When Jade first went to school in April 2009, we were very uncertain whether she would settle into it or not, but she had asked to go, and we really wanted to see if we could make some progress with her severe social anxiety and selective mutism, in a safe supportive place with trained, committed staff and people whom she could get to know day in day out and learn to trust that nothing bad would happen to her there. She needed to grow her own confidence that she could manage without being with me all the time, and expand the range of people she could be with and hopefully talk to.
We've had major ups and downs in that process, but at the moment things look reasonable. She can talk to her TA usually, though still with some anxiety and not with the complete freedom she talks with at home; she has learned to cope without me being there all the time; she talks to other children on the whole; she can read to her teacher in a small group, and she has answered maths questions in a low voice but enough that the children on her table could hear.
There are still areas of difficulty, obviously. She won't go to Brownies without me, and in fact she's said she doesn't want to go back because it's boring. It's boring because she won't join in any games, and as they play lots of games at Brownies a lot of the time she is sitting at the side with me, just watching. She won't do 'wake and shake' in the playground in the mornings, even at the back where nobody would be watching her because they'll all be facing the front and even though I'm with her and doing it too. She won't go for riding lessons, even though riding is her favourite thing to do. She really wants to be able to canter, despite her fear of doing so, but won't do it in a lesson because she doesn't want to be watched. She can't canter on her loan pony, Lily, because Lily is too strong and would likely gallop off! She won't talk to my Mum any more, or other relatives or any other adults apart from those mentioned and us at home.
Anyway, at the beginning, I urged Jade to try school for a week, and then for a month, and then for a term, and then for the rest of the year. As I've said she's made good progress but still needs to make more, so in our latest discussions of how long to stay at school, we've said she needs to stay till the end of primary, but can be home educated again instead of going to secondary school. She seems happy with this, both about staying at school for 2 more years but also about not having to go after that!
However it's giving me pause for thought on various fronts, and this morning after being woken at about 5.30am by Shannon, I lay awake till 7am worrying and fretting about Jade.
If Jade was normally socially competent, I would not doubt that HE would be best for her. Home education of itself has always seemed vastly superior to me, for the freedom and depth and range of education, and freedom from the excessive peer pressures and attitudes of schoolkids, especially during the tumultuous adolescent stage. Even just thinking about Jade herself, I'm very glad to think about her not being in that pressured, difficult and stressful situation.
But in the small hours of this morning, I saw very clearly the other side of the coin. Adolescence is the time when friendships become extra important, and it is going to be vital that she has at least one or two good, supportive and reliable friends who will be kind about her struggles and difficulties. My worry is partly fuelled by occasionally reading a blog by a teen who struggles with anxiety and selective mutism and who is heading scarily towards anorexia as she struggles massively with her self-image and who she is. I also think back to my own teenage years which were dominated by my own anxiety problems (phobia) and how scarily astray some of my own thinking and views were.
Jade currently has 2 good friends who want to see her out of school time, though there are others at school who seem to like being with her but don't make any attempt to be in touch after school or in the holidays. One girl lives next door, and though she is a kind and good-hearted girl, she is very much a slow learner, and Jade is rude and horrible to her quite often (yes, we do pull her up on it and talk about it and punish her for the worst behaviour but it's taking an awfully long time to change this behaviour/attitude), and I just think that once they outgrow childish games and get into the teenage years, I can't see the friendship continuing strongly. Jade's other friend is herself a bit prone to fiery outbursts, and on Friday lunchtime they fell out in a big way (though Jade has to sit next to her in class all day, since she was deliberately put with a friend to help her in her new class), and she is also one who is in the lowest academic groups in the class and I am worried about the morals and attitudes of the family she comes from and all in all I am not sure that friendship is going to be one that lasts or if it does, I don't really want to encourage it all that much.
Living in such a rural area, there are not many HEors so there is not a strong prospect of good friends in the HE group either. There used to be 3 girls of roughly Jade's age who were HE'd, but she didn't particularly gel with any of them and of course I don't even know if they still are or will continue to be HE'd. Jade has never made any particular friends at church and again in a rural area people come from all over the place so could easily be 15 miles away from us. Once she reaches secondary age, it is really not going to be so straightforward for me to attend groups with her and stay, and unless she is already established in a group by then I can't see her attending on her own.
So I had this scary vision of Jade aged 11+ with no good, trustworthy friends, unable to go to social groups and make new ones, isolated at home, getting less socially confident as the pangs of adolescence strike and ....... urgh!
Add to this, the fact that DH is due to retire in 4 years, his income will probably reduce by half or more, I need/want to study for an MSc over the next 3-4 years so I can become a nutritional therapist and work after he retires and supplement our income, he doesn't want nor would he be very good at being the main educator, if Jade isn't going to school then I bet Shannon wouldn't want to stay either, and I won't be able to study properly if they're both at home all the time, and I just don't see how it's all going to work.
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6 comments:
Why don't you do some of the secondary school open mornings this term, then if she expresses a willingness to try secondary you and she can both do the open mornings/evenings next autumn prior to choosing. You will be more aware of the format and hence more relaxed and maybe she'll be happier too? I think what you're saying is that a good secondary may be better for her. I might agree as HE is harder if you're not outgoing or with strong local friendships. It's still 2 years away so lay plans down and research for either option. If you look at the progress over the past year, there's no reason why the next two can't also show great strides. Love and thoughts as always xx
Why don't you do some of the secondary school open mornings this term, then if she expresses a willingness to try secondary you and she can both do the open mornings/evenings next autumn prior to choosing. You will be more aware of the format and hence more relaxed and maybe she'll be happier too? I think what you're saying is that a good secondary may be better for her. I might agree as HE is harder if you're not outgoing or with strong local friendships. It's still 2 years away so lay plans down and research for either option. If you look at the progress over the past year, there's no reason why the next two can't also show great strides. Love and thoughts as always xx
Twice now! Easier if I forget about signing in with the blogger id.
I totally appreciate your thinking on this one but wanted to chuck in my own perspective. I was *desperate* for a best friend or a couple of friends throughout my school career, in every book I read there were BFF pairings, on every TV and it seemed like everyone else in the world had a best mate while I didn't. For me that yearning, never satisfied and therefore longed for all the more was even worse for being around other people. There's that saying about there being no lonelier place than a crowd...
I don't doubt school can be a great place for meeting and making friends - a ready made group of potential mates but it certainly can't be relied on to provide them. I'd go with your gut instinct on this and while it can certainly go on the pro side of the list for and against school vs HE it could also go on the other side too.
Mich's idea of some open mornings is a good one.
Hugs Jo - early morning thoughts can often give a particularly dark view though. I think I would try to take things a step at a time. I would also consider the future possibilities offered by online friendships and pen-pals - seriously, I have friends I chat to every day and I've never even met half of them but they give me so much warmth and friendship.
And if you are going to continue to read the blog that you referred to, it could be that you're going to have to get some distance on it and not make that direct connection with Jade. And find some more positive blogs or stories to balance it with maybe.
It may be worth trying the secondary school open mornings, since they are there, but if that doesn't come to anything, I think there will still be options that you can't even know yet, but time will show you.
xxx Ali
Wise words from Ali xxx Do you have any SM HE contacts with older children? I ask because I met one yesterday, lol - could put you in touch if you wanted to talk through some of your concerns with a mum of a 12 year old HEd girl with SM.
Also, do some open days at secondary schools, just so you feel you are making as informed a decision as possible.
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