School Part 1

It's been a stressful few days. I took Jade to visit her class on Thursday morning, prior to proper enrolment and it was hard going. She of course was withdrawn, very overwhelmed by all the people and the new routine. She got worse over the 2 hours we were there and by the end wouldn't even write her name on a piece of paper. We left the classroom for a bit of respite at one point and she couldn't/wouldn't tell me how she was feeling, but she was on the verge of tears. However she was very interested in all the displays on the walls and we spent some time browsing them and she whispered to me about the things she saw. The final straw was when the teacher asked to speak to me outside the room for a few minutes, and when I went back in Jade was in tears.

I was absolutely kicking myself for not having arranged a visit earlier so she could see what she was letting herself in for. I was overwhelmed by my own anxieties about this not working, and what that might do to her confidence. It seemed just ridiculous to me to expect her in any way to be able to settle in a classroom with 25 other kids and 2 adults when I haven't yet ever left her at Brownies with 9 other girls or at the junior church group with about 4-5 other kids. I was wishing we had made diligent, structured efforts to achieve those hurdles before we set ourselves at this massive goal. At this stage we're not even dealing with selective mutism, but rather with social anxiety and separation anxiety. And I don't have a manual on how to deal with those.

However, we bore in mind that on previous occasions she has had a big reaction to something at the time, and then over the course of the next 12-24 hours has reconsidered her feelings and been able to do the thing she had been refusing to do. So Bill talked to her and she agreed to give it one more try, and later on I talked to her and said how I always hated at least the first month of any new job, because everything was so strange, and you don't know the people, and it's all unfamiliar and you feel uncomfortable, but gradually you get used to it and start to settle in. So she agreed to try it for a month. And the following day she was quite happy to go to the school to buy her official school top with the logo on it, wore it away from the school and didn't want to take it off for ages. She still talked occasionally proudly about 'her' school and was quite happy to give it another go. It gave me an extremely stressful few days, though, and I was feeling completely wretched about the whole thing.

This morning she has quite happily gone into school with me for her first 'proper' morning. She was happily laying out her uniform last night and very keen to look just right, and she agreed that she would try and do the actual work the teacher was asking her to do, and not to sit on my knee during carpet time (or whatever they call it!) but to sit next to me instead. We are going to have to take these tiny steps towards separating from me. She was extremely slow to write anything that she was asked to, and hasn't actually produced any written work, but has written down the question she was going to answer, and her name and date on a couple of exercise books. We've spent a lot of time in a big group with the teacher talking and involving the class in discussion, which of course she won't take part in, and also in a small group of 5 talking about non-fiction books, during which she whispered her answers to me and I told them to the rest of the group.

Whenever it's been appropriate and without boring her rigid with it, I've been talking with her about self-calming tactics like taking 3 deep breaths, telling yourself calming thoughts, and imagining that she is a big strong animal rather than a nervous little girl. I've been looking online for child anxiety management resources and found a couple of interesting looking things that I will probably get once we're into a new month with new salary in the bank. And tomorrow (Tuesday) her class teacher and myself will be in London on a one-day training course on SM. Hopefully this will prevent any future occurrences of the teacher asking Jade in front of the group to answer a question with a nod or a shake of the head. She of course did neither as it was far too much in the spotlight for her.

During my reading up on anxiety management I have been reminded that avoidance of a feared situation just strengthens and strengthens the fear, so helping her to face up to what she fears and to find ways of reducing the anxiety it provokes is the way to go, rather than pulling out and avoiding the situation again. I do still wonder whether we have bitten off rather more than she can chew and maybe there are some children who are never going to cope happily with a school environment and as long as she can be helped to join in smaller groups with less pressure/expectation but still without a parent present that ought to be good enough. So we shall see.

Having spent some time in the classroom now I would love to read John Taylor Gatto about the hidden curriculum of the classroom, to see whether that is really what I see happening there. Certainly I can see some children being subjected to a certain amount of embarrassment and anxiety, although in the midst of lots of positive and interesting stuff too.

Anyway I should be in bed now as I have to be up at 6am so that'll have to do for now.