Losing it...

I just feel like I have not got a grip on anything. I am juggling too many balls in the air and they're starting to come crashing down. The house is a tip; we're not doing proper HE because first of all I need to read the instructions on how to do the Miquon, Handwriting without Tears, Reading Reflex and I haven't got time or the mental energy; whenever Tamsin asks to do something I say "not right now, I've just got to ....." (insert next most urgent task that's been waiting for days and really *has* to be done now); Isabelle is waking several times a night and I cannot get my head round how to night-wean her without it being a terrible ordeal (she still won't take any kind of cup or bottle); I cannot seem to stick to any of the boundaries I set for myself or Tamsin like less TV or less computer because I give in as soon as I have a weak moment (very often); Tamsin has taken to shouting or snapping back at me and it's only because I do it to her so often; ..... I could go on about all the other things that are pressing in on me .... but I'm too tired. AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

A perfect heart

.... is what Isabelle has got, thank God! Not that we had much doubt about it, but it was good to check. Finally today, after appointments, cancelled appointments, changed appointments, missed appointments which we didn't know about and rescheduled appointments, we got an ECG and echo on Isabelle's heart, just to make sure. We did the same with Tamsin too, when she was a baby. It's good to know there are no little surprises lurking there for the future.

Sonlight is going well. Tamsin pounced on Berenstain Bears book of Science and Nature, and we're well into the seasons at the moment. She's had a go at making animals with her pattern blocks, and proved today that she definitely can decode some three-letter cvc words. With no pictures or other clues, this afternoon she read 'cat', 'leg', 'mat' and 'bed' and, with a little help, 'milk' and 'book'. She was delighted with herself, but still says she doesn't want to learn to read ..... okaaaay!

Hooray!

Sonlight package arrived today!!! Very exciting - lovely books. I think we'll have fun with this.

Happy Anniversary

to me and Bill. 15 years ago we got married on an absolutely wonderful day in Stratford-on-Avon, followed by the most beautiful outdoor reception at the Mill at Harvington. Those with more time (I'm just about to put the kids to bed) and lyrical ability with words would insert a romantic description of the day, the dress and all those little stories that go to make up a happy wedding day, including the 'rollers stuck in the hair' bedtime fun that we had ..... but you'll either have to beg me to tell you all about it when I've got more time, or use your imaginations ....

Anyway, I may be a bit scarce this evening. Got celebratin' to do, y'know!!!

On other news, the second day of attempting to get Isabelle used to a little formula milk to aid in the night-weaning process has not gone well. Yesterday she just refused to taste it, today she tasted it and gagged. Hmm, will keep trying, but am not confident!

Yesterday

was not good. Well, the morning was OK as I had to go into work for an hour to meet some people, took the kids in with me and all was fine. It was market day as well, so on the way back we mooched, had ice-cream and paid in some cheques that had been waiting for ages to go in. (Most of it my birthday money - I love having a bit of money to spend and musing over what to buy for *myself*!)

Got home and had lunch, and then, as per usual, I was sooooo tired that I just couldn't motivate myself to anything. Didn't want to move, didn't want to interact with Tamsin's incessant chatter. So I resorted to Nick Jr for Tamsin and bed for me and Isabelle, in the hope that Isabelle would nap. She didn't. I dragged myself up again and failed to do anything productive or interesting with the girls. Decided a trip to Tesco would be the highlight of our day, so did a big shop and had to threaten never to bring Tamsin shopping again if she continued to behave the way she was. Isabelle fell apart with tiredness while I was cooking dinner (late, at around 6.30pm) so I put her to bed, Tamsin and I ate, Bill came in just as we were finishing off and I then went into 'brain switched off' mode and stared at the computer for an hour or two. Never got round to making the decision to take Tamsin to bed until I couldn't stay awake any longer myself, so around 9pm we went upstairs, never to be seen again.

Last night's waking tally is difficult to recall in the fuzziness of sleep. I remember trying hard to compute how many times it was and to force my tired brain into remembering the number, but obviously it didn't work. I know that after being put to bed at 6.30pm, she woke up at 8pm, 10pm and 11pm and then there were at least two or three more wakings during my sleep time. Plus two wakings by Tamsin. Humph, this is getting old very quickly.

Last night's waking tally:-

5 times by Isabelle
Twice by Tamsin

(Yawn) No wonder I'm fit for nothing this afternoon.

Stressful day

Had an argument with Bill as he left for work this morning (since resolved, I think); my Mum came for a couple of hours to drop off the dog (who she'd had for a few days while we were away) and took *huge* offence because Tamsin frowned at her (shock, horror!) and even worse, later on, said "Don't be silly!" to her. I thought my mother was about to spontaneously combust or something ..... She is just so quick to take offence and get angry but can't stand it if anyone dares to get cross with her... anyway, I'm not going to waste any more bandwidth on her.

Then I had to do a desperately urgent search for some papers needed for Playschool - thankfully found them! Then off to a Playschool committee meeting of which I am Chair, so I got landed with the job of phoning a parent to chase up some outstanding money. Was worried she might let rip at me, and as she wasn't answering her phone this afternoon it was hanging over me for ages. Fortunately when I did speak to her she was just apologetic.

So, today's had more than its fair share of minor stresses. But it's also had some positive touches. Managed to keep the TV off for most of the day, and had some good one-on-one time with Tamsin, doing jigsaw puzzles, train track, counting money, drawing (some lovely pics of the family, including dog!) and so on. Was very aware that I had been intending to start more serious HE stuff today, but I still haven't got half the Sonlight stuff and haven't prepared the other things, so decided to wait another week.

Now have just got to go and catch up on the 5 months of finances I haven't done .....

In my defence:

... we were away at Greenbelt for the Bank Holiday weekend (Friday till Tuesday), emptied the caravan on Wednesday, went north to Teesside on Thursday to visit Bill's Dad and got home late on Friday, had a full day out with friends to Moreton-in-Marsh Show on Saturday and been out at church all morning - so not much time to get things straight!

I feel it's time I blogged about Isabelle, now she is 10 months old. She's still not mobile - her attempts to crawl pretty much stopped when she learned to sit - but she does love standing up (supported). She pretty much forces us to help her stand whenever she can. She's not quite safe enough to leave hanging onto something, but she's nearly there. Last Saturday at Greenbelt she spontaneously started walking while being held up, so that was fun! She absolutely loves pressing buttons, being in the bath, and blowing little bubbles. She loves a little game we have where she will vocalise something and I will copy, then she changes the pitch or the sound a little and waits for me to follow suit, over and over again! She is quite keen on food, although doesn't take much at each sitting. I usually give her a portion of whatever we are eating, as long as it is suitable, otherwise just the veg, and she pretty much feeds herself as it is all finger food.

Temperamentally she is very laid back, easy going and happy. Her beaming smile is bestowed upon many people, although lately she has taken more to seriously studying faces before eventually relaxing into the big grin. She takes life at an easy pace, not rushing to reach her milestones (!) ... who knows, maybe she is as tired as I am seeing as she wakes several times a night - I am determined tonight to try and count exactly how many. I remarked to a friend this morning that I thought she was waking me about 6 times per night - "well, that's better than the 14 times Tamsin used to wake you," she said, "I used to wonder if there was any point in you actually going to bed!" I'd forgotten about that. I am thankful for small mercies! But still want to get Isabelle used to a bottle so that I can water it down at night to night-wean her.

Oh, and my plan was to start HE properly tomorrow, seeing as Tamsin would have been starting Reception. But having had such a manic week I don't feel ready in any way. I plan to use Sonlight Pre-K (and some of it hasn't arrived yet), Miquon maths, Handwriting without Tears, and Reading Reflex as the main backbone of our stuff with bits and pieces added day to day as interests arise. But I haven't got my head round it all yet, so maybe it'll have to be next week.

In solidarity with Jax

Perhaps there could be a blog award for 'messiest living room' or something ... Here's my entry:






And that's 'after' I have done some tidying up - I did the table and was working on the pile by the chair when I started to feel quite ill and had to stop. (Recuperating at the computer!). The rest of the house is just as bad.

Back from Greenbelt

It was great. I love it. There's just nowhere else in the world I feel more at home. The blend of people with a spiritual worldview, not dogmatic but willing to ask and explore all kinds of questions about their faith or lack of it; music of all types (Christian hip hop/rap/funk anybody?) mostly very loud; art of every description all round the site; great food stalls, clothes stalls and all sorts of other shopping opportunities; and great speakers discussing issues of poverty, justice, ecology, radical action and humour .... there's just nothing like it anywhere else!

It was lovely to see Jan and Jonathan and the girls and to meet baby J! Jan and I had one evening together when we wandered down to the village with her baby to calm him down and get him to sleep (yes, it worked) and I left my kids in the caravan with Bill, so that was nice and relaxing.

Tamsin had a good time, with lots of time on the bouncy castles, lots of ice-creams and even a session where she was happy to be left in one of the very carefully supervised kids' areas playing with train track (what else?!) while I went off elsewhere. Isabelle doesn't mind where she is, of course! Bill chilled, and we all had a good time together. Except that we confirmed that our caravan is not big enough for 4! On the way home, we stopped off at a caravan dealers and drooled over the cheapest 4- or 5- berth caravans they had, which at £5-6000 and 7-10 years old were still light years ahead of ours and amazingly well-equipped. Not that we can afford 5 grand, but it's given us something else to dream about, anyway!

The whole experience still hasn't taught Isabelle to sleep any better, though, although Jan did give me night-weaning tips which will take a bit of work to implement but I hope to aim towards. Anyway, I hear her murmuring again so I'd better go!

My favourite weekend of the year...

...is just approaching. (Hmm, at this point, 10.30pm, Isabelle woke for the 3rd time since 7.30pm bedtime and I gave up and went to bed.)

Resuming the following morning:
We're off to Greenbelt today! I love it! It is the place in the world where I feel most at home. The spirituality, the music, the people, the non-mainstream feel, the food, the kids' activities, the outdoors-ness - it's fantastic!

So, I should have been madly packing yesterday afternoon and evening, but got precious little done. We always intend to leave mid-morning to get there by lunchtime (it's only in Cheltenham so not far) but are always late, and almost certainly will be this time too. We're going to be 'Stepping off the Path' with J 'n' J too!

There is a small chance that I may be able to blog while there, if I can remember my Blogger password, but otherwise, I'll be back on Tuesday!

Feeling nicely fuzzy.....

after a *very* large glass of Baileys. Definitely not one of my better birthdays. Been in a foul mood all day. Sobbed in the shower after blogging this morning. Half-way through the morning I decided to sod work and indulge in my second-favourite form of therapy: retail. (Favourite therapy being sleep!) Took kids to Stratford and spent over £40 in Boots .... various bits and pieces but sorted out a few problems i.e. replaced my lost tweezers so can now get eyebrows into shape, and bought some waxing strips to use with the home-made sugaring solution I made months ago.

Then came home and a quick change of clothes to go to my friend Kate's eldest daughter's 6th birthday party. I got a small fairy cake with a candle in it while they sang Happy Birthday to me, as well as Daisy. Tamsin was not in party mood - she refused to take part in any games or indeed to play with any other children although she knows many of them very well - she just kept asking me to play with her. Probably she's feeling my 'go away' vibes and it's making her feel insecure.... One of the major things that's been making me feel so weepy is that I am so fed up with her wanting 'mummymilk' every couple of hours throughout the day and I want to wean her, but am worried about inflicting a major emotional wound. Maybe it's the only one of her persistent demands that I feel I can change. Maybe I should find something else to change so that I find her demands easier to cope with. I don't know. I just know I feel very conflicted about it all.

Anyway, I'm just waiting for Bill to get home with a huge Chinese takeaway ... thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes!

Happy Birthday to Me!

Or maybe not .... I am feeling distinctly ropey. Feel sick as a hangover of getting travel-sick on a train on Monday, feel weepy, cried myself to sleep last night, and am fed-up of highly demanding children. Bill is working, as am I later. Hohum. Must get a grip!

Hooray, and yikes!

Hooray, because after 2-3 years of wishing something like this would happen, at last I have found a gaggle of local girls who like coming round to play with Tamsin and the dog. There are three 11-year olds who live on our road who this week have been dropping in every day to walk the dog and then play with the girls, which has been nice. The 'yikes' bit is that a couple of times Tamsin has gone out with them for a walk, without me. They've stayed on the estate, and only been gone a max of half-an-hour, but it's still kind of scary. They're really nice, sensible girls, though. Comments please - would you let your 4-year old go out with 11-year olds unsupervised?

Isabelle wakes ..... must go!

Who would have thought ...!

... that chickens like chasing butterflies! It's the funniest thing to see. I hope none of you ever, ever buy anything from a battery-farmed chicken - it has got to be one of the cruellest things ever. To cage up such funny, characterful birds is criminal. Make a free-range only pledge now!

Not much going on...

I've been really tired today, after a particularly disturbed night with Isabelle. I really must get her used to being settled without a boob in her mouth. The strange thing is, she will fall asleep first thing at bedtime without it, but during the night she won't accept anything else. And, I'm starting to think about some work stuff I might do in the evenings, so I need to be able to go out for the evening knowing she isn't screaming for me.

So, there's not been much happening today except plenty of TV watching, some playing in the sandpit, a walk into town for a UK wall-map (for the postcard exchange) when I also bought myself 4 books (oops!) and, of course, the Brio train track.

The work thing is giving me something to think about. I have signed up with Usborne, and some of the paperwork came today, although not the books. It was just too good a deal to miss - for August only, £200 worth of kit for £38. I'm trying to decide how much of a thing to make of it, although the competitive side of my nature is coming out now I see the 'quick start' targets they encourage you to reach. The other possibility is a franchise for a seemingly really good, healthy and sensible weight loss company. And as nutrition is my 'thing', I'm tempted. But not sure I can take on that much of a commitment just now. Still mulling it over, anyway.

Festival of History

It was a very interesting day, with almost too much going on, as I hate feeling I'm missing stuff! I think it was useful for Tamsin, although I'm sure it's all quite confused in her mind. However she's been introduced to knights and jousting, archery, the concept of living without electricity, television or computers; houses made of wattle and wood like those that burned in the Great Fire of London (which story we've read several more times recently!) and much else. We also did meet Margaret and her triplet girls so it's nice to put another face to a name.

I don't think I've ever mentioned that I am a complete history ignoramus. I got chucked out of History 'O' Level after the mock exams when it was clear I was going to completely fail, and I've just never got the hang of kings and queens, what on earth were Tudors and Stuarts, and phrases such as 'Norman Conquest' and 'the Restoration' have just been empty words to me. Seeing as I'm going to have to educate Tamsin, though, I have been feeling that I really must fill in the huge gaps in my knowledge, and last week with Bill's help I found some simple children's history books in the Library and have been reading. It's really interesting to feel it all beginning to come together, and to get a general overview of the history of my own country which I've never had. I don't think I'll ever become a big history buff, but at least I should get the basics into place!

A little bit more

... reading. All enthusiastic about what happened the other day, I have been encouraging Tamsin to decode more three letter words (cvc) and she's doing pretty well. I've also done some 'whole word' stuff with her by printing out names to stick on things (wall, door, computer, television etc) and also by having big printed words of verbs (dance, walk, stand), showing them to her and telling her what they are, and then doing a flashcard type of thing of showing them to her silently and she has to do each thing that it says. She's done really well! I'm so excited - but note to self: must not go OTT and put her off!

We've been for a really wet walk this afternoon in Batsford Arboretum. They're doing a summer 'game' with money (total £250) in £5, £10 and £20 to find hidden in the trees - but we didn't find any :-(

Tamsin's playschool is having a fund-raising disco this evening, and as Chair of the committee I have to go.... don't feel like it but I must show my face.

She took me by surprise!

Yesterday morning, when we were all still lounging around on the bed, I showed Tamsin the "Reading Reflex" book (that I picked up for 99p in a charity shop) that I am planning on using to teach her to read, starting September. "I want to read it now," she said, grabbing it off me. "Okay," I said and opened the book to a page with some simple 3-letter words...(Jo has been baby-alarmed so Bill is continuing)....like CAT, MAT, SAT etc. She saw the T and shouted "T for Tamsin!" and then the other letters M, A and said "M...A...T...MAT!!" and her face lit up. We pointed to the C-for-Clever-Cat and she said "C..A..T...CAT!" and so on to SAT. We both applauded and said "You can read!" and we turned to the page which said "Cat sat on mat" and she read it herself with very little prompting. We have a genius for a daughter (or so I thought until she totally flunked on 'byzantine chrysanthemum')*

Jo is currently keeping low due to her nose dribbling copiously and her chin displaying a zit the size of Mount Etna, and the house is filled with the pungent aroma of Tea Tree oil and plaintive wails every time she passes a mirror. But I still love her**.

*I made that bit up
**I didn't make that bit up

The day started with Tamsin dressed as a fairy, and of course the Brio track had to be built as well. While I was doing a couple of things on the computer (a Tesco order - been meaning to do that for months; and an order of various creams and things from my favourite non-toxic supplier) she started drawing. She's been doing more drawings in the past week or two, and they're definitely starting to look like 'something' instead of a scribble. Today's effort is here:



Bottom right is 'Mummy' with a big smile ("because I love you", she said), in the middle is 'Isabelle', top left is 'Daddy' and bottom left is a penguin. Top right, by the picture of the 'very big smile' the words say "please can you do what you are told"!!LOL! I did the odd letter for her which she didn't feel confident of doing, and of course told her letter by letter what to write, but the majority of it is her writing. I think that's the most she's ever written at one time.

She also impressed me this afternoon, when I left her in the car for a minute while I popped to the Fair Shares office. When I got back, she pointed to the sign in the door of the next shop and said "that says 'Open'". I was amazed! Thinking about it, I suppose she knows signs in shop doors either say open or closed, but even so I thought that was pretty good going.

I get the feeling that Tamsin has been quietly growing in understanding about reading although nothing hugely concrete has come out of that yet (apart from the above comment!). She has been asking what words say when she sees them printed, for example on cereal packets or book titles, and looking closely at them. She's getting a feel for printed text, and also in the last few weeks has confidently figured out how to spell her name - she used to ask me which letter came next but now she can do it all on her own.

Now I'm finding it hard to concentrate on anything else because I'm watching "Transformed" about 3 horrible husbands while I blog ... it looks interesting!