The school thing

Back in July you may remember I blogged about Jade saying she wanted to go to school. And then I blogged here about how there wasn't a place, and I was relieved.

Well, she has continued to say she wants to go. I have tried asking her why, but she never had a clear answer. And, to be honest, I do feel that though HE is best for Jade, it's not best for me. I really am struggling with the lack of time and space for myself and my own needs and interests. And I do think it would be good for her in one very important way. She has very specific needs for help to reduce her anxiety in social situations and improve her ability to talk to people. This simply is not going to happen of its own accord. It's basically a phobia, and as with any fear, avoidance of the feared situation only strengthens the problem. She really needs a structured intervention programme with people she sees really frequently so she can become very familiar with them and learn that it is not scary to be sociable and talk. And although we have tried to set up situations within the parameters we have at the moment, it has proved to be very difficult when you are talking about asking people who are volunteers and who have made a weekly commitment to some activity to significantly increase their involvement and come to our house 2 or 3 times per week for a while to help Jade get comfortable, and then to take over that process helping her to get comfortable with other people. It's a lot to ask, and there are only a few people with the right qualities who would be good at doing it anyway. So, at least in that specific way, school (with support, help and special measures put into place) would be good for Jade at least for the short term. I've had sleepless nights worrying about her social anxiety and her inability to join in with activities or even talk to anyone outside our house. It is a fact that people who have carried selective mutism into their adult lives have suffered a lot of social isolation, anxiety and depression as a result, and as I was a child with a lot of anxiety which led to depression and sometimes feeling suicidal I am desperately scared that she might end up going down that road. So, for those reasons, we are considering sending her to school even if it's only a relatively temporary thing to really help her move forward socially. I don't envision her going to secondary school - I hope she doesn't want to. I do hope that she can enjoy maybe a year (or more if she wants) at primary school to really get over this fear.

If Jade does go to school in September, we would probably send Shannon as well who would be of the age to enter Reception then. Shannon is a very sociable happy child who really loves playschool and seeing her friends and has said quite clearly that she would miss not seeing them most days. She is also fairly robust and will be able to cope well, I think, with the classroom environment. I do have some anxieties about sending one so young into 'the system' but we would keep a close eye on her as to how she was faring, of course. Then I could spend some time achieving some of the things that have been on hold for the past 7+ years, e.g. further nutrition study and, I would hope, having an utter and complete blitz on the house and sorting out organisation and storage solutions and decluttering so that if/when we did HE again the systems would be in place for it all to run more smoothly. I know many people can manage go organise their houses and get systems in place while their children are at home, but it has become clear that I just can't! I need quiet time and space to get it done.

The question then arises, which school? Jade originally only wanted to go back to Longborough School where she went 3 afternoons per week in Year 1. But they still don't officially have a place. However I wanted to talk to them in more detail because I wasn't sure which year they were talking about putting her into, and I wanted to explore all the options. So we went to visit and talk to the (new) Headteacher last week. They would put her into her correct year (Yr 4 in Sept) but they don't have a space officially (8 pupils in each year!). However there is physically room in the classroom because Years 3-6 share a classroom and some of the older classes have less than their allocated number of pupils. So it seems that we could make a special application to the Local Authority and ask whether Jade could have special permission to attend. This would have to be based on special needs and any other criteria we could think of, and it's not certain that they would agree. But they might! And I do know they are lovely there - it's just a gorgeous little school and I think they would help Jade as much as they possibly could, whether that meant starting part-time or a parent staying with her a bit and getting the correct SEN funding for a support assistant etc. However it is a 2-mile journey which would mean always driving there and back (no, there really isn't any way we could be up early enough in the morning to walk there!), and the friends that she makes there do not live in Moreton and therefore she would always have to be driven to playdates etc.

Jade was as usual quite uncomfortable in that situation and didn't want to go into the classrooms to look, as she didn't want everybody looking at her. She hid behind Bill most of the time and was fairly stiff and awkward-looking. However in the older classroom, where her ex-classmates now are, one of them came over to see her and held her hand, which was really sweet, and a few others in both classrooms called her name and were pleased to see her.

Later in the evening I asked her how she felt about it now, and she said she wasn't so sure as before we had visited. So I asked what things does she picture in her mind when she thinks about going to school that make her want to go. And she said it was "seeing her friends". So I asked whether, if we arranged for her friends to come and play say once a month or so, she would still want to go to school, and she said no. Hmm.

That left us feeling in a bit of a dilemma, because although we do have fears and reservations about the school system, for the reasons connected with her anxiety and selective mutism we do think it might be a good idea for her to go, at least for a while. And, if we did put both girls into Longborough School and then Jade pulls out again, we might well be left with Shannon still wanting to go because she would think it's fun and having to trek her over to Longborough every day. Whereas Shannon's existing friends will be going to school in Moreton, and it's bigger and she would have a bigger group of kids to pick friends from. It would be much easier because it's a 5 minute walk, and friends could pick up/drop off for us if we needed to etc. In a nutshell, it seemed that Longborough might be best for Jade but Moreton best for Shannon.

Anyway, none of us knew whether Jade would know any of the children in the class at Moreton school, so I decided that at least on information-gathering grounds we would go and have a look and see who was there. And we've been this afternoon, and sure enough there are at least 2 or 3 children in each class who Jade knows and likes either because they are neighbours or she knows them from Brownies. And on the way home, Jade said she wanted to go there.

At Moreton, they take 45 children into each year. In the Reception class, they are all in two adjoining rooms, 1 teacher and 3 classroom assistants, so broken down it's not a bad ratio. In the older years, they combine years 1&2, years 3&4 and years 5&6 so that they have 90 children over the 2 years, and split them into 3 classes with 30 in each class. There are normally 2 staff (1 teacher, 1 assistant) in each class. And of course Jade would probably have a special support assistant allocated to her at least part of the time.

Other parents of SM children I have been in touch with have said it is not the size of the class or the school that is important in helping the SM child, but purely the commitment and understanding of the individual staff and how well they put into place the provisions for helping the child to get better.

I think we need to give this a try, because it is so so important for Jade's future that she learns that social interaction is not as scary as she thinks and so that she takes big steps to overcome the selective mutism which is by far more easily done in a school environment than outside it. The question is, which school to go for? On the assumption that Shannon will love it and want to stay even if we take Jade out, and on the grounds that we wouldn't have to fight for a place there, and because Jade says she would like to go, we would opt for Moreton. But I am happier about envisaging Jade at Longborough because I think they will have more flexibility about accommodating her special needs and because she is always happier the smaller the group of people she is with.

I truly do hope this is only a temporary situation, because I still love and value HE and believe that in many ways it is the better option, and certainly I cannot envisage for the life of me my babies going into the savage world that is secondary school, but I also admit that I would be feeling at least partly blissful at having time and space for ME!