (assuming there are still places available), and if all goes well she could make significant steps forward with social and emotional things, like being able to be away from me, learning to be with others and talk to them and so on. The teacher is good, the class is warm, supportive and friendly - it could make a world of difference to Jade to have this experience. And I am so looking forward to having some headspace for me, time to regroup and take stock of everything (though that might now have to wait till September with Shannon not being at playschool).
On the other hand, all of us HEors know enough about what school can do to some kids and sending her to school to gain in confidence seems rather the wrong way round. And I will miss her :-( We went for a lovely walk in the sunshine on Monday morning and it was that fantastic feeling of freedom while all the other children in the world (it seems) are locked away in school! I love the individuality that HE gives us, the freedom and time to live life as we want to.
Ah well, all we can do now is suck it and see. We have to do this now - Jade wants to and it would be wrong in her particular case to deny that, and there is a good chance she will make big strides forward.
So at the weekend I shall come off the blogring, if the Blogring Controller could arrange that ;-) Make sure you set your bookmarks or RSS feeders now!
In preparation for school, I have been having a little look at where Jade is at educationally. I did a couple of reading tests on her, resulting in a reading age of 12y 7mo (she is 7y 10mo). Overall with maths she seems to be around the end of a Year 2 level, so about a year behind, but she does struggle with maths, doesn't like doing it and I haven't pushed it much, having hoped she will reach an age where it will 'click' more easily. No such luxury in school! And as far as everything else, I haven't a clue! The rest doesn't bother me really. I have printed off those verbal and non-verbal reasoning papers that everyone else has been doing lately but haven't had the chance to give them to her yet. She continues of course to learn everything in the universe about horses and ponies, and could now quite competently devise a stable management routine and feeding routine for any equine friend that came her way. She knows more than I do (and I was an utterly pony-mad child too) about breeds, markings, tack and points of the horse, although not as much about riding yet ;-) That's where her anxiety and lack of self-confidence show through - she's taking the learning to ride process quite slowly.
She spends most of her time pretending to be a pony, pretending to have a pony and setting up various 'stables' round the house, garden and garage, or playing with toy ponies. Occasionally I drag her away to do a spot of maths or grammar, but most overt educational stuff stopped a while ago. She also got a new bike recently (I'd been wondering about getting her a new one for her birthday in June, and then I saw a lovely one 2nd hand for £25 so got that one) and she's loving that - and has started becoming more adventurous about going a little further away from home unaccompanied.
Shannon has been a bit challenging lately! She is wetting her pants most days, despite having been potty trained for a year or more. She just doesn't want to stop whatever she's doing to go to the toilet. And wants carries/piggy-backs/shoulder-carries several times per day. And is just generally whiney and demanding a lot of the time. But I think I have assumed too much that she can cope with whatever comes her way - by comparison with Jade she is confident and robust and I think I have just been so relieved by that, that I have perhaps not been as sensitive to her needs as I otherwise would have. So perhaps she will benefit from Jade being at school and Shannon having some more one-to-one, concentrated attention that doesn't just leave her hanging on running after Jade and L from next door trying to do whatever they do. It was a surprise to me to get her leaver's report from playschool which described her as a "quiet little girl" - quiet is not an adjective I ever would have thought would be used to describe her - and it worries me a bit. Is she significantly squashing her personality at playschool, or not as confident there as I thought she was, although it is very small and they've only had 6-8 kids there since last September? Maybe she won't be as totally unscathed by school as I have been assuming.
Well, that's all for now as I'm all blogged out after being out of practice for so long.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry about the school thing. I am glad that Jade wants to go, because that in itself shows significant progress emotionally and socially. The school are bending over backwards to make it alright for her, by starting her part-time, me going in with her, the teacher will go on a selective mutism training course with me next Tuesday (assuming there are still places available), and if all goes well she could make significant steps forward with social and emotional things, like being able to be away from me, learning to be with others and talk to them and so on. The teacher is good, the class is warm, supportive and friendly - it could make a world of difference to Jade to have this experience. And I am so looking forward to having some headspace for me, time to regroup and take stock of everything (though that might now have to wait till September with Shannon not being at playschool).
On the other hand, all of us HEors know enough about what school can do to some kids and sending her to school to gain in confidence seems rather the wrong way round. And I will miss her :-( We went for a lovely walk in the sunshine on Monday morning and it was that fantastic feeling of freedom while all the other children in the world (it seems) are locked away in school! I love the individuality that HE gives us, the freedom and time to live life as we want to.
Ah well, all we can do now is suck it and see. We have to do this now - Jade wants to and it would be wrong in her particular case to deny that, and there is a good chance she will make big strides forward.
So at the weekend I shall come off the blogring, if the Blogring Controller could arrange that ;-) Make sure you set your bookmarks or RSS feeders now!
In preparation for school, I have been having a little look at where Jade is at educationally. I did a couple of reading tests on her, resulting in a reading age of 12y 7mo (she is 7y 10mo). Overall with maths she seems to be around the end of a Year 2 level, so about a year behind, but she does struggle with maths, doesn't like doing it and I haven't pushed it much, having hoped she will reach an age where it will 'click' more easily. No such luxury in school! And as far as everything else, I haven't a clue! The rest doesn't bother me really. I have printed off those verbal and non-verbal reasoning papers that everyone else has been doing lately but haven't had the chance to give them to her yet. She continues of course to learn everything in the universe about horses and ponies, and could now quite competently devise a stable management routine and feeding routine for any equine friend that came her way. She knows more than I do (and I was an utterly pony-mad child too) about breeds, markings, tack and points of the horse, although not as much about riding yet ;-) That's where her anxiety and lack of self-confidence show through - she's taking the learning to ride process quite slowly.
She spends most of her time pretending to be a pony, pretending to have a pony and setting up various 'stables' round the house, garden and garage, or playing with toy ponies. Occasionally I drag her away to do a spot of maths or grammar, but most overt educational stuff stopped a while ago. She also got a new bike recently (I'd been wondering about getting her a new one for her birthday in June, and then I saw a lovely one 2nd hand for £25 so got that one) and she's loving that - and has started becoming more adventurous about going a little further away from home unaccompanied.
Shannon has been a bit challenging lately! She is wetting her pants most days, despite having been potty trained for a year or more. She just doesn't want to stop whatever she's doing to go to the toilet. And wants carries/piggy-backs/shoulder-carries several times per day. And is just generally whiney and demanding a lot of the time. But I think I have assumed too much that she can cope with whatever comes her way - by comparison with Jade she is confident and robust and I think I have just been so relieved by that, that I have perhaps not been as sensitive to her needs as I otherwise would have. So perhaps she will benefit from Jade being at school and Shannon having some more one-to-one, concentrated attention that doesn't just leave her hanging on running after Jade and L from next door trying to do whatever they do. It was a surprise to me to get her leaver's report from playschool which described her as a "quiet little girl" - quiet is not an adjective I ever would have thought would be used to describe her - and it worries me a bit. Is she significantly squashing her personality at playschool, or not as confident there as I thought she was, although it is very small and they've only had 6-8 kids there since last September? Maybe she won't be as totally unscathed by school as I have been assuming.
Well, that's all for now as I'm all blogged out after being out of practice for so long.
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