Melrose and more

I'm feeling tired and a bit fragile after Melrose and the 9-hour journey home yesterday (punctuated by stops at Tebay services and then, unexpectedly, at Anni's where we had yummy fish and chips). I suspect today is going to be a very lazy day - in fact it already is, as it is 11.30am and the girls have done nothing but watch TV/DVDs while I loll about doing not much, and none of us is even dressed yet. Well, that's not completely true - Shannon is dressed, but only because she was transferred sleeping from the car to her bed last night so is still wearing yesterday's dress.

(Later)

Well, today's ended up being even lazier than I had thought - I got a bad stomach-ache around about lunchtime which has lasted all afternoon. In fact I had stomach-ache on the drive home yesterday - feared 'the bug' obviously, but by the time I got home it was much better. I suspect it is a version of my 'seized-up stomach' that I get every now and then when my stomach motility seems to completely cease and everything just sits there like a big stone inside me - though this time it is rather more painful than usual. This meant that I still haven't got the car emptied and have done nothing but lie around all afternoon trying to feel comfortable somehow while plying the kids with DVDs and TV. I called Bill and he came home early to help out.

Anyway, back to Melrose. Jade found it very difficult. I think it may have had a lot to do with not having stayed overnight with someone beforehand to bond strongly with at least one child before she got there. We had planned to stay with Anni but the quarantine period from Shannon's 'D' episodes on Friday morning put a stop to that. So we arrived on Sunday evening, had dinner, unpacked and then I put the girls to bed. Monday's plans changed suddenly when we went down to the kitchen at about 8am to get me a cup of tea and breakfast for Jade, and Shannon seemed to get something caught in her throat, coughed a bit, and then threw up all over the kitchen floor. It was difficult to know what it was - she had had these couple of episodes of 'd' on Friday, but the last one was lunchtime on Friday and so this was therefore about 68 hours later... and it did look more like she just choked a little on something which made her 'v' - but nevertheless we decided to quarantine ourselves in our room for 24 hours at least, to see what happened. She appeared to be in the best of health all day, so we went out shopping in Galashiels for a while for a change of scene. Nothing else untoward happened so by agreement with others we declared it probably to have been a false alarm and resumed normal activities on Tuesday. I do really and truly hope we didn't cause the outbreak of d and v that ended up spreading around - as a lifelong emetophobic I know how much I dread us catching stuff like that and I would never knowingly expose anyone else. We really had tried to take every precaution, and unless the quarantine period from the 'd' should have been longer than 48 hours I don't see what else we could have done. And maybe it wasn't us anyway.

But, back to Jade. I know she talked to Aprilia, and played with her a little in our room. Apart from that, I think she only played on her own or stayed with me and Shannon. She was much more reluctant to talk to anybody or join in with things than last year, and I was quite disappointed because she's made progress at home - speaking in front of visitors to the house - and I'd hoped we'd see her join in more with the others. But it is such a big leap to go from that to a whole hostel full of happy kids going round in groups and she just couldn't manage it this time. By the end of Wednesday, on top of all the anxiety about the illness going round, which probably made everything else seem a lot worse, I felt quite upset about how 'disabled' she really is. It's obviously not just selective mutism - it's not all about talking - it's major social anxiety as well. Last week we were busily filling in the forms to apply for Disability Living Allowance (on the advice of the psychiatrist) but I was feeling a bit guilty about it as, in her own home and with familiar routines and obviously being home-educated, we don't notice her problems as much as perhaps we otherwise would. But the time at Melrose really showed her up in extremely stark contrast to what other children her age do, and I really did end the time there feeling she really is disabled. It's so hard to see your child struggling in a major way with things that everyone else finds so straightforward. It's hard to see her not joining in, not playing, not talking and laughing with other kids. She couldn't even go to the toilets without me, and although she could spend a little time in the common room on her own, it wasn't long before she came to find me.

She watched the music session with interest, and asked me to go and fetch her recorder, but wouldn't join in (she just wanted to prove to everyone that she had one too, I think). But at the end she expressed interest in the cello played by Anna, and said she wanted one. I asked Anna if she would show it to Jade, and she was very happy to do so, but unfortunately the audience of other interested kids meant Jade would only hide behind me and refused to sit and have a go, even if she was sitting on my knee. On getting home she still says she wants a cello. I could hire one from the County Music service, but I see little point in doing so without her taking lessons, and it's going to take a lot of work to persuade her to even try to do so.

Shannon didn't show her best side either. At home, she's full of cuteness, laughter, giggles, funny faces and dancing. At Melrose, she seemed to mostly just scream with rage because Jade went in front of her, or opened the door first, or they wanted the same toy, or something else.

So what with the pain of watching Jade struggle so much, and the fact that it stresses me out having her almost glued to my side all the time, and Shannon's screaming and wailing, and the creeping vomit-fest, I opted to leave a day early. I'm very glad I did so, but apologies to those who stayed till the end and did all the cleaning. I think I was one of the last few there last year, though, doing a fair bit of it, so I won't cripple myself with guilt over it.

At the moment, I don't think I would go to Melrose again. Jade will have to be an awful lot better socially for it to be worth me braving the stomach-bug risk again, I think.