Ramblings

Firstly, a big thank-you (in an awed 'how-does-she-do-it' tone of voice) must go to Nic for being such a fabulous camp organiser, chef, hostess and everything else. My first NicCamps experience had its highs and lows for me but I'm glad I went, and certainly the girls had a great time. For me, Wednesday was the best day, when everybody went to the beach, where the kids had a fabulous time and I enjoyed sitting in November sunshine, eating chips and chatting. It was lovely.

I don't shine in groups, though, as I do much better in one-to-one or very small group situations, once I've got to know people well and can trust them, and I do feel very self-conscious about being quiet and feeling not fully integrated into the group. I'm not good at being funny or joining in lively banter, and I so envy those that are. I'm not a quick thinker; I am a deep thinker, and that takes time! So I feel a bit out of place in the evening chats, not to mention that I am always tired and longing to go to bed by about 10pm!!

On Tuesday I promised to take Jade swimming, as Tuesday is our normal swimming afternoon and she was longing to go. So we missed the walk which sounds as though it was great fun, although it would probably have been difficult as both of my girls would have wanted carrying after about 15 minutes. Instead we drove off to find a swimming pool. Nic directed me to two - the first one I found quite easily but it was shut for staff training followed by lessons; the second one I couldn't find, despite clear directions. (It turned out to have been only about 20 yards further on than the place where I turned round and went back.) So we ended up on Shoreham beach, but without coats, so we didn't stay long. Despite that, Jade had a fabulous time jumping the little waves for about 5 or 10 minutes, and then 5 minutes in the nearby park, and then I was too cold and insisted we went back to the hostel.

I was tired on Thursday, having tried to put on a better show and stay up till midnight the night before. It does not suit me, when Shannon is still waking several times per night. If I had 7 hours straight I would probably be OK, but as it was I was tired and grumpy on Thursday morning The kids' cabaret was fantastic, though - I loved, loved, loved it! After that I thought it would just be hanging around the hostel until the party at 4pm. So it was a big surprise to me when the place pretty much emptied at 2pm and people disappeared off in all directions apart from those staying to prepare the party. So I disappeared to my room, with accompanying girls, of course, who got busy on a computer CD-Rom while I dozed or read my magazine. At 3pm Jade reminded me that I'd promised we could go out and get some strawberries for her, so we went down to the supermarket, wandered around a bit, got some strawberries, and some new pyjamas for me (I only had one complete pair of pyjamas and I bought them when pregnant with Benjamin!!) and then back for the party. Which was fabulous. And extremely well organised!! And great fun for everyone, I think, even Jade who does not like joining in party games. I was impressed that she had a go at the 'acting out the phrase on a Love Heart' game, with my help.

Took the slow way home on Friday, firstly going to visit some old friends, a retired couple who used to live in Stratford-on-Avon, who I absolutely adore and it was fabulous to see them for the first time in about 4 years. Then on to my Mum's in Alton to pick up the dog. We left there about 4pm and called in to see Bill at work in Oxford on the way home. We eventually got home at 7pm, though Shannon had slept in the car at lunchtime so neither of them went to bed till about 10pm.

Today has been rather gloomy at home with various pressures and strains rising to the surface and not being dealt with very well. The word 'congruence' keeps coming to mind, which apart from its maths usage is the psychological term for being integrated inwardly and outwardly, i.e. what you feel inside is the way you behave outwardly. I'm not good at it. Actually I'm rambling, but I'm bloody miserable so I can't think straight. I'd better stop.