Happy Birthday Benjamin

I wonder what birthdays are like in heaven? Perhaps they don't have them. Perhaps heaven is just one long party anyway! Perhaps he's all grown up already, or perhaps he's ageless now. If he'd still been here he would have been 6 years old today. What a strange thought - that I would have had a 6-year old son. I can't make any sense of that. All I know is a tiny baby. We still miss him, but it doesn't hurt most of the time. But I guess I can be excused a bit of a slump today, when I've abandoned the 'no TV till 5pm' rule and left Tamsin in front of the box while I lie about taking things easy.

Soon we'll go out to take flowers to his grave, and this afternoon we'll make some cakes. I have a candle burning all day.

Love you, Ben.

Wednesday and Thursday

Wednesday had Tamsin at playschool in the morning while I tried to reduce the washing mountain at home. In the afternoon we went to meet with other home-edders at someone's house locally - we went to the February meeting but missed last month. It was OK and quite successful in that Tamsin relatively happily just disappeared off outside without me, to run around with the other kids, which is a first! Makes me hopeful that she might do the same at Kessingland and join in with everyone else more. I asked if anyone was going to Hesfes, and several of them looked at me blankly! I had to explain.... But also quite a few of them have some kids in school and some at home, so they can't go. No-one from that group is going. I did note the classic thing that people say about home-educated kids, but which I hadn't really experienced for myself till yesterday, but I was surprised how easily these youngsters chatted to me and were very comfortable mixing with all ages. Really nice.

Today, Thursday involved me going to Cheltenham for the first 'Gloucestershire Real Nappy Network' meeting - funding has just been received to launch a campaign to promote cloth nappies in the County (focusing on Cheltenham and Gloucester to start with) and I was invited to be on the Steering Group. Tamsin was at playschool and I took Isabelle with me. I took the opportunity of my Dad collecting Tamsin, and myself being in Cheltenham to do a little shopping. Got a few bits and pieces from Booksale and Lush, but was fairly restrained. Got home by 3.30pm as Isabelle got very whingey twice. Once was when she was hungry but I couldn't figure out what was wrong the second time, and I just got fed up and decided to call it a day.

I keep forgetting to say, but I must record what a fabulous job Bill has done with laying a new wooden kitchen floor. It's a vast, vast improvement, and I'm really pleased with it!!

This morning, while Tamsin was at playschool, obviously my first priority was to catch up on the blogring! But I didn't get too bogged down, and also pureed a load of carrots and apples and froze them in icecube trays, prepared week 3 of Sound of the Week, got some ingredients into the breadmaker and set it going, and played with Isabelle a bit.

After collecting Tamsin and coming home via the supermarket for a few essentials, everything went a bit pear-shaped :-( Isabelle had fallen asleep in the car but woke up when we got home, even though she was still tired. After a short time at home, she started to get very whingey, and needed to go back to sleep. The following hour got very stressful, because her normal methods of going to sleep for a nap either by feeding or being rocked in her car seat just didn't work. I was asking Tamsin to keep quiet so that Isabelle could fall asleep, but no matter what I did, she just wouldn't sleep but was just whingeing, fussing and crying. It was taking so long, and I felt I was being so unfair to Tamsin by asking her to keep quiet, that I just left Isabelle to it, hoping she would just fall asleep, while I gave Tamsin some much-needed attention and did the Sound of the Week words and pictures with her. Isabelle's crying just escalated, though, so I tried again and fed her and rocked her again, and eventually she fell asleep. I took her carseat upstairs so that we wouldn't disturb her again, but it was only about 30-40 minutes before she woke up again, still tired. I rocked her carseat and she was just dropping off again, when Tamsin came upstairs. I just managed to shush her in time, and although it disturbed Isabelle a little, she seemed to go to sleep. 2 minutes later she was *screaming*, and the only thing I can think of is she must have been having a bad dream, because there was certainly nothing else to make her scream like that. I knew she was still tired, though, and she almost dropped off again, except that Tamsin kept disturbing us. Poor girl, I'd been asking her to keep quiet just too much, and she couldn't keep doing it, and in the end I just brought Isabelle downstairs again to wake her up fully, even though she was still overtired.

I just don't know how it's 'supposed' to be done. How do you get a baby to nap regularly and properly with an older child or children in the house? We have too many of these times when I'm just always shushing Tamsin and then she interrupts at the crucial moment and Isabelle just won't sleep. Good daytime sleep helps achieve good night-time sleep, and also an over-tired baby won't do so well in many ways, so it's important. I will not just leave her to 'cry it out' - that is not something I could do for many reasons, but how can I take the time to teach her to fall asleep well at naptime and/or bedtime when I've got Tamsin to look after too? It just seems to be an impossible juggling act. At bedtime Tamsin said "I don't love you, because you shout at me..." I don't take the 'not loving' bit to heart, but it does show that it all gets too stressful in this house too often!

After all that fiasco, the rest of the afternoon went better. Tamsin did some more StudyDog (still only at the very beginning though), and, trying to think of something else to do with her when she got bored of that, I signed up for the EducationCity trial, on which she did just a few minutes. I managed to prepare a proper healthy meal again (did some menu planning a few days ago), and then the blessed 5pm came when I put the TV on for an hour of Dora, plus dinner, followed by a bath and bed.

Monday

Was a pretty good day on the whole, although quite hard getting through with no TV until 5pm, and I did also leave the PC off till then and I *really* missed it. I think it was much better without, though, because what tends to happen is I get on the PC and get kind of mesmerised by it and then don't think clearly about what else needs to be done. I stayed more mentally alert yesterday, on the whole! But as I slept through the evening again last night, and Tamsin is at playschool this morning, I thought I would catch up a bit.

So, yesterday included Brio, reading (including this one about evolution as recommended by Nic, which has given me some food for thought and the need to do some more reading and deciding of my own), playdough, and lots of "copy me" games, where Tamsin wants me to copy whatever she is doing (very boring....). We walked the dog, and pretended to be Dora the Explorer and Thomas the Tank Engine. After lunch we went swimming, which both girls really enjoyed, and then home to a meal which I had already (efficiently) mostly prepared earlier, plus the long-awaited hour with Dora on Nick Jr, then TV was switched off again before bed. At the last minute, Tamsin decided she wanted to do some StudyDog, which I didn't think she liked much, but I obliged and she went right back to the beginning to do the letters of the alphabet, which is rather easy for her but I guess a bit of revision and morale-boosting isn't a bad idea.

This morning (Tuesday) she's read all the words on our "sound of the week" poster (still only on week 2, even though we started back in January, LOL! - that's how much of a procrastinator and disorganised I am) and requested to do some more, so I will prepare week 3 sounds and words this morning while she's out and put them together this afternoon.

Isabelle has woken - must go now!

Edit: Forgot to say that a major part of the morning was vacuuming with my new G-Tech cleaner - the big advantage of which is that it is light enough and quiet enough for Tamsin, and in fact she grabbed it off me and insisted on doing the whole house - result! I think I might make this 'her job' to give her some responsibility round the house and some fun as well.

Thomas, a tooth, and Turnoff TV week

Saturday saw Tamsin, Isabelle and me having a Day Out With Thomas while DH stayed at home fitting the new wooden floor in our kitchen, yay! Tamsin was thrilled, as last year, to see Thomas, Henry, Diesel, Toby and so on in 'real life'!! So we had a good but exhausting day out, and came home to find good progress being made with the new floor.

Today has been full of surprises. The first was at church this morning when Isabelle chomped on my finger, as she likes to do, but this time there was a little sharp tooth poking through at the bottom!! Tamsin didn't get her first tooth till 8 months, so this is 'early' for us.

I had already decided that I would start giving Isabelle some real food this week, as I am due to go back to work next week, and although I can have her with me in the office a fair bit and make sure she is well fed before someone takes her away for an hour or two, knowing that she can have some other food if we get the timing all wrong eases my mind a little. And we're only a week earlier than the 'officially allowed' weaning age anyway. My decision was confirmed with the arrival of the tooth, and the fact that she grabbed a piece of Bill's pizza at lunchtime and sucked and chomped on it with great delight. I had hoped to wait till she was grabbing food off us before starting weaning, so I'm glad that happened first! So we then introduced her to a little pureed mango and banana (courtesy of Baby Organix) and she was a bit bemused but interested! I have a little frisson of 'earth-mother' guilt that her first food was not 'home-made and pureed', but I think I can get over it ;-)

My other decision for the week is that the TV will be off all day until 5pm this week, it being TV Turnoff Week. I can't quite bring myself to lose it completely all week, and chose 5pm because then Tamsin can just watch an hour of Dora, her current absolute favourite, while I produce some dinner, and I can watch something in the evening if I want without breaking my own rule! I have yet to decide whether the PC will join the daytime ban - I certainly think it might help our days run smoother if it did, but do I have the willpower?? It would be an interesting experiment for a week.

I also want to just muse a little on something that's bothering me. I have been thinking this week that I can barely remember Isabelle as a newborn. I know that when she was born, I kept on feeling that I wasn't getting enough time just to be with her. I resented the time that Tamsin and other household demands took me away from her, and TBH that feeling that I haven't quite had enough time with her has persisted. I carry her as much as possible, and use a sling when my shoulders/back can cope, but still can't get over this feeling. I think it must be all the other demands, particularly of Tamsin, but I am feeling sad because I feel I am missing out, in some way, of really 'knowing' her and being 'with' her, and this is my last chance as I do feel in many ways that I don't want any more children.

Not much about HE

Not much blatant HE going on here but plenty of playing including Tamsin learning to play 'Snap' with her Thomas the Tank Engine playing cards, which she has enjoyed and requested to do several times over the past few days. Other things have been occupying my mind recently:

1. I've just become Chairperson of the Playgroup that Tamsin attends, and my first important job was to make sure the forms to claim the Nursery Grant were sent in on time..... and I missed it :-( Not the final claim date, thankfully, but the interim date which would have meant the playschool received 50% of its grant this week instead of in June. I had to confess at the first meeting I led last night. Great big OOPS! The rest of the committee and the staff were very kind about it, and turned down my offer to lend them the £2000 or so for the two months that they will now have to wait for the money. The final claim has been posted today, in good time!

2. At last, nearly six years after the event, we have decided what to do with Benjamin's heart and lungs that were retained at Birmingham Children's Hospital. Being the procrastinators that we are, we had wrestled with the issue now and then but not come to a final conclusion. In the end, we have decided to allow them to be used for research purposes if approved by the Hospital Ethics Committee. This way, it may be that they lead to the cause of Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome being discovered some time, and that would be good :-)

3. At the first opportunity we've had to talk together without kids present, I talked to my friend Kate about the 'Center Parcs incident' which I was hurt about a couple of weeks ago. I was surprised to find myself go all weepy about it, but the air is cleared and there is no problem :-)

4. I've been monitoring myself more closely, and I do have serious concerns about my energy levels and my ability to HE. I generally feel tired, irritable and unable to think clearly or constructively from about noon onwards for the rest of the afternoon. Even when I do occasionally manage a nap, I don't recover from it and am still very sluggish all afternoon. And in about 2 weeks time I will be returning to work for 3 mornings per week. We seem to have very little quality time together when I feel alert enough to suggest ideas and participate in activities with Tamsin. Sometimes I gather ideas and plan things for the coming day or two, but a vast amount of the time they just get put aside because I'm tired and not in the mood, and TV is easier. I will keep thinking about this and monitoring how things are going, but I don't feel good about my ability to do a good job with HE at the moment. It may be that I just need a good detox diet and some regular exercise, but I'm generally too knackered to plan and carry through those plans either!

Anyway, I now have about 1.5 hours before Tamsin comes home, and I've got to go and do a big food shop as the cupboards are almost bare.

What is it with these women???!

I'm sorry, I can't keep this in any longer. I have watched a couple of TV programmes like this in the past couple of days, and right now I am watching "Who Rules the Roost", and the world seems to be full of people who have sparkling kitchens and dust-less living rooms, and *completely ignored* children!!! And this woman is *disinfecting the garden*!!! OMG, what is the point of that? Disinfecting the slide, swing and playhouse door handle? Please, get a life, and some decent information about micro-organisms and the human immune system!!!

I cannot believe how much energy people spend on scrubbing, dusting, tidying and cleaning. Yes, it would be lovely to live in a pristine house, but not at the expense of leaving my children uncuddled, unplayed with and scared to move in case they make a mess. And when I do have time to spare, I would rather sit and read, or blog, or chat to friends on the phone, than clean!

I'm not saying my way is the perfect way - there must be a middle ground somewhere. I probably don't spend enough time cleaning and tidying, but for heaven's sake, some people are *too clean and tidy*!!

Wake up!

(Sigh) ... yes, slept through the evening again last night. This is getting boring. Missed ER, although at least I can catch up on Sunday or Monday on other channels....

Yesterday was good - Tamsin went to playschool in the morning and I arranged for my Dad to pick her up and look after her for the afternoon; meanwhile I drove Bill to work in Oxford so that he could pick up his (old) new car - an Astra - and he showed off his newest offspring to his work colleagues. Then I went into Oxford city centre to SHOP! Found the Laura Ashley sale and bought some stuff for Tamsin - how come I just find it impossible to shop and buy stuff for myself these days, but can spend any amount of money on the kids? Also interesting how I never even look at full-price stuff (except shoes and underwear) but only buy from sales or 2nd hand stuff! I also had a fab hour or so browsing round Borders - my idea of bliss!

Today seems to have been manic with not much achieved. I feel like I've been rushing from one thing to another, constantly being interrupted by the demands of 2 children, and never actually getting anything finished. I keep trying to tidy up, and never manage it. Anyway, what we *have* done is:
- some more scissors/cutting practice (cut pics out but never got round to sticking them)
- dancing to music (PE, rhythm/music skills)
- reading a few nursery rhymes/poems
- lots of pretending/role play
- lots of 'Dora' episodes watched, and then the TV switched off afterwards
- went to the library: Tamsin rode her bike there
- a little bit of play with the cheap Geomag-equivalents (which Bill bought recently without knowing anything about the blogring bandwagon!)
- I've washed, dried and folded 3 loads of washing - 4th load needs drying.
- received an unusual number of phone calls - that's probably where much of the time went.

Isabelle has been charming people everywhere she goes with spontaneous smiles without waiting to be smiled at first! I wonder if she's going to turn out to be more outgoing and confident with people than Tamsin is at the moment.

I was thinking today how, if Tamsin was going to Reception in September as she 'should', I would be really worried about it. She still needs a *lot* of Mummy time, has snuggled on my knee while doing the scissors/cutting and reading, wants to be carried a lot, was worriedly asking this morning whether we were going to stay together all day today or not, and I really feel that it would be very detrimental to her to be forced away from me for 5 days a week. What a relief not to be facing that.

Hooray!

Friend's baby arrived safe and well late yesterday afternoon. Girl, 8lb 3.5oz. No other details except that I guess this means the induction took 24+ hours, so I hope it wasn't too awful, but I will find out in due course. She's the friend who had one stillborn twin in her first pregnancy, so I'm extra-specially glad that all has gone well.

I haven't heard about the other friend's baby - must make a few calls and find out what's happened/is happening!

5pm: edit - A baby boy, also born yesterday at home in the early hours!! Two babies on one day - wowee!!

Another lost evening

Yes, yet another evening slept through, slightly different this time in that we all (kids and parents) fell asleep together in the big bed and nobody moved until 11.30pm... at which stage Bill and I got up to do some of the stuff we hadn't got done.

Anyway, yesterday had some notable stuff. Firstly, Tamsin didn't request TV at breakfast time as usual, but generally tootled about and got interested in her Learning Land CDs and magazines again. After breakfast she got on with some of the CD-Rom learning activities, including a 'spot the difference' puzzle which is so important in learning to read, but which isn't one of her strongest skills, so it was good she got some practice on that and I saw some improvement after she had done several of them. Cutting with scissors is another of her weaknesses, so I printed off some practice pages (can't remember where from (maybe Donna Young?) but one of the sites recommended on the MuddlePuddle e-mail list recently). She didn't do very well! The first page I showed her had horizontal lines printed across the page to practice cutting, and she insisted that she couldn't do it that way, but cut one big vertical cut instead and then just chopped the rest into little bits. Perhaps a little practice everyday is called for. It's another skill that indicates fine motor control and therefore helps with writing later on.

Mid-morning we took the dog out for a walk, and practiced careful listening. A couple of times I stopped and asked her to shut her eyes, and then tell me all the sounds she could hear. She got most of them - normally 4 or 5 different sounds at a time - but strangely she missed what to me was the most obvious which was the grand orchestra of birdsong! Later on (when we were far from anyone in the fields, LOL!) we practiced copying the sounds we could hear. Both these skills are recommended in the recently-received Fundamentals course.

She did of course watch Dora the Explorer in the morning (NB Isabelle slept nearly all morning - in the sling!) and then, after a quick lunch, we went off to Stratford-on-Avon. I wanted to get some summer shoes or sandals for her, and some slip-on trainers for me. Success for Tamsin but not for me. Then we went off to the swimming pool which was only the second time for me taking both of them. I had got some arm-bands recently, so although it seems a retrograde step to start putting Tamsin in inflatable stuff when she's never been used to it, it helped me feel a bit more confident in dealing with both of them on my own.

When we got home, Tamsin had Isabelle absolutely screaming with laughter by jumping over her repeatedly - a move which I felt was somewhat risky but it was so funny to hear Isabelle laughing so much that I didn't stop them, and no injuries occurred!

Then came dinner, which Tamsin refused (brown rice instead of white ...) and the somnolent evening.

This morning (Tuesday) Tamsin is back at playschool, so I'm really enjoying the peace in the house as so far Isabelle is still asleep and I can get some stuff done!

The weekend...

Boring title, but maybe the contents will be even more boring. I'm sure I ought to be able to think of something significant we did at the weekend, but my mind is mostly blank (as usual)...

Went to an NCT second-hand sale on Saturday, but didn't get much. It was just too crowded and not much there in the 4-5 year range which is what I was after. Bill said beforehand "don't bring any more toys home", so I had to avoid those...! I did buy a 'teaching French' game which will be useful for later, and a couple of workbooks for £1 each instead of £2.99. Oh, and when I recently got out from the loft all the 6-12 month clothes, I found everything except vests and babygros - I wonder where they've all gone? So I tried to get some more but there wasn't much around so had to buy some new ones too.

There does seem to have been a bit of progress on reading with Tamsin. She requested "Hop on Pop" one night at bedtime, and then asked to read it herself ... so we did lots of sounding out of letter sounds and blending them together, and she did quite well! Since then, while reading I've suggested she tries to read the odd simple three-letter word, and she quite enjoys trying. I think we may be on the second step of the reading ladder!

I have 2 friends due to give birth any day now ... and one of them is going in to be induced today because in her first pregnancy one of her twins was stillborn, so she's too anxious to go past 39 weeks. So I'm nervously awaiting news....

Not a productive day then...

I don't quite know where the day's gone, but I seem to have achieved precious little. The CTF thing took a long time with lots of web research and reading, and in the end have decided on what seems to be the only ethical CTF account there is, despite the high fees. It's all a bonus anyway, isn't it?

Isabelle only took extremely short naps, apart from when I went with her and then we managed an hour with a bit of feeding/soothing in the middle. The house is still a complete mess and there's nothing for dinner except something instant from the freezer. Ah well....

Jobs for the day

Tamsin's gone to my Dad's for the day - great relief on my part as she got so distraught last time that she didn't go. Don't know what that was all about. Anyway as it's still Easter holidays she hasn't been going to playschool this week and last week, so it's just lovely to have some quiet space where she is out of the house. However, anyone who can tell me how to get Isabelle to stay asleep for more than 15 minutes at a time will earn my undying gratitude! She's still tired, she hasn't napped long enough, yet she just won't stay asleep.

Anyway, today's jobs list is:

1. Investigate and decide on Child Trust Fund account - DONE
2. Do a bit more 'money' administration
3. Do some tidying and filing of the piles of papers
4. Read and get a grip on the "Fundamentals" pre-school development programme which arrived yesterday
5. Have a nap and try to get rid of this headache I've had for 3 days - had nap but still got headache :-(

I hate titles!

But apart from that, there are some nice things to blog. All out of order, just as they occur to me.

This morning started, by Tamsin's request, with Studydog, when she saw the icon on my computer desktop. (It's not very often she gets to the computer before me in the morning!!) I discouraged her from starting with the letters of the alphabet, as it was rather tedious and she knows all her letter sounds, so we went straight to 'beginning letter sounds', where she did reasonably well when she could pay enough attention to actually listen to the instructions. However, I don't like the way they use letter names rather than sounds, as it seems to me that's just unnecessarily confusing the situation. When she moved on to rhyming sounds and then the consonants with two different sounds, she didn't do too well. I got rather irritated by her not listening properly to the instructions, or maybe they were just too complicated for her, and suggested she switch it off, which she was happy to do.

We also did some train track, which hasn't happened for a few days (I think her Thomas obsession is beginning to flag a little, to be replaced by a Dora obsession). I managed to make the living room look relatively respectable while she watched a bit of Nick Jr. I know a better way would be to engage her in helping to clear up with me, but she hates loud noises and always wants to stay well away from the vacuum cleaner.

I can't think what else happened this morning, but after lunch we went out. Tamsin requested a trip to the toyshop, but as the one in town is closed on a Tuesday I suggested we went to the next town. However after a trip to one shop, Isabelle wanted feeding, so we went back to the car and then a sag of energy on my part made me feel I wanted some adult company rather than continuing to only engage with a 3-year old all afternoon, so I called in to a friend's house and Tamsin played happily with her kids while I had some welcome intelligent chat!

Yesterday I decided not to take a trip to the Cotswold Farm Park due to the bad weather forecast, but when by lunchtime, the anticipated rain had not arrived, I changed my mind and we went anyway. We had a lovely time, with a very educational view of a lamb being born!!! Tamsin also held a chick, and enjoyed the pigs, calves, goat kids, rabbits, guinea pigs and riding round on both the pedal tractors and electric tractors. She really impressed me on the latter 'ride' as she stopped at the lines on the painted roads and looked each way before moving on!

I can't remember much about the weekend except that Bill took up the grotty carpet and lino in our kitchen in preparation for a new wooden floor. I'm planning to paint the walls, and maybe even the cabinets as well.

Oh, and there was also the phone call from my mum, complete with hysterical sobbing. This is maybe only the beginning of the fallout from my brother's recent divorce. My ex-SIL had written mum a letter in response to receiving a birthday card from my Mum. My Mum read it out to me, and to me it sounded incredibly thoughtful, well-balanced and truthful, but my Mum took great offence to a phrase which included a reference to my parents' "bad divorce" ... I didn't quite get to the bottom of why she was offended at the time, as she put the phone down on me in floods of tears, but spoke to her later and could hardly believe my ears. Over the years the relationship between my Mum and my brother and SIL has been touchy and difficult at times, but now the divorce has happened I think the knives are out. But to hear my Mum spitting out critical comments on my SIL's character in an almost exact description of her *own* character was almost unbelievable, and quite funny! I guess we're all quite blind to our own faults, but it was hard to believe she couldn't see what she was saying. I did point it out to her..... Ugh, I could blog about this whole situation for hours, but suffice to say I would rather spend time in my SIL's company than my mum's, and also that situations like this leave me feeling tense and unsettled, as I am *so* not good at conflict.

Anyway, gotta go now and try and catch the end of Ebay's 5p listing day to sell some baby clothes.

The one where Bill comes home...

Bill is back safely and all has gone well - he now knows all about the insides of laser printers - thrilling, isn't it?

Anyway I have made efforts to give Tamsin much more attention today, including some particularly concentrated one-to-one time just before lunch. It will be interesting to see if continuing to do this will ease the separation anxiety she has been showing occasionally lately, and reduce the general clinginess and demandingness. I just have to try to overcome my extreme boredom at playing 3-year old games ... and try to steer it to activities I find more acceptable like reading to her, doing jigsaws or some craft stuff.

Well it couldn't have got worse so it had to get better!

My mood, that is. Thank goodness I've felt better today. Bill is away on a course till tomorrow, and my Mum has come to stay - arriving at lunchtime today till tomorrow. I still managed to waste all morning on the computer, searching for possible birthday presents for Tamsin - and found this, only available in the USA! Hmm, but she is now a BIG Dora fan, so I have to decide if the cost of it and getting it shipped over here (an extra $65 surface mail, yikes or $225 air mail - I don't think so!!) is totally out of the question or should we just stick to a trampoline or a playhouse or something?

Anyway, Mum arrived after that, and we went off out in the foggy mist/misty fog?? to a lavender farm where we had a fantastic late lunch and then on to Bourton-on-the-Water model railway museum which thrilled Tamsin. Later on, a conversation with my Mum may have shed light on Tamsin's recent behaviour problems in that she needs some concentrated one-to-one time from me, rather than us just both being 'around' but not really doing stuff together. I was thinking I was spending plenty of time with her, but really I haven't been paying her much positive attention, as blogged yesterday, because I've really been finding her very difficult. But probably I need to turn that round and give her the concentrated attention and then she'll be less difficult to be with? Worth a try, anyway. It's strange how I know all this stuff very clearly - kids misbehave as negative attention is better than no attention at all - but it's so easy to miss it in your own life.

Anyway, an early-ish night (10.30pm now) is probably in order and turn over a new leaf tomorrow!!!

Catching up

There's been some good stuff going on lately, but I keep being so tired I just fall asleep in the evening and don't get to blog.

We had a good Easter weekend including getting some jobs done or at least started which have been outstanding for months or years, including stripping the old varnish off some old tables and starting to re-paint, painting Tamsin's new toyboxes, Bill getting a towel rail up in the bathroom, and buying wooden flooring to go in the kitchen and toilet. We also had a great morning at church on Easter Sunday when seven baptisms took place, five of which were planned in advance and two were spontaneous!

Tamsin's done some CD-Rom learning, loves to type into a blank Word document, decorated some eggs with me on Good Friday and learned a lot of Spanish on Easter Sunday courtesy of Dora. However we don't like the constant "I want one of those" that she shouts at almost every advert, so as of yesterday as far as she is concerned Nick Jr is 'broken' (well, if you take the Sky card out, it is!) and it's CBeebies or nothing. I've done quite a lot of switching the TV off and refusing to put it on for a few hours, as I really don't like it on that much. Trouble is, I have to have the stamina for non-TV days.

And today especially I have been in a foul mood and could quite happily have sent everybody else to go and live with Grandpa forever, or something. I don't know what comes first - my bad mood or Tamsin's irritating behaviour. Maybe I just don't like 3-year olds. I know mine drives me mad far too much of the time, and I'm finding I just don't want to interact with her. I don't want to have to repeat myself 3 or 4 times, ending up shouting before she takes any notice of me; I don't want to have to repeat the rules of acceptable behaviour 20 times per day for another two years before she follows them; I don't want to pretend to be a dog on a lead or any other kind of plaything, and I don't want to be climbed on, jumped on and generally prodded about at all!

Thank goodness that Bill had an extra day off today, so he took over when I fell asleep on the sofa at lunchtime and then took Tamsin out for the afternoon. If you're reading, Bill, please do that again - lots!

Interview questions

Thanks to Sarah for another great idea. It's a way for us all in the blogring to get to know each other a little better. If you want to participate, look at the end of this entry to find out how.

1. Can you tell us something about your 'decision to home ed' process - formative books, influential people, that sort of thing?

I really don't know when I first heard about the idea of home education, or when it became attractive to me. It feels like something I've known about forever. I think it became much more focussed for me when I read John Holt, "How Children Fail" and "How Children Learn". I went on the web and found his Growing Without Schooling website, and since then, as is my way, I have read an awful lot, including "Free Range Education" by Terri Dowty, and several others. I would say I have been sold on the theory of home education ever since I heard of it, but unsure about my ability to actually do it in terms of having the commitment and energy for it. Then somebody gave me the very wise advice that it isn't an irrevocable decision - and just to take it a year at a time (or even a term at a time if necessary)!


2. How do you think you will measure 'success' in your family's home education? (Feel free to reword the question - I'm trying to get at what will make you feel that you've succeeded, as opposed to any 'success' on the children's behalf!)

I want my children to feel free to be interested in anything. At school, there were definitely subjects it wasn't "cool" to be interested in, e.g. poetry, classical music, maths, or in fact to be intelligent or particularly successful at anything (teenage years particularly). If my children have wide-ranging interests that don't just coincide with the current 'fashions', find their passion in life and pursue it, and are the sort of people who work hard in their chosen field, then I will be delighted. I also want them to be people of integrity, to aim for excellence of character, and full of care and compassion for others. If they are that sort of person, I don't mind what they're doing for a living!


3. What is your all time favourite book and why (adults or children's, doesn't matter!)?

This is so difficult, as there are so many books that I have found powerful and moving and have taught me something, but there are 2 books that have had the most life-changing impact on me (apart from the Bible), so I'm going to 'cheat' and tell you about both! The first is "The Continuum Concept" by Jean Liedloff. Not that I follow it very closely, because I now think it doesn't have to be an 'all or nothing' thing, but it is the book that turned me away from conventional parenting and gave me a greater insight into some of the problems of so-called 'civilised' societies. It gave me an awful lot of food for thought over the years, and has probably changed who I am quite noticeably. I came across it nearly 20 years ago, when I didn't have children and didn't intend having any, but felt it contained something of the absolute "truth" about life that I constantly seek and love.
The second book is "Stormie" by Stormie Omartian. This is the life story of a 60s singer and actress who was on the verge of suicide when she found faith in Jesus and gradually, over 14 years, was restored to full emotional health. When I have been barely clinging on by my fingernails, it has been this story that has given me hope and the strength to carry on.

4. If you could live anywhere in the world where would you live?

I would love to live for a while somewhere in the mountains, where I could ski a lot! I would adore living in Colorado (even though John Denver's no longer there) or somewhere like Switzerland would be great. I think I would also love the California coast for a while. Having said all that, I love living where I do now (North Cotswolds, Gloucestershire) and would probably be very homesick for the UK if I lived anywhere abroad, and would miss my friends and family, so I think I'll probably stay put!


5. What is the thing that annoys you above all else, and what is the thing that you love above all else? Interpret any way you like!!!

The thing that can get me angrier than anything else is people talking about me behind my back, in a kind of condescending way, "there, there, poor dear, we'd better discuss what's best for her because she's not capable...". This has a specific history, which I don't want to go into, but I know exactly where it comes from and I have been known to go incandescent with rage when it felt like this was what was happening to me. I hate, therefore, not knowing what official correspondence is saying about me (thinking of doctor's referral letters and the like) in case that's the attitude they're taking.

The thing I love above all else - well, I feel I ought to say here that it's Jesus since, based on my true beliefs, He is the one to whom I owe everything, but in simple 'feelings' terms, the winners are my children, particularly so because it's been so unexpected. I didn't want children when I was younger, thought I would never have any, and certainly didn't consider myself maternal at all. What a complete surprise and revelation it has been to me to have children and discover that my entire worldview has changed and my entire image of myself has changed so drastically. And I just love how my own children (most of the time) have to me a kind of 'Ready Brek' glow around them that just makes them the most beautiful things in the whole world. I do love my husband, too, but I 'expected' that, and it's the shock of loving my children so much that makes it seem so strong to me.


If YOU want to be interviewed:

1. Leave me a comment saying “interview me.”
2. I will respond by asking you five questions (not the same as you see here).
3. You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions. (If you don’t have a blog, let this inspire you to begin one!!)
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions

The one where Tamsin doesn't go to Grandpa's

Tamsin usually has a great time on her 'Grandpa days' - when my Dad comes to fetch her and take her to his house and/or out for the day. But she's been getting quite clingy lately, always wanting to be picked up and carried, and yesterday she kept hanging on to me when I was trying to leave her at playschool as well (though she wasn't crying, and loves playschool). And this morning she got so upset and distraught at leaving me that in the end we gave up and she stayed home. I can't work out what's going on. Either I've been such a monster mummy lately that she thinks I don't love her any more so is afraid to leave me in case I disappear, or it's a delayed 'new baby' reaction... or something else? It's worrying, though.

And I was planning on catching up on a bit of sleep while she was out today, which obviously didn't happen, so I was tired and unmotivated today too - cue too much Tv again except when were out at Tesco's doing a big shop. I had to try and buy her Easter egg without her seeing it. Am planning an Easter Egg Hunt round the house on Sunday, although we've never done one before so it's new for all of us.

And now I must go to bed - I'm whacked.

The one where Isabelle rolls over!

Yes, I popped out of the room for a few minutes this morning (to check my e-mail, of course) and heard a bit of complaining from Isabelle in the next room - went back in, to find her stuck lying on her tummy! I left her on her back, and Tamsin swears Isabelle did it all on her own. She's also cooing lots, chewing on fingers lots (hers and ours) and smiling lots.

Packed Tamsin off to playschool this morning, and came home and mostly just vegged on the computer, napped for half-an-hour and then off to the homeopath, to complain all about my lethargy, lack of motivation and irritability. I have a remedy to take tonight and tomorrow morning, and then wait a couple of weeks to see what happens.

Kate collected Tamsin from playschool and brought her home, and I asked her if she'd had a nice time at Center Parcs ........ she said yes, and then mumbled in some embarrassment "Oh, I didn't tell you we were going, did I?" and a quick explanation about how the other friend she HAD gone with had booked it, got it very cheaply, and invited Kate & Co to go with her .... and it was all very last minute .... Hmmm. It still doesn't explain why she didn't say a word to me about it either before or after until I raised it. We talk to each other most days, for one thing and another. It wasn't a good time to have a conversation about it as Isabelle was fussing madly, K's daughter fell over and bumped herself right then, and Kate had to rush off to get her eldest from school. I still don't feel good about it all, and think we need to clear the air a little, but we're almost never child-free for an uninterrupted conversation so it might be difficult.

This afternoon we've washed the car and discovered that Tamsin can't take a dose of her own medicine .... after pointing the hose at me and getting me wet about 4 times (yes, I know how foolish it is to let the 3-year-old have control of the hose), and after warnings, I took it off her and sprayed her ... resulting in floods of tears, naturellement! After a bit of joint TV/computer time, I then went up in the loft to get the 6-9 month baby clothes out, but couldn't find the door bouncer thing anywhere, which I am sure Isabelle would start to love about now. Tamsin absolutely adored it. Apart from that, I have spent far too much time bidding on stuff on Ebay, and now really *must* get on with finishing off updating our finances, and doing a new budget.

Oh, and last night's waking total was 5: 3 wakings by Isabelle, 1 by Tamsin and 1 by Bill, all between midnight and 6.30am. No wonder I'm so knackered.