When Jade first went to school in April 2009, we were very uncertain whether she would settle into it or not, but she had asked to go, and we really wanted to see if we could make some progress with her severe social anxiety and selective mutism, in a safe supportive place with trained, committed staff and people whom she could get to know day in day out and learn to trust that nothing bad would happen to her there. She needed to grow her own confidence that she could manage without being with me all the time, and expand the range of people she could be with and hopefully talk to.
We've had major ups and downs in that process, but at the moment things look reasonable. She can talk to her TA usually, though still with some anxiety and not with the complete freedom she talks with at home; she has learned to cope without me being there all the time; she talks to other children on the whole; she can read to her teacher in a small group, and she has answered maths questions in a low voice but enough that the children on her table could hear.
There are still areas of difficulty, obviously. She won't go to Brownies without me, and in fact she's said she doesn't want to go back because it's boring. It's boring because she won't join in any games, and as they play lots of games at Brownies a lot of the time she is sitting at the side with me, just watching. She won't do 'wake and shake' in the playground in the mornings, even at the back where nobody would be watching her because they'll all be facing the front and even though I'm with her and doing it too. She won't go for riding lessons, even though riding is her favourite thing to do. She really wants to be able to canter, despite her fear of doing so, but won't do it in a lesson because she doesn't want to be watched. She can't canter on her loan pony, Lily, because Lily is too strong and would likely gallop off! She won't talk to my Mum any more, or other relatives or any other adults apart from those mentioned and us at home.
Anyway, at the beginning, I urged Jade to try school for a week, and then for a month, and then for a term, and then for the rest of the year. As I've said she's made good progress but still needs to make more, so in our latest discussions of how long to stay at school, we've said she needs to stay till the end of primary, but can be home educated again instead of going to secondary school. She seems happy with this, both about staying at school for 2 more years but also about not having to go after that!
However it's giving me pause for thought on various fronts, and this morning after being woken at about 5.30am by Shannon, I lay awake till 7am worrying and fretting about Jade.
If Jade was normally socially competent, I would not doubt that HE would be best for her. Home education of itself has always seemed vastly superior to me, for the freedom and depth and range of education, and freedom from the excessive peer pressures and attitudes of schoolkids, especially during the tumultuous adolescent stage. Even just thinking about Jade herself, I'm very glad to think about her not being in that pressured, difficult and stressful situation.
But in the small hours of this morning, I saw very clearly the other side of the coin. Adolescence is the time when friendships become extra important, and it is going to be vital that she has at least one or two good, supportive and reliable friends who will be kind about her struggles and difficulties. My worry is partly fuelled by occasionally reading a blog by a teen who struggles with anxiety and selective mutism and who is heading scarily towards anorexia as she struggles massively with her self-image and who she is. I also think back to my own teenage years which were dominated by my own anxiety problems (phobia) and how scarily astray some of my own thinking and views were.
Jade currently has 2 good friends who want to see her out of school time, though there are others at school who seem to like being with her but don't make any attempt to be in touch after school or in the holidays. One girl lives next door, and though she is a kind and good-hearted girl, she is very much a slow learner, and Jade is rude and horrible to her quite often (yes, we do pull her up on it and talk about it and punish her for the worst behaviour but it's taking an awfully long time to change this behaviour/attitude), and I just think that once they outgrow childish games and get into the teenage years, I can't see the friendship continuing strongly. Jade's other friend is herself a bit prone to fiery outbursts, and on Friday lunchtime they fell out in a big way (though Jade has to sit next to her in class all day, since she was deliberately put with a friend to help her in her new class), and she is also one who is in the lowest academic groups in the class and I am worried about the morals and attitudes of the family she comes from and all in all I am not sure that friendship is going to be one that lasts or if it does, I don't really want to encourage it all that much.
Living in such a rural area, there are not many HEors so there is not a strong prospect of good friends in the HE group either. There used to be 3 girls of roughly Jade's age who were HE'd, but she didn't particularly gel with any of them and of course I don't even know if they still are or will continue to be HE'd. Jade has never made any particular friends at church and again in a rural area people come from all over the place so could easily be 15 miles away from us. Once she reaches secondary age, it is really not going to be so straightforward for me to attend groups with her and stay, and unless she is already established in a group by then I can't see her attending on her own.
So I had this scary vision of Jade aged 11+ with no good, trustworthy friends, unable to go to social groups and make new ones, isolated at home, getting less socially confident as the pangs of adolescence strike and ....... urgh!
Add to this, the fact that DH is due to retire in 4 years, his income will probably reduce by half or more, I need/want to study for an MSc over the next 3-4 years so I can become a nutritional therapist and work after he retires and supplement our income, he doesn't want nor would he be very good at being the main educator, if Jade isn't going to school then I bet Shannon wouldn't want to stay either, and I won't be able to study properly if they're both at home all the time, and I just don't see how it's all going to work.
Showing posts with label HE. Show all posts
Showing posts with label HE. Show all posts
Monday, September 13, 2010
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Life
I barely know where to start. My head is a muddle and so is my life. So many things are worrying or unsatisfactory at the moment and I can't begin to make sense of it all.
I am very worried about Jade. When going through (and chucking out) some old papers earlier on I came across a list of characteristics of self-rejection, and all the ones that aren't adult-centred are relevant to her, namely inferiority, insecurity, self-consciousness, shyness, critical, envious, jealous, unable to respond to others, over-sensitivity and touchiness. That describes her so well. She hates her younger sister and never has anything positive to say about her. They do play together but never have any close, caring, sharing moments. She is jealous, envious and critical particularly of Shannon but also of other friends. She will not share ANY of her toys with Shannon, snatches them, and yet thinks she ought to be able to play with anything of Shannon's without restriction. She can't/won't talk about feelings, she pushes everything down, won't let herself cry if she can possibly avoid it, is extremely moody, very often has a really sulky, grumpy scowl on her face. I am so worried about what her life will become if we cannot shift her out of this place within herself somehow. And how the hell did this happen anyway? I absolutely bent over backwards to meet all her baby needs, I was a calm, patient, loving and adoring mother in those days and followed continuum concept/attachment parenting principles because I loved to do so and because she was such a thrill and a joy to have. It was supposed to give her a completely secure base from which to move out and explore the world. And something, whether it's biology or maternal anxiety while she was in the womb or just something we have failed to do when she was much littler, or a combination of them all, has left us with this anxious and frankly often rather unpleasant child.
Both girls just want me all the time. They want me to bring them downstairs in the morning, me to do bedtime stories, and just about everything else inbetween. Daddy won't do - they complain if it's his turn (despite him being much nicer than me a lot of the time). Shannon demands carries or piggy-backs several times a day (not often agreed to, but the demands are wearing nonetheless) and Jade leaps on me at any opportunity trying to ride me like a horse. And this is despite my absolute rage at her continuing to do it and making it extremely clear that it drives me mad.
I was away at a conference at the weekend with work, and had an absolutely lovely time. I had forgotten how energised I am by ideas, and interesting conversation, and feeling like what I do has a purpose and is successful and respected. I was so fed up when I got home. I didn't want to be here at all, didn't want to go back to screaming, whining children and mess and ungratefulness and repeating the same phrases over and over and over again until I yell and shout and say things I regret.
Yet there is no way I can work any more at the moment. Jade is completely unable to function in the outside world without either me or DH with her at all times. She is so, so far away from being able to be in school in a normal way that at the moment I can't imagine it ever happening. I don't know what she's feeling about school at the moment. She missed most of last week because she had a tummy bug, and has missed most of this week because they are doing tests and we've been advised not to bring her in in the mornings (and I can't do afternoons because of Shannon, except on Wednesdays). I kind of don't want to ask her whether she wants to continue going, because in one way (see above) I want her to, so that I can eventually get some of my own space. On the other hand trying to gradually integrate her into school is so stressful and shows up in stark contrast just how different she is from every other child and I frequently want to just chuck it all in and stick to HE. But then I'd have no respite on the horizon at all, and we'd still have to go through some sort of similar process with other groups or social activities anyway.
There is so much of my own that I want to do. I want to study nutrition more, and maybe become a nutritional therapist or something similar. I want to sort out all the bloody mess and clutter in this house and live like decent normal people with a nice house. I want to get on with scrapbooking, reading, thinking, exercising, organising and other things that require concentration and attention. I just can't bring myself to start anything because I know I'm going to be interrupted every 30 seconds and it utterly does my head in and renders me incapable of coherent thought. I'm crap in the evenings because bedtime routine takes from 7pm to 9pm and after that I'm too tired and resentful to start anything. And neither do I plan or organise any interesting HE stuff, nor do my children come up with anything that looks nearly as educational as other children seem to do, nor can I take Jade to groups or anything interactive, so I'm doing a completely crap job of HE too.
And there is no uplifting ending to this post. I just hope someone somewhere will tell me where I can get a personality transplant for Jade.
I am very worried about Jade. When going through (and chucking out) some old papers earlier on I came across a list of characteristics of self-rejection, and all the ones that aren't adult-centred are relevant to her, namely inferiority, insecurity, self-consciousness, shyness, critical, envious, jealous, unable to respond to others, over-sensitivity and touchiness. That describes her so well. She hates her younger sister and never has anything positive to say about her. They do play together but never have any close, caring, sharing moments. She is jealous, envious and critical particularly of Shannon but also of other friends. She will not share ANY of her toys with Shannon, snatches them, and yet thinks she ought to be able to play with anything of Shannon's without restriction. She can't/won't talk about feelings, she pushes everything down, won't let herself cry if she can possibly avoid it, is extremely moody, very often has a really sulky, grumpy scowl on her face. I am so worried about what her life will become if we cannot shift her out of this place within herself somehow. And how the hell did this happen anyway? I absolutely bent over backwards to meet all her baby needs, I was a calm, patient, loving and adoring mother in those days and followed continuum concept/attachment parenting principles because I loved to do so and because she was such a thrill and a joy to have. It was supposed to give her a completely secure base from which to move out and explore the world. And something, whether it's biology or maternal anxiety while she was in the womb or just something we have failed to do when she was much littler, or a combination of them all, has left us with this anxious and frankly often rather unpleasant child.
Both girls just want me all the time. They want me to bring them downstairs in the morning, me to do bedtime stories, and just about everything else inbetween. Daddy won't do - they complain if it's his turn (despite him being much nicer than me a lot of the time). Shannon demands carries or piggy-backs several times a day (not often agreed to, but the demands are wearing nonetheless) and Jade leaps on me at any opportunity trying to ride me like a horse. And this is despite my absolute rage at her continuing to do it and making it extremely clear that it drives me mad.
I was away at a conference at the weekend with work, and had an absolutely lovely time. I had forgotten how energised I am by ideas, and interesting conversation, and feeling like what I do has a purpose and is successful and respected. I was so fed up when I got home. I didn't want to be here at all, didn't want to go back to screaming, whining children and mess and ungratefulness and repeating the same phrases over and over and over again until I yell and shout and say things I regret.
Yet there is no way I can work any more at the moment. Jade is completely unable to function in the outside world without either me or DH with her at all times. She is so, so far away from being able to be in school in a normal way that at the moment I can't imagine it ever happening. I don't know what she's feeling about school at the moment. She missed most of last week because she had a tummy bug, and has missed most of this week because they are doing tests and we've been advised not to bring her in in the mornings (and I can't do afternoons because of Shannon, except on Wednesdays). I kind of don't want to ask her whether she wants to continue going, because in one way (see above) I want her to, so that I can eventually get some of my own space. On the other hand trying to gradually integrate her into school is so stressful and shows up in stark contrast just how different she is from every other child and I frequently want to just chuck it all in and stick to HE. But then I'd have no respite on the horizon at all, and we'd still have to go through some sort of similar process with other groups or social activities anyway.
There is so much of my own that I want to do. I want to study nutrition more, and maybe become a nutritional therapist or something similar. I want to sort out all the bloody mess and clutter in this house and live like decent normal people with a nice house. I want to get on with scrapbooking, reading, thinking, exercising, organising and other things that require concentration and attention. I just can't bring myself to start anything because I know I'm going to be interrupted every 30 seconds and it utterly does my head in and renders me incapable of coherent thought. I'm crap in the evenings because bedtime routine takes from 7pm to 9pm and after that I'm too tired and resentful to start anything. And neither do I plan or organise any interesting HE stuff, nor do my children come up with anything that looks nearly as educational as other children seem to do, nor can I take Jade to groups or anything interactive, so I'm doing a completely crap job of HE too.
And there is no uplifting ending to this post. I just hope someone somewhere will tell me where I can get a personality transplant for Jade.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
All change
It's a time of significant change here. Jade will be starting school on Monday 27th. Shannon's playgroup is closing next Thursday, April 30th. And the small charity I work for is having difficulty raising funds for this financial year, and I may lose my job. I am looking round for another one. (And in the middle of all that, we will have Benjamin's 10th birthday to get through).
I don't know whether to laugh or cry about the school thing. I am glad that Jade wants to go, because that in itself shows significant progress emotionally and socially. The school are bending over backwards to make it alright for her, by starting her part-time, me going in with her, the teacher will go on a selective mutism training course with me next Tuesday (assuming there are still places available), and if all goes well she could make significant steps forward with social and emotional things, like being able to be away from me, learning to be with others and talk to them and so on. The teacher is good, the class is warm, supportive and friendly - it could make a world of difference to Jade to have this experience. And I am so looking forward to having some headspace for me, time to regroup and take stock of everything (though that might now have to wait till September with Shannon not being at playschool).
On the other hand, all of us HEors know enough about what school can do to some kids and sending her to school to gain in confidence seems rather the wrong way round. And I will miss her :-( We went for a lovely walk in the sunshine on Monday morning and it was that fantastic feeling of freedom while all the other children in the world (it seems) are locked away in school! I love the individuality that HE gives us, the freedom and time to live life as we want to.
Ah well, all we can do now is suck it and see. We have to do this now - Jade wants to and it would be wrong in her particular case to deny that, and there is a good chance she will make big strides forward.
So at the weekend I shall come off the blogring, if the Blogring Controller could arrange that ;-) Make sure you set your bookmarks or RSS feeders now!
In preparation for school, I have been having a little look at where Jade is at educationally. I did a couple of reading tests on her, resulting in a reading age of 12y 7mo (she is 7y 10mo). Overall with maths she seems to be around the end of a Year 2 level, so about a year behind, but she does struggle with maths, doesn't like doing it and I haven't pushed it much, having hoped she will reach an age where it will 'click' more easily. No such luxury in school! And as far as everything else, I haven't a clue! The rest doesn't bother me really. I have printed off those verbal and non-verbal reasoning papers that everyone else has been doing lately but haven't had the chance to give them to her yet. She continues of course to learn everything in the universe about horses and ponies, and could now quite competently devise a stable management routine and feeding routine for any equine friend that came her way. She knows more than I do (and I was an utterly pony-mad child too) about breeds, markings, tack and points of the horse, although not as much about riding yet ;-) That's where her anxiety and lack of self-confidence show through - she's taking the learning to ride process quite slowly.
She spends most of her time pretending to be a pony, pretending to have a pony and setting up various 'stables' round the house, garden and garage, or playing with toy ponies. Occasionally I drag her away to do a spot of maths or grammar, but most overt educational stuff stopped a while ago. She also got a new bike recently (I'd been wondering about getting her a new one for her birthday in June, and then I saw a lovely one 2nd hand for £25 so got that one) and she's loving that - and has started becoming more adventurous about going a little further away from home unaccompanied.
Shannon has been a bit challenging lately! She is wetting her pants most days, despite having been potty trained for a year or more. She just doesn't want to stop whatever she's doing to go to the toilet. And wants carries/piggy-backs/shoulder-carries several times per day. And is just generally whiney and demanding a lot of the time. But I think I have assumed too much that she can cope with whatever comes her way - by comparison with Jade she is confident and robust and I think I have just been so relieved by that, that I have perhaps not been as sensitive to her needs as I otherwise would have. So perhaps she will benefit from Jade being at school and Shannon having some more one-to-one, concentrated attention that doesn't just leave her hanging on running after Jade and L from next door trying to do whatever they do. It was a surprise to me to get her leaver's report from playschool which described her as a "quiet little girl" - quiet is not an adjective I ever would have thought would be used to describe her - and it worries me a bit. Is she significantly squashing her personality at playschool, or not as confident there as I thought she was, although it is very small and they've only had 6-8 kids there since last September? Maybe she won't be as totally unscathed by school as I have been assuming.
Well, that's all for now as I'm all blogged out after being out of practice for so long.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry about the school thing. I am glad that Jade wants to go, because that in itself shows significant progress emotionally and socially. The school are bending over backwards to make it alright for her, by starting her part-time, me going in with her, the teacher will go on a selective mutism training course with me next Tuesday (assuming there are still places available), and if all goes well she could make significant steps forward with social and emotional things, like being able to be away from me, learning to be with others and talk to them and so on. The teacher is good, the class is warm, supportive and friendly - it could make a world of difference to Jade to have this experience. And I am so looking forward to having some headspace for me, time to regroup and take stock of everything (though that might now have to wait till September with Shannon not being at playschool).
On the other hand, all of us HEors know enough about what school can do to some kids and sending her to school to gain in confidence seems rather the wrong way round. And I will miss her :-( We went for a lovely walk in the sunshine on Monday morning and it was that fantastic feeling of freedom while all the other children in the world (it seems) are locked away in school! I love the individuality that HE gives us, the freedom and time to live life as we want to.
Ah well, all we can do now is suck it and see. We have to do this now - Jade wants to and it would be wrong in her particular case to deny that, and there is a good chance she will make big strides forward.
So at the weekend I shall come off the blogring, if the Blogring Controller could arrange that ;-) Make sure you set your bookmarks or RSS feeders now!
In preparation for school, I have been having a little look at where Jade is at educationally. I did a couple of reading tests on her, resulting in a reading age of 12y 7mo (she is 7y 10mo). Overall with maths she seems to be around the end of a Year 2 level, so about a year behind, but she does struggle with maths, doesn't like doing it and I haven't pushed it much, having hoped she will reach an age where it will 'click' more easily. No such luxury in school! And as far as everything else, I haven't a clue! The rest doesn't bother me really. I have printed off those verbal and non-verbal reasoning papers that everyone else has been doing lately but haven't had the chance to give them to her yet. She continues of course to learn everything in the universe about horses and ponies, and could now quite competently devise a stable management routine and feeding routine for any equine friend that came her way. She knows more than I do (and I was an utterly pony-mad child too) about breeds, markings, tack and points of the horse, although not as much about riding yet ;-) That's where her anxiety and lack of self-confidence show through - she's taking the learning to ride process quite slowly.
She spends most of her time pretending to be a pony, pretending to have a pony and setting up various 'stables' round the house, garden and garage, or playing with toy ponies. Occasionally I drag her away to do a spot of maths or grammar, but most overt educational stuff stopped a while ago. She also got a new bike recently (I'd been wondering about getting her a new one for her birthday in June, and then I saw a lovely one 2nd hand for £25 so got that one) and she's loving that - and has started becoming more adventurous about going a little further away from home unaccompanied.
Shannon has been a bit challenging lately! She is wetting her pants most days, despite having been potty trained for a year or more. She just doesn't want to stop whatever she's doing to go to the toilet. And wants carries/piggy-backs/shoulder-carries several times per day. And is just generally whiney and demanding a lot of the time. But I think I have assumed too much that she can cope with whatever comes her way - by comparison with Jade she is confident and robust and I think I have just been so relieved by that, that I have perhaps not been as sensitive to her needs as I otherwise would have. So perhaps she will benefit from Jade being at school and Shannon having some more one-to-one, concentrated attention that doesn't just leave her hanging on running after Jade and L from next door trying to do whatever they do. It was a surprise to me to get her leaver's report from playschool which described her as a "quiet little girl" - quiet is not an adjective I ever would have thought would be used to describe her - and it worries me a bit. Is she significantly squashing her personality at playschool, or not as confident there as I thought she was, although it is very small and they've only had 6-8 kids there since last September? Maybe she won't be as totally unscathed by school as I have been assuming.
Well, that's all for now as I'm all blogged out after being out of practice for so long.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Productive day
It's been a good day. With Shannon at playschool this morning, Jade and I knuckled down to some maths (beginning of times tables), the first lesson from "First Language Lessons for the Well-Trained Mind", and then loads more of me reading from "Under Fire" as linked to yesterday. After about an hour of reading, I needed a break so we walked the dog, had a quick lunch and then went to collect Shannon. We stopped off at the supermarket on the way back and picked up some essentials, and then came home again.
They both spent some time with their new magazines from the supermarket. - Shannon in particular spent ages on the "Fun to Learn Friends" magazine. Firstly we all played the Snakes & Ladders game on the front, then Shannon spent ages doing lots of letter copying and writing, colouring and counting. Jade got bored with her magazine quicker, so I suggested we play Hangman. I got out the blackboard and we played that for quite a while, taking it in turns to hang and be hanged! Then while I was folding laundry I suggested to Jade that she teach Shannon how to read simple three-letter words. She didn't actually do any 'teaching' as such - she just wrote up some simple words and asked Shannon to read them. Well, Shannon took us all by surprise and did it! Hence the video below! So that was a thrill. Of course, she had been doing it perfectly until I got the camera out, and then started getting it wrong, but eventually I captured a correct section again! And then I even managed to cook a healthy dinner, and all but one of us ate it! (Jade resorted to a bowl of cereal - I still don't know whether to just make her eat stuff which is honestly perfectly nice or give her a not so good alternative - I'm damned if I'm going to cook 2 meals though!).
They both spent some time with their new magazines from the supermarket. - Shannon in particular spent ages on the "Fun to Learn Friends" magazine. Firstly we all played the Snakes & Ladders game on the front, then Shannon spent ages doing lots of letter copying and writing, colouring and counting. Jade got bored with her magazine quicker, so I suggested we play Hangman. I got out the blackboard and we played that for quite a while, taking it in turns to hang and be hanged! Then while I was folding laundry I suggested to Jade that she teach Shannon how to read simple three-letter words. She didn't actually do any 'teaching' as such - she just wrote up some simple words and asked Shannon to read them. Well, Shannon took us all by surprise and did it! Hence the video below! So that was a thrill. Of course, she had been doing it perfectly until I got the camera out, and then started getting it wrong, but eventually I captured a correct section again! And then I even managed to cook a healthy dinner, and all but one of us ate it! (Jade resorted to a bowl of cereal - I still don't know whether to just make her eat stuff which is honestly perfectly nice or give her a not so good alternative - I'm damned if I'm going to cook 2 meals though!).
Saturday, November 22, 2008
I really am overdue for an HE-type post on here. I'll try and summarise roughly what we've been up to.
Firstly, I'm feeling that our week is just too full to get 'enough' educational stuff done. On Monday mornings, Shannon is at playschool and Jade and I have a morning together to do a bit more organised stuff than we do with S around. I usually launch enthusiastically into getting some maths done with her, and maybe some reading to her while she plays and that seems to be about as far as we get given household tasks to accomplish, the dog to walk and Shannon to go and collect. Monday afternoons nothing much seems to happen, so I could try and plan for some more activities then.
On Tuesday mornings I have a free morning while Jade is at the childminder and Shannon is at playschool. I usually try to fit in a run (yes, still running!), going to a group at church and then about 45 minutes of mad rushing about tidying/computering/sorting/dog-walking before going to collect the girls. On Tuesday afternoons we go swimming.
On Wednesdays I'm at work all day and DH is home with the girls. Some practical stuff usually gets done on those days, e.g. lately they have made a tree for a toy lemur to sit in, they have made a wooden stable, and a set of monster feet. Sometimes if I have left directions/books out, some of the maths or other things will get done, but not always.
On Thursday mornings I go to work, taking Jade with me while Shannon is at playschool. I used to insist that Jade did Education City at some point during the morning, but she only liked to do the same easy literacy exercises over and over again and balked at doing anything else (too scary) and I've kind of given up. She usually takes books to read and plays on the Barbie or CBeebies websites. Of course she is with me, taking note of my work and getting an insight into having a responsibility to do the work that you're paid for, and she hears me talking on the phone etc, so I guess there is a good deal more background stuff going on there as well. Straight after work, at lunchtime, she goes riding with the RDA. She's doing well there and has mastered the rising trot, but of course speaks not a single word and will only give the tiniest nod or shake of the head when asked a question. She got upset a few weeks ago when a couple of the ladies started to say things like "Go on, give us a smile" and "Tell the pony to 'Walk on'". After 2 or 3 weeks of this happening she got very upset one night and said she would stop going riding if they kept saying things like that. I had to print off and summarise as much info about Selective Mutism as I could and pass it to the RDA people, and now they are worried about saying anything to her in case they upset her!!! She loves it though, and as I was a horse-mad kid and still have a lot of interest it's nice for me to be there too.
On Fridays we have a completely free day. I often like to arrange visits to/from friends in the afternoon, but try to fit in a little more formal stuff into the morning. The days just easily disappear, though, with not much seeming to be achieved.
I don't even think about doing anything formally educational at the weekends, although I could. I just tend to think of them as days when I can legitimately leave the kids to their own devices (including usually L. from next door) while DH and I frantically battle to catch up with some of the backlog of things we are trying to get done.
So I'm finding myself a bit worried, particularly about maths. She has always found it hard, and is scared of anything she finds hard, so we have had to take it very very slowly indeed. She is still on very basic addition and subtraction, with merely the slightest venture into the 2, 5 and 10 times tables (skip-counting, rather than full tables). It wouldn't matter so much, except that she is insisting that she still wants to go to school next September. And I am having fearful imaginings of the teacher tut-tutting over the appalling gaps in her knowledge.
Anyway, on a more positive note, we have bought the LeapFrog Globe which is really good and all of us have been enjoying using it fairly often. I have certainly learned a few things, as have Jade and Shannon.
Jade has also had a strong interest in WW2, and picked up a couple of books at the library a couple of weeks ago. "Under Fire - Children of the Second World War tell their stories" is fascinating and Jade begged me to read and keep on reading for most of the day when we got this. (Memo - must pick it up again and carry on!). She also chose The Holocaust which I haven't read yet but DH said he learned a few things when he looked at it.
However have various lovely resources that I really want to use but are just not getting picked up. I bought "First Language Lessons for the Well-Trained Mind" at the same time I bought the globe, and that hasn't even been opened yet. We haven't touched "Story of the World" for months, and some living maths books (like Penrose the Mathematical Cat), games for learning, games for maths that I don't seem to find the time for. And we haven't done any proper science in yonks either. Nor any languages.
I had a brief chat with her today about her cello. She has been completely resistant to being shown or taught anything. We have a "teach yourself cello"-type DVD which she says she doesn't like. She hasn't got past bowing on open strings for a minute or two and then leaving it. I've had enough, and I've told her that I will hire it for one more term (i.e. till Easter) and if she isn't showing proper progress or learning of some sort by then, it's going back to the hire people. She immediately went and got it out and had a go, and within 5 minutes was in tears and a foul mood when I tried to show her how to place her fingers on a string to change the notes. I suspect we do not have the new Jacqueline du Pre in our house.
I suspect I just need a little bit more planning and organisation in our week and things would feel a lot better. I wonder how on earth I'm going to manage that then?
Firstly, I'm feeling that our week is just too full to get 'enough' educational stuff done. On Monday mornings, Shannon is at playschool and Jade and I have a morning together to do a bit more organised stuff than we do with S around. I usually launch enthusiastically into getting some maths done with her, and maybe some reading to her while she plays and that seems to be about as far as we get given household tasks to accomplish, the dog to walk and Shannon to go and collect. Monday afternoons nothing much seems to happen, so I could try and plan for some more activities then.
On Tuesday mornings I have a free morning while Jade is at the childminder and Shannon is at playschool. I usually try to fit in a run (yes, still running!), going to a group at church and then about 45 minutes of mad rushing about tidying/computering/sorting/dog-walking before going to collect the girls. On Tuesday afternoons we go swimming.
On Wednesdays I'm at work all day and DH is home with the girls. Some practical stuff usually gets done on those days, e.g. lately they have made a tree for a toy lemur to sit in, they have made a wooden stable, and a set of monster feet. Sometimes if I have left directions/books out, some of the maths or other things will get done, but not always.
On Thursday mornings I go to work, taking Jade with me while Shannon is at playschool. I used to insist that Jade did Education City at some point during the morning, but she only liked to do the same easy literacy exercises over and over again and balked at doing anything else (too scary) and I've kind of given up. She usually takes books to read and plays on the Barbie or CBeebies websites. Of course she is with me, taking note of my work and getting an insight into having a responsibility to do the work that you're paid for, and she hears me talking on the phone etc, so I guess there is a good deal more background stuff going on there as well. Straight after work, at lunchtime, she goes riding with the RDA. She's doing well there and has mastered the rising trot, but of course speaks not a single word and will only give the tiniest nod or shake of the head when asked a question. She got upset a few weeks ago when a couple of the ladies started to say things like "Go on, give us a smile" and "Tell the pony to 'Walk on'". After 2 or 3 weeks of this happening she got very upset one night and said she would stop going riding if they kept saying things like that. I had to print off and summarise as much info about Selective Mutism as I could and pass it to the RDA people, and now they are worried about saying anything to her in case they upset her!!! She loves it though, and as I was a horse-mad kid and still have a lot of interest it's nice for me to be there too.
On Fridays we have a completely free day. I often like to arrange visits to/from friends in the afternoon, but try to fit in a little more formal stuff into the morning. The days just easily disappear, though, with not much seeming to be achieved.
I don't even think about doing anything formally educational at the weekends, although I could. I just tend to think of them as days when I can legitimately leave the kids to their own devices (including usually L. from next door) while DH and I frantically battle to catch up with some of the backlog of things we are trying to get done.
So I'm finding myself a bit worried, particularly about maths. She has always found it hard, and is scared of anything she finds hard, so we have had to take it very very slowly indeed. She is still on very basic addition and subtraction, with merely the slightest venture into the 2, 5 and 10 times tables (skip-counting, rather than full tables). It wouldn't matter so much, except that she is insisting that she still wants to go to school next September. And I am having fearful imaginings of the teacher tut-tutting over the appalling gaps in her knowledge.
Anyway, on a more positive note, we have bought the LeapFrog Globe which is really good and all of us have been enjoying using it fairly often. I have certainly learned a few things, as have Jade and Shannon.
Jade has also had a strong interest in WW2, and picked up a couple of books at the library a couple of weeks ago. "Under Fire - Children of the Second World War tell their stories" is fascinating and Jade begged me to read and keep on reading for most of the day when we got this. (Memo - must pick it up again and carry on!). She also chose The Holocaust which I haven't read yet but DH said he learned a few things when he looked at it.
However have various lovely resources that I really want to use but are just not getting picked up. I bought "First Language Lessons for the Well-Trained Mind" at the same time I bought the globe, and that hasn't even been opened yet. We haven't touched "Story of the World" for months, and some living maths books (like Penrose the Mathematical Cat), games for learning, games for maths that I don't seem to find the time for. And we haven't done any proper science in yonks either. Nor any languages.
I had a brief chat with her today about her cello. She has been completely resistant to being shown or taught anything. We have a "teach yourself cello"-type DVD which she says she doesn't like. She hasn't got past bowing on open strings for a minute or two and then leaving it. I've had enough, and I've told her that I will hire it for one more term (i.e. till Easter) and if she isn't showing proper progress or learning of some sort by then, it's going back to the hire people. She immediately went and got it out and had a go, and within 5 minutes was in tears and a foul mood when I tried to show her how to place her fingers on a string to change the notes. I suspect we do not have the new Jacqueline du Pre in our house.
I suspect I just need a little bit more planning and organisation in our week and things would feel a lot better. I wonder how on earth I'm going to manage that then?
Monday, July 14, 2008
Phew!
I phoned the school this morning. They don't have a place available in Jade's year. What a relief! She didn't seem too bothered when I told her.
One thing that was very strange is that the school secretary said that Jade (who age-wise would go into Year 3 in September) would not be able to because 'she has not completed the Key Stage 1 curriculum' and therefore would have to stay down in Year 2. I am very slow in responding appropriately to comments, and of course should have said "How do you know?", but in fact she is correct especially as far as maths is concerned. I thought it was very odd, though - presumably they wouldn't say the same thing if she wanted to join at age 8 or 9 or 10 - that she'd have to go into Year 2 to do KS1 before she could do KS2 stuff!!! I think she might have been talking off the top of her head because they do have another ex-home-edder of Jade's age who is staying down in Year 2 but that's because she can't read yet. Hardly the same kettle of fish, really! Anyway it's all academic (har, har) because she's not going and I'm very glad! I still reserve the right to moan and complain heartily at the fighting, arguing and general demandingness of 2 girls at home though!
I did give Jade a sheet of simple adding-up and subtraction sums this morning - she completed them adequately (though still using fingers and sometimes borrowing mine!) and then ripped up the sheet when she'd finished to show what she thought of it. While she was doing those I was playing with some magnetic Letterland letters with Shannon, spelling her name and talking about the other letters. Then she wandered off to play a Dora computer game, and Jade made yet another horse out of the back of the sofa, a hobby-horse and some cushions, so while she was there I offered to read to her. She said yes as long as it was interesting, so I rejected Story of the World as not being quite scintillating enough and chose "Twenty and Ten", a Sonlight read-aloud story which since we are no longer following the schedule might otherwise have got missed. She was pretty gripped by that and of course it is very educational, covering Nazism, the occupation of France, the persecution of the Jews and orphan Jewish children having to go into hiding, none of which we have covered before so that was good. I got through about half the book before stopping for lunch.
After lunch I finished my half-hearted menu-planning and shopping list, took the dog for a lovely walk in the woods and then went to Tesco for a major food shop. We got home around 4pm so had just under an hour before taking Shannon to a friend's so that I could take Jade to her final Rainbows. It was billed as a 'party' but, as Jade said to me when she was in bed this evening, it wasn't really a party. They had milkshakes instead of squash to drink and as an activity they put icing and sprinkles on some little cakes, but that was about it. Still, a month on from her Rainbows Promise Party she has now left and has the badges to prove it.
One thing that was very strange is that the school secretary said that Jade (who age-wise would go into Year 3 in September) would not be able to because 'she has not completed the Key Stage 1 curriculum' and therefore would have to stay down in Year 2. I am very slow in responding appropriately to comments, and of course should have said "How do you know?", but in fact she is correct especially as far as maths is concerned. I thought it was very odd, though - presumably they wouldn't say the same thing if she wanted to join at age 8 or 9 or 10 - that she'd have to go into Year 2 to do KS1 before she could do KS2 stuff!!! I think she might have been talking off the top of her head because they do have another ex-home-edder of Jade's age who is staying down in Year 2 but that's because she can't read yet. Hardly the same kettle of fish, really! Anyway it's all academic (har, har) because she's not going and I'm very glad! I still reserve the right to moan and complain heartily at the fighting, arguing and general demandingness of 2 girls at home though!
I did give Jade a sheet of simple adding-up and subtraction sums this morning - she completed them adequately (though still using fingers and sometimes borrowing mine!) and then ripped up the sheet when she'd finished to show what she thought of it. While she was doing those I was playing with some magnetic Letterland letters with Shannon, spelling her name and talking about the other letters. Then she wandered off to play a Dora computer game, and Jade made yet another horse out of the back of the sofa, a hobby-horse and some cushions, so while she was there I offered to read to her. She said yes as long as it was interesting, so I rejected Story of the World as not being quite scintillating enough and chose "Twenty and Ten", a Sonlight read-aloud story which since we are no longer following the schedule might otherwise have got missed. She was pretty gripped by that and of course it is very educational, covering Nazism, the occupation of France, the persecution of the Jews and orphan Jewish children having to go into hiding, none of which we have covered before so that was good. I got through about half the book before stopping for lunch.
After lunch I finished my half-hearted menu-planning and shopping list, took the dog for a lovely walk in the woods and then went to Tesco for a major food shop. We got home around 4pm so had just under an hour before taking Shannon to a friend's so that I could take Jade to her final Rainbows. It was billed as a 'party' but, as Jade said to me when she was in bed this evening, it wasn't really a party. They had milkshakes instead of squash to drink and as an activity they put icing and sprinkles on some little cakes, but that was about it. Still, a month on from her Rainbows Promise Party she has now left and has the badges to prove it.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
The week
Last weekend the girls and I went down to Hampshire to visit my Mum. Pleasant enough - we haven't stayed there for absolutely ages so it was a change. Nothing of note happened except that suddenly on the Sunday Shannon made one of those leaps and started saying 'yellow' instead of 'lellow' - I was a bit sad really!
We came home on Monday afternoon with just enough time to get the stuff out of the car and have a snack before taking Shannon to her babysitter and Jade to a farm visit with Rainbows. That was really lovely, particularly because they had a mare and foal which Jade was very excited about.
I had planned to actually get some proper education done with Jade on Tuesday morning while Shannon was at playschool, but my Dad rang and said he had found something wonderful for Jade in a charity shop and please could they bring it over. So instead we did a quick tidy-up and then my Dad and Pat arrived with a fabulous horse barn/stables/horses/jumps kit - all really good quality (Schleich) and bought for about £7!! So then of course there was no chance of her doing anything else other than play with it all for the rest of the day.
Late afternoon on Tuesday, while I was on the phone, Jade came rushing up to me and insisted on speaking to me. "I want to go to school!" she said. Huh? She didn't know what had brought this feeling on. She said she hadn't been talking to L from next door or anyone else about it. She just suddenly wanted to go!! She did use the phrase "I want to be normal and go to school and come back and play with L." Like a starving person unable to think about anything except food, I was very happy at the thought of being able to have time to myself!! I didn't really believe she would persist in wanting to go though. It was too sudden, out of character and not well thought through. After discussing it in the evening, she said she would play pretend schools on Wednesday and see how it went! In fact, she put her old school uniform on (much too small now, of course!) and went to bed in it.
On Wednesday I was at work. Bill reported managing a bit of maths with Jade discussing fractions.
On Thursday morning DH had a half-day off work because I had to be at Stow-on-the-Wold Farmer's Market for 8.30am to set up a Fair Shares stall (recruiting more members). He was supposed to get Shannon to playschool, but was unable to make her get dressed so she didn't go. He rang the wrong person to tell her not to collect Shannon from playschool, so consequently the childminder did have a wasted journey, and I had to take Shannon with us when I took Jade to riding. Ahem. I am making no comment.
In the afternoon, she asked me to play schools with her. As her teacher, I instructed her to write a poem, but instead she chose to write a story. It was so lovely I just have to blog it, but I can't find it at the moment so that will follow sometime.
Later on, during a conversation with L from next door, she suddenly realised that if she went back to her old school, she would be in Year 3 in September and therefore would go upstairs to a different classroom (Years R, 1 and 2 are in one room; Years 3-6 are in another). Cue absolutely floods of tears and much wailing about how she wants to go to her old classroom with her old friends. She was completely distraught for ages and ages. I assumed this would mean the end of her wanting to go to school Put her to bed early.
On Friday we went to visit another HE family to help the older 2 (ages 14 and 16) with a science experiment. They were testing for Vit C levels in fruit. Having done this some extraordinarily long time ago during my degree (okay it was only 10-12 years ago but it seems like forever) they asked me in for some expert assistance. It was a good job I did go because they would never have managed on their own. There were some very difficult (for youngsters) preliminary steps to go through to make up the standard solutions required, and they had no idea how to go about accurately using a pipette. I don't know exactly who the kit was aimed at, but I thought it was not well designed or adequately explained for people without significant science background.
We had lunch there and then rushed back for our hair cuts at home at 3.30pm. To my surprise, another discussion with Jade had her saying she still wants to go to school, even if she does have to go to another classroom. I have said that I will phone the school on Monday morning and see if they have a place and if we can go for a visit. I suggested she should go for a half-day on her own to see how she got on, but she said she wants me to stay! (Doesn't bode well, does it, bearing in mind she does know them all already.) And given more time to reflect on what this might mean, and with her seeming to be serious about it (though I still very much have my doubts once she is there) I really don't want her to go to school. Yes, I am very much in need of some time to myself at home, but that doesn't mean I want her out of the house 5 days a week for 6 hours at a time. I do wish there was more flexibility in the system, so that she could go to a 'learning resource centre' with trained 'facilitators' for a couple of days a week and spend the rest of the time at home. That's what I really want!
On Saturday morning I finally managed to clear enough time and space round myself to finalise our Tax Credit Annual Return, hurrah!!!! This morning we've been to church and the girls have played all afternoon, and tomorrow is Jade's final Rainbows which will be a party. She's going to Brownies in September and L from next door is going too. I am hoping that before too long she'll feel brave enough to just stay with L and not have me stay with her for the entire session too!
We came home on Monday afternoon with just enough time to get the stuff out of the car and have a snack before taking Shannon to her babysitter and Jade to a farm visit with Rainbows. That was really lovely, particularly because they had a mare and foal which Jade was very excited about.
I had planned to actually get some proper education done with Jade on Tuesday morning while Shannon was at playschool, but my Dad rang and said he had found something wonderful for Jade in a charity shop and please could they bring it over. So instead we did a quick tidy-up and then my Dad and Pat arrived with a fabulous horse barn/stables/horses/jumps kit - all really good quality (Schleich) and bought for about £7!! So then of course there was no chance of her doing anything else other than play with it all for the rest of the day.
Late afternoon on Tuesday, while I was on the phone, Jade came rushing up to me and insisted on speaking to me. "I want to go to school!" she said. Huh? She didn't know what had brought this feeling on. She said she hadn't been talking to L from next door or anyone else about it. She just suddenly wanted to go!! She did use the phrase "I want to be normal and go to school and come back and play with L." Like a starving person unable to think about anything except food, I was very happy at the thought of being able to have time to myself!! I didn't really believe she would persist in wanting to go though. It was too sudden, out of character and not well thought through. After discussing it in the evening, she said she would play pretend schools on Wednesday and see how it went! In fact, she put her old school uniform on (much too small now, of course!) and went to bed in it.
On Wednesday I was at work. Bill reported managing a bit of maths with Jade discussing fractions.
On Thursday morning DH had a half-day off work because I had to be at Stow-on-the-Wold Farmer's Market for 8.30am to set up a Fair Shares stall (recruiting more members). He was supposed to get Shannon to playschool, but was unable to make her get dressed so she didn't go. He rang the wrong person to tell her not to collect Shannon from playschool, so consequently the childminder did have a wasted journey, and I had to take Shannon with us when I took Jade to riding. Ahem. I am making no comment.
In the afternoon, she asked me to play schools with her. As her teacher, I instructed her to write a poem, but instead she chose to write a story. It was so lovely I just have to blog it, but I can't find it at the moment so that will follow sometime.
Later on, during a conversation with L from next door, she suddenly realised that if she went back to her old school, she would be in Year 3 in September and therefore would go upstairs to a different classroom (Years R, 1 and 2 are in one room; Years 3-6 are in another). Cue absolutely floods of tears and much wailing about how she wants to go to her old classroom with her old friends. She was completely distraught for ages and ages. I assumed this would mean the end of her wanting to go to school Put her to bed early.
On Friday we went to visit another HE family to help the older 2 (ages 14 and 16) with a science experiment. They were testing for Vit C levels in fruit. Having done this some extraordinarily long time ago during my degree (okay it was only 10-12 years ago but it seems like forever) they asked me in for some expert assistance. It was a good job I did go because they would never have managed on their own. There were some very difficult (for youngsters) preliminary steps to go through to make up the standard solutions required, and they had no idea how to go about accurately using a pipette. I don't know exactly who the kit was aimed at, but I thought it was not well designed or adequately explained for people without significant science background.
We had lunch there and then rushed back for our hair cuts at home at 3.30pm. To my surprise, another discussion with Jade had her saying she still wants to go to school, even if she does have to go to another classroom. I have said that I will phone the school on Monday morning and see if they have a place and if we can go for a visit. I suggested she should go for a half-day on her own to see how she got on, but she said she wants me to stay! (Doesn't bode well, does it, bearing in mind she does know them all already.) And given more time to reflect on what this might mean, and with her seeming to be serious about it (though I still very much have my doubts once she is there) I really don't want her to go to school. Yes, I am very much in need of some time to myself at home, but that doesn't mean I want her out of the house 5 days a week for 6 hours at a time. I do wish there was more flexibility in the system, so that she could go to a 'learning resource centre' with trained 'facilitators' for a couple of days a week and spend the rest of the time at home. That's what I really want!
On Saturday morning I finally managed to clear enough time and space round myself to finalise our Tax Credit Annual Return, hurrah!!!! This morning we've been to church and the girls have played all afternoon, and tomorrow is Jade's final Rainbows which will be a party. She's going to Brownies in September and L from next door is going too. I am hoping that before too long she'll feel brave enough to just stay with L and not have me stay with her for the entire session too!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
HE rant
I feel a bit useless at saying that 3 years into HE and I still haven't settled on what I feel to be a successful and happy approach to HE for our family.
I like what I read about unschooling, but I am not totally convinced either in theory or in practice for us. Maybe I would feel better about it in practice if it was like I read somewhere recently with a quote roughly along the lines of "I started to realise how ridiculous it was to call my son away from designing his own model aeroplane to sit down and do some maths." If I saw plenty of designing, creating or discovering going on here, I might well just go along with it. Instead, what happens when left to their own devices is that Jade either pretends to be a horse or pretends to be riding/grooming/feeding one and Shannon begs to watch DVDs from dawn till dusk. I'm also not convinced about it in theory, because, rightly or wrongly and as someone who had a relatively academic education, I really want my daughters to be able to use grammar and the English language properly, with correct punctuation and spelling, and I want them to learn how to discuss and express their ideas and arguments fully and cogently, and I want them to be able to recognise good science from bad, I'd like them to have the basics of one or two foreign languages and the basics of maths, and how do I know whether, left to themselves, they would take these up to the level that I think they 'should'? It's disheartening when I read other blogs and find that other children her age are doing amazing art work, happily attending language groups, making their own patterns to sew their own clothes and being fascinated by electronics kits. With Jade, the only thing she is fascinated by is horses/ponies, and although I know there are plenty of educational opportunities in there, she WON'T do any of them. She will not make up pony stories, she will not write a pony project, she doesn't want to do anything that would feel to me as though she is doing something productive. She just wants to play at riding ponies and read pony stories and that is it.
With Jade in particular, giving her structured work is a dangerous venture, which has to be approached with the lightest of touches, otherwise sparking off major confrontations and leading to grumpiness and misery for us all. She is significantly resistant to being 'taught' anything, even stuff that she has actually asked to learn. I think perhaps she is incredibly insecure about feeling that she might get things wrong, so only wants to do things which she already feels she can do, and is scared of trying anything new. Her difficult behaviour seems to be part of the selective mutism syndrome, having compared notes with other parents, but she is particularly challenging to parent and I feel quite at sea with her at the moment.
It would be great if I was imaginative and energetic enough to come up with interesting activities and hands-on investigations that were fun and educational, but I feel stretched in too many directions and simply refereeing all the sibling rivalry, hitting and arguing and tantrums wears me out and I have very little left to give. It used to be that a quiet evening and a (relatively) good night's sleep (i.e. one where I only get woken about 2-3 brief times by Shannon) would refresh me and set me up again for the morning, but these days I am sick to death of the arguing and bickering before I've even got out of bed.
Part of me would quite like to throw in the towel and just send Jade to school, and then I'd get that blessed much-longed-for me-time that is so missing at the moment, but I know perfectly well that she wouldn't cope, it would do her much more harm than good and we'd end up in a worse position than we are now. Plus I'd miss what I feel that HE could and should be. I still believe in HE; I just don't feel as though I'm making a very good job of it with this particular child.
I like what I read about unschooling, but I am not totally convinced either in theory or in practice for us. Maybe I would feel better about it in practice if it was like I read somewhere recently with a quote roughly along the lines of "I started to realise how ridiculous it was to call my son away from designing his own model aeroplane to sit down and do some maths." If I saw plenty of designing, creating or discovering going on here, I might well just go along with it. Instead, what happens when left to their own devices is that Jade either pretends to be a horse or pretends to be riding/grooming/feeding one and Shannon begs to watch DVDs from dawn till dusk. I'm also not convinced about it in theory, because, rightly or wrongly and as someone who had a relatively academic education, I really want my daughters to be able to use grammar and the English language properly, with correct punctuation and spelling, and I want them to learn how to discuss and express their ideas and arguments fully and cogently, and I want them to be able to recognise good science from bad, I'd like them to have the basics of one or two foreign languages and the basics of maths, and how do I know whether, left to themselves, they would take these up to the level that I think they 'should'? It's disheartening when I read other blogs and find that other children her age are doing amazing art work, happily attending language groups, making their own patterns to sew their own clothes and being fascinated by electronics kits. With Jade, the only thing she is fascinated by is horses/ponies, and although I know there are plenty of educational opportunities in there, she WON'T do any of them. She will not make up pony stories, she will not write a pony project, she doesn't want to do anything that would feel to me as though she is doing something productive. She just wants to play at riding ponies and read pony stories and that is it.
With Jade in particular, giving her structured work is a dangerous venture, which has to be approached with the lightest of touches, otherwise sparking off major confrontations and leading to grumpiness and misery for us all. She is significantly resistant to being 'taught' anything, even stuff that she has actually asked to learn. I think perhaps she is incredibly insecure about feeling that she might get things wrong, so only wants to do things which she already feels she can do, and is scared of trying anything new. Her difficult behaviour seems to be part of the selective mutism syndrome, having compared notes with other parents, but she is particularly challenging to parent and I feel quite at sea with her at the moment.
It would be great if I was imaginative and energetic enough to come up with interesting activities and hands-on investigations that were fun and educational, but I feel stretched in too many directions and simply refereeing all the sibling rivalry, hitting and arguing and tantrums wears me out and I have very little left to give. It used to be that a quiet evening and a (relatively) good night's sleep (i.e. one where I only get woken about 2-3 brief times by Shannon) would refresh me and set me up again for the morning, but these days I am sick to death of the arguing and bickering before I've even got out of bed.
Part of me would quite like to throw in the towel and just send Jade to school, and then I'd get that blessed much-longed-for me-time that is so missing at the moment, but I know perfectly well that she wouldn't cope, it would do her much more harm than good and we'd end up in a worse position than we are now. Plus I'd miss what I feel that HE could and should be. I still believe in HE; I just don't feel as though I'm making a very good job of it with this particular child.
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