Hey, it's good to be back home again

We all had a lovely church weekend away at the Pioneer Centre, Cleobury Mortimer. Although with small children we didn't get to spend much time in the main sessions, but we had a good time anyway. Amazingly (huh? - this is GOD we are talking about!) the one hour of the one session that I did manage to get to was aimed perfectly at me, reaching me exactly where I am and really helping me move on a few steps. Isabelle's godparents Lana and David were total stars, with Lana getting her to sleep a couple of times and both of them having Isabelle on their lap for a while at several meals so we could actually eat using both hands.

So that's why we didn't get to Hesfes till Monday. For those friends of mine who read this blog and don't know what Hesfes is, it's the Home Educators Seaside Festival - a week-long camp for, erm, home-educators, obviously. It was our first visit, and with a certain notoriety about it, I wasn't quite sure what to expect. And especially as I was going to be spending 5 days in a small caravan with Tamsin and Isabelle but without Bill, I was a bit nervous at how it might go!

We took our usual leisurely time to get organised and on the move on Monday, so didn't arrive in Charmouth until about 6 or 7pm. Sarah had been extremely helpful by saving my electric hook-up pitch by parking her car there - small as the space was, it was better than nothing, which is what I suspect might have happened had she not been so helpful. So we were met by Alison and Sarah, and waved briefly to Jax, Merry, Barbara and maybe others before getting stuck in to getting the caravan set up. Bill left for the 3-hour drive home at about 9pm, and I got the kids to bed and ventured out of the van only to say Hi to my friend Jo who lives in my small town and was there with her 10-year old son. She had a programme which I was able to look through and get some idea of what was going on on-site through the week. I made a mental note to head for the Yoga for Under-5's on Wednesday morning, but nothing much on Tuesday appealed to me. After that I quickly headed for bed, sharing a rather small double bed with 2 children plus hordes of rowdy kids going up and down the road meant a rather disturbed night.
First impressions: a somewhat scruffy campsite absolutely teeming with hordes of strange-looking, unruly kids doing very dangerous things down a steep hill with skateboards, bikes etc.

On Tuesday morning after getting up and ready we wandered out for a look round the site to see what was what. We headed down the hill to the play park and found Alison, Merry and Jax there with their various kids, and I was pleased to note that on the whole Tamsin felt confident enough to go off and play on the equipment on her own instead of wanting me to follow her round and hold her hand all the time. So I was able to sit and have a bit of chatting time with the adults, which was nice. Later on we went up the hill from our caravan to find out where the marquees were that held the workshops and events, and had a general wander round. In the afternoon I needed a couple of things from the site shop, so wandered down only to find it shut, so we carried on out of the site to check out the beach. Had a lovely 45 minutes or so down there but were unprepared with no suncream or anything so we all got a little bit too much of the sun on our faces and didn't notice due to the stiff breeze. Went back up to the campsite and joined the gang of Puddlers sitting chatting. It was nice to meet Joyce and Barbara again, having only passed a few words with both of them at Kessingland last year, and later on I also met Nic, Heather and Alexia. As the afternoon/evening wore on, Tamsin had a lovely time running about and playing with Jax's Small and Barbara's B. In fact, one of the best parts of the week for me was seeing the difference in Tamsin from last year to this. Many might remember that at Kessingland she would barely venture more than a foot or two from me or Bill, and hardly played with any other children at all due to shyness and lack of confidence to go anywhere without us. This year she has run around, played with and talked to children she doesn't know, and generally been a much more confident child.

On Wednesday morning at 9am I remembered about the kids' yoga, so managed to get up to the main marquee in time to participate. It was really yoga for the adults with the hope that the kids would want to join in, which they mostly did, although Tamsin's idea of joining in was mostly running round and round the large marquee pretending to be an aeroplane, which was OK! While there I discovered that the week's programme of events was posted up in the marquee, so that was handy, as otherwise I wouldn't have remembered what else was going on all week. On returning to the campsite area I discovered that several Puddlers were planning on packing up and leaving due to adverse weather reports for the rest of the week, but as I had no car there was no way I could join this general exodus even if I had wanted to. However enough people I knew were sticking around to make it OK. I did phone Bill and arrange for him to pick me up on Friday instead of Saturday, though.

In the afternoon we spent a little more time at the play park before heading down to the beach ready for the labyrinth-building, which according to rumour was supposed to happen from 2-4pm. We arrived at about 2.15 pm to an extremely windy and cold beach, and no sight of any structured activity at all. We hung around for a little while, Tamsin enjoying digging and filling her buckets with sand, but in the end I was too cold and decided to head back to the caravan. Walking back I met everyone walking to the beach, and discovered apparently the labyrinth-building was supposed to start at 3pm, but by then I was too cold and tired to join in, so we carried on back to the campsite.

On both Tuesday and Wednesday Tamsin and I had the following conversation:
T - "I want to go home"
Me - "Why do you want to go home?"
T - "I want to watch Dora"
(very similar to Kessingland last year when every single day of the camp she wanted to go home so she could do 'track', i.e. play with her Brio train set.)

Anyway it was something of a blessing when in conversation with Nic she said she had a Dora the Explorer DVD back at her static caravan, and invited us to go over and view any time. Tamsin was over the moon when I told her, and from then on nagged me senseless until I phoned Nic and arranged to go over. I discovered that Barbara was packing up and planning to spend the night at Nic's, so when I was ready to go I offered to take someone or something with me, and ended up taking B. It was lovely to spend more time with Nic, and later on Barbara, despite her stress levels being a bit high due to some of her kids! I went back to my caravan when Isabelle started getting rather whingey due to being tired. Tamsin was thrilled with her Dora 'fix', though, and it stopped her wanting to go home for the rest of the week!

Thursday was the day when the rain arrived on and off for most of the day. Tamsin and I had a really nice 'girly' start to the morning, snug in our cosy caravan with its lovely fan heater, painting each other's toe-nails and plaiting hair. When we eventually emerged we went up the hill to the main marquee to see what was going on, and came across a belly-dancing session in progress. Tamsin couldn't resist the array of shiny, jingly and sparkly garments and insisted on dressing up a little and joining in, although again she didn't want to attempt any of the 'proper' movements but just ran up and down twirling around instead. After a while I was tired of that so we wandered off for a coffee and cake, and chatted a little with a man who I later discovered was Mike Fortune-Wood. He and Roland Meighan were about to begin setting up for their book-launch (name-dropping, moi?), which although I would have been quite interested to stay for, I knew Tamsin wouldn't have the necessary patience. On attempting to leave she fell flat on her face in lots of sticky mud, which she was quite upset about, so we went back to the caravan for cleaning up and lunch. I was so tired and attempted to have a bit of a nap while Isabelle slept and Tamsin played one of her computer games, but she kept disturbing me and I didn't get much rest. For the rest of the afternoon I felt completely lethargic, so although we went down to the play park again I didn't have the energy for it so just came back to the campsite for a sit and a chat with Sarah, Jax and Joyce, followed by an early bedtime. Actually around dinner-time I started to feel quite sick, and didn't know whether to put it down to the eggs I'd had for lunch brought from home and laid by my own chickens, or to low blood-sugar having not eaten anything else since then. I mentally started planning who I could call to look after my children while I lay in my sick-bed, but thankfully it didn't come to that and I felt better later on, although the nausea came and went for the rest of the evening and the night, and in fact on Friday too.

Friday was going home day, and knowing that Bill was on the way to rescue me from the mud and the children meant I just had to do the packing and clearing up and then wait for him to arrive around 2pm. Tamsin played wall-to-wall computer games but we were all getting a bit tetchy and bored, and the frustration levels rose when Bill phoned firstly to say he was late leaving due to a problem at home, and then later being stuck in traffic rather a lot on the journey down, so he eventually arrived around 4pm. It was lovely to see him and to be taken away from all the mud and noise!

Overall impressions of a Hesfes virgin: not as positive as I would have hoped, sadly. The major memory I am left with is of the really selfish and disrespectful behaviour of the older kids, who were definitely not a good advert for home-education. They didn't care what property they might damage by their behaviour, whether that was Bill's car or Joyce's tent, or how many small children they upset in the playground by hogging the equipment, or how many people they were in danger of hurting by frankly dangerous bike and skate-board riding down the hill. Also, along the lines of Nic's 'retail opportunity' musings, I really did expect to find a range of home-education resources that I could browse through. After all, these aren't things we can find in the shops generally and it would be nice to see some of the curricula, books, computer programs and other resources to have a look at. My good memories are of sitting chatting with on-line friends and hopefully turning them more into real-life friends, and Tamsin playing happily with children she hadn't met before or couldn't remember. Most of the activities or workshops were not suitable for Tamsin, and there was less on offer than I expected although a quick look through some other blogs indicates there were things there that I didn't know about. That in itself is indicative of a certain lack of planning or information-giving. All in all I can't see myself wanting to go next year, or maybe for a few years until Tamsin is likely to get more out of the activities on offer and Isabelle is less likely to be in 'running away toddler'-mode.

Well, that blogging has taken me about 2.5 hours and I still have over 800 e-mails and everybody else's blogs to read, so I'm going to be busy for a while!

I'm clean!!!!!

Ahhh, bliss is a long hot shower after a cold and very muddy field in Dorset. I'm not a major clean freak by any stretch of the imagination, but it feels so good to be home in a clean bed and with hot running water! I still have to navigate the washing mountain, though, and the caravan is still filthy, so major blogging will have to wait a while longer.

Sick, a surprise, and more sick

I've got a sad, poorly baby :-( We made an emergency dash to the doctors this morning, after a really bad night full of crying and Calpol and a morning when she ended up just screaming for ages, but it's just a cold with blocked-up and painful ears. I'm probably not alone in this, but when my babies are ill I'm always afraid they're going to die... so it's rather stressful! Still, at least I didn't get as far as calling an ambulance for what turned out to be a cold, as I did with Tamsin! It all nearly messed up the day's plans to meet my Mum near Abingdon to hand over the dog to look after while we're away at the church weekend and then Hesfes. But we made it in the end.

On the way back, we called in on Bill at work (Oxford Brookes University), leading to moments of delight and then pure farce. The delight was when I looked round the library on the campus, which is the teacher-training department. WOW! Thousands of videos of educational programmes, CD-Roms, cassettes, and fiction and non-fiction children's books - all of which Bill can borrow on his staff ticket. Perfect for the home-educator! I felt like a kid in a sweet-shop! Couldn't stay long, due to a crying Isabelle (again) and a hyperactively running about Tamsin, but did borrow a phonics video and a Learning French CD-ROM, and I will definitely plan to go back and spend more time there soon!

Then I was bursting for the loo, and Isabelle was crying, so I took her and Tamsin off so I could feed Isabelle on the toilet. She had a really nice long feed, so there I was on the toilet, clothing round my ankles, when suddenly she throws up all her milk, right inside my knickers and trousers. Great. Just then the automatic light times out and goes off. So now I'm in the dark, with vomit all down my legs, underwear and trousers, and can't see properly to wipe up, and Isabelle is screaming and snotty again. But it's a quiet day at the college, there are hardly any students about, and nobody has been into the loo while I've been there. So I risk it, and open the cubicle door and shuffle out, knickers and trousers still round my ankles. Now I need to put Isabelle down somewhere so I can wipe up the sick. There isn't enough room to lie her down near the washbasins, so I decide to sit her bottom down in one of the cute little sinks, which hasn't been used for a while so it is nice and dry. As I lower her bottom gently into the sink, the water comes on and drenches her in cold water. They didn't tell me the taps were automatically activated by an infra-red sensor (even in the dark).

We staggered soggily and hysterically back to Bill's office, I threw the baby at him and collapsed.

My three girls

I've been having fun getting used to three feathered friends - I've never done this before but have fancied having chickens in the garden for a long time. I decided to finally get them for my 40th birthday, which was last year but what with having to sort out a run for them, and then being pregnant/tired/having a new baby, we thought it best to wait till the Spring.

These 3 are Cotswold Legbars and lay lovely pale blue eggs - you may be able to buy them at your supermarket in a blue box under the Clarence Court label. We haven't thought of names for them yet - ideas in the comments box, please!


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When Isabelle grabbed a piece of pizza crust and started happily chomping, we thought it was probably time to start weaning!


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So here she is, having her first taste of mango and banana puree. She's sitting on Daddy's knee, and Tamsin is doing the feeding!

This was a week or two ago, and since then she really hasn't been too keen on trying much. Quite often, she refuses to eat anything at all. It's not a problem - I know mummymilk is quite adequate for the job for a long time yet.


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Major disaster!

We've run out of tea-bags, and shops are shut ........ (gasp, wheeze....)

I hope to blog properly later, with pics of the chickens.

Chickens, and returning to work

We have new family members - three Cotswold Legbar chickens, as yet nameless. We got them on Monday morning, but it has been planned for a while - almost a year, in fact. I decided they would be my 40th birthday present last year, but in the event, the amount of time it took to plan how and where to keep them and then my advanced state of pregnancy and tiredness meant we delayed it till the Spring. Bill has spent a fair bit of time constructing a fence to section off a large corner of the garden, and they will have a pretty nice space to live in. I'm anxious about losing them to foxes, but will just have to hope there aren't any daytime roaming ones, which is when they'll be vulnerable.

Tomorrow morning I return to work after maternity leave. I wish I didn't have to - I haven't got time! And it will completely remove any little bit of me-time I've had when I've been at home while Tamsin was at playschool (Isabelle doesn't count as interrupting my me-time much, yet!). But financially we simply can't manage without my income. It's pretty straightforward child-care wise. Tamsin will be at playschool, and I can take Isabelle into the office with me as much as necessary. My Dad will still come over on a Thursday to collect Isabelle from me at about 11am, to have her for a couple of hours, and Kate, with whom I job-share, will do something similar on Fridays. I had Kate's youngest this morning from 9-12.30pm in return. It will work fine, and it's as good a job as I'm likely to get to combine with having a family, with its flexibility, but a private income would be preferable, LOL! I don't know how or if it will work in just over a year's time, when Tamsin will no longer go to playschool, but I'll have to move towards working something out as time goes on. Maybe I'll have to spend money on a childminder.

So the next few weeks will be about getting into a new routine and seeing how it all holds together.

Happy Birthday Benjamin

I wonder what birthdays are like in heaven? Perhaps they don't have them. Perhaps heaven is just one long party anyway! Perhaps he's all grown up already, or perhaps he's ageless now. If he'd still been here he would have been 6 years old today. What a strange thought - that I would have had a 6-year old son. I can't make any sense of that. All I know is a tiny baby. We still miss him, but it doesn't hurt most of the time. But I guess I can be excused a bit of a slump today, when I've abandoned the 'no TV till 5pm' rule and left Tamsin in front of the box while I lie about taking things easy.

Soon we'll go out to take flowers to his grave, and this afternoon we'll make some cakes. I have a candle burning all day.

Love you, Ben.

Wednesday and Thursday

Wednesday had Tamsin at playschool in the morning while I tried to reduce the washing mountain at home. In the afternoon we went to meet with other home-edders at someone's house locally - we went to the February meeting but missed last month. It was OK and quite successful in that Tamsin relatively happily just disappeared off outside without me, to run around with the other kids, which is a first! Makes me hopeful that she might do the same at Kessingland and join in with everyone else more. I asked if anyone was going to Hesfes, and several of them looked at me blankly! I had to explain.... But also quite a few of them have some kids in school and some at home, so they can't go. No-one from that group is going. I did note the classic thing that people say about home-educated kids, but which I hadn't really experienced for myself till yesterday, but I was surprised how easily these youngsters chatted to me and were very comfortable mixing with all ages. Really nice.

Today, Thursday involved me going to Cheltenham for the first 'Gloucestershire Real Nappy Network' meeting - funding has just been received to launch a campaign to promote cloth nappies in the County (focusing on Cheltenham and Gloucester to start with) and I was invited to be on the Steering Group. Tamsin was at playschool and I took Isabelle with me. I took the opportunity of my Dad collecting Tamsin, and myself being in Cheltenham to do a little shopping. Got a few bits and pieces from Booksale and Lush, but was fairly restrained. Got home by 3.30pm as Isabelle got very whingey twice. Once was when she was hungry but I couldn't figure out what was wrong the second time, and I just got fed up and decided to call it a day.

I keep forgetting to say, but I must record what a fabulous job Bill has done with laying a new wooden kitchen floor. It's a vast, vast improvement, and I'm really pleased with it!!

This morning, while Tamsin was at playschool, obviously my first priority was to catch up on the blogring! But I didn't get too bogged down, and also pureed a load of carrots and apples and froze them in icecube trays, prepared week 3 of Sound of the Week, got some ingredients into the breadmaker and set it going, and played with Isabelle a bit.

After collecting Tamsin and coming home via the supermarket for a few essentials, everything went a bit pear-shaped :-( Isabelle had fallen asleep in the car but woke up when we got home, even though she was still tired. After a short time at home, she started to get very whingey, and needed to go back to sleep. The following hour got very stressful, because her normal methods of going to sleep for a nap either by feeding or being rocked in her car seat just didn't work. I was asking Tamsin to keep quiet so that Isabelle could fall asleep, but no matter what I did, she just wouldn't sleep but was just whingeing, fussing and crying. It was taking so long, and I felt I was being so unfair to Tamsin by asking her to keep quiet, that I just left Isabelle to it, hoping she would just fall asleep, while I gave Tamsin some much-needed attention and did the Sound of the Week words and pictures with her. Isabelle's crying just escalated, though, so I tried again and fed her and rocked her again, and eventually she fell asleep. I took her carseat upstairs so that we wouldn't disturb her again, but it was only about 30-40 minutes before she woke up again, still tired. I rocked her carseat and she was just dropping off again, when Tamsin came upstairs. I just managed to shush her in time, and although it disturbed Isabelle a little, she seemed to go to sleep. 2 minutes later she was *screaming*, and the only thing I can think of is she must have been having a bad dream, because there was certainly nothing else to make her scream like that. I knew she was still tired, though, and she almost dropped off again, except that Tamsin kept disturbing us. Poor girl, I'd been asking her to keep quiet just too much, and she couldn't keep doing it, and in the end I just brought Isabelle downstairs again to wake her up fully, even though she was still overtired.

I just don't know how it's 'supposed' to be done. How do you get a baby to nap regularly and properly with an older child or children in the house? We have too many of these times when I'm just always shushing Tamsin and then she interrupts at the crucial moment and Isabelle just won't sleep. Good daytime sleep helps achieve good night-time sleep, and also an over-tired baby won't do so well in many ways, so it's important. I will not just leave her to 'cry it out' - that is not something I could do for many reasons, but how can I take the time to teach her to fall asleep well at naptime and/or bedtime when I've got Tamsin to look after too? It just seems to be an impossible juggling act. At bedtime Tamsin said "I don't love you, because you shout at me..." I don't take the 'not loving' bit to heart, but it does show that it all gets too stressful in this house too often!

After all that fiasco, the rest of the afternoon went better. Tamsin did some more StudyDog (still only at the very beginning though), and, trying to think of something else to do with her when she got bored of that, I signed up for the EducationCity trial, on which she did just a few minutes. I managed to prepare a proper healthy meal again (did some menu planning a few days ago), and then the blessed 5pm came when I put the TV on for an hour of Dora, plus dinner, followed by a bath and bed.

Monday

Was a pretty good day on the whole, although quite hard getting through with no TV until 5pm, and I did also leave the PC off till then and I *really* missed it. I think it was much better without, though, because what tends to happen is I get on the PC and get kind of mesmerised by it and then don't think clearly about what else needs to be done. I stayed more mentally alert yesterday, on the whole! But as I slept through the evening again last night, and Tamsin is at playschool this morning, I thought I would catch up a bit.

So, yesterday included Brio, reading (including this one about evolution as recommended by Nic, which has given me some food for thought and the need to do some more reading and deciding of my own), playdough, and lots of "copy me" games, where Tamsin wants me to copy whatever she is doing (very boring....). We walked the dog, and pretended to be Dora the Explorer and Thomas the Tank Engine. After lunch we went swimming, which both girls really enjoyed, and then home to a meal which I had already (efficiently) mostly prepared earlier, plus the long-awaited hour with Dora on Nick Jr, then TV was switched off again before bed. At the last minute, Tamsin decided she wanted to do some StudyDog, which I didn't think she liked much, but I obliged and she went right back to the beginning to do the letters of the alphabet, which is rather easy for her but I guess a bit of revision and morale-boosting isn't a bad idea.

This morning (Tuesday) she's read all the words on our "sound of the week" poster (still only on week 2, even though we started back in January, LOL! - that's how much of a procrastinator and disorganised I am) and requested to do some more, so I will prepare week 3 sounds and words this morning while she's out and put them together this afternoon.

Isabelle has woken - must go now!

Edit: Forgot to say that a major part of the morning was vacuuming with my new G-Tech cleaner - the big advantage of which is that it is light enough and quiet enough for Tamsin, and in fact she grabbed it off me and insisted on doing the whole house - result! I think I might make this 'her job' to give her some responsibility round the house and some fun as well.

Thomas, a tooth, and Turnoff TV week

Saturday saw Tamsin, Isabelle and me having a Day Out With Thomas while DH stayed at home fitting the new wooden floor in our kitchen, yay! Tamsin was thrilled, as last year, to see Thomas, Henry, Diesel, Toby and so on in 'real life'!! So we had a good but exhausting day out, and came home to find good progress being made with the new floor.

Today has been full of surprises. The first was at church this morning when Isabelle chomped on my finger, as she likes to do, but this time there was a little sharp tooth poking through at the bottom!! Tamsin didn't get her first tooth till 8 months, so this is 'early' for us.

I had already decided that I would start giving Isabelle some real food this week, as I am due to go back to work next week, and although I can have her with me in the office a fair bit and make sure she is well fed before someone takes her away for an hour or two, knowing that she can have some other food if we get the timing all wrong eases my mind a little. And we're only a week earlier than the 'officially allowed' weaning age anyway. My decision was confirmed with the arrival of the tooth, and the fact that she grabbed a piece of Bill's pizza at lunchtime and sucked and chomped on it with great delight. I had hoped to wait till she was grabbing food off us before starting weaning, so I'm glad that happened first! So we then introduced her to a little pureed mango and banana (courtesy of Baby Organix) and she was a bit bemused but interested! I have a little frisson of 'earth-mother' guilt that her first food was not 'home-made and pureed', but I think I can get over it ;-)

My other decision for the week is that the TV will be off all day until 5pm this week, it being TV Turnoff Week. I can't quite bring myself to lose it completely all week, and chose 5pm because then Tamsin can just watch an hour of Dora, her current absolute favourite, while I produce some dinner, and I can watch something in the evening if I want without breaking my own rule! I have yet to decide whether the PC will join the daytime ban - I certainly think it might help our days run smoother if it did, but do I have the willpower?? It would be an interesting experiment for a week.

I also want to just muse a little on something that's bothering me. I have been thinking this week that I can barely remember Isabelle as a newborn. I know that when she was born, I kept on feeling that I wasn't getting enough time just to be with her. I resented the time that Tamsin and other household demands took me away from her, and TBH that feeling that I haven't quite had enough time with her has persisted. I carry her as much as possible, and use a sling when my shoulders/back can cope, but still can't get over this feeling. I think it must be all the other demands, particularly of Tamsin, but I am feeling sad because I feel I am missing out, in some way, of really 'knowing' her and being 'with' her, and this is my last chance as I do feel in many ways that I don't want any more children.

Not much about HE

Not much blatant HE going on here but plenty of playing including Tamsin learning to play 'Snap' with her Thomas the Tank Engine playing cards, which she has enjoyed and requested to do several times over the past few days. Other things have been occupying my mind recently:

1. I've just become Chairperson of the Playgroup that Tamsin attends, and my first important job was to make sure the forms to claim the Nursery Grant were sent in on time..... and I missed it :-( Not the final claim date, thankfully, but the interim date which would have meant the playschool received 50% of its grant this week instead of in June. I had to confess at the first meeting I led last night. Great big OOPS! The rest of the committee and the staff were very kind about it, and turned down my offer to lend them the £2000 or so for the two months that they will now have to wait for the money. The final claim has been posted today, in good time!

2. At last, nearly six years after the event, we have decided what to do with Benjamin's heart and lungs that were retained at Birmingham Children's Hospital. Being the procrastinators that we are, we had wrestled with the issue now and then but not come to a final conclusion. In the end, we have decided to allow them to be used for research purposes if approved by the Hospital Ethics Committee. This way, it may be that they lead to the cause of Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome being discovered some time, and that would be good :-)

3. At the first opportunity we've had to talk together without kids present, I talked to my friend Kate about the 'Center Parcs incident' which I was hurt about a couple of weeks ago. I was surprised to find myself go all weepy about it, but the air is cleared and there is no problem :-)

4. I've been monitoring myself more closely, and I do have serious concerns about my energy levels and my ability to HE. I generally feel tired, irritable and unable to think clearly or constructively from about noon onwards for the rest of the afternoon. Even when I do occasionally manage a nap, I don't recover from it and am still very sluggish all afternoon. And in about 2 weeks time I will be returning to work for 3 mornings per week. We seem to have very little quality time together when I feel alert enough to suggest ideas and participate in activities with Tamsin. Sometimes I gather ideas and plan things for the coming day or two, but a vast amount of the time they just get put aside because I'm tired and not in the mood, and TV is easier. I will keep thinking about this and monitoring how things are going, but I don't feel good about my ability to do a good job with HE at the moment. It may be that I just need a good detox diet and some regular exercise, but I'm generally too knackered to plan and carry through those plans either!

Anyway, I now have about 1.5 hours before Tamsin comes home, and I've got to go and do a big food shop as the cupboards are almost bare.

What is it with these women???!

I'm sorry, I can't keep this in any longer. I have watched a couple of TV programmes like this in the past couple of days, and right now I am watching "Who Rules the Roost", and the world seems to be full of people who have sparkling kitchens and dust-less living rooms, and *completely ignored* children!!! And this woman is *disinfecting the garden*!!! OMG, what is the point of that? Disinfecting the slide, swing and playhouse door handle? Please, get a life, and some decent information about micro-organisms and the human immune system!!!

I cannot believe how much energy people spend on scrubbing, dusting, tidying and cleaning. Yes, it would be lovely to live in a pristine house, but not at the expense of leaving my children uncuddled, unplayed with and scared to move in case they make a mess. And when I do have time to spare, I would rather sit and read, or blog, or chat to friends on the phone, than clean!

I'm not saying my way is the perfect way - there must be a middle ground somewhere. I probably don't spend enough time cleaning and tidying, but for heaven's sake, some people are *too clean and tidy*!!

Wake up!

(Sigh) ... yes, slept through the evening again last night. This is getting boring. Missed ER, although at least I can catch up on Sunday or Monday on other channels....

Yesterday was good - Tamsin went to playschool in the morning and I arranged for my Dad to pick her up and look after her for the afternoon; meanwhile I drove Bill to work in Oxford so that he could pick up his (old) new car - an Astra - and he showed off his newest offspring to his work colleagues. Then I went into Oxford city centre to SHOP! Found the Laura Ashley sale and bought some stuff for Tamsin - how come I just find it impossible to shop and buy stuff for myself these days, but can spend any amount of money on the kids? Also interesting how I never even look at full-price stuff (except shoes and underwear) but only buy from sales or 2nd hand stuff! I also had a fab hour or so browsing round Borders - my idea of bliss!

Today seems to have been manic with not much achieved. I feel like I've been rushing from one thing to another, constantly being interrupted by the demands of 2 children, and never actually getting anything finished. I keep trying to tidy up, and never manage it. Anyway, what we *have* done is:
- some more scissors/cutting practice (cut pics out but never got round to sticking them)
- dancing to music (PE, rhythm/music skills)
- reading a few nursery rhymes/poems
- lots of pretending/role play
- lots of 'Dora' episodes watched, and then the TV switched off afterwards
- went to the library: Tamsin rode her bike there
- a little bit of play with the cheap Geomag-equivalents (which Bill bought recently without knowing anything about the blogring bandwagon!)
- I've washed, dried and folded 3 loads of washing - 4th load needs drying.
- received an unusual number of phone calls - that's probably where much of the time went.

Isabelle has been charming people everywhere she goes with spontaneous smiles without waiting to be smiled at first! I wonder if she's going to turn out to be more outgoing and confident with people than Tamsin is at the moment.

I was thinking today how, if Tamsin was going to Reception in September as she 'should', I would be really worried about it. She still needs a *lot* of Mummy time, has snuggled on my knee while doing the scissors/cutting and reading, wants to be carried a lot, was worriedly asking this morning whether we were going to stay together all day today or not, and I really feel that it would be very detrimental to her to be forced away from me for 5 days a week. What a relief not to be facing that.

Hooray!

Friend's baby arrived safe and well late yesterday afternoon. Girl, 8lb 3.5oz. No other details except that I guess this means the induction took 24+ hours, so I hope it wasn't too awful, but I will find out in due course. She's the friend who had one stillborn twin in her first pregnancy, so I'm extra-specially glad that all has gone well.

I haven't heard about the other friend's baby - must make a few calls and find out what's happened/is happening!

5pm: edit - A baby boy, also born yesterday at home in the early hours!! Two babies on one day - wowee!!

Another lost evening

Yes, yet another evening slept through, slightly different this time in that we all (kids and parents) fell asleep together in the big bed and nobody moved until 11.30pm... at which stage Bill and I got up to do some of the stuff we hadn't got done.

Anyway, yesterday had some notable stuff. Firstly, Tamsin didn't request TV at breakfast time as usual, but generally tootled about and got interested in her Learning Land CDs and magazines again. After breakfast she got on with some of the CD-Rom learning activities, including a 'spot the difference' puzzle which is so important in learning to read, but which isn't one of her strongest skills, so it was good she got some practice on that and I saw some improvement after she had done several of them. Cutting with scissors is another of her weaknesses, so I printed off some practice pages (can't remember where from (maybe Donna Young?) but one of the sites recommended on the MuddlePuddle e-mail list recently). She didn't do very well! The first page I showed her had horizontal lines printed across the page to practice cutting, and she insisted that she couldn't do it that way, but cut one big vertical cut instead and then just chopped the rest into little bits. Perhaps a little practice everyday is called for. It's another skill that indicates fine motor control and therefore helps with writing later on.

Mid-morning we took the dog out for a walk, and practiced careful listening. A couple of times I stopped and asked her to shut her eyes, and then tell me all the sounds she could hear. She got most of them - normally 4 or 5 different sounds at a time - but strangely she missed what to me was the most obvious which was the grand orchestra of birdsong! Later on (when we were far from anyone in the fields, LOL!) we practiced copying the sounds we could hear. Both these skills are recommended in the recently-received Fundamentals course.

She did of course watch Dora the Explorer in the morning (NB Isabelle slept nearly all morning - in the sling!) and then, after a quick lunch, we went off to Stratford-on-Avon. I wanted to get some summer shoes or sandals for her, and some slip-on trainers for me. Success for Tamsin but not for me. Then we went off to the swimming pool which was only the second time for me taking both of them. I had got some arm-bands recently, so although it seems a retrograde step to start putting Tamsin in inflatable stuff when she's never been used to it, it helped me feel a bit more confident in dealing with both of them on my own.

When we got home, Tamsin had Isabelle absolutely screaming with laughter by jumping over her repeatedly - a move which I felt was somewhat risky but it was so funny to hear Isabelle laughing so much that I didn't stop them, and no injuries occurred!

Then came dinner, which Tamsin refused (brown rice instead of white ...) and the somnolent evening.

This morning (Tuesday) Tamsin is back at playschool, so I'm really enjoying the peace in the house as so far Isabelle is still asleep and I can get some stuff done!

The weekend...

Boring title, but maybe the contents will be even more boring. I'm sure I ought to be able to think of something significant we did at the weekend, but my mind is mostly blank (as usual)...

Went to an NCT second-hand sale on Saturday, but didn't get much. It was just too crowded and not much there in the 4-5 year range which is what I was after. Bill said beforehand "don't bring any more toys home", so I had to avoid those...! I did buy a 'teaching French' game which will be useful for later, and a couple of workbooks for £1 each instead of £2.99. Oh, and when I recently got out from the loft all the 6-12 month clothes, I found everything except vests and babygros - I wonder where they've all gone? So I tried to get some more but there wasn't much around so had to buy some new ones too.

There does seem to have been a bit of progress on reading with Tamsin. She requested "Hop on Pop" one night at bedtime, and then asked to read it herself ... so we did lots of sounding out of letter sounds and blending them together, and she did quite well! Since then, while reading I've suggested she tries to read the odd simple three-letter word, and she quite enjoys trying. I think we may be on the second step of the reading ladder!

I have 2 friends due to give birth any day now ... and one of them is going in to be induced today because in her first pregnancy one of her twins was stillborn, so she's too anxious to go past 39 weeks. So I'm nervously awaiting news....

Not a productive day then...

I don't quite know where the day's gone, but I seem to have achieved precious little. The CTF thing took a long time with lots of web research and reading, and in the end have decided on what seems to be the only ethical CTF account there is, despite the high fees. It's all a bonus anyway, isn't it?

Isabelle only took extremely short naps, apart from when I went with her and then we managed an hour with a bit of feeding/soothing in the middle. The house is still a complete mess and there's nothing for dinner except something instant from the freezer. Ah well....

Jobs for the day

Tamsin's gone to my Dad's for the day - great relief on my part as she got so distraught last time that she didn't go. Don't know what that was all about. Anyway as it's still Easter holidays she hasn't been going to playschool this week and last week, so it's just lovely to have some quiet space where she is out of the house. However, anyone who can tell me how to get Isabelle to stay asleep for more than 15 minutes at a time will earn my undying gratitude! She's still tired, she hasn't napped long enough, yet she just won't stay asleep.

Anyway, today's jobs list is:

1. Investigate and decide on Child Trust Fund account - DONE
2. Do a bit more 'money' administration
3. Do some tidying and filing of the piles of papers
4. Read and get a grip on the "Fundamentals" pre-school development programme which arrived yesterday
5. Have a nap and try to get rid of this headache I've had for 3 days - had nap but still got headache :-(

I hate titles!

But apart from that, there are some nice things to blog. All out of order, just as they occur to me.

This morning started, by Tamsin's request, with Studydog, when she saw the icon on my computer desktop. (It's not very often she gets to the computer before me in the morning!!) I discouraged her from starting with the letters of the alphabet, as it was rather tedious and she knows all her letter sounds, so we went straight to 'beginning letter sounds', where she did reasonably well when she could pay enough attention to actually listen to the instructions. However, I don't like the way they use letter names rather than sounds, as it seems to me that's just unnecessarily confusing the situation. When she moved on to rhyming sounds and then the consonants with two different sounds, she didn't do too well. I got rather irritated by her not listening properly to the instructions, or maybe they were just too complicated for her, and suggested she switch it off, which she was happy to do.

We also did some train track, which hasn't happened for a few days (I think her Thomas obsession is beginning to flag a little, to be replaced by a Dora obsession). I managed to make the living room look relatively respectable while she watched a bit of Nick Jr. I know a better way would be to engage her in helping to clear up with me, but she hates loud noises and always wants to stay well away from the vacuum cleaner.

I can't think what else happened this morning, but after lunch we went out. Tamsin requested a trip to the toyshop, but as the one in town is closed on a Tuesday I suggested we went to the next town. However after a trip to one shop, Isabelle wanted feeding, so we went back to the car and then a sag of energy on my part made me feel I wanted some adult company rather than continuing to only engage with a 3-year old all afternoon, so I called in to a friend's house and Tamsin played happily with her kids while I had some welcome intelligent chat!

Yesterday I decided not to take a trip to the Cotswold Farm Park due to the bad weather forecast, but when by lunchtime, the anticipated rain had not arrived, I changed my mind and we went anyway. We had a lovely time, with a very educational view of a lamb being born!!! Tamsin also held a chick, and enjoyed the pigs, calves, goat kids, rabbits, guinea pigs and riding round on both the pedal tractors and electric tractors. She really impressed me on the latter 'ride' as she stopped at the lines on the painted roads and looked each way before moving on!

I can't remember much about the weekend except that Bill took up the grotty carpet and lino in our kitchen in preparation for a new wooden floor. I'm planning to paint the walls, and maybe even the cabinets as well.

Oh, and there was also the phone call from my mum, complete with hysterical sobbing. This is maybe only the beginning of the fallout from my brother's recent divorce. My ex-SIL had written mum a letter in response to receiving a birthday card from my Mum. My Mum read it out to me, and to me it sounded incredibly thoughtful, well-balanced and truthful, but my Mum took great offence to a phrase which included a reference to my parents' "bad divorce" ... I didn't quite get to the bottom of why she was offended at the time, as she put the phone down on me in floods of tears, but spoke to her later and could hardly believe my ears. Over the years the relationship between my Mum and my brother and SIL has been touchy and difficult at times, but now the divorce has happened I think the knives are out. But to hear my Mum spitting out critical comments on my SIL's character in an almost exact description of her *own* character was almost unbelievable, and quite funny! I guess we're all quite blind to our own faults, but it was hard to believe she couldn't see what she was saying. I did point it out to her..... Ugh, I could blog about this whole situation for hours, but suffice to say I would rather spend time in my SIL's company than my mum's, and also that situations like this leave me feeling tense and unsettled, as I am *so* not good at conflict.

Anyway, gotta go now and try and catch the end of Ebay's 5p listing day to sell some baby clothes.

The one where Bill comes home...

Bill is back safely and all has gone well - he now knows all about the insides of laser printers - thrilling, isn't it?

Anyway I have made efforts to give Tamsin much more attention today, including some particularly concentrated one-to-one time just before lunch. It will be interesting to see if continuing to do this will ease the separation anxiety she has been showing occasionally lately, and reduce the general clinginess and demandingness. I just have to try to overcome my extreme boredom at playing 3-year old games ... and try to steer it to activities I find more acceptable like reading to her, doing jigsaws or some craft stuff.

Well it couldn't have got worse so it had to get better!

My mood, that is. Thank goodness I've felt better today. Bill is away on a course till tomorrow, and my Mum has come to stay - arriving at lunchtime today till tomorrow. I still managed to waste all morning on the computer, searching for possible birthday presents for Tamsin - and found this, only available in the USA! Hmm, but she is now a BIG Dora fan, so I have to decide if the cost of it and getting it shipped over here (an extra $65 surface mail, yikes or $225 air mail - I don't think so!!) is totally out of the question or should we just stick to a trampoline or a playhouse or something?

Anyway, Mum arrived after that, and we went off out in the foggy mist/misty fog?? to a lavender farm where we had a fantastic late lunch and then on to Bourton-on-the-Water model railway museum which thrilled Tamsin. Later on, a conversation with my Mum may have shed light on Tamsin's recent behaviour problems in that she needs some concentrated one-to-one time from me, rather than us just both being 'around' but not really doing stuff together. I was thinking I was spending plenty of time with her, but really I haven't been paying her much positive attention, as blogged yesterday, because I've really been finding her very difficult. But probably I need to turn that round and give her the concentrated attention and then she'll be less difficult to be with? Worth a try, anyway. It's strange how I know all this stuff very clearly - kids misbehave as negative attention is better than no attention at all - but it's so easy to miss it in your own life.

Anyway, an early-ish night (10.30pm now) is probably in order and turn over a new leaf tomorrow!!!

Catching up

There's been some good stuff going on lately, but I keep being so tired I just fall asleep in the evening and don't get to blog.

We had a good Easter weekend including getting some jobs done or at least started which have been outstanding for months or years, including stripping the old varnish off some old tables and starting to re-paint, painting Tamsin's new toyboxes, Bill getting a towel rail up in the bathroom, and buying wooden flooring to go in the kitchen and toilet. We also had a great morning at church on Easter Sunday when seven baptisms took place, five of which were planned in advance and two were spontaneous!

Tamsin's done some CD-Rom learning, loves to type into a blank Word document, decorated some eggs with me on Good Friday and learned a lot of Spanish on Easter Sunday courtesy of Dora. However we don't like the constant "I want one of those" that she shouts at almost every advert, so as of yesterday as far as she is concerned Nick Jr is 'broken' (well, if you take the Sky card out, it is!) and it's CBeebies or nothing. I've done quite a lot of switching the TV off and refusing to put it on for a few hours, as I really don't like it on that much. Trouble is, I have to have the stamina for non-TV days.

And today especially I have been in a foul mood and could quite happily have sent everybody else to go and live with Grandpa forever, or something. I don't know what comes first - my bad mood or Tamsin's irritating behaviour. Maybe I just don't like 3-year olds. I know mine drives me mad far too much of the time, and I'm finding I just don't want to interact with her. I don't want to have to repeat myself 3 or 4 times, ending up shouting before she takes any notice of me; I don't want to have to repeat the rules of acceptable behaviour 20 times per day for another two years before she follows them; I don't want to pretend to be a dog on a lead or any other kind of plaything, and I don't want to be climbed on, jumped on and generally prodded about at all!

Thank goodness that Bill had an extra day off today, so he took over when I fell asleep on the sofa at lunchtime and then took Tamsin out for the afternoon. If you're reading, Bill, please do that again - lots!

Interview questions

Thanks to Sarah for another great idea. It's a way for us all in the blogring to get to know each other a little better. If you want to participate, look at the end of this entry to find out how.

1. Can you tell us something about your 'decision to home ed' process - formative books, influential people, that sort of thing?

I really don't know when I first heard about the idea of home education, or when it became attractive to me. It feels like something I've known about forever. I think it became much more focussed for me when I read John Holt, "How Children Fail" and "How Children Learn". I went on the web and found his Growing Without Schooling website, and since then, as is my way, I have read an awful lot, including "Free Range Education" by Terri Dowty, and several others. I would say I have been sold on the theory of home education ever since I heard of it, but unsure about my ability to actually do it in terms of having the commitment and energy for it. Then somebody gave me the very wise advice that it isn't an irrevocable decision - and just to take it a year at a time (or even a term at a time if necessary)!


2. How do you think you will measure 'success' in your family's home education? (Feel free to reword the question - I'm trying to get at what will make you feel that you've succeeded, as opposed to any 'success' on the children's behalf!)

I want my children to feel free to be interested in anything. At school, there were definitely subjects it wasn't "cool" to be interested in, e.g. poetry, classical music, maths, or in fact to be intelligent or particularly successful at anything (teenage years particularly). If my children have wide-ranging interests that don't just coincide with the current 'fashions', find their passion in life and pursue it, and are the sort of people who work hard in their chosen field, then I will be delighted. I also want them to be people of integrity, to aim for excellence of character, and full of care and compassion for others. If they are that sort of person, I don't mind what they're doing for a living!


3. What is your all time favourite book and why (adults or children's, doesn't matter!)?

This is so difficult, as there are so many books that I have found powerful and moving and have taught me something, but there are 2 books that have had the most life-changing impact on me (apart from the Bible), so I'm going to 'cheat' and tell you about both! The first is "The Continuum Concept" by Jean Liedloff. Not that I follow it very closely, because I now think it doesn't have to be an 'all or nothing' thing, but it is the book that turned me away from conventional parenting and gave me a greater insight into some of the problems of so-called 'civilised' societies. It gave me an awful lot of food for thought over the years, and has probably changed who I am quite noticeably. I came across it nearly 20 years ago, when I didn't have children and didn't intend having any, but felt it contained something of the absolute "truth" about life that I constantly seek and love.
The second book is "Stormie" by Stormie Omartian. This is the life story of a 60s singer and actress who was on the verge of suicide when she found faith in Jesus and gradually, over 14 years, was restored to full emotional health. When I have been barely clinging on by my fingernails, it has been this story that has given me hope and the strength to carry on.

4. If you could live anywhere in the world where would you live?

I would love to live for a while somewhere in the mountains, where I could ski a lot! I would adore living in Colorado (even though John Denver's no longer there) or somewhere like Switzerland would be great. I think I would also love the California coast for a while. Having said all that, I love living where I do now (North Cotswolds, Gloucestershire) and would probably be very homesick for the UK if I lived anywhere abroad, and would miss my friends and family, so I think I'll probably stay put!


5. What is the thing that annoys you above all else, and what is the thing that you love above all else? Interpret any way you like!!!

The thing that can get me angrier than anything else is people talking about me behind my back, in a kind of condescending way, "there, there, poor dear, we'd better discuss what's best for her because she's not capable...". This has a specific history, which I don't want to go into, but I know exactly where it comes from and I have been known to go incandescent with rage when it felt like this was what was happening to me. I hate, therefore, not knowing what official correspondence is saying about me (thinking of doctor's referral letters and the like) in case that's the attitude they're taking.

The thing I love above all else - well, I feel I ought to say here that it's Jesus since, based on my true beliefs, He is the one to whom I owe everything, but in simple 'feelings' terms, the winners are my children, particularly so because it's been so unexpected. I didn't want children when I was younger, thought I would never have any, and certainly didn't consider myself maternal at all. What a complete surprise and revelation it has been to me to have children and discover that my entire worldview has changed and my entire image of myself has changed so drastically. And I just love how my own children (most of the time) have to me a kind of 'Ready Brek' glow around them that just makes them the most beautiful things in the whole world. I do love my husband, too, but I 'expected' that, and it's the shock of loving my children so much that makes it seem so strong to me.


If YOU want to be interviewed:

1. Leave me a comment saying “interview me.”
2. I will respond by asking you five questions (not the same as you see here).
3. You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions. (If you don’t have a blog, let this inspire you to begin one!!)
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions

The one where Tamsin doesn't go to Grandpa's

Tamsin usually has a great time on her 'Grandpa days' - when my Dad comes to fetch her and take her to his house and/or out for the day. But she's been getting quite clingy lately, always wanting to be picked up and carried, and yesterday she kept hanging on to me when I was trying to leave her at playschool as well (though she wasn't crying, and loves playschool). And this morning she got so upset and distraught at leaving me that in the end we gave up and she stayed home. I can't work out what's going on. Either I've been such a monster mummy lately that she thinks I don't love her any more so is afraid to leave me in case I disappear, or it's a delayed 'new baby' reaction... or something else? It's worrying, though.

And I was planning on catching up on a bit of sleep while she was out today, which obviously didn't happen, so I was tired and unmotivated today too - cue too much Tv again except when were out at Tesco's doing a big shop. I had to try and buy her Easter egg without her seeing it. Am planning an Easter Egg Hunt round the house on Sunday, although we've never done one before so it's new for all of us.

And now I must go to bed - I'm whacked.

The one where Isabelle rolls over!

Yes, I popped out of the room for a few minutes this morning (to check my e-mail, of course) and heard a bit of complaining from Isabelle in the next room - went back in, to find her stuck lying on her tummy! I left her on her back, and Tamsin swears Isabelle did it all on her own. She's also cooing lots, chewing on fingers lots (hers and ours) and smiling lots.

Packed Tamsin off to playschool this morning, and came home and mostly just vegged on the computer, napped for half-an-hour and then off to the homeopath, to complain all about my lethargy, lack of motivation and irritability. I have a remedy to take tonight and tomorrow morning, and then wait a couple of weeks to see what happens.

Kate collected Tamsin from playschool and brought her home, and I asked her if she'd had a nice time at Center Parcs ........ she said yes, and then mumbled in some embarrassment "Oh, I didn't tell you we were going, did I?" and a quick explanation about how the other friend she HAD gone with had booked it, got it very cheaply, and invited Kate & Co to go with her .... and it was all very last minute .... Hmmm. It still doesn't explain why she didn't say a word to me about it either before or after until I raised it. We talk to each other most days, for one thing and another. It wasn't a good time to have a conversation about it as Isabelle was fussing madly, K's daughter fell over and bumped herself right then, and Kate had to rush off to get her eldest from school. I still don't feel good about it all, and think we need to clear the air a little, but we're almost never child-free for an uninterrupted conversation so it might be difficult.

This afternoon we've washed the car and discovered that Tamsin can't take a dose of her own medicine .... after pointing the hose at me and getting me wet about 4 times (yes, I know how foolish it is to let the 3-year-old have control of the hose), and after warnings, I took it off her and sprayed her ... resulting in floods of tears, naturellement! After a bit of joint TV/computer time, I then went up in the loft to get the 6-9 month baby clothes out, but couldn't find the door bouncer thing anywhere, which I am sure Isabelle would start to love about now. Tamsin absolutely adored it. Apart from that, I have spent far too much time bidding on stuff on Ebay, and now really *must* get on with finishing off updating our finances, and doing a new budget.

Oh, and last night's waking total was 5: 3 wakings by Isabelle, 1 by Tamsin and 1 by Bill, all between midnight and 6.30am. No wonder I'm so knackered.

The one where I get hurt by a friend

Nothing to do with HE, but it's been on my mind all day, so I have to blog it. My friend, Kate, with whom I job-share and child-share and spend quite a lot of time, has been to Center Parcs this weekend. How nice for her, you might think. Except that she and her family went last year, with another friend and her daughter, and discussing it afterwards I said I would love to do that. She said they were thinking of making it an annual 'March' event, so every now and then over the past few months I would ask her if they were making any plans to go again because we would love to go with them. She always said they hadn't planned anything yet. And then this morning I popped in to see her at work (I am still on maternity leave) to ask about some child-care, only to find my temporary replacement there instead and when I asked where Kate was, she said "Center Parcs". So she has deliberately not said anything to me, and kept it quiet and gone without us.

I thought we were good friends, I thought we got on very well, I get on well (but not *too well*!) with her husband (in fact I knew him first because we met at work), our kids have a great time together ...... so what's the problem? I'm hurt, and I'm not sure how to handle it. After all, she's not obliged to invite us on her holiday, is she? And, TBH, we don't tend to deeply share things. I tend to go into relationships at what I think is the other person's comfort level. If they are open and confiding, then I am too. If they are inhibited and private, so am I. And Kate and I definitely have the more 'inhibited and private' type of relationship. So to confront her directly about it would definitely be a step beyond where we've been - and maybe I'd hear something I don't want to hear? But there's a lump in my chest and a dark cloud has been cast over a lovely day.

Anyway, apart from that, Tamsin has had some definite biological education today when I took her with me for my smear test ... oh and a lovely conversation while I was dressing afterwards when she was asking me how did you spell 'test', and I encouraged her to tell me how she thought it was spelled, as I said the word very slowly, and she got it absolutely right! We've worked through her new 'Postman Pat' magazine with its stories, puzzles and questions. We've read about Jesus' entry into Jerusalem in the Children's Bible. We've done a bit of Brio train track, and quite a lot of watching Nick Jr.

Am also feeling a bit useless educationally. 'Everybody else' seems to know where they are with their HE, i.e. they are Montessori, or autonomous, or Steiner-influenced or something. I still don't feel I know enough about any of those things to know if I want to follow them. We don't do much. In some ways I think that's right, because one of my reasons for wanting to HE is that I think formal learning comes too soon in this country, and there is not enough time for free play, but is that just my excuse for being plain lazy? I spend much of my day at the computer with Tamsin in front of the TV and playing with something at the same time. I don't think it's right, but I feel at a bit of a loss to know what activities to put in front of her. And besides, I am a computer addict .... sometimes I wonder if I am a bit depressed, and just hiding here. Certainly feel quite lethargic and unmotivated for much of the time. Or it could just be simple sleep deprivation - Isabelle wakes maybe 3-4 times per night and Tamsin once during the night and then around 5.30-6am and only sleeps very lightly after that so I'm not getting many consecutive hours of sleep at all.

The one where I sell some baby clothes :-(

Yesterday (was so tired last night I went to bed with Tamsin at 8pm and never got up again so didn't get to blog) felt like a bit of a significant moment - I packed up and labelled some of the newborn and 0-3 month baby clothes and took them to a sale. Well, I'm not going to use them again ...(some pangs of regret, and some feelings of relief and moving on). Although strangely, I have since been imagining myself having (another) baby boy... and wondering if *something* was trying to tell me there is another baby in my future. But if so, I still won't need all the girls' clothes! Or maybe it's just those feelings of missing the baby boy I did have, which always come more strongly at this time of year as he was born at the end of April and Spring is very much linked with him in my mind. One of the most incredibly powerful memories I shall always have is of driving home with him in the car the day we came out of the hospital after 4 weeks inside ... and my incredible joy and euphoria that he was coming home with us (a strength of feeling I can't ever imagine repeating in my lifetime), linked with amazement at the amount of *green* and *lush* growth that had happened during the month of May while I had been sequestered inside the hospital. It was like being born myself into a whole new world, in many ways. Anyway, I digress. Maybe the 'baby boy' feelings were just because some good friends of ours have just had their first baby, a boy, and I am feeling all warm and gooey about them - they will be fantastic parents and I am really pleased for them. And I helped in a little way by giving them some help with pre-conception health and nutrition to get them into tip-top condition before conceiving - something which I would love to do on a freelance basis at some point when I can get myself a bit better trained and organised.

Anyway, back to the sale. The bad news - I spent £53 on buying things for us, and received £4.55 for my stuff .... as always the money flows in the wrong direction! There didn't seem to be many buyers for the newborn stuff so I'll try again at the NCT sale in a couple of weeks.

The good news - I bought some summer clothes for Isabelle (she is the opposite season from Tamsin so we needed summer stuff) and some 4-5 year old clothes for Tamsin, and also some educational stuff.
A two-tape set of "Professor Playtime's Play and Learn Collection" with songs teaching about time, times tables, music, french, science and spelling.
Jump Ahead Starting School 2000 CD-Rom
Deluxe Reader Rabbit 1 CD-Rom
A British Isles map jigsaw
Some story books including an Usborne "Tales from Littletown" early reader
DK My First Activity Book
.... none of which cost more than £1 each.

Oh, and on the subject of bargains, or maybe it comes under the heading of "The Lord doth provide ...." Bill handed me a CD-Rom of Zoombinis Mountain Rescue which he had found lying around at the university!

And finally, just to remind myself that education does occasionally go on here, when we were getting breakfast yesterday morning, Tamsin found a dead fly on her chair, so we got out the magnifying glass and studied it, and got our our huge DK "Animal" book and looked up what sort of fly it was (a type of blow-fly) and found more details like the shiny metallic body and the hairs ... all very interesting!

I've lost a week!

I can't believe I haven't blogged for a week - and now I can't remember what on earth we've done. Oh yes, we did go to @Bristol on Monday, as arranged by Claire (thanks Claire). It was lovely to meet baby Josie along with her mummy and siblings, but she and Isabelle decided not to bother making eye contact. Maybe in years to come when we tell them how they were unexpectedly born only 2 days apart, they might take more interest in each other. We had a good time looking round, and I was impressed how much attention Tamsin paid and how much she seemed to take in. For example, I actually got through an explanation of the lifecycle of the frog while she listened attentively, and she was fascinated by the model termite's nest, especially when I told her that Daddy had seen lots of them for real when he lived in Uganda (and when I got home he told us how he had once brought home to the UK a queen termite - HM Customs must have missed that!). Tamsin hates loud noises, though, and is frightened by aeroplanes, vacuum cleaners, hand-dryers etc, so in the tropical rainforest bit when the steam came hissing in, she got very upset and we had to dash through with her hands pressed firmly over her ears. She said she didn't want to go and see the planetarium show as I said I couldn't be sure whether it was loud or not, so we skipped that and left at around 4.30pm before the traffic got too bad. I then ruined it by calling in at Toys R Us on the way home (we haven't got one near us, and I was curious) but managed to get out without buying anything, although I did pick up a few ideas for her birthday.

But as for the rest of the week, my mind is a complete blank, and as I really should be getting on with getting up-to-date with our finances, I must stop. I haven't done our money stuff properly since last September, so things are somewhat in disarray!

Saving babies

OK, this post may be controversial among some people, but it's my blog and it's what I believe, OK?

Now I believe in the 'Word made flesh' and 'the Way, the Truth and the Life', but many things that have the label 'Christian' attached to them put me right off, and that certainly goes for much parenting information. I was chatting with my pregnant friend who visited yesterday and, attempting to find out whether she was leaning towards a 'schedule' or an 'on demand' kind of approach, asked her which books she had read so far. Shock and horror when she said the only one she had read was "Babywise" .....!!! For those who don't know, this is originally a Christian-based parenting course/book which has been secularised, but is highly controversial as it is highly scheduled and has led to failure-to-thrive, dehydration and hungry babies, let alone simply the mental agony of those poor babies left to cry until the appropriate time period has elapsed till their next feeding. There is plenty of argument and evidence against it on this site. I had hoped this awful approach had stayed firmly in the USA, where it originated, but sadly it is creeping into the UK and I hate it. I may not have been able to give her a lot of useful advice or help in any other way, but I am just thankful that I have managed to warn her against this approach, and hopefully, if she reads the info I gave her, she will not go near it with the proverbial bargepole.

Retail and other therapies

Hmm, some link-following and browsing has just led me to bid on Ebay on "Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego" and a double Dorling Kindersley pack of "Become a World Explorer/Science Explorer", plus buying a "Green Eggs and Ham" CD-Rom from Amazon, and it's really only a matter of time before I succumb to Zoombinis and some Geomags. I blame you MuddlePuddlers - you're a bad influence!

The 'other therapy' mentioned is homeopathy - took Isabelle for a follow-up appointment yesterday and she's got another remedy for her wind/general unsettledness problems. After the past few days I am so fed up of her falling asleep (only on the boob) and then waking up after 15 minutes or so and screaming unless she's put back on the boob again ... and on and on. In fact, she's doing it right now. Until only a week ago or thereabouts she was mostly able to go to sleep without being on the breast but all of a sudden it's changed and she really does cry so much absolutely nothing else will settle her. I've also booked a homeopathy appointment for myself in a couple of weeks - I have some doubt as to whether it will do much for my tiredness and irritability but it's worth a try. Poor old Tamsin still gets the rough end of my tongue (mmm, what a strange phrase!) much more often than necessary.

Anyway, today should be fairly nice as Tamsin is out until about 2.30pm at playschool and then a friend's house, and this afternoon a very pregnant friend (38 weeks) is coming to visit - it's her first baby so I should be able to feel wise and helpful by giving her lots of advice (if she asks, which I think she might!). OTOH she might take one look at my screaming Isabelle and my unruly hitting and shouting 3-year old and decide she's not going to listen to a word I say - and who could blame her!

Monday

...started with tears (mine, Tamsin's and Isabelle's). After being woken several times in the night, and seeing 3am, 4am, 5am and 6am ticking by, I was in rather a fragile state. Bill generously stayed close by and in fact didn't leave for work until about 10.30am. My Mum was also still here, and between them they kept Tamsin out of the way while Isabelle and I stayed in bed until about 10am, catching up a little.

Later in the morning, Mum took us all out to Cirencester, where I had a successful time in a couple of charity shops. This was my haul:

Earth and Sky First Discovery book
First Scholastic Encyclopedia - All about People
100 great stories from British History
Usborne - 1001 animals to spot
My Naughty Little Sister Storybook

and for me, "A Search for Charismatic Reality - one man's pilgrimage"!!!!

I also discovered that Ottakar's bookshop has a coffee-shop in it, which was a lovely discovery as I thought my nearest place like that was Oxford, an hour's drive away, and now I find I can probably sneak out on a morning that Tamsin's at playschool and have an hour or two in Cirencester, only half-an-hour's drive, with books and a coffee - how perfect is that?

I ended the day feeling much better than I began it, thank goodness, and last night wasn't so bad with 'only' about 3 wakings from Isabelle and 2 from Tamsin ..... (sigh).

Good weekend

Saturday started well, with Tamsin and I coming downstairs for breakfast, when she found a small ruler. "What's that?" she said, and I explained about rulers and measuring things, upon which we started to do just that. We found things all round the room to measure, and discussed sizes and shapes. I can't remember what happened next - breakfast, I expect - but later in the morning I found an old Usborne "Sizes" workbook which we worked through - all 24 pages at Tamsin's insistence! So now she knows about long, short, wide, narrow, fat, thin - much of which she knew already but the width aspect was new to her. As I said to DH, that was probably about a month's worth of school maths lessons covered in an hour!

Other things on Saturday included cooking, visiting the library and the usual lots of Brio track and Nick Junior. Her funniest choice of book at the library was one about trains - but not a kid's book. She chose "West Country Branch Lines - a colour portfolio" - mind-numbingly boring to most people (descriptions of various engines, carriages and their precise numbers and timings of services) but that girl does love trains!!! Hmmm, perhaps I ought to Google a bit and help her learn more about them.

Preparations needed to be made for Isabelle's blessing and dedication on Sunday, so I made a couple of bits but needed to go shopping for more food. With various procrastinations and delays, in the end I asked Bill to put Tamsin to bed while I went to Tesco (hiss, boo) with Isabelle. "Hmmm," he said, "I was going to slip out while you were putting Tamsin to bed to get you a Mother's Day card. So you'll have to get your own!" And, strangely enough - I didn't mind. Perfect opportunity to get myself exactly what I wanted, I thought. So I bought myself a lavish bouquet of flowers and the tastiest box of chocolates I could find, along with a card, figuring this would set a minimum standard for future years! If there had been a DVD I wanted, I would have had one of those too!

Back home I came, at about 10pm, and started cooking. It's always the same with me - I never get organised in advance and end up with a mad panic at the end. I am a hopeless hostess!

Sunday

Bill and I are both terrible time-keepers. We are late just about everywhere we go. It's a terrible habit, and I'm strangely not quite sure why it always happens. Probably because we always underestimate how long the 'getting ready' will take. So we were late for our own daughter's blessing and dedication service! When we walked in, about 5 minutes late, a spontaneous round of applause and cheers erupted. Apparently before we got there, Philip, our pastor, said "I've never conducted a dedication without the baby here before!" Anyway, apart from that, all went exceedingly well with Isabelle being charmingly cute and relaxed when Philip had hold of her. He also gave Tamsin a little present, which was a whistle in the shape of a train, which she was delighted to find sounds just like a train when you blow it. Not too loud, thankfully!

We then had Isabelle's godparents, David and Lana, and my Mum and my Dad back to our house for lunch. Which sounds like a delightful family occasion, until you realise that my parents divorced 28 years ago and their feelings towards each other have only deteriorated as the years have passed. My Dad, bless him, does his best to turn a deaf ear to my Mum's frankly bitchy and cutting comments that she just can't help spouting, and TBH last night I was contemplating telling her that if she made any such comments today, she would never be able to come to any family event that I was arranging in future. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) she was late arriving, having been stuck behind a slow lorry, so missed the actual service and I didn't have time to decide whether to have that conversation with her or not. I probably wouldn't have had the courage, in the end, but one of these days ........ She said a couple of somewhat rude things, but my Dad and I just rolled our eyes at each other and ignored it. I am so fed up with the strained atmosphere any time she is around, however, and I must find the right way to tackle it one of these days.

Apart from that, it has been a very happy and celebratory day. When we had Tamsin's dedication, I was so very emotional about it because Benjamin had never made it as far as his, although he was included and mentioned on that day, and I was just over the moon that Tamsin was still alive and well! Today that feeling has been present again and it is another reminder that every day of our children's lives is a gift that we cannot take for granted. Give all your little ones a special hug from me in memory of Benjamin, will you?

Good weekend

Saturday started well, with Tamsin and I coming downstairs for breakfast, when she found a small ruler. "What's that?" she said, and I explained about rulers and measuring things, upon which we started to do just that. We found things all round the room to measure, and discussed sizes and shapes. I can't remember what happened next - breakfast, I expect - but later in the morning I found an old Usborne "Sizes" workbook which we worked through - all 24 pages at Tamsin's insistence! So now she knows about long, short, wide, narrow, fat, thin - much of which she knew already but the width aspect was new to her. As I said to DH, that was probably about a month's worth of school maths lessons covered in an hour!

Other things on Saturday included cooking, visiting the library and the usual lots of Brio track and Nick Junior. Her funniest choice of book at the library was one about trains - but not a kid's book. She chose "West Country Branch Lines - a colour portfolio" - mind-numbingly boring to most people (descriptions of various engines, carriages and their precise numbers and timings of services) but that girl does love trains!!! Hmmm, perhaps I ought to Google a bit and help her learn more about them.

Preparations needed to be made for Isabelle's blessing and dedication on Sunday, so I made a couple of bits but needed to go shopping for more food. With various procrastinations and delays, in the end I asked Bill to put Tamsin to bed while I went to Tesco (hiss, boo) with Isabelle. "Hmmm," he said, "I was going to slip out while you were putting Tamsin to bed to get you a Mother's Day card. So you'll have to get your own!" And, strangely enough - I didn't mind. Perfect opportunity to get myself exactly what I wanted, I thought. So I bought myself a lavish bouquet of flowers and the tastiest box of chocolates I could find, along with a card, figuring this would set a minimum standard for future years! If there had been a DVD I wanted, I would have had one of those too!

Back home I came, at about 10pm, and started cooking. It's always the same with me - I never get organised in advance and end up with a mad panic at the end. I am a hopeless hostess!

Sunday

Bill and I are both terrible time-keepers. We are late just about everywhere we go. It's a terrible habit, and I'm strangely not quite sure why it always happens. Probably because we always underestimate how long the 'getting ready' will take. So we were late for our own daughter's blessing and dedication service! When we walked in, about 5 minutes late, a spontaneous round of applause and cheers erupted. Apparently before we got there, Philip, our pastor, said "I've never conducted a dedication without the baby here before!" Anyway, apart from that, all went exceedingly well with Isabelle being charmingly cute and relaxed when Philip had hold of her. He also gave Tamsin a little present, which was a whistle in the shape of a train, which she was delighted to find sounds just like a train when you blow it. Not too loud, thankfully!

We then had Isabelle's godparents, David and Lana, and my Mum and my Dad back to our house for lunch. Which sounds like a delightful family occasion, until you realise that my parents divorced 28 years ago and their feelings towards each other have only deteriorated as the years have passed. My Dad, bless him, does his best to turn a deaf ear to my Mum's frankly bitchy and cutting comments that she just can't help spouting, and TBH last night I was contemplating telling her that if she made any such comments today, she would never be able to come to any family event that I was arranging in future. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) she was late arriving, having been stuck behind a slow lorry, so missed the actual service and I didn't have time to decide whether to have that conversation with her or not. I probably wouldn't have had the courage, in the end, but one of these days ........ She said a couple of somewhat rude things, but my Dad and I just rolled our eyes at each other and ignored it. I am so fed up with the strained atmosphere any time she is around, however, and I must find the right way to tackle it one of these days.

Apart from that, it has been a very happy and celebratory day. When we had Tamsin's dedication, I was so very emotional about it because Benjamin had never made it as far as his, although he was included and mentioned on that day, and I was just over the moon that Tamsin was still alive and well! Today that feeling has been present again and it is another reminder that every day of our children's lives is a gift that we cannot take for granted. Give all your little ones a special hug from me in memory of Benjamin, will you?

Not much to say ....

You know how 'we bloggers' go through our days thinking about which bits we are going to blog and what we might say about them? Well, it just hasn't been happening. My mind is a blank .... It looks like all tummy bugs are gone and we're all well again, thank goodness. Isabelle's dedication and blessing is on Sunday and I'm trying to decide what food to make for those who are coming back here for lunch. Tomorrow morning will be largely taken up with making it!

Today I received my first copy of my new subscription to Home Education Magazine from the USA so I'm about to take that to bed for a good read.

Poor baby....

My only symptom of the horrible tummy bug that Tamsin and Bill have had, has been some sharp twinges of pain in the intestines - but nothing else. Sadly I think today Isabelle has had the same thing as she has spent much of the time crying on and off in some discomfort, and then this evening it turned into screaming agony. I had to nip round to a neighbour's house and ask to borrow some Calpol as we don't have any. Tamsin won't touch the stuff because it makes her vomit, so the only bottle we had was past its expiry date and we threw it out. Anyway it seems to have done the trick and the little sweetie is flaked out at last.

Tamsin has spent a lot of time today on her Learning Land CD-Roms again, and clever Daddy got the DK Learning Ladder Pre-School and I Want to Read ones working too so she's had much computer time today. We also played another of the "Reading Games" from the Usborne book borrowed from the library, which introduced Tamsin to throwing a dice and moving counters around a board.

At church this morning, she seemed much more settled in the 'Sparklers' (3-5 yo) class so I told her I was going to the toilet and left the room for 10 minutes, and she was fine! Wow, I might get to stay in the service and hear a sermon one of these days!

What a difference!

We've had a totally different day than yesterday. The activities I prepared made all the difference.

We started with one Thomas video, very clearly stating that the TV was going off when it was finished, during which we had breakfast. This was followed by various craft activities - we made a picture of different types of snow, using rock salt, milk powder, cotton wool, and painted white pasta. We wrote Tamsin's name with spaghetti and little silver balls, and we liberally sprinkled glitter and paint around. After that, we took the dog out for a walk, which is something which doesn't happen too often these days. Poor dog gets sadly neglected. When we got back, we played a game from the "Reading Games" book we have out of the library, and then Tamsin has spent a vast amount of time on the computer with her Thomas computer game, and 3 or 4 of her Learning Land CD-Roms. While she's had her tea (plain rice by request) she's gone through several of the Learning Land magazines. LL is an old part-work that I bought the complete set of very cheaply at an NCT sale. We have talked about germs and catching illnesses and the importance of washing hands, and we have talked about rain and snow and temperature changes.

Much of this has been possible because Isabelle has slept an incredible amount today. I hope this doesn't bode ill for the night, but it's been quite useful during the day! And each time she's gone to sleep, she's quite happily accepted it being without the boob in her mouth. Looks like my tough stance yesterday did the trick, even though it was stressful with some crying (always in arms, though, and never left on her own).

Long may it all continue!

Later added: I forgot - we also moved on to Lesson 2 of Sound of the Week .... so only about a month or 6 weeks after Lesson 1. At this rate, we'll get through the phonemes when she's about, oh, 24? I definitely haven't got it in me to be a 'school at home'er - I can't stick to a plan to save my life!

Crap day all round

I couldn't have had a worse night's sleep last night if I'd tried - woken up countless times by both Tamsin and Isabelle variously having nightmares, needing feeding, having diarrhoea, being unable to sleep, being too hot, being too cold ... you get the picture. So I started the day incredibly tired and very grumpy.

Then today Isabelle seems to have suddenly decided she can't possibly go to sleep unless she has my boob in her mouth ... after I'd been so encouraged that at last I had a baby who would actually fall asleep on her own, suddenly she won't. Now, I've always been an attachment parenting type of parent, but TBH that led to Tamsin waking 2-hourly every night until she was well over 2 years old, and I just can't bear to do that again. So I'm determined to nip this particular habit in the bud, but to start trying to do it on a day when I am very tired, Bill is away and it's gloomy and sleeting outside is probably not the best time.

I was really wanting not to have the TV on much today, and to have some more interesting and creative play going on, but I was so desperately tired I wanted to seize the chance to try and nap a couple of times today so just left Tamsin in front of the TV/video.

And then the other issue today has been trying to prevent Tamsin eating anything that might continue to aggravate/prolong her tummy upset - so saying a hundred 'no's to requests for chocolate, cheese, biscuits etc. I've made tempting bowls full of lovely fruits and snacky veg stuff, which she has requested, and then eaten one mouthful and left the rest.

AND when I actually tried to do something useful with her, by getting out the DK Learning Ladder CD-Rom and I Want to Read CD-Rom, neither of them would work on my computer. I think the CD drive might be knackered. So I switched on Bill's computer, and left her with more Learning Land CD-Roms which she just got on with on her own for a while. But what an incredibly sedentary day - either TV/video or computer. It's just not good at all.

I know today has been particularly bad, but TBH it only feels like a worse version of our normal days, with too much TV and not a lot else that is productive/creative/imaginative or physical. Today I am wondering if I am cut out for the home-ed life. I keep thinking it will be better when she can read and write because then I can think of all sorts of interesting things she can get on with, but at the moment anything I can think of seems to involve me doing something while she watches, and I can't be bothered.

The only way I've been able to improve my outlook at all is to know that Bill has been having a far worse day - at his Mum's funeral. He has phoned tonight to say it was hard but OK, although his Dad took it very hard, as you would expect after 60-something years of marriage.

Added later: Fed up with the lack of positive activity, I have now prepared the following:
Some snow/ice activities from www.perpetualpreschool.com
Some Dr Seuss (T's fave at the moment) activities also from perpetual preschool
Some germs/health activities from perpetual preschool bearing in mind the illness that's been going round here
Printed off the Cuisenaire booklet from MuddlePuddle to get ideas for the rods
Found some Teaching Ideas to go with a couple of books we have from Barefoot Books

Change of plans

The weather forecast is so horrible that we don't want to risk either getting stuck in a major traffic/snow-jam or having an accident with two little kids in the car, so Bill is going up to North Yorkshire on his own and I am staying at home. I am sorry not to be able to go and share this difficult experience with him, and support him, but it feels safest and best this way. Also Tamsin has been sick again this morning - will this tummy bug never end? It's a week ago tonight that it all started.

I've been to a Home-Ed Group ....

.... and now I feel more like a real home-edder! I've discovered this small group that meets in someone's home once a month, and went along there this afternoon. Met a really nice group of people. There weren't any organised activities and I hardly saw any kids as they all just disappeared off with each other to do computer games, drawing/painting, run round the garden in the snow. The organiser has 4 kids, the youngest ages 4 and 2, so suitable for mine to get to know. Most of the kids seem to be age 9-13, though.

Tamsin was still complaining of tummy-ache this morning, so she didn't go to playschool. Bill also still off work, although almost recovered. Tamsin has spent much of the day (when at home) playing with her Learning Land CDs, so a fair bit of education today for a change!

And if you don't hear from me for a few days, it's because tomorrow sometime we're setting off up to the north-east for MIL's funeral. Back on Saturday.

I'm still well, Bill is mostly recovered, Tamsin is fine and Isabelle is having a bad tummy/windy day.

I'm just busy adding other blog links to this blog, so if anyone else disappears off the ring, I can still find them!

I'm going to a local HE meeting at someone's house tomorrow. Only found out about it a couple of weeks ago, as although it is only a 10 minute drive away from here, it's in the next county, so obviously they aren't on the GlosHomeEdders list that I'm on.

More illness

Bill's got the D&V now .... and Tamsin is having a very slight relapse too. Damn, I thought it was all over. Please, please God don't let me get it. I don't wanna be sick, waaaahh! Especially with having to keep feeding a baby no matter how I feel.

Not much going on here today - it's a CBeebies and Shrek kind of a day. We've done a bit of face painting and I'm about to bring out the Cuisenaire rods to see if that captures her attention.

If I was looking for a job, this one would be approaching ideal for me. But it's in Sheffield. And I don't want a full-time job anyway, but it's what I'd love to do. I did my uni dissertation on folate (folic acid) so it's right up my street .

Anyway, back to my real, as opposed to my fantasy, life. Today I went to a Creative Stitch and Craft Show at Cheltenham Racecourse, where I thought of all you knitters and crocheters out there. I am neither of those, but I do like the papercraft side of things, of which there wasn't very much at the Show, sadly. All I bought was a little compartmented box, for sorting Hama beads into their different colours.

Oh yes, I've just remembered what else I needed to blog. To get a bit poetic about it, there are many joys in life, like holding hands with the one you love, skiing down an Alpine mountain on a sunny day, or discovering you've won the Lottery (I haven't experienced that one!), but surely, surely there is little that's more joyful and amazing than hearing your baby's first real laughter. And that's what we've heard today, and it was truly gorgeous. Brings tears to my eyes just to think about it.

Sickroom manners

A child who has been up 4 times in the night puking ought to have the decency to be tired and quiet and preferably sleep during the day, don't you think, to enable her mother to get a bit of rest? No such luck. She was sick a couple more times this morning but inbetween wanted an unreasonable amount of attention and activity. I insisted we all went to lie on the bed from 2-3pm but she just stayed awake and played the whole time.

She's been fine this afternoon, and I think it's all over as far as she's concerned. Not too keen on the feelings in my stomach, however. Being a vomit phobic, though, it might just be the result of a day of anxiety, not to mention starting to get my head round MIL's death.

Bad news and worse news

Tamsin has been vomiting through the night .... putting paid to our plans for a lovely day out with my only remaining schoolfriend and her 3 kids ....

And then there was the phone call we'd been half-expecting and dreading - Bill's Mum died around 5.30am this morning. We will miss her.

What do you make of this conversation?

Tamsin: I'm a bit like a boy.
Me: Oh? In what way are you a bit like a boy?
Tamsin: Well, because of the track.
Me: You mean, you think you're like a boy because you like to play with the train track?
Tamsin: Yes. Daisy and Holly don't have track, and Lydia couldn't find Matthew's train set.

So, I wonder where that idea has come from. Has she just put it together herself, or has someone said something? Not me, certainly! I'm delighted by my little train addict!

Quite a good day

Yesterday felt productive and positive (insert smiley emoticon, which I don't know how to do in Blogger!). Tamsin variously enjoyed play-dough, Stickle-bricks, Brio, and varied imaginative play (including one lovely scene of pretending to make a complete dinner with bowls, food, knives and forks and a drink - which were actually various boxes, candlesticks, magnetic letters and coins - and serving all of us including several toys).

She also requested a couple of workbooks, so we did a few pages of "Telling the Time" and "Letterland Building Words/Letter Blending". The latter was a test of my lack of patience -v- what I knew I needed to do. She perfectly recognises all the letters and knows all their sounds, and yet when I encourage her to tell me the letter sounds "p - i - g", which she does perfectly, and then ask "so that says ....?", she will respond "spade!" because there is a picture of a pig digging! Several other examples of the same thing occurred. When doing rhyming words I show her and teach "r....e....d says 'r...ed' ... which is ...?" "Red" she shouts, (I am thrilled!) and yet, then I point to "b" which she can identify and say, "so b...ed says ...?" and she shouts "blue!". Hmmm, methinks she's just not ready for this yet! I was rather impressed with myself that I managed to keep (externally) calm and patient and encouraging, rather than shouting "no .. don't be stupid!" as I was tempted to do! I kept it light and funny and kept checking with her whether she wanted to carry on or stop. She chose to carry on for about 20 minutes. I don't now how much of what she got right was just guesswork and fluke! Ah well, all in good time. From what others say, one day it will all just come together.

In the afternoon, we went swimming, which was Isabelle's first time! I was a bit nervous coping with holding Isabelle and therefore not being able to do much with Tamsin, and it was definitely more limiting and less fun than just with Tamsin on her own, but Isabelle took it all in her stride, with just a little bewilderment. Tamsin can't actually swim yet, and I don't use arm-bands or any other inflatable aids because I remember trying to learn to swim myself, and being terrified of losing the help of those things, and I think I was the last person in my class at school to learn to swim, at about age 8 or 9. It feels better to me for them to just gain confidence in being in the water without inflatable aids, and then they never have to learn to give them up. Although I can see that at this stage, with two of them to cope with, it would be much easier if Tamsin could swim about on her own instead of just bouncing along on her toes.

The day took a sad turn in the evening, when Bill had a call from his sister to say that their Mum probably hasn't got long to live. She is in her 80s and has been ill for a while, but there was some hope that she would improve. It's not looking that way now.

Why oh why ....

do I waver so easily whenever presented with somebody else's point of view? Had a lovely visit to a friend of mine this morning, who has 2 children age 5 and 8 (plus one on the way) who are both at school and are happy, friendly, delightful children. She of course asked the usual question, "Is Tamsin going to school in September?" so we got onto the home-education discussion. We had a respectful and friendly discussion, but her comments and her point of view did make me feel uncertain, again, about why I'm heading down the HE route. It all sounds so straightforward to do it the 'normal' way, and her kids certainly aren't suffering from it. I couldn't think of any points to make that were irrefutable about HE being better. Maybe I just need to memorise a few more facts and figures so I can quote them at people, but I do hate the way it's so easy for someone to make me waver on any subject on which I thought I had made up my mind!

I could say more about this but it's getting late and I need my sleep!

Happy girl!

My sweet baby

My gorgeous girls

Pootling along

Nothing of any great importance happening here. Tamsin's had 3 mornings at playschool this week, while I've finally made a start on trying to get our finances back in order, which have been completely ignored since before Isabelle was born. I've also made slight progress on my To Do List, which has been hanging in the kitchen making me feel guilty but still unmotivated for about 3 weeks. I defrosted both freezers, and it felt great to cross that one off the list. One job down, 20 more to go....

I was unexpectedly on the radio yesterday! A friend who has what seems to be Gloucestershire's only cloth nappy business phoned to say there was a phone-in on Radio Gloucestershire about real nappies, and please would I phone in because so far there were only old ladies calling about how they used to have to boil terry squares in copper pans for hours on end! I did phone the number she gave me, without much of a clue as to what I wanted to say, and felt I was a bit vague and disjointed with what I said to the assistant to whom I spoke, so really didn't expect a call back to go on the show. However, after managing to track down the station on the internet and listening in (couldn't get the station on our normal radios), I was somewhat surprised to hear the DJ announce that "in a few minutes we'll be speaking to Joanna, who's really enthusiastic about using real nappies...". Sure enough, about 5 minutes later I got a call, and spoke for about 5 minutes on air about nappies! I rambled on about the ease of use, money-saving, chemical- and waste-free benefits, and about the lack of poo smells in my kitchen despite a nappy bin etc! I dunno if he was convinced, but I did my best!

Please excuse me now while I have a bit of a rant. I'm feeling frustrated that I can't find a cheap enough skiing holiday to go on. Skiing is something I just knew I would completely adore before I ever did it, and sure enough when I first went for a week in France in about 1988 I loved it. I also did one day on some slopes near Pittsburgh when visiting my brother in the USA in about 1992/3, but that's it! Since then, lack of money has simply prohibited any opportunity to go at all, not helped by the fact that Bill didn't really take to it, so wasn't keen. But having had my 40th birthday in August, I felt it was the best way I could think of to treat myself, and decided to see if we could go in March or thereabouts. But, bearing in mind this has all got to come from non-existent money (aka credit), I had forgotten in my mental calculations that we will be paying for 3 full-price tickets plus an infant, as there seem to be precious little discounts for children on skiing holidays. So I just can't find anything for less than about £1100-1200 and we just can't do that .... So unless I find an astonishingly good last-minute deal somewhere, I think it probably isn't going to happen, again, and I will have to yearn my way sadly through yet another skiing season.

Oh, but I have booked for HESFES! My first time, and it'll be just me and the girls, leaving DH to a blissful week at home with uninterrupted nights and Brio-free days.

Parenting a growing child involves a constant series of little gains, but also little losses. It's great to watch your child gain new skills, learn new words and change into their own person, but sometimes they leave behind little things that warmed a parent's heart.

Yesterday, I noticed that Tamsin was very clearly saying "as well" in appropriate places in the conversation, which is quite normal, except it saddened me that we will probably no longer hear the charming "wazell" which has been her previous habit until now.

On the other hand, we do still enjoy her idiosyncratic version of "Jingle Bells", which contains previously unknown (and untype-able) words, and today she exclaimed to Thomas the Tank Engine, "you Love Machine...", courtesy of watching too much Shrek 2, which had me in absolute hysterics for 10 minutes or so, contemplating the possibility of her suddenly saying that to Grandpa or in church ....!!

Tired .....

I'm so tired by the evenings that it's hard to get to the blogging. Tamsin's had a good week - she's really enjoyed going to playschool and I feel she and I have been getting on better. I've worked at finding opportunities to be positive and playful with her, and there's been a lot less shouting (from me) and annoying behaviour (from her). I feel like I'm really beginning to enjoy her again, a feeling which I largely lost when I got pregnant this time last year.

Isabelle is still bang on the 50th percentile line - 12lb 12oz today (3 months old). She is waking approx. 4-hourly at night, which could be worse and could be better. Can't complain too much, on the whole. When she hasn't got a tummy full of wind, she's a laid-back, happy, chilled-out babe. We have seen the homeopath about the wind problem but I'm not sure there's been much change so far - must phone tomorrow and get new instructions maybe for changing the remedy.

I attended my first Gloucestershire Home Educators meeting this week - only 3 others were there at a meeting at a soft-play centre nearby, but it was good to meet them, and started to hear about other (usually unadvertised) meetings that go on, too, so may get to those in due course. On Monday it was the deadline for registering for a school place in September, so I feel semi-official now I have told them that I do not require a state school place for Tamsin.