This time last year Jade had only just started answering the register in class. She could read to her teacher, but apart from that did not speak to adults in the school apart from her TA. She had refused to take part in Sports Day. She would not respond to direct questions from anybody.
Now, on her last day of primary school, these are her achievements over the past few months:
- she has been talking well in class since the beginning of the school year;
- she has talked to a different class TA, as well as the teacher;
- she has taken part in Sports Day and come 2nd in her race;
- she has been doing the Bus Register every morning all year, asking and checking who will be travelling on the school bus that evening;
- she went on the Year 6 residential trip, 2 nights and 3 days away at an outdoor activity centre. She had been adamant she wasn't going to stay overnight right up to the first day there, but towards the end of the afternoon of the 1st day she said she wanted to stay. She loved it!
- she has had a conversation with her riding instructor privately while untacking the pony in the stable at the end of a lesson. She did return to me a bit teary and has been unable to say why, but she semi-agreed it was due to the pressure of the situation, the instructor hadn't said anything difficult or unpleasant (I wouldn't have dreamed that she would have), and Jade had been able to answer the questions;
- she goes round to the shop at our local petrol station to buy sweets, and says she speaks while doing so;
- she went on the bus to her future Secondary School for two induction days, and told me she spoke to a few teachers while there;
- yesterday she spoke to the Headteacher for the first time ever, while explaining the design on her stone for the 'Spiritual Garden' being set up in the school;
- this morning, she spoke in the school assembly, talking about a shield she and her friend had designed for one of the members of staff;
- this afternoon, she spoke in church at the Leavers' Service, in front of the whole school and many parents, along with all the other Year 6 pupils, describing their stone designs for the Spiritual Garden.
She has come so much further than I ever could have dreamed a year ago. The outlook for her future has changed drastically over the past 12 months. I can now foresee a normal future for her, instead of one where she couldn't function properly or get a job or enjoy social occasions with friends. I am more confident than I ever could have dreamed that she will flourish at secondary school. There is still room for things to go wrong, and for her to regress, but every single report I have ever heard about the school is that it is excellent, especially for those who need some extra support, and I've not heard a bad word about it.
She still has her areas of difficulty - at our first appointment with the psychologist for CBT yesterday she squashed herself into the same chair as me, studiously read a book while the psychologist was speaking to her and did her best to avoid any interaction, and was clearly quite uncomfortable. She still cannot speak to many people, for example my Mum, my brothers, and others. She is unlikely to initiate conversation even with people she can respond to. And she is quick to be moody, grumpy and stroppy even out in public, with people commenting on her angry or miserable appearance especially if she feels any attention is on her. But these are difficulties that I am now more confident can be ironed out in due course.
An amazing day, and one that for a very long time I thought I would never see.
Showing posts with label SM. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SM. Show all posts
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Sunday, May 23, 2010
May
When I was HEing, I was quite anti-school. I still am in many ways. I still think that for many (most?) children, HE is definitely a better education and is better socially and emotionally. However, I am finding I am having to eat my words and revise my opinions, particularly in Jade's case, as very surprisingly it turns out that school is very good for her, so far!
There is no way I could have persuaded her (and still couldn't) to take part in music lessons, sports lessons, language lessons or any sort of performance outside of school, and yet at school in the past month, in a safe and secure environment with which she has become familiar and in which she has grown to learn that the people there care for her and understand her, she has taken part in tennis lessons, hurdling, her class assembly including doing a class 'rap' (I saw her slightly moving her lips and she did all the dancing/actions) and of course normal lessons including French. She is telling me 2 or 3 times a week about a new child she has spoken to for the first time (which is getting expensive - I buy her a present for each new person!). And to cap it all, and this may be the biggest surprise of all - she likes maths!!!!!!!!! The girl who used to end up in tears almost *every* time I tried to do maths with her! I was watching a TED video earlier and she joined me half-way through it, and I explained it was a teacher speaking who was trying to make maths teaching more interesting, and she exclaimed "well, how stupid is that - maths *is* interesting and I *like* maths already!" I had to turn and look at her to make sure it was my daughter sitting next to me!
My attendance at school has got less and less over the past 3 weeks. I just kept needing to be somewhere else earlier each day when possible, going and sitting in the staffroom as early as possible and leaving her to discover that all was well, and this despite her TA being off for the past 2 weeks as her father has sadly died. I've also been not going back at the end of lunchtime, and not picking her up till the end of the school day, and she's been just fine. So at the moment, usually, I go in to school with her in the morning, go to the staffroom after 5-10 minutes, and go home around 9.30-9.45, and not collect her till 3.05pm. It really is so lovely to see her happy, relaxed and participating well in school, and as I said, taking part in things I never would have been able to persuade her to outside of school, due to her anxiety about new people and new situations. She still doesn't talk to any other adults apart from her TA, and even with the TA it's intermittent, but now she's well-established in her attendance again and able to let us go home, it'll be time to start working on 'sliding-in' the class teacher that she will have in September, to see if we can possibly get her talking in class in the new school year.
There is no way I could have persuaded her (and still couldn't) to take part in music lessons, sports lessons, language lessons or any sort of performance outside of school, and yet at school in the past month, in a safe and secure environment with which she has become familiar and in which she has grown to learn that the people there care for her and understand her, she has taken part in tennis lessons, hurdling, her class assembly including doing a class 'rap' (I saw her slightly moving her lips and she did all the dancing/actions) and of course normal lessons including French. She is telling me 2 or 3 times a week about a new child she has spoken to for the first time (which is getting expensive - I buy her a present for each new person!). And to cap it all, and this may be the biggest surprise of all - she likes maths!!!!!!!!! The girl who used to end up in tears almost *every* time I tried to do maths with her! I was watching a TED video earlier and she joined me half-way through it, and I explained it was a teacher speaking who was trying to make maths teaching more interesting, and she exclaimed "well, how stupid is that - maths *is* interesting and I *like* maths already!" I had to turn and look at her to make sure it was my daughter sitting next to me!
My attendance at school has got less and less over the past 3 weeks. I just kept needing to be somewhere else earlier each day when possible, going and sitting in the staffroom as early as possible and leaving her to discover that all was well, and this despite her TA being off for the past 2 weeks as her father has sadly died. I've also been not going back at the end of lunchtime, and not picking her up till the end of the school day, and she's been just fine. So at the moment, usually, I go in to school with her in the morning, go to the staffroom after 5-10 minutes, and go home around 9.30-9.45, and not collect her till 3.05pm. It really is so lovely to see her happy, relaxed and participating well in school, and as I said, taking part in things I never would have been able to persuade her to outside of school, due to her anxiety about new people and new situations. She still doesn't talk to any other adults apart from her TA, and even with the TA it's intermittent, but now she's well-established in her attendance again and able to let us go home, it'll be time to start working on 'sliding-in' the class teacher that she will have in September, to see if we can possibly get her talking in class in the new school year.
Sunday, May 02, 2010
April
The Easter holidays were really nice. I love Easter - it's my favourite holiday, and, after some v. bad behaviour by Jade hurting Shannon, and a firm laying-down-of-the-law and re-stating boundaries with whole family present, the next 2 weeks were delightful and they played together such a lot, more nicely than they have done for months!
I was anxious about the return to school, but in fact it's gone fairly well on the whole. She did express reluctance to get up on the first morning, despite being given the chance the day before to discuss any feelings she may have which she had declined to take up, but I insisted that she get out of bed and come downstairs for me to talk to her about it, as I felt that lying in bed would only make the bad feeling continue. I am sure it helped that she got out of bed, and she just needed a cuddle and a reminder that it was only because she'd been away for a couple of weeks and had forgotten that she does often have quite a nice time there and she agreed to get ready.
Writing this 2 weeks later I can't really remember the details of what happened. I know she spent most of the 1st day with the TA in her office rather than in the classroom. She was reluctant to participate at first, but got going after a while and gradually settled in. They usually start with games (snakes & ladders, tiddlywinks or dominoes being current favourites) and lots of joking/silliness to help her settle down. And of course I have to stay there!
Iirc that week was mostly spent in the same way. In the TA's office during the morning, parent present too, in classroom in afternoons when TA is busy teaching. I remember she did have swimming on the first Friday morning back, and took her swimming things but didn't want to join in the lesson despite it being taught by her TA. There was a moment of upset at the end when the TA, having failed to encourage her to join in during the entire lesson, approached her at the end and I think Jade was scared she was going to make her do something she didn't want to do, and pushed her away a little, and then burst into tears! In fact TA was only coming over to say that she only had 2 people in the next session if Jade wanted to stay, or she could choose to get dressed and go back to school with rest of class. She chose to go back to school.
The second week started with a challenge, and then went rather well. On the Monday morning I was meeting with a couple of people who had come to the school to see me to start doing a CAF (Common Assessment Framework - means we get some money to use to buy in any professional/therapist we want). So I had a 9am meeting with them, and 9am on a Monday morning is not Jade's best time! She hadn't settled in, but there simply was no option except for me to leave her and go to this meeting, so in the end despite trying to get her settled in for as long as poss in the end I had to peel her hands off me and TA stood between her and me as I walked away while she wailed :-( That was horrible. I almost cried while walking down the corridor, but a little while into the meeting I saw TA and Jade walking round the playground looking quite relaxed and happy. Got the story later that she had stopped crying almost immediately I left, had taken about 10 minutes to go from staring stiffly out of the window while TA played games on her own with funny running commentary, to gradually being drawn into the game, and then playing, relaxed, chatty, happy. After a few games she agreed to go for the walk round the playground and then go into class, and all went well! When I saw her after breaktime she was happy, bouncy, cheerful. I went home while she went into maths, and had lunch, and then I was back in school for the afternoon session when she does not have her TA.
On the Tuesday I had to be with her all day because the TA was teaching all day. She had been reluctant to be in the classroom before Easter, but there was no choice today and she got on just fine. She says she doesn't like it because the work is too hard, but it isn't. She is quite capable of doing everything but she dreams a lot, misses instructions, and then of course can't ask what she's supposed to be doing! When I am sitting near her I am often nudging her and telling her to pay attention and listen to what's going on.
On the Wednesday as usual it was Bill's day to be at school with Jade while I worked. She's never so dependent on him being close by as she is me, so she sent him home during the morning! I haven't been sent home for months! He went back after lunch as agreed, but was not really needed and was sent home again, as the TA teaches Jade's class on a Wednesday afternoon and Jade was quite happy to be there without Dad. Apparently she participated in this class more than she has done before, putting her hand up to answer questions though not speaking them out loud across the class. She did speak in a low normal voice, though, when the TA came near her.
On Thursday, I went with Jade and the TA to go into assembly. She's been objecting to going to this, not sure why but seemingly because she's uncomfortable sitting on the floor for 15 minutes. So she's allowed to sit on a bench or chair with the TA, who positioned us all so that TA was in the middle between Jade and I. Jade kept looking beseechingly at me, not happy at not being right next to me, and after a couple of minutes dropped to her knees and knelt down on the floor in front of me. The TA let her sit next to me, but really ...! She really does get on very well with the TA, but there is just something about her separation anxiety and inability to let me go... When we went to the classroom, I was supposed to go and sit at the back of the classroom while the TA sat next to Jade, but Jade kept hanging on to my hand, wouldn't let go, and wanted me sitting right next to her again. The TA asked me to go out with her into the staffroom for a quick chat and we said we'd be back in a minute. The TA expressed her frustration about how completely fine, happy and relaxed Jade had been the day before, and manages quite well on Wednesdays and gets rid of her Dad quite quickly, but the following day we take a couple of steps backwards because she is so attached to me and doesn't want me to go even a few steps away. We talked it over, and remembering how it went on Monday, I suggested that I stay in the staffroom and not go back into the classroom with the TA. I was really anxious about how it would go, and paced up and down and felt myself developing a tension headache, but peeked out of the door into the classroom a couple of times and all seemed to be fine. The story later was that when the TA went back in and told Jade that I was having a cuppa in the staffroom, her face changed for a few minutes, feeling upset and bothered, but a bit of a joke and silliness from the TA soon got her smiling and then laughing, and then she was completely utterly fine. Her reward for doing well in class was to leave 20 mins early to go to the TA's office for some games, and then just a minute or two before break-time they came out and came to find me and tell me how things had gone. Jade was completely happy, giggling away with the TA, answering questions in the corridor about the games they had played, relaxed, confident - wow! She asked me to stay just until she had found her friends to play with at breaktime and I told her I would have to leave to go to work. We went outside and found her friends, and I was just helping with a bit of game organisation when the TA came out to me and said she was going to have to go as her Dad was very ill again (he has terminal cancer). After she went, I turned and said confidently to Jade (though half-expecting she might resist now that the TA wasn't going to be there), "right, I'll go to work now, and you can go to maths, and I'll see you at the end of lunchtime" and she nodded quite happily and agreed! She has a different teacher for maths, and she's always been more confident about going to that lesson because she's never had any upsets with that particular teacher. I went to work, got back and was with her for most of the afternoon lessons. She had PE in the hall for about 45 mins, and to start with she was anxiously making sure I was very close at hand, but I gradually wandered off to peruse the children's work on the walls, and then when I saw she was quite relaxed and joining in happily, I gestured to her that I was going to disappear for a cuppa, and she nodded. I stayed away about 15 minutes, went back and they were all lying on the ground with their eyes closed doing the cool-down bit, so I left them to it and went back and waited in the classroom. When she got back, she said "I thought you said you were only going for a drink and then coming back?" but she was not upset or particularly bothered, and when I explained that I had gone back but not gone in she was quite OK with that.
On the Friday morning the TA teaches swimming, this time with other classes, so again I stayed with Jade. It was really nice to see her interacting a lot more with the other children - after they had all changed for PE and were sitting on the carpet waiting for everyone else she was sitting in a little group listening to one boy's stories and chat, smiling and giggling and generally joining in! I wandered off while she had PE again, this time tennis outside, and I went in to the staffroom for a cup of tea, and stayed away for about half an hour till they came back. Then it was breaktime, followed by maths, so I disappeared again and went to work. When I got back at the end of lunchtime, I appeared at the classroom door and the teacher told me that I could go and sit in the staffroom as Jade was quite OK, and I could see that she was and she smiled happily at me. So off I went to the staffroom for the entire afternoon - that's not happened for a long long time!
So a good end to the second week. She seems to be widening the group of kids she plays with and building relationships with more girls.
After school on Friday, Gary from church came over as he has been doing on and off for a few months, and she had a good time with him too, playing games at first non-verbally, but when we played a game of Happy Families she started by only whispering in my ear when she wanted a card, but when she realised she had to ask Gary for something, she just started talking out loud and then being quite confident and relaxed about it!
I was anxious about the return to school, but in fact it's gone fairly well on the whole. She did express reluctance to get up on the first morning, despite being given the chance the day before to discuss any feelings she may have which she had declined to take up, but I insisted that she get out of bed and come downstairs for me to talk to her about it, as I felt that lying in bed would only make the bad feeling continue. I am sure it helped that she got out of bed, and she just needed a cuddle and a reminder that it was only because she'd been away for a couple of weeks and had forgotten that she does often have quite a nice time there and she agreed to get ready.
Writing this 2 weeks later I can't really remember the details of what happened. I know she spent most of the 1st day with the TA in her office rather than in the classroom. She was reluctant to participate at first, but got going after a while and gradually settled in. They usually start with games (snakes & ladders, tiddlywinks or dominoes being current favourites) and lots of joking/silliness to help her settle down. And of course I have to stay there!
Iirc that week was mostly spent in the same way. In the TA's office during the morning, parent present too, in classroom in afternoons when TA is busy teaching. I remember she did have swimming on the first Friday morning back, and took her swimming things but didn't want to join in the lesson despite it being taught by her TA. There was a moment of upset at the end when the TA, having failed to encourage her to join in during the entire lesson, approached her at the end and I think Jade was scared she was going to make her do something she didn't want to do, and pushed her away a little, and then burst into tears! In fact TA was only coming over to say that she only had 2 people in the next session if Jade wanted to stay, or she could choose to get dressed and go back to school with rest of class. She chose to go back to school.
The second week started with a challenge, and then went rather well. On the Monday morning I was meeting with a couple of people who had come to the school to see me to start doing a CAF (Common Assessment Framework - means we get some money to use to buy in any professional/therapist we want). So I had a 9am meeting with them, and 9am on a Monday morning is not Jade's best time! She hadn't settled in, but there simply was no option except for me to leave her and go to this meeting, so in the end despite trying to get her settled in for as long as poss in the end I had to peel her hands off me and TA stood between her and me as I walked away while she wailed :-( That was horrible. I almost cried while walking down the corridor, but a little while into the meeting I saw TA and Jade walking round the playground looking quite relaxed and happy. Got the story later that she had stopped crying almost immediately I left, had taken about 10 minutes to go from staring stiffly out of the window while TA played games on her own with funny running commentary, to gradually being drawn into the game, and then playing, relaxed, chatty, happy. After a few games she agreed to go for the walk round the playground and then go into class, and all went well! When I saw her after breaktime she was happy, bouncy, cheerful. I went home while she went into maths, and had lunch, and then I was back in school for the afternoon session when she does not have her TA.
On the Tuesday I had to be with her all day because the TA was teaching all day. She had been reluctant to be in the classroom before Easter, but there was no choice today and she got on just fine. She says she doesn't like it because the work is too hard, but it isn't. She is quite capable of doing everything but she dreams a lot, misses instructions, and then of course can't ask what she's supposed to be doing! When I am sitting near her I am often nudging her and telling her to pay attention and listen to what's going on.
On the Wednesday as usual it was Bill's day to be at school with Jade while I worked. She's never so dependent on him being close by as she is me, so she sent him home during the morning! I haven't been sent home for months! He went back after lunch as agreed, but was not really needed and was sent home again, as the TA teaches Jade's class on a Wednesday afternoon and Jade was quite happy to be there without Dad. Apparently she participated in this class more than she has done before, putting her hand up to answer questions though not speaking them out loud across the class. She did speak in a low normal voice, though, when the TA came near her.
On Thursday, I went with Jade and the TA to go into assembly. She's been objecting to going to this, not sure why but seemingly because she's uncomfortable sitting on the floor for 15 minutes. So she's allowed to sit on a bench or chair with the TA, who positioned us all so that TA was in the middle between Jade and I. Jade kept looking beseechingly at me, not happy at not being right next to me, and after a couple of minutes dropped to her knees and knelt down on the floor in front of me. The TA let her sit next to me, but really ...! She really does get on very well with the TA, but there is just something about her separation anxiety and inability to let me go... When we went to the classroom, I was supposed to go and sit at the back of the classroom while the TA sat next to Jade, but Jade kept hanging on to my hand, wouldn't let go, and wanted me sitting right next to her again. The TA asked me to go out with her into the staffroom for a quick chat and we said we'd be back in a minute. The TA expressed her frustration about how completely fine, happy and relaxed Jade had been the day before, and manages quite well on Wednesdays and gets rid of her Dad quite quickly, but the following day we take a couple of steps backwards because she is so attached to me and doesn't want me to go even a few steps away. We talked it over, and remembering how it went on Monday, I suggested that I stay in the staffroom and not go back into the classroom with the TA. I was really anxious about how it would go, and paced up and down and felt myself developing a tension headache, but peeked out of the door into the classroom a couple of times and all seemed to be fine. The story later was that when the TA went back in and told Jade that I was having a cuppa in the staffroom, her face changed for a few minutes, feeling upset and bothered, but a bit of a joke and silliness from the TA soon got her smiling and then laughing, and then she was completely utterly fine. Her reward for doing well in class was to leave 20 mins early to go to the TA's office for some games, and then just a minute or two before break-time they came out and came to find me and tell me how things had gone. Jade was completely happy, giggling away with the TA, answering questions in the corridor about the games they had played, relaxed, confident - wow! She asked me to stay just until she had found her friends to play with at breaktime and I told her I would have to leave to go to work. We went outside and found her friends, and I was just helping with a bit of game organisation when the TA came out to me and said she was going to have to go as her Dad was very ill again (he has terminal cancer). After she went, I turned and said confidently to Jade (though half-expecting she might resist now that the TA wasn't going to be there), "right, I'll go to work now, and you can go to maths, and I'll see you at the end of lunchtime" and she nodded quite happily and agreed! She has a different teacher for maths, and she's always been more confident about going to that lesson because she's never had any upsets with that particular teacher. I went to work, got back and was with her for most of the afternoon lessons. She had PE in the hall for about 45 mins, and to start with she was anxiously making sure I was very close at hand, but I gradually wandered off to peruse the children's work on the walls, and then when I saw she was quite relaxed and joining in happily, I gestured to her that I was going to disappear for a cuppa, and she nodded. I stayed away about 15 minutes, went back and they were all lying on the ground with their eyes closed doing the cool-down bit, so I left them to it and went back and waited in the classroom. When she got back, she said "I thought you said you were only going for a drink and then coming back?" but she was not upset or particularly bothered, and when I explained that I had gone back but not gone in she was quite OK with that.
On the Friday morning the TA teaches swimming, this time with other classes, so again I stayed with Jade. It was really nice to see her interacting a lot more with the other children - after they had all changed for PE and were sitting on the carpet waiting for everyone else she was sitting in a little group listening to one boy's stories and chat, smiling and giggling and generally joining in! I wandered off while she had PE again, this time tennis outside, and I went in to the staffroom for a cup of tea, and stayed away for about half an hour till they came back. Then it was breaktime, followed by maths, so I disappeared again and went to work. When I got back at the end of lunchtime, I appeared at the classroom door and the teacher told me that I could go and sit in the staffroom as Jade was quite OK, and I could see that she was and she smiled happily at me. So off I went to the staffroom for the entire afternoon - that's not happened for a long long time!
So a good end to the second week. She seems to be widening the group of kids she plays with and building relationships with more girls.
After school on Friday, Gary from church came over as he has been doing on and off for a few months, and she had a good time with him too, playing games at first non-verbally, but when we played a game of Happy Families she started by only whispering in my ear when she wanted a card, but when she realised she had to ask Gary for something, she just started talking out loud and then being quite confident and relaxed about it!
Monday, March 08, 2010
More anxiety, and CBT
We've had 2 weeks back at school after half-term, and I want to keep track of what has been going on.
SHORT VERSION: For those who don't want to read every detail, in the two weeks since half-term I have been in school every day, mostly from 8.45 - 11am and 1-3pm. She stopped speaking to her TA, to my Dad and to my Mum during this time.
LONG VERSION: For my future reference and for the assistance/warning of any other people with socially anxious children!
Jade was reluctant to go back to school on the Monday morning (no surprise there) but I felt it was a small enough reluctance (not out-and-out terror!) that would succumb to a bit of bribery, so I promised to buy her a little something for her bravery after she had gone in, and also reminded her that she would be with her TA, and that I would make sure she was happy before I left. Sure enough, that helped and she agreed to go. She hung on to me at school to start with, and we spent some time in the TA's office playing games and getting her comfortable and relaxed again before I went home. Once again she refused to go into her own class due to the fear of her teacher saying something that would upset her (resulting from her teacher very kindly asking her if she wanted to borrow £1 for the bring-and-buy sale on that fateful Friday, not realising that's what had been scaring her in the morning, and inadvertently bringing the whole situation up again in Jade's head and resulting in her running away from school at lunchtime.) She stayed with the TA for the first 2 hours of the morning, was OK in her maths lesson on her own after break (different teacher), and was with the TA in the afternoon in another class lesson.
On the Tuesday we decided it was time to tackle this fear of being in her own teacher's class. We told Jade that both I and the TA would go into the class with her, the TA would sit with her, and I would sit at the back. She felt able to do this, so in we went. The first 1.5 hours of the day (after assembly) are always literacy, which she is good at, so she has a level of confidence in her ability to do the work, which also helped. The task of the lesson was to choose a traditional story/fairy tale and re-write it as a play. Working with her TA, she chose Rapunzel. We have the book at home and it has been around a lot lately because it is one of Shannon's favourites. The TA couldn't remember how the story started, so came over to me to ask, and I reminded her. After all, it had been about 15 years since the TA had read the story! In our version of the story, the mother, pregnant with Rapunzel, craves a vegetable she sees growing in the witch's garden. The father goes and steals it for her, but gets caught by the witch, who says she will take the baby once it is born in return for the vegetable. Because the stolen vegetable was called a 'rapunzel' that is what the baby is called when it is born. Then the witch takes her, puts her in a tower and so on.
So, the TA, prompting Jade to start writing her play, asked Jade what the vegetable was called. "Rapunzel", said Jade. "No, what is the vegetable called?" says the TA. "Rapunzel", says Jade. "No, not the name of the girl, what is the name of the vegetable?" says the TA, and Jade's face started to turn red and teary. I hadn't heard what was being said, but just noticed that she was looking upset. The TA signalled to me that it would all be ok, but actually Jade's tears got worse and after a few minutes the TA decided to take her out to her room, so I went too. After it had been explained to me, I was able to tell the TA that it had been a misunderstanding and Jade was right, and she was very apologetic. She apologised to Jade for getting it wrong. Jade was very upset, but recovered after a while. However she couldn't cope with the idea of me going home at breaktime, so I stayed, and stayed, and stayed.... and we only managed to persuade her to let me go home at lunchtime to get some food, as long as I went back for the afternoon, which I did.
On the Wednesday morning it was Bill's turn to go in to school with Jade as I work all day. We had a phone call from the TA in the morning before we left that the TA wouldn't be in school as her father was very ill. So Bill went in to school with Jade, stayed in the classrooms with her all day and just came home to get himself some lunch. The same happened again with me on the Thursday, except that I asked Jade if it would be OK if I went home at breaktime (after which she has maths which I have never attended with her) as long as I came back at the end of lunchtime ready for the afternoon. On the Thursday after school, my Dad came over as he often does, to see me and the girls. For the first time ever, Jade did not say one single word either to him or in his presence. She has very occasionally needed a little warm-up time before talking to him, but has always thereafter seemed completely at ease with him. On the Friday we did the same, except that I spent less time in the classroom and went out into the staffroom for an hour or so both before and after breaktime. The TA wasn't in for any of these days due to her father's illness.
On Monday we did the same again, and I was in the staffroom when the TA came in, having come in to school to discuss how/when she was going to work that week. Her father is terminally ill but had become relatively stable again. She told me that she would be in during the mornings for the rest of the week, but not be doing her usual afternoon teaching. We arranged that on the Tuesday morning, I would bring Jade to the TA's office at some point during the morning for a bit of game-playing, ice-breaking and getting back into the swing of things. This is what I did, but Jade would neither speak to the TA at all, nor even let her join in our game of Tiddlywinks. On Wednesday it was again Bill's turn to be in school with Jade. Strangely even though she feels less 'safe' with her Dad (though I don't know why - he's often more patient with her than I am, and certainly just as kind and understanding), this meant that she wanted him with her more, i.e. she didn't want him to leave the classroom to be in the staffroom at all, and she insisted on him going into maths with her, which I don't. Thursday and Friday followed the usual pattern, except that my Mum had come up to visit (she sleeps elsewhere as there's no room for her to sleep at our house). Jade did speak a little in front of her (but not to her) on the Thursday but not at all on the Friday.
SO.... during all this time I've been spending in the school staffroom, I have been studying books like this and this. Teach-yourself-CBT-so-you-can-teach-it-to-your-child. I consider it ridiculous that I have to do this instead of having a properly funded Child & Adolescent Mental Health Service with the resources to do so instead, but needs must. Nobody else is going to give her the help she needs, so we'll just have to do it ourselves.
SHORT VERSION: For those who don't want to read every detail, in the two weeks since half-term I have been in school every day, mostly from 8.45 - 11am and 1-3pm. She stopped speaking to her TA, to my Dad and to my Mum during this time.
LONG VERSION: For my future reference and for the assistance/warning of any other people with socially anxious children!
Jade was reluctant to go back to school on the Monday morning (no surprise there) but I felt it was a small enough reluctance (not out-and-out terror!) that would succumb to a bit of bribery, so I promised to buy her a little something for her bravery after she had gone in, and also reminded her that she would be with her TA, and that I would make sure she was happy before I left. Sure enough, that helped and she agreed to go. She hung on to me at school to start with, and we spent some time in the TA's office playing games and getting her comfortable and relaxed again before I went home. Once again she refused to go into her own class due to the fear of her teacher saying something that would upset her (resulting from her teacher very kindly asking her if she wanted to borrow £1 for the bring-and-buy sale on that fateful Friday, not realising that's what had been scaring her in the morning, and inadvertently bringing the whole situation up again in Jade's head and resulting in her running away from school at lunchtime.) She stayed with the TA for the first 2 hours of the morning, was OK in her maths lesson on her own after break (different teacher), and was with the TA in the afternoon in another class lesson.
On the Tuesday we decided it was time to tackle this fear of being in her own teacher's class. We told Jade that both I and the TA would go into the class with her, the TA would sit with her, and I would sit at the back. She felt able to do this, so in we went. The first 1.5 hours of the day (after assembly) are always literacy, which she is good at, so she has a level of confidence in her ability to do the work, which also helped. The task of the lesson was to choose a traditional story/fairy tale and re-write it as a play. Working with her TA, she chose Rapunzel. We have the book at home and it has been around a lot lately because it is one of Shannon's favourites. The TA couldn't remember how the story started, so came over to me to ask, and I reminded her. After all, it had been about 15 years since the TA had read the story! In our version of the story, the mother, pregnant with Rapunzel, craves a vegetable she sees growing in the witch's garden. The father goes and steals it for her, but gets caught by the witch, who says she will take the baby once it is born in return for the vegetable. Because the stolen vegetable was called a 'rapunzel' that is what the baby is called when it is born. Then the witch takes her, puts her in a tower and so on.
So, the TA, prompting Jade to start writing her play, asked Jade what the vegetable was called. "Rapunzel", said Jade. "No, what is the vegetable called?" says the TA. "Rapunzel", says Jade. "No, not the name of the girl, what is the name of the vegetable?" says the TA, and Jade's face started to turn red and teary. I hadn't heard what was being said, but just noticed that she was looking upset. The TA signalled to me that it would all be ok, but actually Jade's tears got worse and after a few minutes the TA decided to take her out to her room, so I went too. After it had been explained to me, I was able to tell the TA that it had been a misunderstanding and Jade was right, and she was very apologetic. She apologised to Jade for getting it wrong. Jade was very upset, but recovered after a while. However she couldn't cope with the idea of me going home at breaktime, so I stayed, and stayed, and stayed.... and we only managed to persuade her to let me go home at lunchtime to get some food, as long as I went back for the afternoon, which I did.
On the Wednesday morning it was Bill's turn to go in to school with Jade as I work all day. We had a phone call from the TA in the morning before we left that the TA wouldn't be in school as her father was very ill. So Bill went in to school with Jade, stayed in the classrooms with her all day and just came home to get himself some lunch. The same happened again with me on the Thursday, except that I asked Jade if it would be OK if I went home at breaktime (after which she has maths which I have never attended with her) as long as I came back at the end of lunchtime ready for the afternoon. On the Thursday after school, my Dad came over as he often does, to see me and the girls. For the first time ever, Jade did not say one single word either to him or in his presence. She has very occasionally needed a little warm-up time before talking to him, but has always thereafter seemed completely at ease with him. On the Friday we did the same, except that I spent less time in the classroom and went out into the staffroom for an hour or so both before and after breaktime. The TA wasn't in for any of these days due to her father's illness.
On Monday we did the same again, and I was in the staffroom when the TA came in, having come in to school to discuss how/when she was going to work that week. Her father is terminally ill but had become relatively stable again. She told me that she would be in during the mornings for the rest of the week, but not be doing her usual afternoon teaching. We arranged that on the Tuesday morning, I would bring Jade to the TA's office at some point during the morning for a bit of game-playing, ice-breaking and getting back into the swing of things. This is what I did, but Jade would neither speak to the TA at all, nor even let her join in our game of Tiddlywinks. On Wednesday it was again Bill's turn to be in school with Jade. Strangely even though she feels less 'safe' with her Dad (though I don't know why - he's often more patient with her than I am, and certainly just as kind and understanding), this meant that she wanted him with her more, i.e. she didn't want him to leave the classroom to be in the staffroom at all, and she insisted on him going into maths with her, which I don't. Thursday and Friday followed the usual pattern, except that my Mum had come up to visit (she sleeps elsewhere as there's no room for her to sleep at our house). Jade did speak a little in front of her (but not to her) on the Thursday but not at all on the Friday.
SO.... during all this time I've been spending in the school staffroom, I have been studying books like this and this. Teach-yourself-CBT-so-you-can-teach-it-to-your-child. I consider it ridiculous that I have to do this instead of having a properly funded Child & Adolescent Mental Health Service with the resources to do so instead, but needs must. Nobody else is going to give her the help she needs, so we'll just have to do it ourselves.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Setback
I want to blog about the setback Jade has had in the past week. I am sure we will get past it in due course, but it might help me in future, and others, to know that setbacks do happen in the ordinary course of things and can be overcome.
Last Friday morning, we all walked to school together as normal, and Jade was quite happy about it. Since the beginning of February she has been in school full-time without any classroom support, and just a few sessions with her TA for specific therapy purposes to try and continue moving forward.
While Jade lined up with her class ready to go in, I stopped for a few words with her teacher, just in passing conversation. I was about to leave when Jade beckoned me over to where she was standing in line, and said that everybody was supposed to take £1 in to school that day to take part in the bring-and-buy sale in aid of Haiti. She had not mentioned it to me before, so I guess she had forgotten, or maybe she'd already decided she didn't want to take part so hadn't told me. Unusually, I had a couple of loose pound coins in my pocket, so I said "Oh, don't worry, you can have one of these" and gave it to her. She shoved it back at me and said she didn't want it. I slipped it straight into her coat pocket and said "Oh go on, just have it in your pocket and then it's there if you do decide you want to buy something." By this time the class was starting to go into school, and she hung back and started to look all weepy. I didn't realise that the whole bring-and-buy situation was too much for her to cope with because she has on occasion been into a shop to buy something on her own (asking me to stand outside while she did it). She doesn't talk at those times, but manages the transaction silently. She's also been at a festival and a village fete (with friends, admittedly) and bought something with her own money from a stall, so I thought she would be able to do this. She was looking very upset, though, and refused my encouragement to just go in to class, so I gave her a cuddle and persuaded her to come and sit with me in the yard just outside the front door. I gave her lots of cuddles and reassurance, and then attempted to talk to her about something else to take her mind off the upset and get her back to being calm and rational again. It didn't work. We'd been there about 10 minutes when Jade's TA come out of the school, saw us and was greatly relieved. As far as the class teacher was concerned, Jade was in the line about to come into class and I was just about to leave the playground when she last saw us, so she didn't know where Jade had disappeared to. A search had started!
She sat down with us, and I started to tell her what Jade was upset about. This was too much for Jade and she ran off. I didn't think she'd go far, and shouted to her to not go out of sight, but off she went round the corner. The TA said she would go inside and tell the teacher that Jade was found and Ok, and I set off after Jade. She disappeared remarkably quickly, but I found her in the churchyard which is part of our normal route between home and school. I called her to wait for me and she did, and we sat down on a bench. She was upset and didn't want to go back to school, but I told her that they would not know where she was, and whether I had found her, and whether she was safe, so we had to go back at least to tell them that everyone was OK. She agreed to come with me so we walked back to school. The TA met us and we went straight to her office for a chat.
The TA really is very good with Jade. She just 'gets it' with Jade's anxiety. She does not fear to push her a bit harder than I would, but I think that's positive. And she is very warm, affectionate and caring too. She takes no nonsense in school generally (I think all the kids and half the staff are a bit scared of her!) - she is senior TA and the SEN admin co-ordinator and runs the breakfast club and after-school club (phew!) and has a lot of responsibility in the school. She uses humour and silliness to help Jade relax and giggle, and yet can be serious and heartfelt too.
So we spent a bit of time in the office with the TA, and gradually Jade started to relax. The TA said she knew of a horse poster that had been brought in ready for the sale, and she would take Jade off to buy it. All through this, Jade was completely non-verbal, even with me, although she can usually talk to the TA. Even at home, though, when she is feeling strong emotions she can't articulate anything at all and goes all silent. (Hmm, just like her father ....!) However she relaxed enough to agree to go with the TA to look at the horse poster (eventually - to start with she didn't want to let go of me), and I said I would wait outside in the yard, where they could see me from an upstairs window. As they came back downstairs, they both waved to me and I could tell from the movements and body language that Jade knew I was going to go home and she was waving me goodbye. Off home I went.
At lunchtime (about 12.30) I had just decided to have a bit of a nap so that I wouldn't be too tired and grumpy when the girls came home. (I think Shannon had disturbed my sleep quite a bit the night before). I settled down on the sofa, and then after a few minutes heard running feet, the side gate open and the back door. Then Jade ran in, threw herself onto me and tearfully said "I'm not going back there." She had run away from school! She had no bags and no coat. I tried to get her to tell me what had happened, and it was quite hard to get anything out of her, so I simply had no idea whether she'd been in a terrible state all morning or what. I can't now remember exactly what I said, but I think maybe I talked about hard days and things being better as long as she persists and doesn't run away from facing them. I told her I had to ring the school to let them know where she was, and they had no idea she'd gone. It had been lunchtime, and she'd eaten her lunch, but had disappeared fairly shortly afterwards when let out into the playground. There are pedestrian gates that it's easy to get out of, and obviously the playground assistants just hadn't been looking in her direction at the time she took off. I'm glad, really, because I hate to think of the hysteria and panic it would have caused in her if someone had tried to stop her.
Anyway, we cuddled on the sofa together and took the opportunity for her to watch the documentary on selective mutism that had been on earlier in the week that we'd videoed. At the end of it she did say it made her feel better knowing that other children struggled like she did, although she did know that before as she has been to a SMIRA parents' meeting with us and met other children there.
The TA rang me and asked me to try and find out what had made Jade take off, because apparently she'd spent part of the morning with the TA, then gone with her into Jade's usual maths class (different than her normal class teacher), the TA had offered to have lunch with her but she'd said no, she'd be OK having lunch with her friends, and had done so, and had been quite back to normal and happy by then. She did say that the class teacher had spoken to Jade at lunchtime and asked me to find out if that is what had upset her. Sure enough, it was. Her class teacher, not knowing about what had happened between Jade and the TA during the morning, had kindly come to Jade at lunchtime and asked if she had any money for the bring-and-buy sale and offered to lend her £1 if necessary. Jade apparently had just shook her head and not seemed to react in any bad way, but it had obviously really shaken her again and she had got all upset about her inability to do such things and taken off.
The TA came round to our house at 6pm after she'd finished after-school club, and had a chat with Jade and reassured her that she wouldn't be forced to do anything she wasn't ready to do, and that if she needed the TA first thing on Monday morning, she would be ready and prepared to be with Jade during the morning.
Monday morning came, and though Jade was obviously not as happy as normal about school, she didn't refuse to go, and got up and ready as usual. We went and found the TA and told her Jade needed some assistance to get started in school that morning. Off we went to the office again, and after some talk Jade was happy to agree that I would go home and she would stay with her TA rather than go into her classroom. And that's what she did that day. Although happy to be with the TA, she refused to go into her own classroom with her class teacher.
On Tuesday morning, the TA had an unavoidable meeting out of school, so she arranged for me to go in with Jade. I went into class with her as I used to do, and though I sat nearby to start with, I fairly soon moved to the back of the class and stayed out of the way. The agreement had been that I would stay with Jade until 10am and then go home. Jade however was not ready to let me go by 10am, though she seemed OK, but by 10.30 she was happy for me to leave, which I did. I thought the worst was over, and that now that Jade had been able to stay in her own class with her own teacher for 25 minutes on her own (till break, after which it was maths with a different teacher), that she would be OK from now on. The TA came back into school later on and found Jade in her maths lesson, but again Jade didn't want to go with her own class teacher so spent the afternoon with the TA who teaches other classes in the afternoons.
On Wednesday morning, Jade wanted Bill to stay with her in class, despite the TA being with her. In the end, apparently Bill stayed till about 11am and then left. Again Jade spent the afternoon with the TA.
On Thursday I had to work so said I could only stay till 9am. We went straight to the TA's office and played dominoes, and by 9am she was happy for me to leave. Again she refused to go into her own class, and spent most of the day wherever the TA was.
Today, she had swimming, but her TA is the swimming teacher so I thought that would be fine. However she was upset again this morning and did not want me to leave, and in the end I agreed to follow the coach in my car and go to swimming with her. By the time she was half-way through her swimming lesson she agreed that I could go home.
So that is the current situation. With Bill or myself with her, she has been able to be in her own class with her own teacher, but if we're not there she refuses to go in even with the TA by her side all the time. And now it's half-term, so she'll have 9 days for the fears and anxieties to build up in her head again and not be challenged by the reality that nothing bad actually happens.
Last Friday morning, we all walked to school together as normal, and Jade was quite happy about it. Since the beginning of February she has been in school full-time without any classroom support, and just a few sessions with her TA for specific therapy purposes to try and continue moving forward.
While Jade lined up with her class ready to go in, I stopped for a few words with her teacher, just in passing conversation. I was about to leave when Jade beckoned me over to where she was standing in line, and said that everybody was supposed to take £1 in to school that day to take part in the bring-and-buy sale in aid of Haiti. She had not mentioned it to me before, so I guess she had forgotten, or maybe she'd already decided she didn't want to take part so hadn't told me. Unusually, I had a couple of loose pound coins in my pocket, so I said "Oh, don't worry, you can have one of these" and gave it to her. She shoved it back at me and said she didn't want it. I slipped it straight into her coat pocket and said "Oh go on, just have it in your pocket and then it's there if you do decide you want to buy something." By this time the class was starting to go into school, and she hung back and started to look all weepy. I didn't realise that the whole bring-and-buy situation was too much for her to cope with because she has on occasion been into a shop to buy something on her own (asking me to stand outside while she did it). She doesn't talk at those times, but manages the transaction silently. She's also been at a festival and a village fete (with friends, admittedly) and bought something with her own money from a stall, so I thought she would be able to do this. She was looking very upset, though, and refused my encouragement to just go in to class, so I gave her a cuddle and persuaded her to come and sit with me in the yard just outside the front door. I gave her lots of cuddles and reassurance, and then attempted to talk to her about something else to take her mind off the upset and get her back to being calm and rational again. It didn't work. We'd been there about 10 minutes when Jade's TA come out of the school, saw us and was greatly relieved. As far as the class teacher was concerned, Jade was in the line about to come into class and I was just about to leave the playground when she last saw us, so she didn't know where Jade had disappeared to. A search had started!
She sat down with us, and I started to tell her what Jade was upset about. This was too much for Jade and she ran off. I didn't think she'd go far, and shouted to her to not go out of sight, but off she went round the corner. The TA said she would go inside and tell the teacher that Jade was found and Ok, and I set off after Jade. She disappeared remarkably quickly, but I found her in the churchyard which is part of our normal route between home and school. I called her to wait for me and she did, and we sat down on a bench. She was upset and didn't want to go back to school, but I told her that they would not know where she was, and whether I had found her, and whether she was safe, so we had to go back at least to tell them that everyone was OK. She agreed to come with me so we walked back to school. The TA met us and we went straight to her office for a chat.
The TA really is very good with Jade. She just 'gets it' with Jade's anxiety. She does not fear to push her a bit harder than I would, but I think that's positive. And she is very warm, affectionate and caring too. She takes no nonsense in school generally (I think all the kids and half the staff are a bit scared of her!) - she is senior TA and the SEN admin co-ordinator and runs the breakfast club and after-school club (phew!) and has a lot of responsibility in the school. She uses humour and silliness to help Jade relax and giggle, and yet can be serious and heartfelt too.
So we spent a bit of time in the office with the TA, and gradually Jade started to relax. The TA said she knew of a horse poster that had been brought in ready for the sale, and she would take Jade off to buy it. All through this, Jade was completely non-verbal, even with me, although she can usually talk to the TA. Even at home, though, when she is feeling strong emotions she can't articulate anything at all and goes all silent. (Hmm, just like her father ....!) However she relaxed enough to agree to go with the TA to look at the horse poster (eventually - to start with she didn't want to let go of me), and I said I would wait outside in the yard, where they could see me from an upstairs window. As they came back downstairs, they both waved to me and I could tell from the movements and body language that Jade knew I was going to go home and she was waving me goodbye. Off home I went.
At lunchtime (about 12.30) I had just decided to have a bit of a nap so that I wouldn't be too tired and grumpy when the girls came home. (I think Shannon had disturbed my sleep quite a bit the night before). I settled down on the sofa, and then after a few minutes heard running feet, the side gate open and the back door. Then Jade ran in, threw herself onto me and tearfully said "I'm not going back there." She had run away from school! She had no bags and no coat. I tried to get her to tell me what had happened, and it was quite hard to get anything out of her, so I simply had no idea whether she'd been in a terrible state all morning or what. I can't now remember exactly what I said, but I think maybe I talked about hard days and things being better as long as she persists and doesn't run away from facing them. I told her I had to ring the school to let them know where she was, and they had no idea she'd gone. It had been lunchtime, and she'd eaten her lunch, but had disappeared fairly shortly afterwards when let out into the playground. There are pedestrian gates that it's easy to get out of, and obviously the playground assistants just hadn't been looking in her direction at the time she took off. I'm glad, really, because I hate to think of the hysteria and panic it would have caused in her if someone had tried to stop her.
Anyway, we cuddled on the sofa together and took the opportunity for her to watch the documentary on selective mutism that had been on earlier in the week that we'd videoed. At the end of it she did say it made her feel better knowing that other children struggled like she did, although she did know that before as she has been to a SMIRA parents' meeting with us and met other children there.
The TA rang me and asked me to try and find out what had made Jade take off, because apparently she'd spent part of the morning with the TA, then gone with her into Jade's usual maths class (different than her normal class teacher), the TA had offered to have lunch with her but she'd said no, she'd be OK having lunch with her friends, and had done so, and had been quite back to normal and happy by then. She did say that the class teacher had spoken to Jade at lunchtime and asked me to find out if that is what had upset her. Sure enough, it was. Her class teacher, not knowing about what had happened between Jade and the TA during the morning, had kindly come to Jade at lunchtime and asked if she had any money for the bring-and-buy sale and offered to lend her £1 if necessary. Jade apparently had just shook her head and not seemed to react in any bad way, but it had obviously really shaken her again and she had got all upset about her inability to do such things and taken off.
The TA came round to our house at 6pm after she'd finished after-school club, and had a chat with Jade and reassured her that she wouldn't be forced to do anything she wasn't ready to do, and that if she needed the TA first thing on Monday morning, she would be ready and prepared to be with Jade during the morning.
Monday morning came, and though Jade was obviously not as happy as normal about school, she didn't refuse to go, and got up and ready as usual. We went and found the TA and told her Jade needed some assistance to get started in school that morning. Off we went to the office again, and after some talk Jade was happy to agree that I would go home and she would stay with her TA rather than go into her classroom. And that's what she did that day. Although happy to be with the TA, she refused to go into her own classroom with her class teacher.
On Tuesday morning, the TA had an unavoidable meeting out of school, so she arranged for me to go in with Jade. I went into class with her as I used to do, and though I sat nearby to start with, I fairly soon moved to the back of the class and stayed out of the way. The agreement had been that I would stay with Jade until 10am and then go home. Jade however was not ready to let me go by 10am, though she seemed OK, but by 10.30 she was happy for me to leave, which I did. I thought the worst was over, and that now that Jade had been able to stay in her own class with her own teacher for 25 minutes on her own (till break, after which it was maths with a different teacher), that she would be OK from now on. The TA came back into school later on and found Jade in her maths lesson, but again Jade didn't want to go with her own class teacher so spent the afternoon with the TA who teaches other classes in the afternoons.
On Wednesday morning, Jade wanted Bill to stay with her in class, despite the TA being with her. In the end, apparently Bill stayed till about 11am and then left. Again Jade spent the afternoon with the TA.
On Thursday I had to work so said I could only stay till 9am. We went straight to the TA's office and played dominoes, and by 9am she was happy for me to leave. Again she refused to go into her own class, and spent most of the day wherever the TA was.
Today, she had swimming, but her TA is the swimming teacher so I thought that would be fine. However she was upset again this morning and did not want me to leave, and in the end I agreed to follow the coach in my car and go to swimming with her. By the time she was half-way through her swimming lesson she agreed that I could go home.
So that is the current situation. With Bill or myself with her, she has been able to be in her own class with her own teacher, but if we're not there she refuses to go in even with the TA by her side all the time. And now it's half-term, so she'll have 9 days for the fears and anxieties to build up in her head again and not be challenged by the reality that nothing bad actually happens.
Sunday, February 07, 2010
One of these days...
...I will blog frequently enough to keep some sort of flow going. It's hard to catch up on almost two months' worth of news!
What I really want to do is write a whole huge post, or series of posts, about Jade's selective mutism and how things have developed from the beginning. She went back to school in January just coming home one afternoon per week and being in all the rest of the time, without any specific support in class except 2 sessions with her TA per week. In February she went completely full-time. All has been going well until Friday! I'm hoping this will turn out to be a brief hiccup in her otherwise amazing progress! More of that later, maybe.
Right now we're off to see Lily, the pony, and that's something else I haven't blogged about. In the meantime, enjoy the photo!
What I really want to do is write a whole huge post, or series of posts, about Jade's selective mutism and how things have developed from the beginning. She went back to school in January just coming home one afternoon per week and being in all the rest of the time, without any specific support in class except 2 sessions with her TA per week. In February she went completely full-time. All has been going well until Friday! I'm hoping this will turn out to be a brief hiccup in her otherwise amazing progress! More of that later, maybe.
Right now we're off to see Lily, the pony, and that's something else I haven't blogged about. In the meantime, enjoy the photo!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Time flies!
Whoa! I'm not too good at keeping up with this blog, and it's a shame because a lot has continued to go on.
Around the middle of November, Jade's TA had to unexpectedly go to hospital for a check-up after an unfortunate encounter with a bicycle while outside. She had been leaving Jade for brief periods prior to this, but only 5-10 minutes at a time. She asked Jade if she felt she would be OK in the classroom while she went off to hospital, and Jade nodded. And she was absolutely fine (and so was the TA after some minor treatment). So that prompted a further progression of the TA leaving her more frequently and for longer, and only 2 weeks later (approx. end November) Jade was in the classroom all morning without her TA or any special support at all! She has been reading in front of her class teacher, but doesn't have any 'free' speech yet with her. Since then she has tried one or two afternoons in school as well, also without support, and has been fine, though she is quite sure she doesn't want to do two in a row. She feels it's too tiring.
We are still stunned at the rapidity of her progress over this term. She still insists on being accompanied to Brownies and her Junior Church group, and of course won't speak to anyone else yet, but she does play with and speak to her friends in the playground. Today she is staying for the Christmas Party in the afternoon. At first she said she didn't want to go because she didn't want to have to join in any games or dancing, but when I promised her I would speak to her teacher and that she didn't have to do anything like that if she didn't want to, she agreed to go.
Shannon has been a shepherd in the nativity play, and performed with great confidence and energy in her class assembly in late November. I can imagine her going on the stage!
We have sadly given Snoopy the bunny back to the rescue centre as we were tired of being bitten and scratched, and have got another Netherland Dwarf doe for Jade instead. Both bunnies have now been spayed and have had a lovely new playhouse home and run just this past week. They are in bunny heaven!
Around the middle of November, Jade's TA had to unexpectedly go to hospital for a check-up after an unfortunate encounter with a bicycle while outside. She had been leaving Jade for brief periods prior to this, but only 5-10 minutes at a time. She asked Jade if she felt she would be OK in the classroom while she went off to hospital, and Jade nodded. And she was absolutely fine (and so was the TA after some minor treatment). So that prompted a further progression of the TA leaving her more frequently and for longer, and only 2 weeks later (approx. end November) Jade was in the classroom all morning without her TA or any special support at all! She has been reading in front of her class teacher, but doesn't have any 'free' speech yet with her. Since then she has tried one or two afternoons in school as well, also without support, and has been fine, though she is quite sure she doesn't want to do two in a row. She feels it's too tiring.
We are still stunned at the rapidity of her progress over this term. She still insists on being accompanied to Brownies and her Junior Church group, and of course won't speak to anyone else yet, but she does play with and speak to her friends in the playground. Today she is staying for the Christmas Party in the afternoon. At first she said she didn't want to go because she didn't want to have to join in any games or dancing, but when I promised her I would speak to her teacher and that she didn't have to do anything like that if she didn't want to, she agreed to go.
Shannon has been a shepherd in the nativity play, and performed with great confidence and energy in her class assembly in late November. I can imagine her going on the stage!
We have sadly given Snoopy the bunny back to the rescue centre as we were tired of being bitten and scratched, and have got another Netherland Dwarf doe for Jade instead. Both bunnies have now been spayed and have had a lovely new playhouse home and run just this past week. They are in bunny heaven!
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Half-term
This was our first 'proper' half-term, with children having been in school. It was rather lovely to have a rest from the early mornings and getting ready! And to spend some time doing things together.
So, very much in brief, on Monday afternoon we went to Stratford-on-Avon to see 'Fantastic Mr Fox' at the cinema, which was OK but not great. We had hoped to get on a tourist bus afterwards but while looking for change for the car-park before the film Jade had spotted a museum of wizardology and witchcraft so insisted we went in there, seeing as she is still Harry Potter mad, currently being in the middle of the Half-Blood Prince. It was quite an entertaining little place, including the chance to be 'sorted' by the Sorting Hat. Jade was most surprised to be put in Hufflepuff along with me, whereas Shannon was in Gryffindor. Some of it I thought a bit too grisly and scary but fortunately it wasn't really light enough to read the information boards and I steered them past some of the scarier bits. After that, we didn't have time for Shakespeare-ish stuff or tour buses but I have promised to go back and do that sometime.
On Tuesday we had a dental check-up appointment for all 3 of us in Oxford, so we went there for the afternoon. The park-and-ride was full so had trouble parking, but in the end went to the Natural History Museum and Pitt Rivers Museum in Oxford. It was heaving with half-term kids, but that also meant there were lots of activities and actors pretending to be historic explorers which was quite fun. I def. like the Pitt Rivers best though. And the dentist was fine - nothing needed doing for any of us - except that Shannon got upset by being told not to play on the little stool and had a bit of a melt-down and then refused to open her mouth for the dentist to see. Got a bit stressful there but in the end he just quickly counted her teeth and that was it.
On Wednesday I was at work (packing the office up as we are moving elsewhere within town) but Jade and Shannon were taken by Bill to an HE-friend's Halloween Birthday Party. They enjoyed it but DH said they just both remained attached to him the whole time. Apparently Shannon did tell a story, though not a spooky one as it was supposed to be!
On Thursday both girls came to work with me for a couple of hours, followed by a relaxing afternoon at home.
On Friday things got rather stressful trying to do all the shopping and preparation for Shannon's birthday party the following day. Shopping for all the bits and pieces took way longer than I'd thought it would, so I then didn't have enough time to do as much 'stash-and-dash' clearing up as I wanted to. Things got a bit shouty and stressed. I always intend to start preparing much earlier for parties, like at least a week in advance, but in the end I just seem to have way too much to do to be able to do that and it all gets left to the last minute.
Anyway, Shannon had a lovely birthday party on Saturday. She had invited 7 friends, plus Jade and L from next door were here as helpers. We had a few games, food, quite a bit of time spent out in the garden and on the trampoline, and then ice-cream & jelly/singing Happy Birthday towards the end.
Then I went for a nap!
In the early evening Jade and I set off to go and see Monty Roberts. I totally love that man and everything he says, does and stands for. His non-violent, calm yet firm approach to horse-training and remedial work for damaged horses (aka horses with bad behaviour) has so much of a wider application and I always find it teaches me a lot about how to approach things with Jade. Horses are 'flight' animals (as opposed to 'fight') and so, overall, are children, particularly sensitive/anxious ones. The thing I got from it this time is that he believes that a sustained, rapid progression through a training programme in an hour is better than doing short bursts over several days. Keep going while the horse or child is in a heightened state of learning and move on to the next stage as quickly as possible.
We didn't get home till after midnight, and then around 2am Jade woke up suddenly thinking she was going to be sick. She spent a while in the bathroom. Fortunately it turned out not to be the case and I wondered if in fact she was just really hungry as she had said in the fog of sleep as she first woke up.
So she had a long sleep-in while I had to get up with Shannon early, and then off to church early to help with setting up. Our church has moved out of its church building and now meets in the local secondary school as the membership has just grown too large for the old buildings. Fab! But it does mean a lot of work (on a rota) for setting-up/taking-down. Home and lunch was followed by a much-needed nap for me, then some HE friends came over for help with some chemistry. This was somewhat daunting as it was about half-equations for chemical reactions, and it is 12+ years since I did any of that, but between us Bill and I managed to work out what it was all about and help, so that felt good!
Back to school tomorrow for the girls, and a major week of office-moving for me, is what lies ahead.
So, very much in brief, on Monday afternoon we went to Stratford-on-Avon to see 'Fantastic Mr Fox' at the cinema, which was OK but not great. We had hoped to get on a tourist bus afterwards but while looking for change for the car-park before the film Jade had spotted a museum of wizardology and witchcraft so insisted we went in there, seeing as she is still Harry Potter mad, currently being in the middle of the Half-Blood Prince. It was quite an entertaining little place, including the chance to be 'sorted' by the Sorting Hat. Jade was most surprised to be put in Hufflepuff along with me, whereas Shannon was in Gryffindor. Some of it I thought a bit too grisly and scary but fortunately it wasn't really light enough to read the information boards and I steered them past some of the scarier bits. After that, we didn't have time for Shakespeare-ish stuff or tour buses but I have promised to go back and do that sometime.
On Tuesday we had a dental check-up appointment for all 3 of us in Oxford, so we went there for the afternoon. The park-and-ride was full so had trouble parking, but in the end went to the Natural History Museum and Pitt Rivers Museum in Oxford. It was heaving with half-term kids, but that also meant there were lots of activities and actors pretending to be historic explorers which was quite fun. I def. like the Pitt Rivers best though. And the dentist was fine - nothing needed doing for any of us - except that Shannon got upset by being told not to play on the little stool and had a bit of a melt-down and then refused to open her mouth for the dentist to see. Got a bit stressful there but in the end he just quickly counted her teeth and that was it.
On Wednesday I was at work (packing the office up as we are moving elsewhere within town) but Jade and Shannon were taken by Bill to an HE-friend's Halloween Birthday Party. They enjoyed it but DH said they just both remained attached to him the whole time. Apparently Shannon did tell a story, though not a spooky one as it was supposed to be!
On Thursday both girls came to work with me for a couple of hours, followed by a relaxing afternoon at home.
On Friday things got rather stressful trying to do all the shopping and preparation for Shannon's birthday party the following day. Shopping for all the bits and pieces took way longer than I'd thought it would, so I then didn't have enough time to do as much 'stash-and-dash' clearing up as I wanted to. Things got a bit shouty and stressed. I always intend to start preparing much earlier for parties, like at least a week in advance, but in the end I just seem to have way too much to do to be able to do that and it all gets left to the last minute.
Anyway, Shannon had a lovely birthday party on Saturday. She had invited 7 friends, plus Jade and L from next door were here as helpers. We had a few games, food, quite a bit of time spent out in the garden and on the trampoline, and then ice-cream & jelly/singing Happy Birthday towards the end.
Then I went for a nap!
In the early evening Jade and I set off to go and see Monty Roberts. I totally love that man and everything he says, does and stands for. His non-violent, calm yet firm approach to horse-training and remedial work for damaged horses (aka horses with bad behaviour) has so much of a wider application and I always find it teaches me a lot about how to approach things with Jade. Horses are 'flight' animals (as opposed to 'fight') and so, overall, are children, particularly sensitive/anxious ones. The thing I got from it this time is that he believes that a sustained, rapid progression through a training programme in an hour is better than doing short bursts over several days. Keep going while the horse or child is in a heightened state of learning and move on to the next stage as quickly as possible.
We didn't get home till after midnight, and then around 2am Jade woke up suddenly thinking she was going to be sick. She spent a while in the bathroom. Fortunately it turned out not to be the case and I wondered if in fact she was just really hungry as she had said in the fog of sleep as she first woke up.
So she had a long sleep-in while I had to get up with Shannon early, and then off to church early to help with setting up. Our church has moved out of its church building and now meets in the local secondary school as the membership has just grown too large for the old buildings. Fab! But it does mean a lot of work (on a rota) for setting-up/taking-down. Home and lunch was followed by a much-needed nap for me, then some HE friends came over for help with some chemistry. This was somewhat daunting as it was about half-equations for chemical reactions, and it is 12+ years since I did any of that, but between us Bill and I managed to work out what it was all about and help, so that felt good!
Back to school tomorrow for the girls, and a major week of office-moving for me, is what lies ahead.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
More progress
On Monday October 5th, the day after my last entry about Jade's progress at school, I was officially sent home while she was at school! For the first part of the time she sent me to a pathway only about a minute's walk from our house, and then about 20 minutes before I was due to pick her up again, I got a call on my mobile saying that Jade said I could go home. Wahoo!! On the following day, she agreed I could go home straight after dropping her off, and that's how it's been ever since. I still can't get over how rapid her progress has been.
Also on that Tuesday, she started to extend her time being at school. She agreed to go and have a look at the maths lesson which occurs after break, just to see what it was like. Fortunately (she is rather maths-averse!) it seemed a fairly easy lesson on measuring, so although she only stayed 5 or 10 minutes that first time, she agreed to stay for longer the next day. She enjoyed the time they spent going round the school measuring things, so from the Thursday onwards she stayed all through the maths lesson and I started to pick her up at 12.10pm. That week she also started to do some reading in other parts of the school rather than just the TA's office. One day they went and sat in a cupboard (!) by the main corridor, and she managed to continue reading while people walked by - which is such a major achievement for her!
The following week her TA started to introduce other children into her talking sessions. She firstly introduced one girl who was nearby while Jade played Snap with the TA, and then progressed to playing directly with the girl - the first child she has spoken to in school! A day or two later (this is just last week) there wasn't anywhere else for them to go apart from the classroom, and Jade managed to play Snap with this girl with a whole load of other kids standing round watching - and listening!!! Oh how I wish I'd been there to see that! I don't know exactly how much talking she did while playing, but when I played that game with her we were encouraging her to say the name of the thing on each card as she put it down, so I think that's probably what she has continued doing.
And then on Thursday when I went to look at sofas (and ended up buying one - oops, didn't quite mean that to happen!) you wouldn't have known there was anything unusual about this girl at all. Despite me having quite a bit of conversation with a salesman, she was talking out loud and completely freely to Shannon and myself, with no lowering of her voice or hesitation at all. She didn't speak directly to the salesman, but when she had moved away and I just mentioned how amazed I was at what she was doing, he said he would never have known she had any sort of a problem!
Also on that Tuesday, she started to extend her time being at school. She agreed to go and have a look at the maths lesson which occurs after break, just to see what it was like. Fortunately (she is rather maths-averse!) it seemed a fairly easy lesson on measuring, so although she only stayed 5 or 10 minutes that first time, she agreed to stay for longer the next day. She enjoyed the time they spent going round the school measuring things, so from the Thursday onwards she stayed all through the maths lesson and I started to pick her up at 12.10pm. That week she also started to do some reading in other parts of the school rather than just the TA's office. One day they went and sat in a cupboard (!) by the main corridor, and she managed to continue reading while people walked by - which is such a major achievement for her!
The following week her TA started to introduce other children into her talking sessions. She firstly introduced one girl who was nearby while Jade played Snap with the TA, and then progressed to playing directly with the girl - the first child she has spoken to in school! A day or two later (this is just last week) there wasn't anywhere else for them to go apart from the classroom, and Jade managed to play Snap with this girl with a whole load of other kids standing round watching - and listening!!! Oh how I wish I'd been there to see that! I don't know exactly how much talking she did while playing, but when I played that game with her we were encouraging her to say the name of the thing on each card as she put it down, so I think that's probably what she has continued doing.
And then on Thursday when I went to look at sofas (and ended up buying one - oops, didn't quite mean that to happen!) you wouldn't have known there was anything unusual about this girl at all. Despite me having quite a bit of conversation with a salesman, she was talking out loud and completely freely to Shannon and myself, with no lowering of her voice or hesitation at all. She didn't speak directly to the salesman, but when she had moved away and I just mentioned how amazed I was at what she was doing, he said he would never have known she had any sort of a problem!
Sunday, October 04, 2009
September round-up
I am so behind on everything but the essentials, but here I am in bed on a Sunday morning with my laptop, so will try to update a bit.
My last entry reported how Jade had just started basic talking with her TA. She was managing one-word answers to questions, and some longer phrases when clearly prompted with two options. She progressed remarkably quickly from then on (for an SM child!), although I now can't remember the exact timings. It was just after I blogged last time that I contacted an SM expert who is conducting a study on using particular computer programs with SM children at home and at school to help them start and then progress with talking with other people around. I was enquiring to see if he might be able to visit us, set us up with the software, give the school staff a much better training on SM than most of them have had (with the exception of Jade's class teacher, who doesn't really seem to have absorbed it very well, sadly). We had a very long, useful and informative phone conversation, which ended with a plan for me to go and talk to the school, get their agreement to go ahead with the software and training, and then come back to him. I did this, but I think it was within the next week that it really seemed we had moved past that point for Jade. Certainly within two weeks from my last entry, she was able to talk fairly freely with the TA as long as no-one else was within earshot. A week after my last post, we started sliding me (and DH, on Wednesdays) out, meaning Jade agrees on us moving further and further away down the corridor, while Jade and the TA are in her office talking and working together. At this stage DH and I had to remember to take a good book with us into school, as sitting in school corridors for an hour at a time gets pretty boring! A week later, we fairly spontaneously tried moving me away during actual classroom time, which is much more challenging for Jade as she is not in such a safe space. The TA had been sitting with her while I sat a couple of chairs away, and then I sat at the back of the classroom. That day, the TA gestured to me if I thought it was worth trying to get me out of the classroom, which I did. She whispered to Jade to see if it was OK with her, and Jade nodded. So I took a chair and sat outside the classroom. About half an hour later Jade and the TA went to the TA's office while I remained where I was. A while later they moved me outside the school main door, and even later on I was put right across the courtyard away from the main door. Fortunately it was a warm sunny day! I was astonished that Jade had moved me so far away in just one morning.
Since then we have continued moving us away from school, all under Jade's control according to where she feels OK to put us. She hasn't got round to sending us home yet (a 5 minute walk from school) but has sent us over half-way there. Because we're now communicating by mobile phone when I need to go back to school, and Jade doesn't actually see where I go, I have actually come home once or twice, but she doesn't know that. I would never never not be where she expected me to be if there was any chance that she would see that I wasn't there, as trust is very important, but I know I'm safe with this.
So the current state of affairs is that Jade is in school from 8.45 till 11.10am. I drop her off with the TA first thing, then go and drop Shannon off at her class, and leave them both while I go away. I may get a call on my mobile to move further away at some point, and I go back to school at 11.10am to collect her. The TA sits with her in the classroom for the first part of class time, while they go over literacy theory and get instructions for assignments, then they go to the TA's office to actually complete the work. Jade can talk to the TA in the same way that any slightly quieter, shyer child would talk to an adult, i.e. she is not completely relaxed, free and chatty but with a certain amount of reserve she can say anything she needs to say, initiate conversations (which is major!!), ask questions and generally get on very well, again as long as no-one else is nearby. They have walked all round the school, talking in different private places with no problems, and Jade can giggle or clear her throat (non-verbal vocalising) in the presence of other teachers or children. We are so thrilled, and astonished at how quickly things have moved in the past few weeks.
We are in the very fortunate position of having a dedicated TA, for the entire morning when that becomes possible for Jade, without having had to go through statementing, or any other administrative hoops. It came about when I involved the Educational Psychologist, who called a meeting at the school and brought in the SEN TA. When the Ed Psych said that Jade needed one-to-one support, it was immediately forthcoming!
Must publish now, my laptop battery is about to die, but will try and follow up soon!
My last entry reported how Jade had just started basic talking with her TA. She was managing one-word answers to questions, and some longer phrases when clearly prompted with two options. She progressed remarkably quickly from then on (for an SM child!), although I now can't remember the exact timings. It was just after I blogged last time that I contacted an SM expert who is conducting a study on using particular computer programs with SM children at home and at school to help them start and then progress with talking with other people around. I was enquiring to see if he might be able to visit us, set us up with the software, give the school staff a much better training on SM than most of them have had (with the exception of Jade's class teacher, who doesn't really seem to have absorbed it very well, sadly). We had a very long, useful and informative phone conversation, which ended with a plan for me to go and talk to the school, get their agreement to go ahead with the software and training, and then come back to him. I did this, but I think it was within the next week that it really seemed we had moved past that point for Jade. Certainly within two weeks from my last entry, she was able to talk fairly freely with the TA as long as no-one else was within earshot. A week after my last post, we started sliding me (and DH, on Wednesdays) out, meaning Jade agrees on us moving further and further away down the corridor, while Jade and the TA are in her office talking and working together. At this stage DH and I had to remember to take a good book with us into school, as sitting in school corridors for an hour at a time gets pretty boring! A week later, we fairly spontaneously tried moving me away during actual classroom time, which is much more challenging for Jade as she is not in such a safe space. The TA had been sitting with her while I sat a couple of chairs away, and then I sat at the back of the classroom. That day, the TA gestured to me if I thought it was worth trying to get me out of the classroom, which I did. She whispered to Jade to see if it was OK with her, and Jade nodded. So I took a chair and sat outside the classroom. About half an hour later Jade and the TA went to the TA's office while I remained where I was. A while later they moved me outside the school main door, and even later on I was put right across the courtyard away from the main door. Fortunately it was a warm sunny day! I was astonished that Jade had moved me so far away in just one morning.
Since then we have continued moving us away from school, all under Jade's control according to where she feels OK to put us. She hasn't got round to sending us home yet (a 5 minute walk from school) but has sent us over half-way there. Because we're now communicating by mobile phone when I need to go back to school, and Jade doesn't actually see where I go, I have actually come home once or twice, but she doesn't know that. I would never never not be where she expected me to be if there was any chance that she would see that I wasn't there, as trust is very important, but I know I'm safe with this.
So the current state of affairs is that Jade is in school from 8.45 till 11.10am. I drop her off with the TA first thing, then go and drop Shannon off at her class, and leave them both while I go away. I may get a call on my mobile to move further away at some point, and I go back to school at 11.10am to collect her. The TA sits with her in the classroom for the first part of class time, while they go over literacy theory and get instructions for assignments, then they go to the TA's office to actually complete the work. Jade can talk to the TA in the same way that any slightly quieter, shyer child would talk to an adult, i.e. she is not completely relaxed, free and chatty but with a certain amount of reserve she can say anything she needs to say, initiate conversations (which is major!!), ask questions and generally get on very well, again as long as no-one else is nearby. They have walked all round the school, talking in different private places with no problems, and Jade can giggle or clear her throat (non-verbal vocalising) in the presence of other teachers or children. We are so thrilled, and astonished at how quickly things have moved in the past few weeks.
We are in the very fortunate position of having a dedicated TA, for the entire morning when that becomes possible for Jade, without having had to go through statementing, or any other administrative hoops. It came about when I involved the Educational Psychologist, who called a meeting at the school and brought in the SEN TA. When the Ed Psych said that Jade needed one-to-one support, it was immediately forthcoming!
Must publish now, my laptop battery is about to die, but will try and follow up soon!
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Important Things
Yesterday, all of us went to Leicester to attend the SMIRA (Selective Mutism Information and Research Association) Parents' meeting, which is held annually. It was the first time we had attended, although we had booked to go last year and couldn't go because I was unwell.
I'm not good at estimating numbers, but there were probably around 50-60 adults and 30 kids, some with SM and some were siblings. The first thing that struck me, to the extent of bringing me to the verge of tears when I first saw all the kids together, was seeing so many of them with "the look", which once you've seen it in your own child is burned on your heart forever. It's a kind of timidity/shyness/anxiety look and it was just astonishing to me to see all these others with it when I have seen it so often on Jade. And really sad, considering that some of these kids were in their mid to late-teens, absolutely beautiful, gorgeous people who should have been so proud of who they were but instead were crippled with the anxiety of being with other people. (And as I type that, I'm reminding me of me, as I also know that objectively I have nothing to be afraid of but am often way too anxious around other people). What was also really interesting, though was finding out later that some of the kids were SM kids but they didn't look like that.
The other thing that struck me before long was I assumed that many of the selectively mute children would not be able to stay in the kids' activities room without their parents, like Jade couldn't, but in fact I think Bill and I were the only parents who had to stay with our child. We took it in turns to be in the sessions or staying with Jade (and Shannon, except she didn't need us there). Most of them, of course, will be used to being at school without their parents.
I think the reason for this became clear later in the day. There was some discussion in the afternoon session about how some children with selective mutism also have social anxiety, and some don't. Many SM kids can perform dancing or music on stage, or be perfectly relaxed in the classroom or elsewhere, as long as there is no pressure on them to speak. Jade, however, seems to have a hefty dose of social anxiety as well as SM, and will not join in games or activities in groups because of the fear of failure and embarrassment, will not join in games at Brownies except 'tag' for fear she might be 'out', will not do anything when other people are watching her. And that was the mistake we made when we first flexi-schooled her in Year 1, when she went 3 afternoons per week for dance, games, PE, music etc. We thought she'd have fun with these activities, but they were precisely the activities that she had trouble with, and of course by the end of the year she was hating it and refused to go any more. It's odd how sometimes things suddenly become clear - we are dealing with two separate but closely-related diagnoses. I knew she had social anxiety, but somehow I was thinking of it as part of the SM, whereas it is not exactly.
The formal morning sessions were dealing with SM in bilingual children, who have a higher incidence of the problem. I missed a lot of this bit because I was in the childrens' area with the girls. The first thing Jade noticed were two horses head masks being played with by some of the children, and then she couldn't concentrate on anything else at all until she'd got hold of one of them. Meanwhile we noticed another girl who had a sweatshirt with a pony on it, and I told her that Jade was made about ponies too. She told me she had a pony of her own, whose name was Moose, and from then on Jade was her devoted shadow! What was amazing was that I got chatting with a woman at lunchtime who recognised my nametag because we had e-mailed each other a bit a year or so ago, because she home-educates her SM daughter, who is pony mad, and this was the girl! I told her that her daughter had spoken to me, and she said yes, she did speak in pony-related activities only, and obviously I had just got her on the right subject! And it turns out that she doesn't have much social anxiety either - she can dance on stage, and go to pony camps on her own, and is happy to go to HE activities and groups.
The afternoon sessions contained more general discussions, which raised some useful points for us to take note of, though mainly reinforcing the principles of 'no pressure' to speak or do a particular thing in most circumstances, and 'baby-step exposure' during planned therapy sessions to try and improve the situation.
The other important thing to report is that we have decided on school. If you go here to read about the preamble it will save me a lot of time repeating myself.
Because Jade became very keen on going to the school here in Moreton, due to knowing several girls from Brownies, in January I went for a second visit on my own and discussed with them what measures they might be able to put in place for Jade if she went there. They were incredibly positive and helpful, being willing to do almost anything that would help her to settle in and be happy there. The Headteacher suggested that, because Jade's best friend who lives next door is on one of the joint Year 3&4 classes, it might be a good idea for Jade to go into that class after Easter (in Year 3) so she has a term while L is still there (in Year 4), to help her settle in. He also suggested that she could start part-time, and that a parent could go and stay with her if needed. After mulling it over for quite a while, the whole scenario sat much easier with me than I would have expected, and so that is what we are going to do. We have not yet defined what 'part-time' means, and we still have to work out the finer details, but Jade will be starting there after Easter and Shannon will start in September. I am much encouraged that she has made really good progress with the speech therapist in the past few weeks and last Tuesday did absolutely brilliantly and actually answered the ST's questions directly, albeit only one-word answers in a somewhat mumbled fashion. I was thrilled! And we have talked an awful lot with her about how all sorts of things are difficult and scary when you first do them, but you take baby steps and keep practising and get better and better at doing them. We've also talked a lot about how some things might seem scary, but when you achieve them you feel absolutely on top of the world afterwards, and so proud of yourself. So we are more hopeful than we have been for a long time that we might actually be able to make a big improvement in her situation, even if she is always a bit prone to anxiety just as I have been all my life.
I will reiterate that I do only see this as a medium-term temporary measure. I see it as specifically to help her get over her social anxiety and selective mutism, and to hell with what happens academically. I will be pleased if she stays for a year, maybe two, feels successful and happy socially, and then decides to be home-educated again. I am certain that I do not want either of them to go to secondary school.
I'm not good at estimating numbers, but there were probably around 50-60 adults and 30 kids, some with SM and some were siblings. The first thing that struck me, to the extent of bringing me to the verge of tears when I first saw all the kids together, was seeing so many of them with "the look", which once you've seen it in your own child is burned on your heart forever. It's a kind of timidity/shyness/anxiety look and it was just astonishing to me to see all these others with it when I have seen it so often on Jade. And really sad, considering that some of these kids were in their mid to late-teens, absolutely beautiful, gorgeous people who should have been so proud of who they were but instead were crippled with the anxiety of being with other people. (And as I type that, I'm reminding me of me, as I also know that objectively I have nothing to be afraid of but am often way too anxious around other people). What was also really interesting, though was finding out later that some of the kids were SM kids but they didn't look like that.
The other thing that struck me before long was I assumed that many of the selectively mute children would not be able to stay in the kids' activities room without their parents, like Jade couldn't, but in fact I think Bill and I were the only parents who had to stay with our child. We took it in turns to be in the sessions or staying with Jade (and Shannon, except she didn't need us there). Most of them, of course, will be used to being at school without their parents.
I think the reason for this became clear later in the day. There was some discussion in the afternoon session about how some children with selective mutism also have social anxiety, and some don't. Many SM kids can perform dancing or music on stage, or be perfectly relaxed in the classroom or elsewhere, as long as there is no pressure on them to speak. Jade, however, seems to have a hefty dose of social anxiety as well as SM, and will not join in games or activities in groups because of the fear of failure and embarrassment, will not join in games at Brownies except 'tag' for fear she might be 'out', will not do anything when other people are watching her. And that was the mistake we made when we first flexi-schooled her in Year 1, when she went 3 afternoons per week for dance, games, PE, music etc. We thought she'd have fun with these activities, but they were precisely the activities that she had trouble with, and of course by the end of the year she was hating it and refused to go any more. It's odd how sometimes things suddenly become clear - we are dealing with two separate but closely-related diagnoses. I knew she had social anxiety, but somehow I was thinking of it as part of the SM, whereas it is not exactly.
The formal morning sessions were dealing with SM in bilingual children, who have a higher incidence of the problem. I missed a lot of this bit because I was in the childrens' area with the girls. The first thing Jade noticed were two horses head masks being played with by some of the children, and then she couldn't concentrate on anything else at all until she'd got hold of one of them. Meanwhile we noticed another girl who had a sweatshirt with a pony on it, and I told her that Jade was made about ponies too. She told me she had a pony of her own, whose name was Moose, and from then on Jade was her devoted shadow! What was amazing was that I got chatting with a woman at lunchtime who recognised my nametag because we had e-mailed each other a bit a year or so ago, because she home-educates her SM daughter, who is pony mad, and this was the girl! I told her that her daughter had spoken to me, and she said yes, she did speak in pony-related activities only, and obviously I had just got her on the right subject! And it turns out that she doesn't have much social anxiety either - she can dance on stage, and go to pony camps on her own, and is happy to go to HE activities and groups.
The afternoon sessions contained more general discussions, which raised some useful points for us to take note of, though mainly reinforcing the principles of 'no pressure' to speak or do a particular thing in most circumstances, and 'baby-step exposure' during planned therapy sessions to try and improve the situation.
The other important thing to report is that we have decided on school. If you go here to read about the preamble it will save me a lot of time repeating myself.
Because Jade became very keen on going to the school here in Moreton, due to knowing several girls from Brownies, in January I went for a second visit on my own and discussed with them what measures they might be able to put in place for Jade if she went there. They were incredibly positive and helpful, being willing to do almost anything that would help her to settle in and be happy there. The Headteacher suggested that, because Jade's best friend who lives next door is on one of the joint Year 3&4 classes, it might be a good idea for Jade to go into that class after Easter (in Year 3) so she has a term while L is still there (in Year 4), to help her settle in. He also suggested that she could start part-time, and that a parent could go and stay with her if needed. After mulling it over for quite a while, the whole scenario sat much easier with me than I would have expected, and so that is what we are going to do. We have not yet defined what 'part-time' means, and we still have to work out the finer details, but Jade will be starting there after Easter and Shannon will start in September. I am much encouraged that she has made really good progress with the speech therapist in the past few weeks and last Tuesday did absolutely brilliantly and actually answered the ST's questions directly, albeit only one-word answers in a somewhat mumbled fashion. I was thrilled! And we have talked an awful lot with her about how all sorts of things are difficult and scary when you first do them, but you take baby steps and keep practising and get better and better at doing them. We've also talked a lot about how some things might seem scary, but when you achieve them you feel absolutely on top of the world afterwards, and so proud of yourself. So we are more hopeful than we have been for a long time that we might actually be able to make a big improvement in her situation, even if she is always a bit prone to anxiety just as I have been all my life.
I will reiterate that I do only see this as a medium-term temporary measure. I see it as specifically to help her get over her social anxiety and selective mutism, and to hell with what happens academically. I will be pleased if she stays for a year, maybe two, feels successful and happy socially, and then decides to be home-educated again. I am certain that I do not want either of them to go to secondary school.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Not really an update
I will blog properly again one day, I promise. I just keep thinking I've got so much to catch up on that I need a good long time for blogging, and I just don't get it.
Things I could mention when I get round to it are:
1. Center Parcs holiday - excellent
2. Jade's Friend to Animals badge for Brownies
3. More maths meltdowns
4. My Organizing 101 online class
5. Snow and sledging fun
6. School decision
7. Selective mutism therapy.
There's probably more, but that's all I've got the brainpower for right now.
I do want to give a big thanks to Lotusbirther for pointing out that the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence has included selective mutism as one of the possible signs of child maltreatment in their proposed Guidance on which they are currently consulting, on the basis of one very flimsy and poorly-conducted piece of evidence. The Selective Mutism Information & Research Association had no idea about this until I was able to point it out to them last Thursday night, and an awful lot of work has been going on behind the scenes all of a sudden to get some proper scientific evidence in there to refute their false belief.
Heavens above, I am a home-educator with a selectively mute child - clearly we are definitely child abusers!
Things I could mention when I get round to it are:
1. Center Parcs holiday - excellent
2. Jade's Friend to Animals badge for Brownies
3. More maths meltdowns
4. My Organizing 101 online class
5. Snow and sledging fun
6. School decision
7. Selective mutism therapy.
There's probably more, but that's all I've got the brainpower for right now.
I do want to give a big thanks to Lotusbirther for pointing out that the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence has included selective mutism as one of the possible signs of child maltreatment in their proposed Guidance on which they are currently consulting, on the basis of one very flimsy and poorly-conducted piece of evidence. The Selective Mutism Information & Research Association had no idea about this until I was able to point it out to them last Thursday night, and an awful lot of work has been going on behind the scenes all of a sudden to get some proper scientific evidence in there to refute their false belief.
Heavens above, I am a home-educator with a selectively mute child - clearly we are definitely child abusers!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
HE rant
I feel a bit useless at saying that 3 years into HE and I still haven't settled on what I feel to be a successful and happy approach to HE for our family.
I like what I read about unschooling, but I am not totally convinced either in theory or in practice for us. Maybe I would feel better about it in practice if it was like I read somewhere recently with a quote roughly along the lines of "I started to realise how ridiculous it was to call my son away from designing his own model aeroplane to sit down and do some maths." If I saw plenty of designing, creating or discovering going on here, I might well just go along with it. Instead, what happens when left to their own devices is that Jade either pretends to be a horse or pretends to be riding/grooming/feeding one and Shannon begs to watch DVDs from dawn till dusk. I'm also not convinced about it in theory, because, rightly or wrongly and as someone who had a relatively academic education, I really want my daughters to be able to use grammar and the English language properly, with correct punctuation and spelling, and I want them to learn how to discuss and express their ideas and arguments fully and cogently, and I want them to be able to recognise good science from bad, I'd like them to have the basics of one or two foreign languages and the basics of maths, and how do I know whether, left to themselves, they would take these up to the level that I think they 'should'? It's disheartening when I read other blogs and find that other children her age are doing amazing art work, happily attending language groups, making their own patterns to sew their own clothes and being fascinated by electronics kits. With Jade, the only thing she is fascinated by is horses/ponies, and although I know there are plenty of educational opportunities in there, she WON'T do any of them. She will not make up pony stories, she will not write a pony project, she doesn't want to do anything that would feel to me as though she is doing something productive. She just wants to play at riding ponies and read pony stories and that is it.
With Jade in particular, giving her structured work is a dangerous venture, which has to be approached with the lightest of touches, otherwise sparking off major confrontations and leading to grumpiness and misery for us all. She is significantly resistant to being 'taught' anything, even stuff that she has actually asked to learn. I think perhaps she is incredibly insecure about feeling that she might get things wrong, so only wants to do things which she already feels she can do, and is scared of trying anything new. Her difficult behaviour seems to be part of the selective mutism syndrome, having compared notes with other parents, but she is particularly challenging to parent and I feel quite at sea with her at the moment.
It would be great if I was imaginative and energetic enough to come up with interesting activities and hands-on investigations that were fun and educational, but I feel stretched in too many directions and simply refereeing all the sibling rivalry, hitting and arguing and tantrums wears me out and I have very little left to give. It used to be that a quiet evening and a (relatively) good night's sleep (i.e. one where I only get woken about 2-3 brief times by Shannon) would refresh me and set me up again for the morning, but these days I am sick to death of the arguing and bickering before I've even got out of bed.
Part of me would quite like to throw in the towel and just send Jade to school, and then I'd get that blessed much-longed-for me-time that is so missing at the moment, but I know perfectly well that she wouldn't cope, it would do her much more harm than good and we'd end up in a worse position than we are now. Plus I'd miss what I feel that HE could and should be. I still believe in HE; I just don't feel as though I'm making a very good job of it with this particular child.
I like what I read about unschooling, but I am not totally convinced either in theory or in practice for us. Maybe I would feel better about it in practice if it was like I read somewhere recently with a quote roughly along the lines of "I started to realise how ridiculous it was to call my son away from designing his own model aeroplane to sit down and do some maths." If I saw plenty of designing, creating or discovering going on here, I might well just go along with it. Instead, what happens when left to their own devices is that Jade either pretends to be a horse or pretends to be riding/grooming/feeding one and Shannon begs to watch DVDs from dawn till dusk. I'm also not convinced about it in theory, because, rightly or wrongly and as someone who had a relatively academic education, I really want my daughters to be able to use grammar and the English language properly, with correct punctuation and spelling, and I want them to learn how to discuss and express their ideas and arguments fully and cogently, and I want them to be able to recognise good science from bad, I'd like them to have the basics of one or two foreign languages and the basics of maths, and how do I know whether, left to themselves, they would take these up to the level that I think they 'should'? It's disheartening when I read other blogs and find that other children her age are doing amazing art work, happily attending language groups, making their own patterns to sew their own clothes and being fascinated by electronics kits. With Jade, the only thing she is fascinated by is horses/ponies, and although I know there are plenty of educational opportunities in there, she WON'T do any of them. She will not make up pony stories, she will not write a pony project, she doesn't want to do anything that would feel to me as though she is doing something productive. She just wants to play at riding ponies and read pony stories and that is it.
With Jade in particular, giving her structured work is a dangerous venture, which has to be approached with the lightest of touches, otherwise sparking off major confrontations and leading to grumpiness and misery for us all. She is significantly resistant to being 'taught' anything, even stuff that she has actually asked to learn. I think perhaps she is incredibly insecure about feeling that she might get things wrong, so only wants to do things which she already feels she can do, and is scared of trying anything new. Her difficult behaviour seems to be part of the selective mutism syndrome, having compared notes with other parents, but she is particularly challenging to parent and I feel quite at sea with her at the moment.
It would be great if I was imaginative and energetic enough to come up with interesting activities and hands-on investigations that were fun and educational, but I feel stretched in too many directions and simply refereeing all the sibling rivalry, hitting and arguing and tantrums wears me out and I have very little left to give. It used to be that a quiet evening and a (relatively) good night's sleep (i.e. one where I only get woken about 2-3 brief times by Shannon) would refresh me and set me up again for the morning, but these days I am sick to death of the arguing and bickering before I've even got out of bed.
Part of me would quite like to throw in the towel and just send Jade to school, and then I'd get that blessed much-longed-for me-time that is so missing at the moment, but I know perfectly well that she wouldn't cope, it would do her much more harm than good and we'd end up in a worse position than we are now. Plus I'd miss what I feel that HE could and should be. I still believe in HE; I just don't feel as though I'm making a very good job of it with this particular child.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Archaeology
We've done some work today that has satisfied a bit of my personality that I didn't know I had! Having read the first bit of 'Story of the World' a couple of weeks ago, I've been planning on doing a bit of 'archaeology' with Jade - all I needed was the chance to surreptitiously bury some stuff in the as-yet-unplanted vegetable patch and then set her up for an archaeological dig. I managed to bury the stuff last week, but then it got freezing cold, so we didn't do anything about it until yesterday. When she got home after her afternoon at school, and with me feeling frustrated because we'd just frittered away the morning without doing anything 'proper', I tempted her out into the garden with the promise of lots of mud and mess. She went at it with great enthusiasm, which I had to temper slightly for fear of damaging the 'artefacts'! But she was thrilled whenever she came across anything. I am slightly disconcerted that there are 2 things I buried that we never discovered, so who knows how long they will remain there now! We took great care, once we found something, to brush the mud carefully away so as not to damage it, and to mark on a plan of the area where we had found something. Before long, L from next door came round and joined in too.
Shannon was happy to help by washing the 'ancient objects' that we found:
And, yesterday, that was that.
This morning we had planned to go to HE group, where science experiments were planned. But despite looking through a few books last night, I couldn't find anything I was interested enough in to take with us to demonstrate, and I wanted to finish off our 'dig' project as I feel I can't go on with SOTW until we've finished this bit (I know me .... if I move on, I will never go back and finish off what I've left undone). And Jade was begging to go swimming and as HE group lasts most of the day (10.30 - 3pm) there wouldn't have been time to go. So we decided to abandon the group, finish off stuff at home this morning and go swimming this afternoon.
So, once we were up and dressed (mostly - Shannon wanted to remain naked for a good portion of the morning) I set Jade to taking photos of all the objects she had dug up, which included a few bits and pieces of broken stuff that I hadn't put there! I then started to show her how to get the pictures from the camera onto the computer, but hit a strange technical hitch which slowed everything up a great deal and she got bored and wandered off to play. I eventually sorted that out, uploaded the pics, chose a few and printed them off. I then retrieved her from her playing, sat her down at the table and persuaded her to make the pics into a booklet with a front and back cover, which she illustrated with a lovely drawing of a skeleton and a garden fork, and then wrote 'ARCHAEOLOGY' for the title. What has surprised me is how satisfied I feel at having got her to produce a 'proper' written piece of work (rolling eyes emoticon!!). Help, somebody stop me, I'm coming over all teacher-y!
We've also put stickers on the world map that those lovely people at the Guardian newspaper have given away free (courtesy of my Dad). We have placed stickers showing the 7 wonders of the ancient world (noting how they are all in the same area) and the 7 wonders of the natural world. She's had lunch while listening to a couple of the Rainbow Fairies stories which we've borrowed from the library on CD (well, it saves me having to read them to her) and then she sat on the sofa reading several books to Shannon (toddler books) while I listed a couple of items on Ebay.
After that we went swimming. By accident I slightly under-inflated Jade's arm-bands and tried to persuade her to keep them like that. Despite the fact that she could swim in them, she insisted I blew them up more. Meanwhile Shannon only wanted to hop onto my back and be towed around hanging onto my shoulder straps!
Tonight I am particularly concerned about Jade's apparently growing distress at ever being separated from me. She was saying this evening how she hates Wednesdays when DH is at home and I go to work, and she asked if it could be the other way round tomorrow. She hates me leaving her in bed to fall asleep, and always begs and pleads with me to stay. She has also been more reluctant to go to school recently, despite apparently having a lovely time when she is there. She's been clinging to me and not wanting me to leave. She really does settle down and play happily with the other children, and appears to do just fine while she's there. She won't talk to the adults, though. And that is another aspect of what is bothering me. Selective mutism, which she does have although on the milder end of the spectrum as she will at least talk to other children, is an anxiety-related condition, and obviously so is separation anxiety. She's such a fabulous girl in so many ways, and yet she is so anxious in these various situations. Everything I've done with her since she was a baby was supposed to develop self-confidence in a child - co-sleeping, carrying, long-term breastfeeding. And I wonder whether in fact it's done the exact opposite. Or maybe she's just genetically like that and would have been no matter what we'd done with her. She does after all remind me of me :-) I get so cross with myself for being anxious in other people's presence, fearing I'm not interesting or fun enough for anybody to want to be with me, and no matter what pep-talks I give myself I don't seem to be able to rid myself of this particular trait. But knowing what agonies that having an anxious personality has put me through, I'm longing to find a way to help her become confident within herself and deal with her worries.
To completely change tack, and just so that this is recorded for our own purposes and not to brag at all (I don't even know what's supposed to be 'normal' at this age), Shannon is completely confident at counting from 1-12, recognises the shapes square, circle, triangle, rectangle, heart and star, and is 'getting there' with colours.
Shannon was happy to help by washing the 'ancient objects' that we found:
And, yesterday, that was that.
This morning we had planned to go to HE group, where science experiments were planned. But despite looking through a few books last night, I couldn't find anything I was interested enough in to take with us to demonstrate, and I wanted to finish off our 'dig' project as I feel I can't go on with SOTW until we've finished this bit (I know me .... if I move on, I will never go back and finish off what I've left undone). And Jade was begging to go swimming and as HE group lasts most of the day (10.30 - 3pm) there wouldn't have been time to go. So we decided to abandon the group, finish off stuff at home this morning and go swimming this afternoon.
So, once we were up and dressed (mostly - Shannon wanted to remain naked for a good portion of the morning) I set Jade to taking photos of all the objects she had dug up, which included a few bits and pieces of broken stuff that I hadn't put there! I then started to show her how to get the pictures from the camera onto the computer, but hit a strange technical hitch which slowed everything up a great deal and she got bored and wandered off to play. I eventually sorted that out, uploaded the pics, chose a few and printed them off. I then retrieved her from her playing, sat her down at the table and persuaded her to make the pics into a booklet with a front and back cover, which she illustrated with a lovely drawing of a skeleton and a garden fork, and then wrote 'ARCHAEOLOGY' for the title. What has surprised me is how satisfied I feel at having got her to produce a 'proper' written piece of work (rolling eyes emoticon!!). Help, somebody stop me, I'm coming over all teacher-y!
We've also put stickers on the world map that those lovely people at the Guardian newspaper have given away free (courtesy of my Dad). We have placed stickers showing the 7 wonders of the ancient world (noting how they are all in the same area) and the 7 wonders of the natural world. She's had lunch while listening to a couple of the Rainbow Fairies stories which we've borrowed from the library on CD (well, it saves me having to read them to her) and then she sat on the sofa reading several books to Shannon (toddler books) while I listed a couple of items on Ebay.
After that we went swimming. By accident I slightly under-inflated Jade's arm-bands and tried to persuade her to keep them like that. Despite the fact that she could swim in them, she insisted I blew them up more. Meanwhile Shannon only wanted to hop onto my back and be towed around hanging onto my shoulder straps!
Tonight I am particularly concerned about Jade's apparently growing distress at ever being separated from me. She was saying this evening how she hates Wednesdays when DH is at home and I go to work, and she asked if it could be the other way round tomorrow. She hates me leaving her in bed to fall asleep, and always begs and pleads with me to stay. She has also been more reluctant to go to school recently, despite apparently having a lovely time when she is there. She's been clinging to me and not wanting me to leave. She really does settle down and play happily with the other children, and appears to do just fine while she's there. She won't talk to the adults, though. And that is another aspect of what is bothering me. Selective mutism, which she does have although on the milder end of the spectrum as she will at least talk to other children, is an anxiety-related condition, and obviously so is separation anxiety. She's such a fabulous girl in so many ways, and yet she is so anxious in these various situations. Everything I've done with her since she was a baby was supposed to develop self-confidence in a child - co-sleeping, carrying, long-term breastfeeding. And I wonder whether in fact it's done the exact opposite. Or maybe she's just genetically like that and would have been no matter what we'd done with her. She does after all remind me of me :-) I get so cross with myself for being anxious in other people's presence, fearing I'm not interesting or fun enough for anybody to want to be with me, and no matter what pep-talks I give myself I don't seem to be able to rid myself of this particular trait. But knowing what agonies that having an anxious personality has put me through, I'm longing to find a way to help her become confident within herself and deal with her worries.
To completely change tack, and just so that this is recorded for our own purposes and not to brag at all (I don't even know what's supposed to be 'normal' at this age), Shannon is completely confident at counting from 1-12, recognises the shapes square, circle, triangle, rectangle, heart and star, and is 'getting there' with colours.
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