What a difference a year makes

This time last year Jade had only just started answering the register in class. She could read to her teacher, but apart from that did not speak to adults in the school apart from her TA. She had refused to take part in Sports Day. She would not respond to direct questions from anybody. Now, on her last day of primary school, these are her achievements over the past few months:

 - she has been talking well in class since the beginning of the school year;

- she has talked to a different class TA, as well as the teacher;

- she has taken part in Sports Day and come 2nd in her race;

 - she has been doing the Bus Register every morning all year, asking and checking who will be travelling on the school bus that evening;

- she went on the Year 6 residential trip, 2 nights and 3 days away at an outdoor activity centre. She had been adamant she wasn't going to stay overnight right up to the first day there, but towards the end of the afternoon of the 1st day she said she wanted to stay. She loved it!

- she has had a conversation with her riding instructor privately while untacking the pony in the stable at the end of a lesson. She did return to me a bit teary and has been unable to say why, but she semi-agreed it was due to the pressure of the situation, the instructor hadn't said anything difficult or unpleasant (I wouldn't have dreamed that she would have), and Jade had been able to answer the questions;

- she goes round to the shop at our local petrol station to buy sweets, and says she speaks while doing so;

- she went on the bus to her future Secondary School for two induction days, and told me she spoke to a few teachers while there;

- yesterday she spoke to the Headteacher for the first time ever, while explaining the design on her stone for the 'Spiritual Garden' being set up in the school;

 - this morning, she spoke in the school assembly, talking about a shield she and her friend had designed for one of the members of staff;

- this afternoon, she spoke in church at the Leavers' Service, in front of the whole school and many parents, along with all the other Year 6 pupils, describing their stone designs for the Spiritual Garden.

She has come so much further than I ever could have dreamed a year ago. The outlook for her future has changed drastically over the past 12 months. I can now foresee a normal future for her, instead of one where she couldn't function properly or get a job or enjoy social occasions with friends. I am more confident than I ever could have dreamed that she will flourish at secondary school. There is still room for things to go wrong, and for her to regress, but every single report I have ever heard about the school is that it is excellent, especially for those who need some extra support, and I've not heard a bad word about it.

She still has her areas of difficulty - at our first appointment with the psychologist for CBT yesterday she squashed herself into the same chair as me, studiously read a book while the psychologist was speaking to her and did her best to avoid any interaction, and was clearly quite uncomfortable. She still cannot speak to many people, for example my Mum, my brothers, and others. She is unlikely to initiate conversation even with people she can respond to. And she is quick to be moody, grumpy and stroppy even out in public, with people commenting on her angry or miserable appearance especially if she feels any attention is on her. But these are difficulties that I am now more confident can be ironed out in due course.

An amazing day, and one that for a very long time I thought I would never see.

How she's doing.

Jade has continued to make great progress.

Back in July, the same week that she first answered the register at school and danced in the school production, she conquered another big fear. Anybody who knows Jade knows she is pony-mad (like mother, like daughter). She has loved ponies and riding since the age of 4, had her first ride on a pony at 4 and had her first lessons at age 6. She has had regular lessons for about 3 years, has been highly praised by all her different instructors for her natural seat and skill, and can ride beautifully ... but only at walk and trot. Canter has been way too scary for her to try. She has wanted to do it, has driven me mad asking what it feels like, has read about it, thought about it, pretended to do it ... but always refused to try on a real pony. Earlier this year I thought we were going to get somewhere because she agreed to try a canter in her lesson. She was scared of being run away with, though, so wanted to do it on the lunge rein rather than on her own. This means she was going round in a circle instead of a straight line, and although she did manage a few steps of canter, she unfortunately but gently fell off. She then refused to go back to those stables. Instead she wanted to go where her friend E goes, so I asked E's mum, who turns out to have been a qualified riding instructor in a previous life(!) and she recommended Turpins Lodge near Banbury. It's a good 20-25 minute drive from our house and I never would have gone there of our own accord, but they've been absolutely brilliant with Jade. And on about her 4th or 5th lesson, she took us all by surprise. As usual, at canter time, her instructor said "Okay Jade, it's your turn. Trot to the corner, then do sitting trot and kick on and canter round to the back of the ride". And blow me down, she did! I was astonished, and so thrilled! And more importantly, so was she! Check out the video:



So, in the space of a week, she had done her first public performance, said her first word in front of the whole class, and done her first successful canter on a pony. It felt like all the walls were coming tumbling down! Fantastic!

Then came the summer holidays, and a bit of a lull. Having pretty much always spoken to her Grandpa (my Dad) she went all quiet and stopped talking when he was here, for most of the summer.

In early August, the girls and I went for a 3-day camping trip to the New Forest. On our last morning, we all went to a riding stables for an hour's hack. Shannon was in front on a leading rein, then me, and then Jade and another girl behind me. Shortly after we set off, I thought I heard Jade's voice and turned round to hear what she was saying to me, and almost fell off my horse when I realised one of the ride leaders had asked her a question and she was answering!!!! Honestly, that is one of the best moments of my life. And later on when we were talking about it, she told me that when she was wandering round the campsite one day stroking the wild ponies, a man had asked her a question and she had answered him.

Then, of course, it was back-to-school time, with a new teacher and a mix-up of classes, so some old friends and some new classmates. I had a lot of confidence in her teacher, though, because at the end of last term I went to have a chat with her, and discovered she is studying for a Masters in Special Educational Needs, had already read up about SM and her Mum is some sort of SEN trainer who has taught and advised others on selective mutism. However Jade told me she was not planning on answering the register in her new class so I did not know what to expect. Here's how it went:

Sept 2nd - Day 1 of term - Jade did not answer the register but did read out loud to her teacher.

Sept 5th - Day 2 of term - Jade asked her teacher for a maths sheet that she needed. (Initiating speech - quite amazing!!)

Sept 6th - Day 3 - called out the score she got on her maths test in front of the whole class.

Week 2 - answering the register, calling out her maths scores, talking in circle time, answering questions, and volunteering to go up and write stuff on the white board.

Sept 15th - She stood up and explained the third stage of the water cycle to the whole class.

Early Oct - has put up her hand to answer questions in class. She is 'Star of the Week' in her class this week because of her progress with talking, so gets to wear a badge all week which she was presented with in assembly in front of the whole school.

Oct 7th - along with 2 friends Jade has performed a puppet show (with speech) to the whole class.

To say I am proud, relieved and joyful is an understatement. There have been so many dark times when I truly doubted we would ever see such progress, times when I berated myself for not doing more, noticing earlier, helping her better and more consistently, when I felt I identified and empathised too much with her anxiety and didn't help her conquer it. We have not dealt with this perfectly at all. We have muddled through, sometimes pushing forward, sometimes just leaving things be for a long while. We have held back for fear of pushing her too hard, and not known what to do. And yet, imperfectly, slowly, we have helped her along and the results are beginning to show.

She still has a long way to go. She is still silent in every other social situation. She doesn't want to go to any groups or join in after-school activities. She has never asked for what she wants in a cafe or restaurant, is silent while buying things in shops, hides behind me when we meet new people and hates family gatherings and doesn't answer people's questions if we (parents) are there. Nevertheless, we can at last see signs that she is truly on the road to recovery, that it may take time but we can see a positive and normal future for her. Fantastic.

For the record

Will I ever get the blogging bug back? I don't know, but I know that I regret it when I don't record the important steps as well as the day-to-day stuff for future reading.

Jade had such a good week last week. The girl who, last year, wouldn't even take part in rehearsals for the class production despite having said she wanted to play a percussion instrument, and who wouldn't take part in Sports Day just a month ago, danced in a group on Monday and Tuesday nights in front of a big audience, without a hint or flicker of dropping out or tears or anxiety. We were so pleased!

However, I did notice that during the songs when everyone sang, she wasn't even attempting to take part and therefore stood out (to me anyway - she was at the back) as the only person who wasn't singing. So when, on the way home, she asked me if I would give her a 'prize' for taking part, I said I would if she would even just move her lips during the songs the following night. Maybe I was being a bit ungenerous, but I knew she could do it and I wanted to give her a bit more of a push while things were going so well.

On Tuesday lunchtime, the class TA who worked with Jade a lot last year and is the only person in the school she can properly talk to, rang me to say she had answered the register verbally for the first time! For the past two years she has responded to her name with a thumbs up. But she had said to the TA that she really wants to be a prefect. She's talked about this with me before and I'd said that it was unlikely to happen because she wouldn't be able to tell kids not to run in the corridors, for instance. She'd thought she could just go and tell the TA each time she had something to report. Anyway, as expected, she was not announced as one of the new prefects, but staff will be keeping an eye on the kids and making more prefects of those who deserve it over during the first term. So on Tuesday, the TA said she knew what she had to do to be able to be a prefect, and perhaps now would be a good time to start with her first word by answering the register. The TA suggested she say 'yes' to her friend sitting next to her, but in the event, she gave a very clear 'yes' which the whole class and the TA standing in the doorway could hear! Nobody turned a hair or made her feel uncomfortable. She said she wouldn't do it the following day because they had a substitute teacher who she knows and doesn't like so much, but actually she did, and continued to answer the register all week.

Then on Tuesday evening she took part in the second night of the production and sure enough, I could just about see her lips move during the group songs. It was obviously quite difficult for her as it was quite a small movement, which I found interesting. Strange that it's harder for her to even look as though she's singing (i.e. move her lips clearly) than to dance in front of the audience. We went out the next day and she chose another Breyer horse as her reward!

Interesting memory from Jade

Jade has just told me something really interesting. She says she can remember being 4, and on holiday in a tent with us somewhere (could very well have been our first Kessingland), and having the selective mutism feeling when somebody wanted to talk to her, but if she had known then what she knows now, she realises she would have been able to push herself to talk and got over it. She said she thinks we should have helped her more. She was struggling to explain herself, so I asked if she meant that it was a smaller feeling then than she gets now, and that with a bit of encouragement or help she would have been able to get over it then, and she agreed.

I told her that I absolutely agreed with her - if we had known then what we know now, we would have treated her shyness/silence a bit differently and maybe we wouldn't have got to where we are now. But I said that it's also encouraging because she can see quite clearly that what she has now is just a strong habit that has built up in her brain over the past 5 years, and that's all. (Which chimes in nicely with the Linden Method which we have started to use consistently this week.)

She also drew a lovely series of cartoon pictures (which she has done quite a bit of recently and shows something of a talent for) depicting herself hiding behind a parent when another child approaches, but gradually coming out and moving closer to the other child, and the parent stepping back, and her own expression changing from worried to relaxed and talking as she gets closer to this other child. I've asked DH to scan it in and maybe I will upload it if Jade lets me.

Saving the best till last

Having been chided by my friend Michelle, I am blogging! It would be easier if Shannon didn't insist on sitting on my knee and therefore having to do this one-handed, but I will manage somehow!

So, what's been going on then? Well, the one blogpost that has been in my mind for a while is "Jade is thriving at school." Yes, thriving! It's a bit galling for an ex-home educator to admit, but it really is doing her good. Because she is now familiar with the environment, the people and the routines, she is gaining enough confidence to try new things that she would never attempt in a group of people she didn't know so well. For instance, she has volunteered to help out in the infants (4-7yr olds) playground once a week, along with a couple of friends. I think she is enjoying being one of the 'big ones' who help out the 'littlies', despite how horrible she is to her own sister at home! She tried out African drumming when a group visited the school for everyone to try. To be honest, I was astonished when I found out she'd actually done it in front of the rest of the class. She never would do that if we'd gone to a HE workshop or similar. She's taking part in different sports like netball, tennis and hockey. Again, just totally unthinkable for her to attempt to try these in a group of strangers. If we were in the fortunate position of living in Cambridgeshire and could go to Latinetc and Historyetc with all our lovely HE friends, in a regular group, it may be a different story, but even then I'm not sure whether she would have gained enough confidence in that group to take part.

She is going in happily every day, without any parental accompaniment at all. Yes, she has a bit of a moan about it from time to time. She put 'no school' on her Christmas wish list yesterday! And that is about the compulsory forced factory-production nature of schooling, and I am not saying that school couldn't be improved - it certainly could. But it is certainly doing her a great deal more good than harm. And I can tell she really enjoys her sense of achievement when she's learned something and tells me about it, especially stuff I don't know. She enjoys history particularly and at the moment is reading "Oliver Twist" by Charles Dickens, having been introduced to him during the work they're doing on Victorians this term. I certainly didn't read Dickens when I was 9! And even when I did read it, compulsorily for O Level at about 15, I didn't enjoy it like she is.

Every Friday morning, the school has an 'awards' assembly where each teacher picks one child for a 'merit' award for good academic work and a child for a 'star of the week' award for character/behaviour/personal qualities. A month or so ago, unbeknown to me, Jade was picked for a merit award for her excellent use of vocabulary, one example of which was the use of the word 'oblivious'. When her name was announced, she got up from her place and went to the front to collect her award with everybody's eyes on her and applause. A term ago, she would probably have bolted from the hall, or stayed glued to the spot and cried, or something. But she didn't; she actually got up and went to the front for her award. I so wish parents got warned and that I could have been there to watch (but then the relevant parent being present would be rather a give-away!) but never mind the award, I was just thrilled to bits to hear that she got up and went to the front, no matter what for.

Speaking of the awards assembly, Shannon got one last week as well. Hers was a 'star of the week' award for having a lovely smile, being happy and smiley all the time and cheering up the teacher whenever she looks at her! Shannon is the one who is most likely to say "I don't want to go to school". But whenever she is there she seems happy, relaxed and as though she's having a good time. However she is the one that I think would thrive more on home education, apart from her major need to play with other kids every day. She would take part in demonstrations and workshops with gusto, and ask questions, and follow her interests and not worry about getting things wrong.

But personally, I am *loving* my 3 quiet days at home. I love it. I love being on my own, reading, tidying, sorting, thinking, sometimes sleeping, unassaulted by the multitude of demands and interruptions. It feels like it is my 'sanity' time.

So, while Shannon is relatively happy, we'll leave things as they are.

Oh, and finally, saving the best to last, Jade has spoken her first words to her teacher! She has been having 'sliding-in' sessions with her TA (to whom she speaks) and her class teacher and 2-3 other kids at lunchtimes, just 15-20 minutes playing games, and during a game of Happy Families she asked her teacher for a card! The journey of 1000 miles begins with the first step.....

And now I need to put Shannon to bed, but when I get back, I will blog about 'other news'.

Thoughts on future HE

When Jade first went to school in April 2009, we were very uncertain whether she would settle into it or not, but she had asked to go, and we really wanted to see if we could make some progress with her severe social anxiety and selective mutism, in a safe supportive place with trained, committed staff and people whom she could get to know day in day out and learn to trust that nothing bad would happen to her there. She needed to grow her own confidence that she could manage without being with me all the time, and expand the range of people she could be with and hopefully talk to.

We've had major ups and downs in that process, but at the moment things look reasonable. She can talk to her TA usually, though still with some anxiety and not with the complete freedom she talks with at home; she has learned to cope without me being there all the time; she talks to other children on the whole; she can read to her teacher in a small group, and she has answered maths questions in a low voice but enough that the children on her table could hear.

There are still areas of difficulty, obviously. She won't go to Brownies without me, and in fact she's said she doesn't want to go back because it's boring. It's boring because she won't join in any games, and as they play lots of games at Brownies a lot of the time she is sitting at the side with me, just watching. She won't do 'wake and shake' in the playground in the mornings, even at the back where nobody would be watching her because they'll all be facing the front and even though I'm with her and doing it too. She won't go for riding lessons, even though riding is her favourite thing to do. She really wants to be able to canter, despite her fear of doing so, but won't do it in a lesson because she doesn't want to be watched. She can't canter on her loan pony, Lily, because Lily is too strong and would likely gallop off! She won't talk to my Mum any more, or other relatives or any other adults apart from those mentioned and us at home.

Anyway, at the beginning, I urged Jade to try school for a week, and then for a month, and then for a term, and then for the rest of the year. As I've said she's made good progress but still needs to make more, so in our latest discussions of how long to stay at school, we've said she needs to stay till the end of primary, but can be home educated again instead of going to secondary school. She seems happy with this, both about staying at school for 2 more years but also about not having to go after that!

However it's giving me pause for thought on various fronts, and this morning after being woken at about 5.30am by Shannon, I lay awake till 7am worrying and fretting about Jade.

If Jade was normally socially competent, I would not doubt that HE would be best for her. Home education of itself has always seemed vastly superior to me, for the freedom and depth and range of education, and freedom from the excessive peer pressures and attitudes of schoolkids, especially during the tumultuous adolescent stage. Even just thinking about Jade herself, I'm very glad to think about her not being in that pressured, difficult and stressful situation.

But in the small hours of this morning, I saw very clearly the other side of the coin. Adolescence is the time when friendships become extra important, and it is going to be vital that she has at least one or two good, supportive and reliable friends who will be kind about her struggles and difficulties. My worry is partly fuelled by occasionally reading a blog by a teen who struggles with anxiety and selective mutism and who is heading scarily towards anorexia as she struggles massively with her self-image and who she is. I also think back to my own teenage years which were dominated by my own anxiety problems (phobia) and how scarily astray some of my own thinking and views were.

Jade currently has 2 good friends who want to see her out of school time, though there are others at school who seem to like being with her but don't make any attempt to be in touch after school or in the holidays. One girl lives next door, and though she is a kind and good-hearted girl, she is very much a slow learner, and Jade is rude and horrible to her quite often (yes, we do pull her up on it and talk about it and punish her for the worst behaviour but it's taking an awfully long time to change this behaviour/attitude), and I just think that once they outgrow childish games and get into the teenage years, I can't see the friendship continuing strongly. Jade's other friend is herself a bit prone to fiery outbursts, and on Friday lunchtime they fell out in a big way (though Jade has to sit next to her in class all day, since she was deliberately put with a friend to help her in her new class), and she is also one who is in the lowest academic groups in the class and I am worried about the morals and attitudes of the family she comes from and all in all I am not sure that friendship is going to be one that lasts or if it does, I don't really want to encourage it all that much.

Living in such a rural area, there are not many HEors so there is not a strong prospect of good friends in the HE group either. There used to be 3 girls of roughly Jade's age who were HE'd, but she didn't particularly gel with any of them and of course I don't even know if they still are or will continue to be HE'd. Jade has never made any particular friends at church and again in a rural area people come from all over the place so could easily be 15 miles away from us. Once she reaches secondary age, it is really not going to be so straightforward for me to attend groups with her and stay, and unless she is already established in a group by then I can't see her attending on her own.

So I had this scary vision of Jade aged 11+ with no good, trustworthy friends, unable to go to social groups and make new ones, isolated at home, getting less socially confident as the pangs of adolescence strike and ....... urgh!

Add to this, the fact that DH is due to retire in 4 years, his income will probably reduce by half or more, I need/want to study for an MSc over the next 3-4 years so I can become a nutritional therapist and work after he retires and supplement our income, he doesn't want nor would he be very good at being the main educator, if Jade isn't going to school then I bet Shannon wouldn't want to stay either, and I won't be able to study properly if they're both at home all the time, and I just don't see how it's all going to work.

May

When I was HEing, I was quite anti-school. I still am in many ways. I still think that for many (most?) children, HE is definitely a better education and is better socially and emotionally. However, I am finding I am having to eat my words and revise my opinions, particularly in Jade's case, as very surprisingly it turns out that school is very good for her, so far!

There is no way I could have persuaded her (and still couldn't) to take part in music lessons, sports lessons, language lessons or any sort of performance outside of school, and yet at school in the past month, in a safe and secure environment with which she has become familiar and in which she has grown to learn that the people there care for her and understand her, she has taken part in tennis lessons, hurdling, her class assembly including doing a class 'rap' (I saw her slightly moving her lips and she did all the dancing/actions) and of course normal lessons including French. She is telling me 2 or 3 times a week about a new child she has spoken to for the first time (which is getting expensive - I buy her a present for each new person!). And to cap it all, and this may be the biggest surprise of all - she likes maths!!!!!!!!! The girl who used to end up in tears almost *every* time I tried to do maths with her! I was watching a TED video earlier and she joined me half-way through it, and I explained it was a teacher speaking who was trying to make maths teaching more interesting, and she exclaimed "well, how stupid is that - maths *is* interesting and I *like* maths already!" I had to turn and look at her to make sure it was my daughter sitting next to me!

My attendance at school has got less and less over the past 3 weeks. I just kept needing to be somewhere else earlier each day when possible, going and sitting in the staffroom as early as possible and leaving her to discover that all was well, and this despite her TA being off for the past 2 weeks as her father has sadly died. I've also been not going back at the end of lunchtime, and not picking her up till the end of the school day, and she's been just fine. So at the moment, usually, I go in to school with her in the morning, go to the staffroom after 5-10 minutes, and go home around 9.30-9.45, and not collect her till 3.05pm. It really is so lovely to see her happy, relaxed and participating well in school, and as I said, taking part in things I never would have been able to persuade her to outside of school, due to her anxiety about new people and new situations. She still doesn't talk to any other adults apart from her TA, and even with the TA it's intermittent, but now she's well-established in her attendance again and able to let us go home, it'll be time to start working on 'sliding-in' the class teacher that she will have in September, to see if we can possibly get her talking in class in the new school year.

April

The Easter holidays were really nice. I love Easter - it's my favourite holiday, and, after some v. bad behaviour by Jade hurting Shannon, and a firm laying-down-of-the-law and re-stating boundaries with whole family present, the next 2 weeks were delightful and they played together such a lot, more nicely than they have done for months!

I was anxious about the return to school, but in fact it's gone fairly well on the whole. She did express reluctance to get up on the first morning, despite being given the chance the day before to discuss any feelings she may have which she had declined to take up, but I insisted that she get out of bed and come downstairs for me to talk to her about it, as I felt that lying in bed would only make the bad feeling continue. I am sure it helped that she got out of bed, and she just needed a cuddle and a reminder that it was only because she'd been away for a couple of weeks and had forgotten that she does often have quite a nice time there and she agreed to get ready.

Writing this 2 weeks later I can't really remember the details of what happened. I know she spent most of the 1st day with the TA in her office rather than in the classroom. She was reluctant to participate at first, but got going after a while and gradually settled in. They usually start with games (snakes & ladders, tiddlywinks or dominoes being current favourites) and lots of joking/silliness to help her settle down. And of course I have to stay there!

Iirc that week was mostly spent in the same way. In the TA's office during the morning, parent present too, in classroom in afternoons when TA is busy teaching. I remember she did have swimming on the first Friday morning back, and took her swimming things but didn't want to join in the lesson despite it being taught by her TA. There was a moment of upset at the end when the TA, having failed to encourage her to join in during the entire lesson, approached her at the end and I think Jade was scared she was going to make her do something she didn't want to do, and pushed her away a little, and then burst into tears! In fact TA was only coming over to say that she only had 2 people in the next session if Jade wanted to stay, or she could choose to get dressed and go back to school with rest of class. She chose to go back to school.

The second week started with a challenge, and then went rather well. On the Monday morning I was meeting with a couple of people who had come to the school to see me to start doing a CAF (Common Assessment Framework - means we get some money to use to buy in any professional/therapist we want). So I had a 9am meeting with them, and 9am on a Monday morning is not Jade's best time! She hadn't settled in, but there simply was no option except for me to leave her and go to this meeting, so in the end despite trying to get her settled in for as long as poss in the end I had to peel her hands off me and TA stood between her and me as I walked away while she wailed :-( That was horrible. I almost cried while walking down the corridor, but a little while into the meeting I saw TA and Jade walking round the playground looking quite relaxed and happy. Got the story later that she had stopped crying almost immediately I left, had taken about 10 minutes to go from staring stiffly out of the window while TA played games on her own with funny running commentary, to gradually being drawn into the game, and then playing, relaxed, chatty, happy. After a few games she agreed to go for the walk round the playground and then go into class, and all went well! When I saw her after breaktime she was happy, bouncy, cheerful. I went home while she went into maths, and had lunch, and then I was back in school for the afternoon session when she does not have her TA.

On the Tuesday I had to be with her all day because the TA was teaching all day. She had been reluctant to be in the classroom before Easter, but there was no choice today and she got on just fine. She says she doesn't like it because the work is too hard, but it isn't. She is quite capable of doing everything but she dreams a lot, misses instructions, and then of course can't ask what she's supposed to be doing! When I am sitting near her I am often nudging her and telling her to pay attention and listen to what's going on.

On the Wednesday as usual it was Bill's day to be at school with Jade while I worked. She's never so dependent on him being close by as she is me, so she sent him home during the morning! I haven't been sent home for months! He went back after lunch as agreed, but was not really needed and was sent home again, as the TA teaches Jade's class on a Wednesday afternoon and Jade was quite happy to be there without Dad. Apparently she participated in this class more than she has done before, putting her hand up to answer questions though not speaking them out loud across the class. She did speak in a low normal voice, though, when the TA came near her.

On Thursday, I went with Jade and the TA to go into assembly. She's been objecting to going to this, not sure why but seemingly because she's uncomfortable sitting on the floor for 15 minutes. So she's allowed to sit on a bench or chair with the TA, who positioned us all so that TA was in the middle between Jade and I. Jade kept looking beseechingly at me, not happy at not being right next to me, and after a couple of minutes dropped to her knees and knelt down on the floor in front of me. The TA let her sit next to me, but really ...! She really does get on very well with the TA, but there is just something about her separation anxiety and inability to let me go... When we went to the classroom, I was supposed to go and sit at the back of the classroom while the TA sat next to Jade, but Jade kept hanging on to my hand, wouldn't let go, and wanted me sitting right next to her again. The TA asked me to go out with her into the staffroom for a quick chat and we said we'd be back in a minute. The TA expressed her frustration about how completely fine, happy and relaxed Jade had been the day before, and manages quite well on Wednesdays and gets rid of her Dad quite quickly, but the following day we take a couple of steps backwards because she is so attached to me and doesn't want me to go even a few steps away. We talked it over, and remembering how it went on Monday, I suggested that I stay in the staffroom and not go back into the classroom with the TA. I was really anxious about how it would go, and paced up and down and felt myself developing a tension headache, but peeked out of the door into the classroom a couple of times and all seemed to be fine. The story later was that when the TA went back in and told Jade that I was having a cuppa in the staffroom, her face changed for a few minutes, feeling upset and bothered, but a bit of a joke and silliness from the TA soon got her smiling and then laughing, and then she was completely utterly fine. Her reward for doing well in class was to leave 20 mins early to go to the TA's office for some games, and then just a minute or two before break-time they came out and came to find me and tell me how things had gone. Jade was completely happy, giggling away with the TA, answering questions in the corridor about the games they had played, relaxed, confident - wow! She asked me to stay just until she had found her friends to play with at breaktime and I told her I would have to leave to go to work. We went outside and found her friends, and I was just helping with a bit of game organisation when the TA came out to me and said she was going to have to go as her Dad was very ill again (he has terminal cancer). After she went, I turned and said confidently to Jade (though half-expecting she might resist now that the TA wasn't going to be there), "right, I'll go to work now, and you can go to maths, and I'll see you at the end of lunchtime" and she nodded quite happily and agreed! She has a different teacher for maths, and she's always been more confident about going to that lesson because she's never had any upsets with that particular teacher. I went to work, got back and was with her for most of the afternoon lessons. She had PE in the hall for about 45 mins, and to start with she was anxiously making sure I was very close at hand, but I gradually wandered off to peruse the children's work on the walls, and then when I saw she was quite relaxed and joining in happily, I gestured to her that I was going to disappear for a cuppa, and she nodded. I stayed away about 15 minutes, went back and they were all lying on the ground with their eyes closed doing the cool-down bit, so I left them to it and went back and waited in the classroom. When she got back, she said "I thought you said you were only going for a drink and then coming back?" but she was not upset or particularly bothered, and when I explained that I had gone back but not gone in she was quite OK with that.

On the Friday morning the TA teaches swimming, this time with other classes, so again I stayed with Jade. It was really nice to see her interacting a lot more with the other children - after they had all changed for PE and were sitting on the carpet waiting for everyone else she was sitting in a little group listening to one boy's stories and chat, smiling and giggling and generally joining in! I wandered off while she had PE again, this time tennis outside, and I went in to the staffroom for a cup of tea, and stayed away for about half an hour till they came back. Then it was breaktime, followed by maths, so I disappeared again and went to work. When I got back at the end of lunchtime, I appeared at the classroom door and the teacher told me that I could go and sit in the staffroom as Jade was quite OK, and I could see that she was and she smiled happily at me. So off I went to the staffroom for the entire afternoon - that's not happened for a long long time!

So a good end to the second week. She seems to be widening the group of kids she plays with and building relationships with more girls.

After school on Friday, Gary from church came over as he has been doing on and off for a few months, and she had a good time with him too, playing games at first non-verbally, but when we played a game of Happy Families she started by only whispering in my ear when she wanted a card, but when she realised she had to ask Gary for something, she just started talking out loud and then being quite confident and relaxed about it!

Lows and highs

On Wednesday, Bill goes in to school with Jade while I (usually) work - although this week I had taken the day off and was taking Shannon to the audiologist at Cheltenham Hospital.

After having a horrible day in the TA's office on Monday, and what I felt to be a better day on Tuesday when the TA was teaching a class and not available, so we were in Jade's own classroom and she seemed to enjoy a fair amount of it, I asked her on Wednesday morning whether she would rather go into her classroom, or the TA's office, and I was surprised when she chose the office! I heard later that she had started playing games with the TA fairly quickly, sent Bill away to the staffroom after a fairly short time and then had a lovely time with the TA, playing snakes & ladders, frustration and Guess Who. She had done masses of talking, proper conversation, giggling, even to the extent of being a bit over-the-top! Bill had been sent home around 10.30am (I only get to go home at lunchtime these days), gone back in the afternoon and even then been sent to the staffroom. She had had a really good day.

On Thursday morning when I took her in, we again went to the TA's office. We started reasonably well, with Jade and the TA finishing off a game of snakes & ladders they had left from the day before. Jade was not talking, but was smiling, relaxed and happy. At one point I nipped out to the toilet for about 5 mins and then went back in. After a bit longer, the TA suggested to Jade that I go to the staffroom, and Jade shook her head. We tried a bit of cajoling, reminding her that she'd been totally fine the day before, and that I'd just been out for 5 minutes and she's been fine too, but she wasn't having any of it. She started to look more and more upset, and when we suggested merely that I sit on a chair just outside the office door, with the door left open, she got under the table that was inbetween us and clung to my leg sobbing, not letting me move at all. She just fell apart at the idea that I might move away at all, crying and crying. I sat down and she sat on my knee and buried her face in my neck and stayed there for ages, just crying and crying. It took ages for her to calm down, all the time with me encouraging her to fight the 'worry brain', not listen to the lies it was telling her about the terrible things that might happen, reminding her that she was learning to be stronger and to talk back to it and not believe it; telling her that the worry brain was spoiling her day and if she would just fight back against it, the day would improve, and so on. I don't really know if any of that helped. When she had finally stopped crying, she wasn't ready to interact with the TA again so I suggested that Jade and I have a game of snakes & ladders, which she agreed to do. She seemed OK almost straightaway, as though she had got all the emotion out of her system and was ready to go again. She and I played a game, then the TA joined in the next game with all 3 of us, then the TA and Jade played together while I sat back and gradually mentally withdrew so I was not listening/responding to them or their conversation. Then the TA suggested the two of them play a game of Guess Who, and immediately it was set up, Jade started talking/asking the questions quite confidently. She was as vocal with the TA as I have ever seen her, being quite assertive and even cheeky in the game play! With some trepidation (though that wasn't obvious to Jade), the TA suggested that I go out and fetch coffee for her and tea for me, and Jade nodded quite happily that this was OK. I made sure to take it quite slowly, and Jade was still quite fine and chatting away when I got back. Then it was breaktime, and Jade was quite happy to find her friend and go out to play while I stayed in to talk to the TA. There have been times recently when she hasn't been happy to go out to play without me, so that was good.

The TA and I chatted things over. It is strange how she can let Bill go much more easily than me, and that even the following day she can't hold on to the fact that she was fine yesterday, and let me go just the same. We talked over what we might do after the Easter holidays, whether to change classes seeing as she is very reluctant to go into her own for some reason, and what might be the best plan for increasing the number of people she talks to, specifically the teacher whose class she is likely to go into in September.

After break, Jade's class were making Easter baskets, and she agreed to go into the classroom for that. While coming back into school with her class, her class teacher asked her a question, and she answered, albeit with a single word and closely into the teacher's ear so no-one else could hear!!!! She's done reading to the class teacher before, but never answered a question. Wow! It was like she got all that emotion out of her system during the morning sobbing, and then once free of it she could do all sorts of things! In class the TA sat with Jade and I sat at the back of the room, though quickly got involved with helping loads of the kids. Jade was quite happy for me to be nowhere near her, and enjoyed the activity. After that it was lunchtime and I went home for some food. Jade agreed that I needn't go back into school but just to go straight to the church where there was the end of term Easter service at 1.30pm. Jade was sitting next to a girl called D in the church, and later, when we were at home, she told me she had managed to speak to D, for the first time!

I do hope that somebody at CAMHS next week can give us some insight into all this. I certainly find it confusing!!!

Between then and now

So, since March 8th, things haven't got any better. It's constantly been a case of one step forward, one or two steps back.

A couple of weeks ago, having finished the previous week quite well, talking again to the TA and feeling OK in school, on the Monday morning she unexpectedly refused to get out of bed and get dressed for school. As usual when she is feeling strong emotions she wasn't able to say anything about what was bothering her. Bill was completely unable to persuade her to get dressed either (often he's better at it than me) and in the end, I left him at home with Jade while I took Shannon to school, where I spoke to Jade's TA who offered to come to the house and see her.

Unlike previously, the TA was completely unable to get any response from Jade at all, except that she ran away to her bedroom, hid in her wardrobe and covered herself with toys so she was hidden. The TA did her absolute best, reading stories to Jade (in the wardrobe) to try and relax and engage with her, but she couldn't get anywhere. After about an hour and a half she gave up and went back to school. I can't remember now what I said to Jade, but I did manage to persuade her to get dressed and just go into school at lunchtime for a play with her friends, and then a brief visit into the classroom after lunch. This was successfully achieved, and then we went home.

On the Tuesday morning, she was much better about going to school, and had a fairly normal day there except she didn't want me to go home while she was in maths, but to sit outside the door instead. Then I just went home at lunchtime to grab a sandwich.

On the Wednesday, it being Bill's day to go to school with her, she again refused to get up and dressed. Lots more talking, encouraging and cajoling took place, before she eventually agreed to go in as long as I went in with them and stayed for the first 15 minutes or so.

On the Thursday and Friday, things went relatively smoothly.

The strange thing about this week was that we had no idea what had caused it. Previously we've always been aware of some particular incident that had upset her, but not this time. She started to say 'the work is too hard' which is difficult to believe as she is fairly bright and actually does pretty well most of the time. We wondered if she just meant she didn't like having to think and use her brain?! She said she felt uncomfortable in the classroom and didn't want to be in there most of the time, so we resorted to her spending her time doing work with the TA in the TA's office instead of in class. She let me go out to the staffroom a fair amount of the time.

Last Monday (22nd March) I took her into the TA's office as usual, they played a game to help Jade relax and settle in, and then started work. There was a literacy (reading comprehension) test, which the TA explained and then Jade sat and did quietly. As I was sitting behind Jade, I could see that she got everything correct as far as I could tell. As she had 10-15 minutes time still allowed when she had finished, the TA suggested that she should check her work. Jade idly flipped through the pages not being very thorough. The TA noticed, and told her she really should read through the questions and her answers thoroughly to make sure she was really happy that she had done everything she could. Jade was clearly very cross about this, frowning and glaring, but reluctantly did as she was told. Afterwards, she refused to talk, refused to go out into the playground for some fresh air, or to play, and then after break refused to go into the hall for the rehearsal of the Year 3/4 musical that is being staged. Prior to this she had been in the rehearsals, and I had just done a deal with her that morning that if she would mouth (not sing) the words to one verse of one song, I would get her a treat after school. She had agreed and said she would be able to manage that. She was also keen to do some of the percussion which I felt would be a fabulous step forward in actually making sounds in a public performance rather than just sitting there silently. Unfortunately, her anger over checking her test paper just made her refuse to do anything at all in the musical that day, despite our best efforts. She refused to even go into the hall, so we went back to the TA's office and did maths instead. I couldn't believe that she was actually preferring to do maths than be in a musical rehearsal! I eventually did manage to get her to go outside at breaktime and by stealth I managed to get her to do a bit of running and star jumps (I pretended I was really cold and needed to warm up) and sure enough after a bit of exercise in the fresh air with a friend (who she had said she didn't want to see) she started to cheer up.

During this time she would not speak to the TA while I was present, but when she was relaxed enough to agree that I could go to the staffroom, apparently she would start speaking and interacting more.

So, at the beginning of Monday 22nd March I had a child who was agreeing to mouth the words to a song, play percussion, take part in the performance, talk to and relax with the TA, let me go home at 10.55am and not return till 1.10pm. 10 days later I have a child who will not have anything to do with the musical performance, refuses to talk to the TA or even let me leave the office any more, wants me to stay after break while she is in her maths lesson, and, on Monday, who absolutely froze up completely and refused/was unable to bring herself to do anything at all while in the TA's office.

Things are just going further and further backwards.

More anxiety, and CBT

We've had 2 weeks back at school after half-term, and I want to keep track of what has been going on.

SHORT VERSION: For those who don't want to read every detail, in the two weeks since half-term I have been in school every day, mostly from 8.45 - 11am and 1-3pm. She stopped speaking to her TA, to my Dad and to my Mum during this time.

LONG VERSION: For my future reference and for the assistance/warning of any other people with socially anxious children!

Jade was reluctant to go back to school on the Monday morning (no surprise there) but I felt it was a small enough reluctance (not out-and-out terror!) that would succumb to a bit of bribery, so I promised to buy her a little something for her bravery after she had gone in, and also reminded her that she would be with her TA, and that I would make sure she was happy before I left. Sure enough, that helped and she agreed to go. She hung on to me at school to start with, and we spent some time in the TA's office playing games and getting her comfortable and relaxed again before I went home. Once again she refused to go into her own class due to the fear of her teacher saying something that would upset her (resulting from her teacher very kindly asking her if she wanted to borrow £1 for the bring-and-buy sale on that fateful Friday, not realising that's what had been scaring her in the morning, and inadvertently bringing the whole situation up again in Jade's head and resulting in her running away from school at lunchtime.) She stayed with the TA for the first 2 hours of the morning, was OK in her maths lesson on her own after break (different teacher), and was with the TA in the afternoon in another class lesson.

On the Tuesday we decided it was time to tackle this fear of being in her own teacher's class. We told Jade that both I and the TA would go into the class with her, the TA would sit with her, and I would sit at the back. She felt able to do this, so in we went. The first 1.5 hours of the day (after assembly) are always literacy, which she is good at, so she has a level of confidence in her ability to do the work, which also helped. The task of the lesson was to choose a traditional story/fairy tale and re-write it as a play. Working with her TA, she chose Rapunzel. We have the book at home and it has been around a lot lately because it is one of Shannon's favourites. The TA couldn't remember how the story started, so came over to me to ask, and I reminded her. After all, it had been about 15 years since the TA had read the story! In our version of the story, the mother, pregnant with Rapunzel, craves a vegetable she sees growing in the witch's garden. The father goes and steals it for her, but gets caught by the witch, who says she will take the baby once it is born in return for the vegetable. Because the stolen vegetable was called a 'rapunzel' that is what the baby is called when it is born. Then the witch takes her, puts her in a tower and so on.

So, the TA, prompting Jade to start writing her play, asked Jade what the vegetable was called. "Rapunzel", said Jade. "No, what is the vegetable called?" says the TA. "Rapunzel", says Jade. "No, not the name of the girl, what is the name of the vegetable?" says the TA, and Jade's face started to turn red and teary. I hadn't heard what was being said, but just noticed that she was looking upset. The TA signalled to me that it would all be ok, but actually Jade's tears got worse and after a few minutes the TA decided to take her out to her room, so I went too. After it had been explained to me, I was able to tell the TA that it had been a misunderstanding and Jade was right, and she was very apologetic. She apologised to Jade for getting it wrong. Jade was very upset, but recovered after a while. However she couldn't cope with the idea of me going home at breaktime, so I stayed, and stayed, and stayed.... and we only managed to persuade her to let me go home at lunchtime to get some food, as long as I went back for the afternoon, which I did.

On the Wednesday morning it was Bill's turn to go in to school with Jade as I work all day. We had a phone call from the TA in the morning before we left that the TA wouldn't be in school as her father was very ill. So Bill went in to school with Jade, stayed in the classrooms with her all day and just came home to get himself some lunch. The same happened again with me on the Thursday, except that I asked Jade if it would be OK if I went home at breaktime (after which she has maths which I have never attended with her) as long as I came back at the end of lunchtime ready for the afternoon. On the Thursday after school, my Dad came over as he often does, to see me and the girls. For the first time ever, Jade did not say one single word either to him or in his presence. She has very occasionally needed a little warm-up time before talking to him, but has always thereafter seemed completely at ease with him. On the Friday we did the same, except that I spent less time in the classroom and went out into the staffroom for an hour or so both before and after breaktime. The TA wasn't in for any of these days due to her father's illness.

On Monday we did the same again, and I was in the staffroom when the TA came in, having come in to school to discuss how/when she was going to work that week. Her father is terminally ill but had become relatively stable again. She told me that she would be in during the mornings for the rest of the week, but not be doing her usual afternoon teaching. We arranged that on the Tuesday morning, I would bring Jade to the TA's office at some point during the morning for a bit of game-playing, ice-breaking and getting back into the swing of things. This is what I did, but Jade would neither speak to the TA at all, nor even let her join in our game of Tiddlywinks. On Wednesday it was again Bill's turn to be in school with Jade. Strangely even though she feels less 'safe' with her Dad (though I don't know why - he's often more patient with her than I am, and certainly just as kind and understanding), this meant that she wanted him with her more, i.e. she didn't want him to leave the classroom to be in the staffroom at all, and she insisted on him going into maths with her, which I don't. Thursday and Friday followed the usual pattern, except that my Mum had come up to visit (she sleeps elsewhere as there's no room for her to sleep at our house). Jade did speak a little in front of her (but not to her) on the Thursday but not at all on the Friday.

SO.... during all this time I've been spending in the school staffroom, I have been studying books like this and this. Teach-yourself-CBT-so-you-can-teach-it-to-your-child. I consider it ridiculous that I have to do this instead of having a properly funded Child & Adolescent Mental Health Service with the resources to do so instead, but needs must. Nobody else is going to give her the help she needs, so we'll just have to do it ourselves.

Good and bad

I am in a foul mood. I have to find a way to get more energy, because I am wasting too much of my life feeling too tired to do anything. I need to start running again. In the meantime it's been half-term and pretty much nothing of any substance has gone on. I am so grumpy with the children when I am tired because I just feel like I haven't got the energy to interact with them.

Bad - Jade hasn't even wanted to go and see Lily, the pony, despite having a free week to do so. Lily is a bit too much for her, really, so she only wants to do walking and that gets fairly boring for all of us.

Good - Shannon is learning to trot on Lily and really enjoying it!

Bad - I really really want Jade to get on well with her riding - maybe I am identifying with her too much but I had that pony-madness when I was young, and I was soooo happy to be able to get Lily for her but she is so nervous and anxious that she can't make any progress.

Bad - L from next door got riding lessons for Christmas, has had about 4 lessons, and is already doing stuff that Jade has never dared do. I hate that. I need to get over it, it's Jade's life not mine, but there we go.

Good - Shannon can almost ride her bike without stabilisers. On Tuesday we were outside for about 45 minutes, me holding her up, and she was telling me not to let go, and for a while it looked like she wasn't going to make any progress. I was trying to let go but she seemed to be wobbling too much and I was having to really hold her up. Then we had one time when she seemed to be doing well and I did let go, and she continued for about 20 yards on her own, and I was yelling at her "you're doing it, you're doing it on your own!!!" and she was so thrilled! She had several more goes after that, with varying success, but she definitely managed 50 yards a couple of times.

Good - Bill came to church with us on Sunday for the first time in about 3 years (apart from Christmas). He hasn't said much about it, but I'm just so glad he's willing to give it a try again.

Bad - we tried to put the rabbits together again after completely scrubbing out the playhouse/run to get Butterfly's scent off it so she wouldn't realise it was her own territory (as she thinks of it) and thought we had been successful when they were quite happy together for the first hour or so, but a while later I realised there were great clumps of fur in the run and they were fighting again. Blackie is currently living in the chicken coop, and we want to get her out of there so we can get chickens again.

Good - we have enjoyed quite a few games of Junior Monopoly and Junior Scrabble this week.

Bad - we went to get the girls' feet measured yesterday, found that Jade had grown half a size so needed new school shoes, and bought some. Since getting home we've both decided we don't like them, so will have to take them back. Luckily they have a policy of refunding within 10 days if unworn.

Good - Gary from Junior Church came today and Jade played a game of Battleships with him, while Shannon and I went into the other room and played on the computer. A little more progress with the SM!

Bad - Jade has said she doesn't want to go back to school on Monday. I've told her that avoiding the thing she fears will only make it worse, and that she has to face her fears.

Bad - we were about to book our summer holiday, in a yurt on the Isle of Wight. When I e-mailed, despite their website showing a week in August being available, it turns out it wasn't so now we can't go to that particular place, and it did look really nice. :-(

That's all I can think of right now.

Setback

I want to blog about the setback Jade has had in the past week. I am sure we will get past it in due course, but it might help me in future, and others, to know that setbacks do happen in the ordinary course of things and can be overcome.

Last Friday morning, we all walked to school together as normal, and Jade was quite happy about it. Since the beginning of February she has been in school full-time without any classroom support, and just a few sessions with her TA for specific therapy purposes to try and continue moving forward.

While Jade lined up with her class ready to go in, I stopped for a few words with her teacher, just in passing conversation. I was about to leave when Jade beckoned me over to where she was standing in line, and said that everybody was supposed to take £1 in to school that day to take part in the bring-and-buy sale in aid of Haiti. She had not mentioned it to me before, so I guess she had forgotten, or maybe she'd already decided she didn't want to take part so hadn't told me. Unusually, I had a couple of loose pound coins in my pocket, so I said "Oh, don't worry, you can have one of these" and gave it to her. She shoved it back at me and said she didn't want it. I slipped it straight into her coat pocket and said "Oh go on, just have it in your pocket and then it's there if you do decide you want to buy something." By this time the class was starting to go into school, and she hung back and started to look all weepy. I didn't realise that the whole bring-and-buy situation was too much for her to cope with because she has on occasion been into a shop to buy something on her own (asking me to stand outside while she did it). She doesn't talk at those times, but manages the transaction silently. She's also been at a festival and a village fete (with friends, admittedly) and bought something with her own money from a stall, so I thought she would be able to do this. She was looking very upset, though, and refused my encouragement to just go in to class, so I gave her a cuddle and persuaded her to come and sit with me in the yard just outside the front door. I gave her lots of cuddles and reassurance, and then attempted to talk to her about something else to take her mind off the upset and get her back to being calm and rational again. It didn't work. We'd been there about 10 minutes when Jade's TA come out of the school, saw us and was greatly relieved. As far as the class teacher was concerned, Jade was in the line about to come into class and I was just about to leave the playground when she last saw us, so she didn't know where Jade had disappeared to. A search had started!

She sat down with us, and I started to tell her what Jade was upset about. This was too much for Jade and she ran off. I didn't think she'd go far, and shouted to her to not go out of sight, but off she went round the corner. The TA said she would go inside and tell the teacher that Jade was found and Ok, and I set off after Jade. She disappeared remarkably quickly, but I found her in the churchyard which is part of our normal route between home and school. I called her to wait for me and she did, and we sat down on a bench. She was upset and didn't want to go back to school, but I told her that they would not know where she was, and whether I had found her, and whether she was safe, so we had to go back at least to tell them that everyone was OK. She agreed to come with me so we walked back to school. The TA met us and we went straight to her office for a chat.

The TA really is very good with Jade. She just 'gets it' with Jade's anxiety. She does not fear to push her a bit harder than I would, but I think that's positive. And she is very warm, affectionate and caring too. She takes no nonsense in school generally (I think all the kids and half the staff are a bit scared of her!) - she is senior TA and the SEN admin co-ordinator and runs the breakfast club and after-school club (phew!) and has a lot of responsibility in the school. She uses humour and silliness to help Jade relax and giggle, and yet can be serious and heartfelt too.

So we spent a bit of time in the office with the TA, and gradually Jade started to relax. The TA said she knew of a horse poster that had been brought in ready for the sale, and she would take Jade off to buy it. All through this, Jade was completely non-verbal, even with me, although she can usually talk to the TA. Even at home, though, when she is feeling strong emotions she can't articulate anything at all and goes all silent. (Hmm, just like her father ....!) However she relaxed enough to agree to go with the TA to look at the horse poster (eventually - to start with she didn't want to let go of me), and I said I would wait outside in the yard, where they could see me from an upstairs window. As they came back downstairs, they both waved to me and I could tell from the movements and body language that Jade knew I was going to go home and she was waving me goodbye. Off home I went.

At lunchtime (about 12.30) I had just decided to have a bit of a nap so that I wouldn't be too tired and grumpy when the girls came home. (I think Shannon had disturbed my sleep quite a bit the night before). I settled down on the sofa, and then after a few minutes heard running feet, the side gate open and the back door. Then Jade ran in, threw herself onto me and tearfully said "I'm not going back there." She had run away from school! She had no bags and no coat. I tried to get her to tell me what had happened, and it was quite hard to get anything out of her, so I simply had no idea whether she'd been in a terrible state all morning or what. I can't now remember exactly what I said, but I think maybe I talked about hard days and things being better as long as she persists and doesn't run away from facing them. I told her I had to ring the school to let them know where she was, and they had no idea she'd gone. It had been lunchtime, and she'd eaten her lunch, but had disappeared fairly shortly afterwards when let out into the playground. There are pedestrian gates that it's easy to get out of, and obviously the playground assistants just hadn't been looking in her direction at the time she took off. I'm glad, really, because I hate to think of the hysteria and panic it would have caused in her if someone had tried to stop her.

Anyway, we cuddled on the sofa together and took the opportunity for her to watch the documentary on selective mutism that had been on earlier in the week that we'd videoed. At the end of it she did say it made her feel better knowing that other children struggled like she did, although she did know that before as she has been to a SMIRA parents' meeting with us and met other children there.

The TA rang me and asked me to try and find out what had made Jade take off, because apparently she'd spent part of the morning with the TA, then gone with her into Jade's usual maths class (different than her normal class teacher), the TA had offered to have lunch with her but she'd said no, she'd be OK having lunch with her friends, and had done so, and had been quite back to normal and happy by then. She did say that the class teacher had spoken to Jade at lunchtime and asked me to find out if that is what had upset her. Sure enough, it was. Her class teacher, not knowing about what had happened between Jade and the TA during the morning, had kindly come to Jade at lunchtime and asked if she had any money for the bring-and-buy sale and offered to lend her £1 if necessary. Jade apparently had just shook her head and not seemed to react in any bad way, but it had obviously really shaken her again and she had got all upset about her inability to do such things and taken off.

The TA came round to our house at 6pm after she'd finished after-school club, and had a chat with Jade and reassured her that she wouldn't be forced to do anything she wasn't ready to do, and that if she needed the TA first thing on Monday morning, she would be ready and prepared to be with Jade during the morning.

Monday morning came, and though Jade was obviously not as happy as normal about school, she didn't refuse to go, and got up and ready as usual. We went and found the TA and told her Jade needed some assistance to get started in school that morning. Off we went to the office again, and after some talk Jade was happy to agree that I would go home and she would stay with her TA rather than go into her classroom. And that's what she did that day. Although happy to be with the TA, she refused to go into her own classroom with her class teacher.

On Tuesday morning, the TA had an unavoidable meeting out of school, so she arranged for me to go in with Jade. I went into class with her as I used to do, and though I sat nearby to start with, I fairly soon moved to the back of the class and stayed out of the way. The agreement had been that I would stay with Jade until 10am and then go home. Jade however was not ready to let me go by 10am, though she seemed OK, but by 10.30 she was happy for me to leave, which I did. I thought the worst was over, and that now that Jade had been able to stay in her own class with her own teacher for 25 minutes on her own (till break, after which it was maths with a different teacher), that she would be OK from now on. The TA came back into school later on and found Jade in her maths lesson, but again Jade didn't want to go with her own class teacher so spent the afternoon with the TA who teaches other classes in the afternoons.

On Wednesday morning, Jade wanted Bill to stay with her in class, despite the TA being with her. In the end, apparently Bill stayed till about 11am and then left. Again Jade spent the afternoon with the TA.

On Thursday I had to work so said I could only stay till 9am. We went straight to the TA's office and played dominoes, and by 9am she was happy for me to leave. Again she refused to go into her own class, and spent most of the day wherever the TA was.

Today, she had swimming, but her TA is the swimming teacher so I thought that would be fine. However she was upset again this morning and did not want me to leave, and in the end I agreed to follow the coach in my car and go to swimming with her. By the time she was half-way through her swimming lesson she agreed that I could go home.

So that is the current situation. With Bill or myself with her, she has been able to be in her own class with her own teacher, but if we're not there she refuses to go in even with the TA by her side all the time. And now it's half-term, so she'll have 9 days for the fears and anxieties to build up in her head again and not be challenged by the reality that nothing bad actually happens.

One of these days...

...I will blog frequently enough to keep some sort of flow going. It's hard to catch up on almost two months' worth of news!

What I really want to do is write a whole huge post, or series of posts, about Jade's selective mutism and how things have developed from the beginning. She went back to school in January just coming home one afternoon per week and being in all the rest of the time, without any specific support in class except 2 sessions with her TA per week. In February she went completely full-time. All has been going well until Friday! I'm hoping this will turn out to be a brief hiccup in her otherwise amazing progress! More of that later, maybe.

Right now we're off to see Lily, the pony, and that's something else I haven't blogged about. In the meantime, enjoy the photo!

Time flies!

Whoa! I'm not too good at keeping up with this blog, and it's a shame because a lot has continued to go on.

Around the middle of November, Jade's TA had to unexpectedly go to hospital for a check-up after an unfortunate encounter with a bicycle while outside. She had been leaving Jade for brief periods prior to this, but only 5-10 minutes at a time. She asked Jade if she felt she would be OK in the classroom while she went off to hospital, and Jade nodded. And she was absolutely fine (and so was the TA after some minor treatment). So that prompted a further progression of the TA leaving her more frequently and for longer, and only 2 weeks later (approx. end November) Jade was in the classroom all morning without her TA or any special support at all! She has been reading in front of her class teacher, but doesn't have any 'free' speech yet with her. Since then she has tried one or two afternoons in school as well, also without support, and has been fine, though she is quite sure she doesn't want to do two in a row. She feels it's too tiring.

We are still stunned at the rapidity of her progress over this term. She still insists on being accompanied to Brownies and her Junior Church group, and of course won't speak to anyone else yet, but she does play with and speak to her friends in the playground. Today she is staying for the Christmas Party in the afternoon. At first she said she didn't want to go because she didn't want to have to join in any games or dancing, but when I promised her I would speak to her teacher and that she didn't have to do anything like that if she didn't want to, she agreed to go.

Shannon has been a shepherd in the nativity play, and performed with great confidence and energy in her class assembly in late November. I can imagine her going on the stage!

We have sadly given Snoopy the bunny back to the rescue centre as we were tired of being bitten and scratched, and have got another Netherland Dwarf doe for Jade instead. Both bunnies have now been spayed and have had a lovely new playhouse home and run just this past week. They are in bunny heaven!

Half-term

This was our first 'proper' half-term, with children having been in school. It was rather lovely to have a rest from the early mornings and getting ready! And to spend some time doing things together.

So, very much in brief, on Monday afternoon we went to Stratford-on-Avon to see 'Fantastic Mr Fox' at the cinema, which was OK but not great. We had hoped to get on a tourist bus afterwards but while looking for change for the car-park before the film Jade had spotted a museum of wizardology and witchcraft so insisted we went in there, seeing as she is still Harry Potter mad, currently being in the middle of the Half-Blood Prince. It was quite an entertaining little place, including the chance to be 'sorted' by the Sorting Hat. Jade was most surprised to be put in Hufflepuff along with me, whereas Shannon was in Gryffindor. Some of it I thought a bit too grisly and scary but fortunately it wasn't really light enough to read the information boards and I steered them past some of the scarier bits. After that, we didn't have time for Shakespeare-ish stuff or tour buses but I have promised to go back and do that sometime.

On Tuesday we had a dental check-up appointment for all 3 of us in Oxford, so we went there for the afternoon. The park-and-ride was full so had trouble parking, but in the end went to the Natural History Museum and Pitt Rivers Museum in Oxford. It was heaving with half-term kids, but that also meant there were lots of activities and actors pretending to be historic explorers which was quite fun. I def. like the Pitt Rivers best though. And the dentist was fine - nothing needed doing for any of us - except that Shannon got upset by being told not to play on the little stool and had a bit of a melt-down and then refused to open her mouth for the dentist to see. Got a bit stressful there but in the end he just quickly counted her teeth and that was it.

On Wednesday I was at work (packing the office up as we are moving elsewhere within town) but Jade and Shannon were taken by Bill to an HE-friend's Halloween Birthday Party. They enjoyed it but DH said they just both remained attached to him the whole time. Apparently Shannon did tell a story, though not a spooky one as it was supposed to be!

On Thursday both girls came to work with me for a couple of hours, followed by a relaxing afternoon at home.

On Friday things got rather stressful trying to do all the shopping and preparation for Shannon's birthday party the following day. Shopping for all the bits and pieces took way longer than I'd thought it would, so I then didn't have enough time to do as much 'stash-and-dash' clearing up as I wanted to. Things got a bit shouty and stressed. I always intend to start preparing much earlier for parties, like at least a week in advance, but in the end I just seem to have way too much to do to be able to do that and it all gets left to the last minute.

Anyway, Shannon had a lovely birthday party on Saturday. She had invited 7 friends, plus Jade and L from next door were here as helpers. We had a few games, food, quite a bit of time spent out in the garden and on the trampoline, and then ice-cream & jelly/singing Happy Birthday towards the end.

Then I went for a nap!

In the early evening Jade and I set off to go and see Monty Roberts. I totally love that man and everything he says, does and stands for. His non-violent, calm yet firm approach to horse-training and remedial work for damaged horses (aka horses with bad behaviour) has so much of a wider application and I always find it teaches me a lot about how to approach things with Jade. Horses are 'flight' animals (as opposed to 'fight') and so, overall, are children, particularly sensitive/anxious ones. The thing I got from it this time is that he believes that a sustained, rapid progression through a training programme in an hour is better than doing short bursts over several days. Keep going while the horse or child is in a heightened state of learning and move on to the next stage as quickly as possible.

We didn't get home till after midnight, and then around 2am Jade woke up suddenly thinking she was going to be sick. She spent a while in the bathroom. Fortunately it turned out not to be the case and I wondered if in fact she was just really hungry as she had said in the fog of sleep as she first woke up.

So she had a long sleep-in while I had to get up with Shannon early, and then off to church early to help with setting up. Our church has moved out of its church building and now meets in the local secondary school as the membership has just grown too large for the old buildings. Fab! But it does mean a lot of work (on a rota) for setting-up/taking-down. Home and lunch was followed by a much-needed nap for me, then some HE friends came over for help with some chemistry. This was somewhat daunting as it was about half-equations for chemical reactions, and it is 12+ years since I did any of that, but between us Bill and I managed to work out what it was all about and help, so that felt good!

Back to school tomorrow for the girls, and a major week of office-moving for me, is what lies ahead.

More progress

On Monday October 5th, the day after my last entry about Jade's progress at school, I was officially sent home while she was at school! For the first part of the time she sent me to a pathway only about a minute's walk from our house, and then about 20 minutes before I was due to pick her up again, I got a call on my mobile saying that Jade said I could go home. Wahoo!! On the following day, she agreed I could go home straight after dropping her off, and that's how it's been ever since. I still can't get over how rapid her progress has been.

Also on that Tuesday, she started to extend her time being at school. She agreed to go and have a look at the maths lesson which occurs after break, just to see what it was like. Fortunately (she is rather maths-averse!) it seemed a fairly easy lesson on measuring, so although she only stayed 5 or 10 minutes that first time, she agreed to stay for longer the next day. She enjoyed the time they spent going round the school measuring things, so from the Thursday onwards she stayed all through the maths lesson and I started to pick her up at 12.10pm. That week she also started to do some reading in other parts of the school rather than just the TA's office. One day they went and sat in a cupboard (!) by the main corridor, and she managed to continue reading while people walked by - which is such a major achievement for her!

The following week her TA started to introduce other children into her talking sessions. She firstly introduced one girl who was nearby while Jade played Snap with the TA, and then progressed to playing directly with the girl - the first child she has spoken to in school! A day or two later (this is just last week) there wasn't anywhere else for them to go apart from the classroom, and Jade managed to play Snap with this girl with a whole load of other kids standing round watching - and listening!!! Oh how I wish I'd been there to see that! I don't know exactly how much talking she did while playing, but when I played that game with her we were encouraging her to say the name of the thing on each card as she put it down, so I think that's probably what she has continued doing.

And then on Thursday when I went to look at sofas (and ended up buying one - oops, didn't quite mean that to happen!) you wouldn't have known there was anything unusual about this girl at all. Despite me having quite a bit of conversation with a salesman, she was talking out loud and completely freely to Shannon and myself, with no lowering of her voice or hesitation at all. She didn't speak directly to the salesman, but when she had moved away and I just mentioned how amazed I was at what she was doing, he said he would never have known she had any sort of a problem!

September round-up

I am so behind on everything but the essentials, but here I am in bed on a Sunday morning with my laptop, so will try to update a bit.

My last entry reported how Jade had just started basic talking with her TA. She was managing one-word answers to questions, and some longer phrases when clearly prompted with two options. She progressed remarkably quickly from then on (for an SM child!), although I now can't remember the exact timings. It was just after I blogged last time that I contacted an SM expert who is conducting a study on using particular computer programs with SM children at home and at school to help them start and then progress with talking with other people around. I was enquiring to see if he might be able to visit us, set us up with the software, give the school staff a much better training on SM than most of them have had (with the exception of Jade's class teacher, who doesn't really seem to have absorbed it very well, sadly). We had a very long, useful and informative phone conversation, which ended with a plan for me to go and talk to the school, get their agreement to go ahead with the software and training, and then come back to him. I did this, but I think it was within the next week that it really seemed we had moved past that point for Jade. Certainly within two weeks from my last entry, she was able to talk fairly freely with the TA as long as no-one else was within earshot. A week after my last post, we started sliding me (and DH, on Wednesdays) out, meaning Jade agrees on us moving further and further away down the corridor, while Jade and the TA are in her office talking and working together. At this stage DH and I had to remember to take a good book with us into school, as sitting in school corridors for an hour at a time gets pretty boring! A week later, we fairly spontaneously tried moving me away during actual classroom time, which is much more challenging for Jade as she is not in such a safe space. The TA had been sitting with her while I sat a couple of chairs away, and then I sat at the back of the classroom. That day, the TA gestured to me if I thought it was worth trying to get me out of the classroom, which I did. She whispered to Jade to see if it was OK with her, and Jade nodded. So I took a chair and sat outside the classroom. About half an hour later Jade and the TA went to the TA's office while I remained where I was. A while later they moved me outside the school main door, and even later on I was put right across the courtyard away from the main door. Fortunately it was a warm sunny day! I was astonished that Jade had moved me so far away in just one morning.

Since then we have continued moving us away from school, all under Jade's control according to where she feels OK to put us. She hasn't got round to sending us home yet (a 5 minute walk from school) but has sent us over half-way there. Because we're now communicating by mobile phone when I need to go back to school, and Jade doesn't actually see where I go, I have actually come home once or twice, but she doesn't know that. I would never never not be where she expected me to be if there was any chance that she would see that I wasn't there, as trust is very important, but I know I'm safe with this.

So the current state of affairs is that Jade is in school from 8.45 till 11.10am. I drop her off with the TA first thing, then go and drop Shannon off at her class, and leave them both while I go away. I may get a call on my mobile to move further away at some point, and I go back to school at 11.10am to collect her. The TA sits with her in the classroom for the first part of class time, while they go over literacy theory and get instructions for assignments, then they go to the TA's office to actually complete the work. Jade can talk to the TA in the same way that any slightly quieter, shyer child would talk to an adult, i.e. she is not completely relaxed, free and chatty but with a certain amount of reserve she can say anything she needs to say, initiate conversations (which is major!!), ask questions and generally get on very well, again as long as no-one else is nearby. They have walked all round the school, talking in different private places with no problems, and Jade can giggle or clear her throat (non-verbal vocalising) in the presence of other teachers or children. We are so thrilled, and astonished at how quickly things have moved in the past few weeks.

We are in the very fortunate position of having a dedicated TA, for the entire morning when that becomes possible for Jade, without having had to go through statementing, or any other administrative hoops. It came about when I involved the Educational Psychologist, who called a meeting at the school and brought in the SEN TA. When the Ed Psych said that Jade needed one-to-one support, it was immediately forthcoming!

Must publish now, my laptop battery is about to die, but will try and follow up soon!

Notes

So much to blog about, so little time. I will do rough notes and try to fill in later.

1. Had an absolutely fabulous time at Greenbelt - I left the kids at home with DH and had tons of time to go and do lots of the things I wanted to. Loved it!

2. Jade back at school, reasonably happily. Now 5 mornings per week, 8.50am - 11.10am. Some time in classroom with SEN teaching assistant by her side and me sitting back twiddling my thumbs. Then a 20-min session at the end in TA's office doing selective mutism stuff.

3. After only a week back, Jade spoke to TA! It was on a Wednesday, so DH was with her, not me. She did some reading, and answered some simple questions about the literacy work they were doing. She repeated it on Thursday. She really struggled to do it again on Friday, and I had an agonising 10 minutes sitting outside the door waiting for her to be able to say something, and eventually she did, phew!

4. Shannon has started school. After an uncharacteristically wobbly first morning (she had been quite unwell in the 5 days previously and was still a bit post-viral, which made her cling to me and not want me to leave) she has been absolutely fine. She has skipped off very happily and is very proud of herself. Yesterday (Saturday) she asked me when she was going to school again, in a tone of voice which meant she was disappointed not to be going that day!

Life

I barely know where to start. My head is a muddle and so is my life. So many things are worrying or unsatisfactory at the moment and I can't begin to make sense of it all.

I am very worried about Jade. When going through (and chucking out) some old papers earlier on I came across a list of characteristics of self-rejection, and all the ones that aren't adult-centred are relevant to her, namely inferiority, insecurity, self-consciousness, shyness, critical, envious, jealous, unable to respond to others, over-sensitivity and touchiness. That describes her so well. She hates her younger sister and never has anything positive to say about her. They do play together but never have any close, caring, sharing moments. She is jealous, envious and critical particularly of Shannon but also of other friends. She will not share ANY of her toys with Shannon, snatches them, and yet thinks she ought to be able to play with anything of Shannon's without restriction. She can't/won't talk about feelings, she pushes everything down, won't let herself cry if she can possibly avoid it, is extremely moody, very often has a really sulky, grumpy scowl on her face. I am so worried about what her life will become if we cannot shift her out of this place within herself somehow. And how the hell did this happen anyway? I absolutely bent over backwards to meet all her baby needs, I was a calm, patient, loving and adoring mother in those days and followed continuum concept/attachment parenting principles because I loved to do so and because she was such a thrill and a joy to have. It was supposed to give her a completely secure base from which to move out and explore the world. And something, whether it's biology or maternal anxiety while she was in the womb or just something we have failed to do when she was much littler, or a combination of them all, has left us with this anxious and frankly often rather unpleasant child.

Both girls just want me all the time. They want me to bring them downstairs in the morning, me to do bedtime stories, and just about everything else inbetween. Daddy won't do - they complain if it's his turn (despite him being much nicer than me a lot of the time). Shannon demands carries or piggy-backs several times a day (not often agreed to, but the demands are wearing nonetheless) and Jade leaps on me at any opportunity trying to ride me like a horse. And this is despite my absolute rage at her continuing to do it and making it extremely clear that it drives me mad.

I was away at a conference at the weekend with work, and had an absolutely lovely time. I had forgotten how energised I am by ideas, and interesting conversation, and feeling like what I do has a purpose and is successful and respected. I was so fed up when I got home. I didn't want to be here at all, didn't want to go back to screaming, whining children and mess and ungratefulness and repeating the same phrases over and over and over again until I yell and shout and say things I regret.

Yet there is no way I can work any more at the moment. Jade is completely unable to function in the outside world without either me or DH with her at all times. She is so, so far away from being able to be in school in a normal way that at the moment I can't imagine it ever happening. I don't know what she's feeling about school at the moment. She missed most of last week because she had a tummy bug, and has missed most of this week because they are doing tests and we've been advised not to bring her in in the mornings (and I can't do afternoons because of Shannon, except on Wednesdays). I kind of don't want to ask her whether she wants to continue going, because in one way (see above) I want her to, so that I can eventually get some of my own space. On the other hand trying to gradually integrate her into school is so stressful and shows up in stark contrast just how different she is from every other child and I frequently want to just chuck it all in and stick to HE. But then I'd have no respite on the horizon at all, and we'd still have to go through some sort of similar process with other groups or social activities anyway.

There is so much of my own that I want to do. I want to study nutrition more, and maybe become a nutritional therapist or something similar. I want to sort out all the bloody mess and clutter in this house and live like decent normal people with a nice house. I want to get on with scrapbooking, reading, thinking, exercising, organising and other things that require concentration and attention. I just can't bring myself to start anything because I know I'm going to be interrupted every 30 seconds and it utterly does my head in and renders me incapable of coherent thought. I'm crap in the evenings because bedtime routine takes from 7pm to 9pm and after that I'm too tired and resentful to start anything. And neither do I plan or organise any interesting HE stuff, nor do my children come up with anything that looks nearly as educational as other children seem to do, nor can I take Jade to groups or anything interactive, so I'm doing a completely crap job of HE too.

And there is no uplifting ending to this post. I just hope someone somewhere will tell me where I can get a personality transplant for Jade.